Wedding Woes

Where to get hitched...

Here is our main dilemma (one of the two)... I am from Canada, my fiance from the US. He is deployed at the moment and we are waiting for my Visa so we can get married and I can move there. He is from MI, me from ON, but he is posted in NY, which is just over 2hrs from where my family and friends live, but 8hrs from where his family is.
We originally decided to have the wedding in NY because we can get the best deal, location etc... plus it's close to the majority of people. Now that his mom has told him no one will come that far for our wedding (budget and distance) he won't get married there, because he will be embarrassed having '3' family members there. I offered to pay for the hotel rooms but it's still 'no'. He just wants to axe the whole 'wedding' and just get married south with only our parents and one sibling. I have a very close and decent sized family, both of my parents are with new partners and so with the minimum people included, I will have at least 35 guests no matter where we go, they will come and I will want them there. My family can afford to make the trip. He doesn't actually care if his extended family is at the wedding or not (in fact he doesn't keep in touch with them much), he is more concerned about being embarrassed that no one would make the trip for him. I said we'll just have the wedding near his family then but he doesn't like that because he know it will upset my family, seeing as they will be paying for a larger portion. It's not going to be formal, we want a laid back but nice outdoor wedding. I really don't care where it is as long as it's not in a basement/banquet setting... 
What should I do? I want to make him happy and not stress him out, this wedding is for US, not about us making people happy which is some concerns he has. On the same hand, I want and need my family there. We have always been close and I will be moving away, which will be very hard on them (not to mention I am the only girl among all the grandkids and the oldest). He has already moved away from his family. The main reason why this is an issue is because we got engaged before his tour but have not made an official announcement yet, so most of the people don't actually know. We can't talk to them about it for another month, but with our Visa coming up we need to pre-plan things.
Thanks guys - sorry for the long message!T

Re: Where to get hitched...

  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    1. Get a new screen name that does not include your e-mail address.  It is not safe.

    2. His mom does not know what people will or won't do.  I had cousins fly in for our wedding.  Cousins I hadn't seen in quite some time and wasn't that close to.

    3. Nobody keeps a tally of how many people are there for each side.  As long as you two are happy do what you want.

    4.  This might be a case where an intimate destination wedding might be a thought.  Some place that isn't near anyone. 

    5. Why can't you tell anyone for a month?

  • tina.stamourtina.stamour member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    1. Thanks - I was wondering that haha.
    2. That's what I said, let us invite them based on what makes us happy THEN deal.
    3. I agree... he is no happy knowing it's uneven.
    4. We said that, but I'll still have the same number of 'minimal' guests of about 35 so we're in the same problem, only if we go too far none of his friends will be able to attend. At least in NY they are 20 mins away so can come to the reception you know? Which would make the numbers even... but not family wise. Ugh he can be such a brat haha.
    5. He is in Iraq and we want to do it in person. Doing it before was too rushed (I was in the middle east for 6 months too) and we want to do it right and announce it to our families in person. Even though he got homesick and told his mom haha.
  • tina.stamourtina.stamour member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    OK how do I change it to not show my email? haha
  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    What is it with people and the "ha-ha"s lately? Not everything is funny. 

    You have to sign up with a new email address and make sure you choose a USERNAME. 
    image
  • tina.stamourtina.stamour member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I was laughing cause I acknowledged it needed to be changed, then tried and failed. To me, that was funny. 

    Not everyone is funny either......

    and I did make a username, so not sure why it used my email... guess I clicked something somewhere. Oh well, I'm over it. I don't use the site too much anyways.
  • edited December 2011
    We are getting married in the caribbean, we have a wedding party of 7 on each side...we have many friends and family making the trip...a few of our bridesmaids are in school and they are still saving to make it to our wedding...We got engaged in November and have a 16 month engagement, we decided to have a longer engagement so we can go through 2 tax seasons so it is easier on the pocket book.

    I think that if you did something like this everyone can choose for themselves and you will have fun with who ever shows up...

    We are also having a reception back home to celebrate with our friends and family that could not make it...Maybe if you don't want to do the destination thing do it in one of the locations you were talking about and then a reception closer to his family. I would do New York then do a reception near his family...Why would he be embarrassed? He gets to spend the rest of his life with you...

    When we get back we are going to have pictures before our reception with family memebers that can't travel or just couldn't afford it.

    I say do what makes you both happy, and ask his opinion on where he wants to get married. If you keep him in the loop maybe he won't feel so ashamed if they don't make the trip
  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    You said that he says that your family will be upset if the wedding is held closer to where his family is, but you also said they would travel. Which is it? It kindof just sounds like your FI is being contrary. I find it odd that he's shot down every suggestion you've made to try to make things better for him. I'd be tempted to ask him what the real problem is.

