Fiance not sure... breaks off engagement

kfm2015

My fiance and I have been planning our wedding for about a month now. And it has been very stressful. He is deployed here in DC from florida. In July, once his deployment was up, he was moving here to DC. He has a large family, great friends, and his whole unit that he has been with for 9 years all in Florida. Up until this point, he was sad about having to leave them but told me that he was 100% sure that what he wanted to do was be with me, here. I cannot move to FL because I have a six year old here that I share joint custody with her father. He would never let me take full custody, I could never leave her, and I wouldnt want her away from her father. Last night he told me that for the last two weeks he has been having major doubts about moving here and getting married. He has said in the past that marriage is not what's important to him, just being with me is. He said he really does love me, and he really doesnt want to lose me, he just feels like if he was here in DC he would not be happy. I told him that being with me should be what makes him happy...and we would be visiting his family several times a year. When he moves home typically after deployment, he says hes there for two weeks before he cant wait to leave again. There are no jobs... and the family that he misses so much, drives him crazy. Well apparently now, that's where he wants to be. He said that he wants a few days to think about it but most likely his feelings aren't going to change and maybe hes just not ready. I told him that a few days wouldn't change anything, and how would i know if he decides he DOES want to be with me that he isn't going to just change his mind again. Could I please get some constructive feedback? Its a very high likelihood that he will come back in the next few days wanting to be with me. if that is the case, what parameters should I set up to try and make it work. I recognize that giving up his family, his friends, and his unit, not to mention moving to another state, and changing his career is extremely stressful on top of getting married... so I dont know maybe if this is a normal reaction that I dont know how to deal with.

Wzz

i have to admit, i am a little busy and just skimmed - but in the title it says "fiance not sure...breaks off engagement"

if you ask me, he IS sure of what he wants if he broke off the engagement.

kfm2015

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-not-sure-breaks-off-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:44c418ab-2af5-41b5-a760-b05cc216553aPost:bcc3eb53-92cc-463f-bb4a-c417074562c1">Re: Fiance not sure... breaks off engagement</a>:
[QUOTE]i have to admit, i am a little busy and just skimmed - but in the title it says "fiance not sure...breaks off engagement" if you ask me, he IS sure of what he wants if he broke off the engagement.
Posted by Wzz[/QUOTE]

yeah you skimmed. He didnt break it off. I did. He wanted to stay together, compeltely unknowing what he wanted to do... he was back and forth. He wants to be married and be with me. He doesnt want to leave his friends and family. I simply stated that I didnt want to be married to someone that didnt wasnt sure.

hmonkey

personally, i think you should end the engagement.  if nothing else, stop planning the wedding.  the wedding planning is giving him a deadline and pressuring him to make a decision he doesn't want to make. 

if you end the engagement, he can move to dc and be with you, or just decide to leave.  you won't feel like you are forcing him to make this decision and you can also make up your own mind as to whether you want him to stay or leave.

btw, this stuff about his family driving him nuts and him wanting to leave fl right after he gets there is totally not the point.  that doesn't matter in this decision.

Wzz

"personally, i think you should end the engagement.  if nothing else, stop planning the wedding.  the wedding planning is giving him a deadline and pressuring him to make a decision he doesn't want to make."

i agree with this. maybe once the presure is off, he'll be able to think more clearly about where he wants his home to be when he isn't deployed.

VarunaTT

I"m with HMo, that his family driving him nuts?  Shouldn't factor into anything.

At the very least, you should end wedding planning.

Is he the type to hold a grudge?  B/c it's the moving that seems to be the really big part.  And you're not moving, period.  So, if he does move, will he be the type to bring it up year after year?  B/c you're not moving and that isn't ever going to change b/c of your child commitment.

I'm not sure what I'd do.  It's hard to leave a relationship that you've invested in, but if you're going to end it, now is the time to do it.  I personally think he's giving you a big ole sign that he doesn't want to move and he doesn't want to marry, but he doesn't have the strength to end it.  

