XP BM's bow out because of dress

mdupon70997

This will be a little long to give some background. When I started looking for bridesmaid dresses I asked my bridesmaids for a budget. They told me that they would pay for whatever I picked but nothing outrageous like over 300. I told them all to search for dress options so that we could get something they liked and at a reasonable price. The only one who did look was Lucy. The dress she found was at a reasonable price, but the color I wanted wasn't available. I picked a 130 dress at a local salon, but Lucy is tall and not the smallest BM so the knee length hemline and short slit in the back came up way to high on Lucy, so that was out. There are four months to my wedding date and we still didn't have a dress. I went to another salon with three other BM's and I picked a dress that I thought would look great on everybody even Lucy. The dress was 158 with a 92 downpayment to order the dress. To be sure that we would have the dresses by midMarch 2013, the dresses had to be ordered by yesterday December 28, 2012 and no later. I didn't want to ask people to spend that much money so soon after Christmas, but I did the best I could with what little time I had left. I knew there would be a possibility that someone wouldn't be able to afford it. Unfortunately for Lucy, because of her size and additional alterations, her dress was going to cost about 80 more than the other BM's. Later in the evening Lucy called she was crying and very upset and told me that she could not afford the dress and had to back out. I told her that I understood. FI and I decided that we could pay the additional cost of Lucy's dress. But when I called her that night she never answered. FI and I have called her about 10 times since then and she never answered. On Christmas day she sent FI a text message that said, "Thank you for giving me some time. I'm ready to listen if you're ready to talk." We didn't know what that meant, but we told her to call us ASAP. She's still never called.
Also another BM, Hayley, told me that she couldn't afford the downpayment and wanted to know if I could put the downpayment up for her to order it. I told her that I didn't think I could afford it didn't tell her about wanting to pay for Lucy's additional cost. Hayley asked, "Well do I have to wear the same dress as everyone else?" I told her that she had to wear the same dress as the other bridesmaids, and that I understood if she didn't thnk she could afford it and had to back out. Hayley told me that she was angry and couldn't talk to me anymore that night. I don't understand why Hayley is mad. I've called Hayley three times since and she still hasn't called me back.
I feel like I did the best I could with what little time I had left. I asked my BM's what their budget was. And for more than four months I asked them to find affordable dresses that they liked. I feel like they at least owe it to me to actually talk to me after I've been trying to get in touch with them. I'm not angry that they won't be able to be BM's. And we were going to pay for Lucy's additional costs, but now I've decided otherwise.

amanda0543

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_xp-bms-bow-out-because-of-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3f0326e8-9dd1-4f67-bceb-bc099c2410a3Post:8db5153f-7aa7-4da4-bdc7-5d646da0da56">XP BM's bow out because of dress</a>:
[QUOTE]This will be a little long to give some background. When I started looking for bridesmaid dresses I asked my bridesmaids for a budget. They told me that they would pay for whatever I picked but nothing outrageous like over 300. I told them all to search for dress options so that we could get something they liked and at a reasonable price. The only one who did look was Lucy. The dress she found was at a reasonable price, but the color I wanted wasn't available. I picked a 130 dress at a local salon, but Lucy is tall and not the smallest BM so the knee length hemline and short slit in the back came up way to high on Lucy, so that was out. There are four months to my wedding date and we still didn't have a dress. I went to another salon with three other BM's and I picked a dress that I thought would look great on everybody even Lucy. The dress was 158 with a 92 downpayment to order the dress. To be sure that we would have the dresses by midMarch 2013, the dresses had to be ordered by yesterday December 28, 2012 and no later. I didn't want to ask people to spend that much money so soon after Christmas, but I did the best I could with what little time I had left. I knew there would be a possibility that someone wouldn't be able to afford it. Unfortunately for Lucy, because of her size and additional alterations, her dress was going to cost about 80 more than the other BM's. Later in the evening Lucy called she was crying and very upset and told me that she could not afford the dress and had to back out. I told her that I understood. FI and I decided that we could pay the additional cost of Lucy's dress. But when I called her that night she never answered. FI and I have called her about 10 times since then and she never answered. On Christmas day she sent FI a text message that said, "Thank you for giving me some time. I'm ready to listen if you're ready to talk." We didn't know what that meant, but we told her to call us ASAP. She's still never called. Also another BM, Hayley, told me that she couldn't afford the downpayment and wanted to know if I could put the downpayment up for her to order it. I told her that I didn't think I could afford it didn't tell her about wanting to pay for Lucy's additional cost. Hayley asked, "Well do I have to wear the same dress as everyone else?" I told her that she had to wear the same dress as the other bridesmaids, and that I understood if she didn't thnk she could afford it and had to back out. Hayley told me that she was angry and couldn't talk to me anymore that night. I don't understand why Hayley is mad. I've called Hayley three times since and she still hasn't called me back. I feel like I did the best I could with what little time I had left. I asked my BM's what their budget was. And for more than four months I asked them to find affordable dresses that they liked. I feel like they at least owe it to me to actually talk to me after I've been trying to get in touch with them. I'm not angry that they won't be able to be BM's. And we were going to pay for Lucy's additional costs, but now I've decided otherwise.
Posted by mdupon70997[/QUOTE]