    If your family really is okay with traveling, and his family really won't, then having the wedding closer to his family shoud be a no-brainer.
  • Blueyed228Blueyed228 member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    If his family cannot attend maybe you could have a small party there after your wedding.  Call it a "celebration of our marriage".  Do not register for gifts or anything, but it would be nice for them to come celebrate with you.
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  • Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_hitched?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:40e3d586-4959-46eb-b3c2-3ce7c365e007Post:2cf15719-9c77-49c9-9c58-fa22ad4b084a">Where to get hitched...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Here is our main dilemma (one of the two)... I am from Canada, my fiance from the US. He is deployed at the moment and we are waiting for my Visa so we can get married and I can move there. He is from MI, me from ON, but he is posted in NY, which is just over 2hrs from where my family and friends live, but 8hrs from where his family is. We originally decided to have the wedding in NY because we can get the best deal, location etc... plus it's close to the majority of people. Now that his mom has told him no one will come that far for our wedding (budget and distance) he won't get married there, because he will be embarrassed having '3' family members there. I offered to pay for the hotel rooms but it's still 'no'. He just wants to axe the whole 'wedding' and just get married south with only our parents and one sibling. I have a very close and decent sized family, both of my parents are with new partners and so with the minimum people included, I will have at least 35 guests no matter where we go, they will come and I will want them there. My family can afford to make the trip. He doesn't actually care if his extended family is at the wedding or not (in fact he doesn't keep in touch with them much), he is more concerned about being embarrassed that no one would make the trip for him. I said we'll just have the wedding near his family then but he doesn't like that because he know it will upset my family, seeing as they will be paying for a larger portion. It's not going to be formal, we want a laid back but nice outdoor wedding. I really don't care where it is as long as it's not in a basement/banquet setting...  What should I do? I want to make him happy and not stress him out, this wedding is for US, not about us making people happy which is some concerns he has. On the same hand, I want and need my family there. We have always been close and I will be moving away, which will be very hard on them (not to mention I am the only girl among all the grandkids and the oldest). He has already moved away from his family. The main reason why this is an issue is because we got engaged before his tour but have not made an official announcement yet, so most of the people don't actually know. We can't talk to them about it for another month, but with our Visa coming up we need to pre-plan things. Thanks guys - sorry for the long message! T
    Posted by tina.stamour@hotmail.com[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I'll be back to answer this later. 

    </div>
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  • tina.stamourtina.stamour member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thanks guys! Many good responses, I appreciate the feedback. Yes, my lovely husband to be IS being contrary, thats why I call him a brat haha. I think he is worrying about what other people want, especially his mom without us actually talking with everyone about it in person. I think that a good number of them would make the trip, sure it'll be a couple hundred bucks out of pocket for the drive plus hotel and some food but we're only getting married once you know? People do it all the time. It would be unfair for us to not have the wedding we want because they don't want to drive... so I say if they don't want to go that's their choice but we won't make our wedding based on other peoples plans.

    I think he's just being the groomzila haha. Don't get me wrong though, with him being overseas and getting our visa together and then getting a place to live it's hard to decide over skype while he's living in a tent with 11 other dudes. I just wanted to post for some feedback from some of you because this is a wedding community and I successfully assumed you could offer some great insight. This will certainly help us to make a decision next month.

    Dilema #2, he won't let my brother be in my bridal party cause it's not the way it's "supposed to be". He is willing to drop two of his best buddies to have my bro on his side to keep the numbers even... whatta guy haha. I'm not even GETTING into that one until we figure out where we're getting married. 

    I'll put a little updated down the road and let you guys know what we decide! 
  • Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_hitched?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:40e3d586-4959-46eb-b3c2-3ce7c365e007Post:d1132f5e-b43b-4e57-8518-1b63238bd957">Re: Where to get hitched...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks guys! Many good responses, I appreciate the feedback. Yes, my lovely husband to be IS being contrary, thats why I call him a brat haha. I think he is worrying about what other people want, especially his mom without us actually talking with everyone about it in person. I think that a good number of them would make the trip, sure it'll be a couple hundred bucks out of pocket for the drive plus hotel and some food but we're only getting married once you know? People do it all the time. It would be unfair for us to not have the wedding we want because they don't want to drive... so I say if they don't want to go that's their choice but we won't make our wedding based on other peoples plans. I think he's just being the groomzila haha. Don't get me wrong though, with him being overseas and getting our visa together and then getting a place to live it's hard to decide over skype while he's living in a tent with 11 other dudes. I just wanted to post for some feedback from some of you because this is a wedding community and I successfully assumed you could offer some great insight. This will certainly help us to make a decision next month. Dilema #2, he won't let my brother be in my bridal party cause it's not the way it's "supposed to be". He is willing to drop two of his best buddies to have my bro on his side to keep the numbers even... whatta guy haha. I'm not even GETTING into that one until we figure out where we're getting married.  I'll put a little updated down the road and let you guys know what we decide! 
    Posted by tina.stamour@hotmail.com[/QUOTE]

    <div>Is the "ha ha" a nervous thing, like people with 'LOL' and ' :-)'</div><div>
    </div><div>You don't have to be nervous. We can't see you or anything. </div>
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  • tina.stamourtina.stamour member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    NO not nervous at all! This is the most exciting thing ever and it could not come any faster. I don't know why I use lol or haha... I always just randomly use which ever my fingers decide to hit first. I'm also just the kind of person that sees the funny side to everything. Gotta love laughter =)
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