Help, my mom's feelings are hurt.

Ximena M

It is my understanding that only the names of the people who are hosting/paying for the wedding are on the wedding invitations.  My mom is not currently able to help us with the wedding other than host a small bridal shower.  In fact during the past three or four years I have had to help her out.  Now she is hurt that she is not on the invitations.  My father, and therefore my stepmother are paying for the reception and the location.  My younger sister is contributing to things like the cake.  My FI's family will be hosting the rehearsal dinner.  We will be paying for all the rest of the expense.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to include my mom without insulting and discounting all that my father and stepmother are doing for us?

McKenna2012

I like "together with their families" on invitations because it covers bases for people who care about that.  I don't understand why people get so upset about how they are worded with some laundry list of contributors.  Honestly, when I get an invitation, the only thing I even notice or care about is who, when, where.

slbinpink

Only recently have people started to only list the people that pay for the wedding on the invitation... Personally i think it's kinda rude. If you include one set of parents, why not another? That's just asking for trouble and no wonder her feelings are hurt!

I would say to be gentle with her feelings right now. Let her know you still love her very much, and you appreciate her whether her name is on the invite or not. Try to make her feel very appreciated, and ask her for her help, make sure you acknowledge her somewhere, whether it be in a toast, or in a letter, or something.

So, is your stepmom, on the invite and not  your mom? Cause if that is the case then her feelings have got to be dying.

sister2groom

I never understood making the invitation a way to indicate level of contribution, that just seem too much like the programs in a play with sponsored ads and such. Thank your father and stepmother some other, more private way, like a very nicely worded letter.

Also, the bride and groom's names are ALWAYS on the invite, regardless of whether or how much they contributed and I've NEVER seen siblings on an invite (even if they did help). 

Just include her name because it would be hurtful to single her out as the one not included and might suggest she is the onlparent who doesn't support the marriage. And even if you did just look at contributors, I think she should count as well (I think it's not fair to count the rehearsal dinner as a contribution, but not a wedding shower).

TheDuckis

Honestly, I think if you're listing your father by name, you should also list your mother. The traditional ettiquette is to list the brides parents. Yes, this is because the bride's parents traditionally pay, but in the time these traditions were formed it was also very rare for the bride's parents (or anyone) to be divorced.

Here's the thing, people rarely will give a second thought to whether the names on the invitation are the people paying, unless it's glaringly obvious. Listing your stepmother and not your mother (especially if your mother raised you and/or is currently a part of your life) is glaring, and it's kindof a big F You to your mom.

If I see "Ms. MOB and Mr and Mrs FOB request the honor of your presence..." I think "Oh, those are the bride's parents."

If I see "Mr and Mrs FOB request..." and I know Mrs. FOB is your stepmom, I think "Oh, sht. Mommy didn't contribute and either daddy or daughter is pissed." See what I'm saying?

Ximena M

I wasn't looking to be scolded when looking for advise on a bad situation.  This is a loose loose position.  I add my mother to the invite in the wrong way and my father and stepmother are hurt and mad.  My stepmother has given me a significant amount of support with my wedding, including giving her time and advise.  My father has done the same.  My mother has been supportive, but not at the same level.  I don't want to hurt either one, but the fact is my dad and stepmother are paying for the wedding and have been there for me.  I have been terrified of getting married my entire life because my parents can't get along.  They can't be in the same room together without saying something nasty about each other. 

I was hoping for some positive suggestions of how to add my mother to the invite.  Not criticisms on me following what I have read on the websites and in the books as to how to word the invites.  Please let me know if you have any positive ideas of how to do this, other wise keep to your selves.  It's all ican do keep from crying as it is.

@McKenna 2012 thank you, I'll keep that in mind.

Muffin'sMom

Wow...People gave you suggestions...which is what you asked for, correct?  There is no way to not put your mom on the invitation without hurting her.  In effect, you are punishing her because she has no money. 

I don't know who decided that only people who PAY get engraved names.  I don't work, my husband supports our family and has done so for 20 years.  Does that mean that my name doesn't count? 

If your dad is making an issue of it...shame on him. 

TheDuckis

You want to be scolded? It's LOSE, not loose, and ADVICE, not advise.

All you got was opinions and advice. Who scolded you (except for me, just now)? If your dad throws a fit about putting your mom on the invite, tell him to grow the F up, and explain to him what I said above. He can stick it to your mom and have everyone invited to the wedding know he's a competitive ass. Or he can let her name be on the invitation and no one will think twice about it.

Ximena M

WTF  Last time I ask for advice on the boards.  Both my mom and my dad have been equally nasty to each other.  In fact my dad apologized for his actions a few years ago, while my mother has just continued the blame game.  They both have faults.  I won't be checking back.  People are rude and judgmental on these boards. 

SmithMcFarlane

I"m sorry that you are going through this, I can understand though, I myself went through something like this.  My parents are divorced and there was an issue with names, who was paying more ect.  In the end, all 3 sets of parents, my 2 and FI ended up on our invites.  The reason we went with it was because it really isn't just FI and I or my mom or dad hosting the wedding.  We had to get addresses from everyone so we sat down with our parents and said look all parents involved are important to us and we want them to be on the invites.  If you want to be on the invites it will be this way.  That put an end to everything.  My parents used to fight a lot, but as my sibs and I have gotten older things have changed.  I hope that can happened for your parent's.  One thing you could remind them is that without the two of them meeting, YOU never would have come around.  I understand its hard

Anyway, back to invites, this is what we did, feel free to copy/change to suit you:)

MOB and Step-father along with
FOB and Step-Mother
invite you to the wedding of
Bride
to
Groom
son of
MOG and FOG
on _________
at ________

Good luck!!!!  It really makes things difficult when parents can't get along!!! I wish it didn't have to be that way!!!  Best wishes!!!!

McKenna2012

I suggested you write "together with their families" to avoid hurting anyone or leaving anyone out.  If that's not making a suggestion to help you, then I don't know what is.

PinkGirl02

I have never heard of doing this before. I thought that you listed the parents (or whoever raised them) on the invites only. I would have never thought to list everyone contributing.

cryssylee90

I understand where you are coming from, I just showed the layout of the invites to some of my family. We are supporting this ourselves, and they are quite unhappy that only our names are listed on the invite.

I understand it is only your dad and step mom helping but I do agree you should list your mom or at least together with their families on your invite.

Your mom may be upset just because the way your invites are worded it may seem to her that your announcing to both families that she is not able or willing to support your wedding and she could be embarrased by that.

Muffin'sMom

We only know what you tell us.  We give opinions.  It's not personal, because we DO NOT KNOW YOU.  It is our opinion based on the scope of the information provided.  You were given excellent suggestions.  Take one, or not...your choice.

Or...you can just be upset.

Butter Cookie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_moms-feelings-hurt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:43d02d7c-3edd-4670-99cb-c598bfbd4349Post:4c4f1dd8-c21c-4c8d-87c9-ffe754abeb6d">Re: Help, my mom's feelings are hurt.</a>:
[QUOTE]Or...you can just be upset.
Posted by Muffin'sMom[/QUOTE]


This is precisely what she's chosen to do.

arbolita

I wasn't looking to be scolded when looking for advise on a bad situation.  This is a loose loose position.


I'm still laughing at this.