<div>I saw your previous post, and I totally understand the frustration. Especially when you take into account that they gave you their budget in advance, you stuck with it, and they knew they needed to either have that money or start saving. And yeah, the not talking to you sounds silly. If I had to guess, I'd say they probably overestimated their own budgets, and are avoiding you out of shame (at least in Lucy's case anyway). However, I don't think a dress is worth losing your BMs over. If you don't have bridesmaids you don't have the dress at all, and in all honesty if you have to weigh aesthetics against your friends shouldn't your friends come out on top? I know I care more about having my BMs with me on my wedding day then how they look. </div><div>
</div><div>I can see why Hayley might be mad at you, especially if you were the one to suggest she bow out. If I were on her end of that conversation I would probably interpret that as, "This dress is more important to me and my wedding than you are." I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, but you might want to make sure she understands that you care more about her than the dress.

This sounds crappy, but with the time crunch and budget changes it sounds like you might have to find ANOTHER dress, and maybe even one that isn't custom fitted.
I know it's not ideal, and not what you pictured, but considering your wedding is in March it sounds like your options are to either change your plans again or lose your bridesmaids. :$
If I were in your situation, and really set on that dress, I would reconsider fronting Lucy and Hayley the money to pay for their dresses with the understanding that they need to pay you back. I can understand why you would be hesistant, as having someone owe you money can create tension, and you would need to be comfortable with the possibility they might not pay you back.</div><div>
</div><div>I definitely wouldn't ask my BMs to bow out over this, as there's no dress that's worth straining my relationship with them over. Again, I understand the frustration, as it sounds like they've been dragging their feet and now you've run out of time. I would explain to them how you're feeling (assuming you haven't had this conversation already), and explain that you all need to crack down on the dress thing now.</div>

StephBeanWed61502

They're mad because when push came to shove, you chose your wedding "vision" over your friends' comfort with and ability to pay for a dress. Yes, it's annoying that they said under 300, you came in under that mark, and they still can't afford it right now, but instead of basically saying "oh that's so sad that you can't be a bridesmaid now," you could have come up with an alternative plan, like asking them all to wear (non-matching) dresses in the same color, going to a department store to find matching dresses that could be purchased off the rack, or at least choosing another dress that didn't have to be ordered 3 days after the most expensive holiday of the year. Instead of thinking of ANY of these options, you went with "darn, I'll totally miss having you as a bridesmaid." I get that this is technically an appropriate option, but I'm a little disturbed that you can't even begin to fathom why it would hurt your friends' feelings. You basically kicked them out of your wedding party over a dress, and you can't see why that might sting?

mdupon70997

Steph: Whoops! I meant to reply to your post, but I accidentally hit report! The things is I have three out if state bridesmaids. And they all live in separate states. So it's basically impossible to get them together to go shopping. It's also basically impossible to get Hayley to get moving on the whole dress situation. For the past few months I've been bugging her to look at dresses on her own she lives in Michigan, but she never does. I understand that she's upset. But what I don't understand is why a bridesmaid would think that it's ok for everyone else to wear the same dress except for her. If I let one bridesmaid wear a different cheaper dress, then I have to let them all wear a different dress. The dresses are already ordered for six other bridesmaids.

amanda0543

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_xp-bms-bow-out-because-of-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3f0326e8-9dd1-4f67-bceb-bc099c2410a3Post:81799cda-126e-4339-bc63-4ab320455926">Re:XP BM's bow out because of dress</a>:
[QUOTE]Steph: Whoops! I meant to reply to your post, but I accidentally hit report! The things is I have three out if state bridesmaids. And they all live in separate states. So it's basically impossible to get them together to go shopping. It's also basically impossible to get Hayley to get moving on the whole dress situation. For the past few months I've been bugging her to look at dresses on her own she lives in Michigan, but she never does. I understand that she's upset. But what I don't understand is why a bridesmaid would think that it's ok for everyone else to wear the same dress except for her. If I let one bridesmaid wear a different cheaper dress, then I have to let them all wear a different dress. The dresses are already ordered for six other bridesmaids.
Posted by mdupon70997[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah, the fact that most of your bridesmaids have already ordered the dress definitely changes things. That has the possibility to look really bad when they found out that you were making special exceptions for certain people.

