Wedding Woes

Seating Arrangement Causing Offense?

 

I’m having a bit of trouble with the seating arrangements for our reception.

 

At my cousins’ weddings, both sets of parents “hosted” their own separate family tables (and I should note that their in-laws get along well with each other). My parents would like to do something similar at our wedding (my parents are hosting), but this is offensive to my fiance and my fiance’s parents. They think the families should sit next to each other at the wedding, as that is what they are used to seeing. To them, separating the families looks strange and isn’t very welcoming. My parents have seen it both ways, but our family normally has each family sit at different tables so that relatives can catch up and chat with each other.

 

This really should not be a big deal. I see it as two different options for seating. No offense is meant. Looking at wedding websites, both options are suggested as possible arrangements.

 

Both sets of parents (in-laws) are frustrated with each other for various reasons. I love my parents and I have a good relationship with my fiance's parents. Both sets of parents are wonderful and supportive. Unfortunately, due to personality differences and different customs/traditions, we've had lots of misunderstandings, miscommunication, and because of this, quite a bit of drama. Now, little tiny things are becoming "big deals"  because of past grievances. 

 

To be honest, even if everything was rosy I think his parents would still be offended with the seating. To them, having "one big happy family" is very important.

 

My parents think my own relationship with my in-laws and my fiance is more important than how both sets of parents get along. For them, if a good relationship develops naturally between both sets of parents, that's great. But it shouldn't feel forced.

 

Any ideas on how to resolve this issue? Thanks in advance.

 

 

 

 

 

Re: Seating Arrangement Causing Offense?

  • All I can think is "Peanut Butter Jelly Time!!!"
    image
  • First, I'll say that I never once thought to seat my parents and my DH's parents at the same table.  I have never seen that at any wedding I've been to.  I'm not saying I don't like it, I'm just saying I've never thought about it.

    How do you and your FI want to do the seating?
  • Weddings really bring out the petty on people.  I have no advice, but I sympathize.

    FWIW- We sat with our parents.  What little we sat.
  • I think all the parents were at different tables at our wedding--both sets of parents were divorced, and there was enough extended family from each that it made logical sense to seat them in family groups as opposed to parents of the bride and groom.  We went to three weddings last year:  at one, we sat with the groom's dad (also DH's dad), one we sat with the groom's mom (also my mom), and one we sat with the bride's siblings/siblings' spouses/all of our kids (bride's nieces and nephews).  There's no right or wrong way, but I've never personally been in a wedding where both sets of parents sat together.
  • TheMrsC23TheMrsC23 member
    500 Comments
    edited February 2013
    I'm not sure what to tell you.  I mean, our parents each hosted a table and sat with their parents and other family members of their choosing (like my BIL, who was not in our wedding).

    I've really not seen it done any other way.

    Sorry your IL's are being a PITA about this issue. 
  • You don't say whether your parents are insulted/bothered at your in-laws' preferences. If I were in your shoes, I would seat the parents and grandparents together at their own special table, and then have the normal separate family arrangement--would that work?

    And you say "My parents think my own relationship with my in-laws and my fiance is more important than how both sets of parents get along. For them, if a good relationship develops naturally between both sets of parents, great, otherwise they will be polite when they see each other. "

    So with that in mind, maybe just having the parents together WILL have an impact on your own relationship with the in-laws and that will be a better way for your parents to understand.

    Are you having a head table or a sweetheart table? If you do a sweetheart table for you and fiance, then it might not be as awkward to have a parents/grandparents-only table.

    Idk, just a few thoughts off the top of my head.
  • edited February 2013
    I haven't talked to my parents yet about it, but I know they will probably be frustrated, especially since both arragements seem very popular and honestly shouldn't be a problem. My parents are pretty traditional about the wedding planning (bride's family pays, groom's family doesn't have much involvement). 

    On the plus side, dealing with all this drama has made me more independent and I'm better at standing up for myself now :-).
  • Keep in mind this is coming from someone whose parents are divorced, therefore we only consider the every-parent-hosts-a-table path.  Could you in any way split the difference?  Could you make arrangements for the parents and grandparents to sit together at the rehearsal dinner but host their own tables at the wedding reception?  Would your fiance accept this as a reasonable compromise?  What does he think the fall out would be from your FILs if they are not seated with your parents?

    Could you consider a King's Table for you, FI, your parents and either your bridal party and their SOs or your siblings/SOs? If the parents sat at the same regular table, are is there a way to fill out the table with people that would make it less awkward?

    As a last resort, if your parents would be willing to accept the burden, could you thank your ILs for their suggestion but indicate that your parents, as the individuals paying for the recpetion, will have final say in the seating chart?  I hate to use something like money as a cop out, but is this a case, since you can't make both parties happy, they who pay get final say?
    image
    Anniversary


  • Gotcha. Man, that is frustrating. I feel for you--the earlier poster is so right, wedding really do bring out the worst in people.

    My advice at this point is that it's your fiance who needs to deal with his parents, not you, and he needs to do it in a way that doesn't make it seem like blame is being shifted to you. (ie, he shouldn't say that it's because of you that you're not doing tables the way his parents want.)

    He needs to be firm and say that neither you nor he want to do the tables that way, and that this is something you and he are going to figure out together, without any input from anyone else.

    Can you come up with some sort of new tradition to symbolize the joining of families, something that could be done at the reception? Maybe a more formalized "performance" of the families joining would be meaningful to his parents. Something like a unity candle, or a presentation of symbolic gifts from one set of parents to the other? So annoying for you to have to deal with this. I'm so sorry, dear!
  • I have never heard of the parents sitting together at any wedding!

    If your parents are paying for the majority of the reception,tell your future in laws that your mother insists on making the seating arrangements,if she would like to make some input ask her to put it on paper so that you can give it to yout mother.

    Good Luck!!!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_seating-arrangement-causing-offense?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4335f6ef-651d-4a33-80d8-9a5d88c149edPost:3b16c2b1-6cfe-4f33-9663-db9f0fe2d50c">Re: Seating Arrangement Causing Offense?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Gotcha. Man, that is frustrating. I feel for you--the earlier poster is so right, wedding really do bring out the worst in people. My advice at this point is that it's your fiance who needs to deal with his parents, not you, and he needs to do it in a way that doesn't make it seem like blame is being shifted to you. (ie, he shouldn't say that it's because of you that you're not doing tables the way his parents want.) He needs to be firm and say that neither you nor he want to do the tables that way, and that this is something you and he are going to figure out together, without any input from anyone else. Can you come up with some sort of new tradition to symbolize the joining of families, something that could be done at the reception? Maybe a more formalized "performance" of the families joining would be meaningful to his parents. Something like a unity candle, or a presentation of symbolic gifts from one set of parents to the other? So annoying for you to have to deal with this. I'm so sorry, dear!
    Posted by mariakhristine[/QUOTE]

    <p class="MsoNormal">I like the idea of inventing a new tradition. Maybe we could all do a dance together. I'll try to brainstorm with my fiance.

    I also briefly talked with my dad about his thoughts on the seating (without mentioning that the other side is offended). We are having some family health issues, and he said that is one of the most important reasons that my parents want to sit with their family. This may be the last time some of them see each other (ever). So I'll also explain that to my fiance/his parents.</p>
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards