Wedding Woes

FMIL wants to destroy destination wedding because of her finances..

My FI and I recently got engaged in FL, a few weeks ago and decided on a destination wedding in FL (we live in Chicago). Which isn't as expensive to travel to as it would be to travel out of the US. So we didn't think it would be a huge deal to family and friends who really care about us and it's our wedding.

Well, that is not the case.. My FI and I went to his mother's house yesterday and after the hellos and looking at the ring, she descides to say that she doesn't want us having the wedding in FL because she can't afford it and she's strapped for cash. She made it a pity party saying oh this house is a wreck, the electrical sucks and it needs a lot of work, I can barely afford to pay the mortage, pay for groceries, yatta yatta ya.. I don't know how we're going to afford anything for the wedding.. boo hoo.. Now mind you she is a dominant woman and everything that comes out of her mouth is all negative. Oh and on a sidenote she made fun of my wedding colors which are pink and orange (My FI and everyone else love the colors)..

FIrst off, My FI and I are paying for the whole wedding, so she has nothing to pay for except travel. Secondly, she has 13 months notice to save for the wedding, that is ample time to save at least 600 for two plane tickets (for her and her boyfriend) and a hotel room for 1 or 2 nights. She smokes and drinks all the time, as well as her boyfriend, so maybe its time to cut back or quit smoking and cut back on the liqour. Oh and later in the night she commented on going to the movies and spending money on other luxuries.. I have an idea!! cut back on the luxuries and save that money for your oldest son's wedding.. and her BF said he was going to golf at least 6 times this summer... ummm yea $30 dollars each time he golfs is $180 that is about 1 plane ticket right there.. Don't tell me you can't afford to travel, you are just choosing other things over your son's wedding!!

Throughout the night she asked questions like how much the hotel will be a night and my FI responded about $120-$130 a night.. Now let me tell you a little about the hotel we're getting married at.. It is on the beach in miami and it is a nicer a hotel, our wedding will be during spring break time (march) (which we thought would be easier for our families with kids).. NOW, for that price, that is decent/cheap price for the time and location of the hotel.. other hotels on the beach are 280 a night which we didn't want for our familes to pay for... So as we told her the price she roles her eyes and huffs and puffs.. REALLY?!?! Act like a grown woman and don't throw a tantrum like a child..

After all this me and my FI talked about it on the way home and I am happy to say he agrees with me on "the terms" that we are going to say to her about this whole ordeal.. I know this is a good catch because he supports me and agrees that his mom is being unreasonable..

This woman is ridiculous and even though i vented nicely to my FI, I need to vent to someone else.. thank you to whoever reads and responds to this!! Laughing

Anyone have any advice or been in a similiar situation???
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Re: FMIL wants to destroy destination wedding because of her finances..

  • edited December 2011
    You can't tell anyone how to live their life (stop smoking) and you can't tell them  how to spend their money (on your wedding) and you never really know anyone's financial situation (unless you are both her contractor and her CPA).

    I have a feeling this next year is going to be a rip roaring good time for everyone around you. Oh..."terms," grown people love those.
    image
  • edited December 2011
    I'm not saying I'm going to tell her how to spend her money or tell her how to live her life, I'm just saying that she CAN save money but cutting back on things.. "the term"s  are about setting healthy boundaries.. This is a board about venting, if you didn't want to read that, you didn't have to.. And you don't need to be rude and sarcastic..
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  • vwhitney2107vwhitney2107 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I am very sorry if my response offends you but to be quite honest with you, no one should have to change their lifestyle to be able to afford to attend a wedding. And it certainly isn't your decision to make on whether they quit smoking or drinking or playing golf. If it is so important to you that they be there since there is so much time to save up, then why not have you and your FI pay for their travel.
    When you pick a destination wedding then you have to go into it knowing that it's possible not everyone will be able to attend.

    I can understand how you could be frustrated with the situation although it is no one's business but their own on how they spend their money. I'm sure they have their reasons for wanting you to change the location of the wedding and they expressed those reasons to you. IMO if it is important to you that they be there, you could either move the wedding closer to home or pay for their travel.
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  • edited December 2011
    Like I said, I'm not telling them to change their lifestyle.. but if they really really wanted to be there then they could save for it.. And I cannot afford to pay for their travel, my FI and I are already paying for the entire wedding with no help and that's hard enough.. and I'm not partial on them being there.. I came here to vent, I never implied i told them to change who they are or how they live their life.. If they can't afford to go they can't go, that simple.. I'm not going to be mad if they can't come or choose not to come, that's on them not me..
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  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    When you choose to have a destination wedding, you choose to deal with the fact that some important people won't be willing or able to attend. If you're not asking them to change, and you're not going to be mad if they don't come, what exactly are you here "just venting" about?
  • edited December 2011
    You have every right to have the wedding you're paying for where ever you want it but you go way over the line by telling them how to spend their money and live their lives. She'll either put her big girl panties on and figure out a way to get the money or you two will just have to accept that she may not be there.

    Stop attacking her personal life - this is still your fiance's mother and regardless of what trash you may think she is she's still his parent, and both of them will resent you if you start spouting how she's living her life wrong.
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  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fmil-wants-destroy-destination-wedding-because-of-her-finances?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:3a3fb5cf-ee27-4311-a979-4edc7330e449Post:ba325413-95b1-4d8e-9b5f-7b5fdf4a3a83">Re: FMIL wants to destroy destination wedding because of her finances..</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not saying I'm going to tell her how to spend her money or tell her how to live her life, I'm just saying that she CAN save money but cutting back on things.. "the term"s  are about setting healthy boundaries.. <strong>This is a board about venting, if you didn't want to read that, you didn't have to..</strong> And you don't need to be rude and sarcastic..
    Posted by [email protected][/QUOTE]

    TD, Min and BC are right - you can have whatever you want if you're paying, but you can't expect others to change their lifestyle or spend their money the way you want them to.

    Also, if you lurked before posting, you would know that this is not "a board about venting". You asked for advice - don't bitch because the advice given isn't what you wanted to hear.
  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fmil-wants-destroy-destination-wedding-because-of-her-finances?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3a3fb5cf-ee27-4311-a979-4edc7330e449Post:3f26433e-716f-43c4-8819-0d07c94f5805">FMIL wants to destroy destination wedding because of her finances..</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FI and I recently got engaged in FL, a few weeks ago and decided on a destination wedding in FL (we live in Chicago). Which isn't as expensive to travel to as it would be to travel out of the US. So we didn't think it would be a huge deal to family and friends who really care about us and it's our wedding. Well, that is not the case.. My FI and I went to his mother's house yesterday and after the hellos and looking at the ring, she descides to say that she doesn't want us having the wedding in FL because she can't afford it and she's strapped for cash. She made it a pity party saying oh this house is a wreck, the electrical sucks and it needs a lot of work, I can barely afford to pay the mortage, pay for groceries, yatta yatta ya.. I don't know how we're going to afford anything for the wedding.. boo hoo.. Now mind you she is a dominant woman and everything that comes out of her mouth is all negative. Oh and on a sidenote she made fun of my wedding colors which are pink and orange (My FI and everyone else love the colors).. FIrst off, My FI and I are paying for the whole wedding, so she has nothing to pay for except travel. Secondly, she has 13 months notice to save for the wedding, that is ample time to save at least 600 for two plane tickets (for her and her boyfriend) and a hotel room for 1 or 2 nights. She smokes and drinks all the time, as well as her boyfriend, so maybe its time to cut back or quit smoking and cut back on the liqour. Oh and later in the night she commented on going to the movies and spending money on other luxuries.. I have an idea!! cut back on the luxuries and save that money for your oldest son's wedding.. and her BF said he was going to golf at least 6 times this summer... ummm yea $30 dollars each time he golfs is $180 that is about 1 plane ticket right there.. Don't tell me you can't afford to travel, you are just choosing other things over your son's wedding!! Throughout the night she asked questions like how much the hotel will be a night and my FI responded about $120-$130 a night.. Now let me tell you a little about the hotel we're getting married at.. It is on the beach in miami and it is a nicer a hotel, our wedding will be during spring break time (march) (which we thought would be easier for our families with kids).. NOW, for that price, that is decent/cheap price for the time and location of the hotel.. other hotels on the beach are 280 a night which we didn't want for our familes to pay for... So as we told her the price she roles her eyes and huffs and puffs.. REALLY?!?! Act like a grown woman and don't throw a tantrum like a child.. After all this me and my FI talked about it on the way home and I am happy to say he agrees with me on "the terms" that we are going to say to her about this whole ordeal.. I know this is a good catch because he supports me and agrees that his mom is being unreasonable.. This woman is ridiculous and even though i vented nicely to my FI, I need to vent to someone else.. thank you to whoever reads and responds to this!! Anyone have any advice or been in a similiar situation???
    Posted by [email protected][/QUOTE]

    <div><eyeroll> Everyone else is right. You don't get to tell people how to spend their money.</div><div>
    </div><div>And "dominant" doesn't equal "negative". There's nothing wrong with being a strong woman with strong opinions. If your MIL is a bitch, call her a bitch, but don't denigrate powerful, in-charge women everywhere because you don't like this one. </div>
    image
  • phunluvin82phunluvin82 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think that since you are paying, you should have your wedding where ever you want to have it.  The hotel price is definitely not unreasonable...but typically people are also free to try to find their own, cheaper hotels if money is a big issue for them.  You could mention that to her.  Other than that, I would say "We're really set on having our wedding there, and I really hope it is enough notice for you to be able to work out a way to come" and leave it at that.
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Here's the bottom line- You are making the choice to spend your money on a destination wedding that you know she can't/won't attend.  She is making a choice to spend money on cigarettes and booze instead of her son's wedding.

    You both have that right.
  • edited December 2011
    Didn't see anyone post this, but OP, you might want to change your SN so it isn't your email address.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    wow alot of harsh things said. true but harsh. personally i figure you can think what you want just don't say it out loud to your future MIL. lol i figure for your MIL maybe it would be a good idea to save a bit. i figure even on a tight budget it doesn't mean you cant save a couple hundred over 13 months. she could always find a cheaper hotel or even bus it  plenty of ways for her to cut cost. i know how frustrating it is to have to pay for a wedding all by yourself however you also need to realize that whether fortunatly or unfortunatly your FI and your FMIL are a package deal. you need to weigh things out. for example will he be really hurt if she can't make it? or will you make a new enemy for life if you go ahead and get married without her being there? don't pull too much hair out and make sure its worth it if you decide to go for the tough love approach.
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