Again, I don't think you're out of line to be frustrated with Hayley and Lucy, just make sure they know how and why you feel the way you do (that it's not that the dress is more important, but rather it's too late to go back and you can't make an exception without upsetting EVERYONE).</div>

pegasuskat

Tell those 2 to look for the same dress on ebay, or one the other sites that sells used dresses.  Or better yet look for their size for them and let them know, then they will see that you did try and make it work. It will be the same dress and nobody would know the difference, I would not discuss it with the girls that already ordered.

StephBeanWed61502

MD, you really don't need them all to go shopping together.  I had four girls (of 5) living out of state, I managed to get three of them together to go shopping, and the other two purchased the dress the three who came shopping with me helped me select (after I sent them multiple pictures of the other girls in the dress to make sure they didn't hate it).  I purposely used David's Bridal, instead of a "better" boutique, because I knew they all lived near a David's and David's also has online ordering, so we didn't have to play the "send me your sizes and I'll order your dresses at my one fancy wedding salon" game.  Plus, I told them that if they got to David's, tried it on and hated it, they were free to order anything else from David's that was the same color/fabric/length.  No one took me up on the offer, but the point is, I put it out there for them, because I wanted my friends to be standing by my side, comfortably, on my wedding day, and didn't want to lose them over the cut of a freakin' dress.

And I understand that this particular ship has sailed for you now, but I'm still stunned that you don't understand why your friends are upset at this turn of events.  You created a situation where you basically made it impossible for them to be your bridesmaids, and then was all "oh well, guess you can't be in the wedding then."  As I said, that's your right, but you're pretty flippant about it for someone who basically just told her supposedly closest friends to bug off because they couldn't buy the right piece of fabric for your wedding.

mdupon70997

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_xp-bms-bow-out-because-of-dress?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3f0326e8-9dd1-4f67-bceb-bc099c2410a3Post:e17eae48-0834-44e3-bc1e-9772e8cbf1af">Re: XP BM's bow out because of dress</a>:
[QUOTE]MD, you really don't need them all to go shopping together.  I had four girls (of 5) living out of state, I managed to get three of them together to go shopping, and the other two purchased the dress the three who came shopping with me helped me select (after I sent them multiple pictures of the other girls in the dress to make sure they didn't hate it). <strong> I purposely used David's Bridal, instead of a "better" boutique</strong>, because I knew they all lived near a David's and David's also has online ordering, so we didn't have to play the "send me your sizes and I'll order your dresses at my one fancy wedding salon" game.  Plus, I told them that if they got to David's, tried it on and hated it, they were free to order anything else from David's that was the same color/fabric/length.  No one took me up on the offer, but the point is, I put it out there for them, because I wanted my friends to be standing by my side, comfortably, on my wedding day, and didn't want to lose them over the cut of a freakin' dress. And I understand that this particular ship has sailed for you now, but I'm still stunned that you don't understand why your friends are upset at this turn of events.  <strong>You created a situation where you basically made it impossible for them to be your bridesmaids</strong>, and then was all "oh well, guess you can't be in the wedding then."  As I said, that's your right, but <strong>you're pretty flippant about it for someone who basically just told her supposedly closest friends to bug off because they couldn't buy the right piece of fabric for your wedding.</strong>
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>The $130 dress that I originally chose (that didn't work on Hayley) was from Davids Bridal. So I had to chose another dress. I also decided not to continue looking at DB because they just completely discontinued the color that I wanted. I have already bought things for my wedding within that color scheme. So I really can't change the color now. And I don't think that asking for a particular color or fabric is too much to ask. Over and over again the ladies on these boards tell people that a BM's responsibility is to purchase the dress and show up. So how does this not apply to my wedding in particular. Almost every girl pictures her wedding day looking a specific way.  And we plan and plan and plan to make sure that everything goes as right as possible. I'm not being flippant. I'm being the bride. I gave my bridesmaids the opportunity (months) to chosee their own dresses. Only 1 did and it wasn't the color that I wanted. </div><div>
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StephBeanWed61502

DB had a limited range of options in the color that I wanted, none of which the girls I was shopping with liked.  Solution?  We picked a black dress and added a sash with the color I wanted.  They were happy to be spending their money on a cute black dress, I got the color I wanted, everyone went home happy.

MD, do whatever you want, really, do.  My only point was that there is a solution to every single one of the "problems" you've posed that would've allowed these girls to continue to be in your wedding.  Your vision/color choice/dress choice/whatever is more important to you, at the end of the day, than including these two girls in your wedding party.  Own that fact and live with it, instead of having the nerve to be mad at them over it.