Wzz

IMO, honestly, i don't see any reason why he wou;dn't put his roots in your city if he prefers to keep his career in the military and travel most of the year. i have relatives in the miliarty who've met people while deployed, and have moved away from their entire family to be with the one person they love.

guess what. they travel a few times a year to visit and still have relationships even though they live almost 2000 miles away. people make it work.

hmonkey

p.s.  in the military?  is there NO military presence in dc?

spoiler: there totes is.

Wzz

hmo, i also know that there are lots of nonstop flights from DC to all over florida that would allow this guy to visit his family. this is like, the best 'worst case scenario' stuff.

hmonkey

sure there are flights -- but are they are times and dates that are convenient for this dude?  i don't know ...

MNNEBride

Actions speak louder than words.  He can say he 100% wants to be with you but being with you means he needs to move to DC.  Until he does that, on his own without pressure from you, he's not ready.  I wouldn't be engaged to someone who didn't follow his words with his actions.  It doesn't mean you need to kick him to the curb, but I wouldn't be making lifelong plans with him.

kfm2015

This is what I keep saying. Its better for his career here. He would see his family actually MORE frequently than he actually has in the past... I think either hes freaked out and hasnt worked all these things out for himself. Or he wants and out and cant say it. Wedding planning is completely stopped. That was a no brainer. I feel betrayed though that he led me through all of this 100% driving it and now he changes his mind? wtf.

Knottie_22382102

I'm sorry this is happening to you, my heart goes out to you. But I think you have a good head on your shoulders to question it. I think it's wise to end the engagement. You should not be considering marry him until he has no doubts and is in a place to make you feel like he's 100% commited to a life with you. Being in a military situation is already stressful for a relationship itself.

If you want to continue the relationship to see what happens, I understand. There should be no rush if the only thing that matters is being together.

It may be time to move on though.

kfm2015

No he isnt the type to hold a grudge. And I believe if this had never come up... becuase i kept asking what was wrong, something was different... he would have moved here and just longed for floriday... but would have been happy with me. FYI So one thing his BIL told me was that when he father died, he was deployed and got to spend no time with him. Before he died.. his father told him to take care of his sister, who is very disfunctional with a child of her own and he has majoy guilt that he isnt closer to her. Not saying thats an excuse, but BIL told me that he thought it was a big factor.

Heffalump

Can I just say that writing "breaks off engagement" in the header and going on to say that Z was wrong to assume he broke off the engagement because he didn't, is kind of a bait and switch?

Also, it's easy for me to say from my seat on the sidelines, but I see a lot of these "he doesn't know what to do" or "he doesn't know what he wants" posts.  Listen:  no matter what he says, if he's staying in Florida, then yeah, he does know what he wants.  Even if he won't say the words.  Maybe in a perfect world he'd have it all, but since he can't, it looks like he's made his choice.  I'm sorry, I'm sure it hurts, but there it is.

kfm2015

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-not-sure-breaks-off-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:44c418ab-2af5-41b5-a760-b05cc216553aPost:61bca811-e9b4-4d09-90be-08219d2cb339">Re: Fiance not sure... breaks off engagement</a>:
[QUOTE]Can I just say that writing "breaks off engagement" in the header and going on to say that Z was wrong to assume he broke off the engagement because he didn't, is kind of a bait and switch? Also, it's easy for me to say from my seat on the sidelines, but I see a lot of these "he doesn't know what to do" or "he doesn't know what he wants" posts.  Listen:  no matter what he says, if he's staying in Florida, then yeah, he does know what he wants.  Even if he won't say the words.  Maybe in a perfect world he'd have it all, but since he can't, it looks like he's made his choice.  I'm sorry, I'm sure it hurts, but there it is.
Posted by Heffalump[/QUOTE]

Yeah I realized my title was incorrect. I apologize it wasnt meant as a bait and switch.
He hasnt decided hes staying in florida... Thats what the problem is here... there are no decisions made.

hmonkey

TEAM HEFFALUMP

kfm2015

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-not-sure-breaks-off-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:44c418ab-2af5-41b5-a760-b05cc216553aPost:30a087d1-4848-41ce-9c58-225fcb119e6d">Re: Fiance not sure... breaks off engagement</a>:
[QUOTE]TEAM HEFFALUMP
Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

um what?

VarunaTT

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-not-sure-breaks-off-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:44c418ab-2af5-41b5-a760-b05cc216553aPost:6921c3d2-9e9a-4e4f-8d92-03128626dda3">Re: Fiance not sure... breaks off engagement</a>:
[QUOTE]And I believe if this had never come up... becuase i kept asking what was wrong, something was different... he would have moved here and just longed for floriday... but would have been happy with me.
Posted by kaitiemcgehee[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh honey...no.  Everyone deserves someone that isn't settling for them.  Even if the settling works out, that's not how it should be.</div><div>
</div><div>I think you actually have your head on straight.  But I think what you need validation for is:  yes, this is a relationship ending offense.  Whether or not you choose to do that, he has really screwed up.  But it's not his decision anymore, it's yours.  You take this back from him, b/c you don't deserve to be left hanging while he figures out what he wants to do with his life and if there's room for you.</div>

hmonkey

i was just saying i agree with what heffa was saying.

btw, katie -- i was in a ldr for six years.  i moved for him because being with him was important, whether we got married or not.  i didn't need to be "convinced."

*Barbie*

i think breaking off the engagement was a step in the right direction - but you also shouldn't needlessly drag this out if it's not going anywhere. 

if he wants to move to be with you and your child, then he will move to DC, and you guys can get married. if he's not willing to make you and his future stepchild the priority, then he's not ready to be in a relationship and be a stepfather. It's not fair to you or your child for him to play this game. You're doing what is responsible for you and your child, and he needs to respect that.

i left my family and moved 300 miles away to be with my( then FI, now) husband in Philly. My husband agreed to move to TX to support me and my career. He left his entire family and all of his friends behind in Philly. He was willing to leave his extended family to make the best decision for OUR family. Sure we don't get to see the family as often as we might like, especially now that we have a DD, but at the same time, it was the best choice for us. 

kfm2015

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-not-sure-breaks-off-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:44c418ab-2af5-41b5-a760-b05cc216553aPost:7210de54-4cd8-49af-8a5d-7656bd4f2a78">Re: Fiance not sure... breaks off engagement</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance not sure... breaks off engagement : Oh honey...no.  Everyone deserves someone that isn't settling for them.  Even if the settling works out, that's not how it should be. I think you actually have your head on straight.  But I think what you need validation for is:  yes, this is a relationship ending offense.  Whether or not you choose to do that, he has really screwed up.  But it's not his decision anymore, it's yours.  You take this back from him, b/c you don't deserve to be left hanging while he figures out what he wants to do with his life and if there's room for you.
Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]

Thank you so much. That is what I need. Someone to tell me that moving on is the right thing to do... and its not worth keeping trying. Youre so right.

Heffalump

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-not-sure-breaks-off-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:44c418ab-2af5-41b5-a760-b05cc216553aPost:f869f944-9b22-47ed-a056-ed19c6e5d91a">Re: Fiance not sure... breaks off engagement</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance not sure... breaks off engagement : Yeah I realized my title was incorrect. I apologize it wasnt meant as a bait and switch. <strong>He hasnt decided hes staying in florida</strong>... Thats what the problem is here... there are no decisions made.
Posted by kaitiemcgehee[/QUOTE]
You know him better than I do, but from where I sit, it sounds like his choice is made.

Knottie_22382102

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-not-sure-breaks-off-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:44c418ab-2af5-41b5-a760-b05cc216553aPost:7210de54-4cd8-49af-8a5d-7656bd4f2a78">Re: Fiance not sure... breaks off engagement</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance not sure... breaks off engagement : Oh honey...no.  Everyone deserves someone that isn't settling for them.  Even if the settling works out, that's not how it should be. <u><strong>I think you actually have your head on straight.  But I think what you need validation for is:  yes, this is a relationship ending offense.</strong></u>  Whether or not you choose to do that, he has really screwed up.  But it's not his decision anymore, it's yours.  You take this back from him, b/c you don't deserve to be left hanging while he figures out what he wants to do with his life and if there's room for you.
Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]


Agreed.

kfm2015

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-not-sure-breaks-off-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:44c418ab-2af5-41b5-a760-b05cc216553aPost:0b220652-98ac-48c2-a296-d885f20d2adc">Re: Fiance not sure... breaks off engagement</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sorry this is happening to you, my heart goes out to you. But I think you have a good head on your shoulders to question it. I think it's wise to end the engagement. You should not be considering marry him until he has no doubts and is in a place to make you feel like he's 100% commited to a life with you. Being in a military situation is already stressful for a relationship itself. If you want to continue the relationship to see what happens, I understand. There should be no rush if the only thing that matters is being together. It may be time to move on though.
Posted by MuppetFan[/QUOTE]

Thank you for your understanding. I belive that also that all that matters is being together, but how will I know if he is ever certain of what he wants... Your right.. the military situation is extremely tough and he just reenlisted for another six years. He was making plans here... and then I think it freaked him out and he bailed.

kfm2015

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-not-sure-breaks-off-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:44c418ab-2af5-41b5-a760-b05cc216553aPost:3aeb7dbc-27df-4a0d-9806-83e21ec28928">Re: Fiance not sure... breaks off engagement</a>:
[QUOTE]i was just saying i agree with what heffa was saying. btw, katie -- i was in a ldr for six years.  i moved for him because being with him was important, whether we got married or not.  i didn't need to be "convinced."
Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

If I didnt have my daughter I would have no problems moving. I would totally go wherever. But I cant. I wouldnt need to be convinced of that... being with him is what's important.

hmonkey

i meant in relation to him -- it sounds like you are trying to do a lot to convince him that he should move, but he's not doing it.

kfm2015

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-not-sure-breaks-off-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:44c418ab-2af5-41b5-a760-b05cc216553aPost:45593dc4-c8c8-4f1c-9384-21d7945967da">Re: Fiance not sure... breaks off engagement</a>:
[QUOTE]i meant in relation to him -- it sounds like you are trying to do a lot to convince him that he should move, but he's not doing it.
Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

Oh sorry, Thanks. I'm trying not to push him and every decision hes made has been hes own. But now my first reaction is to want to convince him and I'm not going to. He says he STILL hasnt made up his mind. But i'm pretty sure I have. THis is bullsh*t. and how will I ever know that he wants to be with me.

VarunaTT

I would caution you not to just react out of hurt and anger.  You should be sure of the decision.

But I don't think you're wrong and you seem to have some common sense.

ReturnOfKuus

I don't think it's about location at all, and I think you agree.  You can do better.

*shoulder pat*

Knottie_22382102

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fiance-not-sure-breaks-off-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:44c418ab-2af5-41b5-a760-b05cc216553aPost:03d8e818-808c-489a-9966-06e1a961d9cb">Re: Fiance not sure... breaks off engagement</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Fiance not sure... breaks off engagement : Oh sorry, Thanks. I'm trying not to push him and every decision hes made has been hes own. But now my first reaction is to want to convince him and I'm not going to. He says he STILL hasnt made up his mind. <strong>But i'm pretty sure I have. </strong>THis is bullsh*t. and how will I ever know that he wants to be with me.
Posted by kaitiemcgehee[/QUOTE]

You are awesome!  You have it figured out.

When you added that he wasn't planning to re-enlist but did, that alone is a game changer IMO.  It sounds like he made that decision without you. What kind of marriage would you have if the you don't have a say?

Leaving him doesn't mean he's a bad guy or you don't love him. It means that this isn't the right relationship for you and it's time to move on.

Be strong!