Still a newlywed but planning my cousins shower

ramcheer55

I was married in June and had a fantastic wedding.  Everything was perfect except for my MOH.  My MOH was my cousin who has been like my sister since we were young.  When we were little girls we promised to be each others maid of honors.  I was always excited to share that important day with her...however I never realized it'd be so soon after mine.  She is 21 and has 2 kids who she doesn't pay much attention to at all - my grandma watches them for her almost everyday.  She hasn't worked for about 2 years so during the course of my wedding she did not work at all.  She did not do much of the planning - my mother-in-law and bridesmaids had to step up and do everything.  Now I am her MOH and planning her shower and bachelorette party for her October wedding.  She never let me enjoy planning my wedding because she always brought up her wedding...and I never got to enjoy being a newlywed because a week after our honeymoon we went bridesmaid dress shopping for her wedding.  She never even asked if we had a nice time or said what a beautiful day we had.  It's hard for me to be excited to help plan for her because she did not help my girls plan mine and really didn't even use her own money to do anything.  She expects me to use my money and take charge of hers...I definitely am taking charge and am a go getter.  I planned my own wedding with just my husband and myself and we paid for ours too.  She doesn't pay for anything and asks her dad to book her reception, caterer, and DJ.  The other bridesmaids do not live around here yet they want to help me plan.  The shower is now a month away and we haven't bought anything for it yet.  I told them to get me definite items that they are going to make or buy so I can cross it off the list I made but they keep emailing me links or suggestions and I feel like I can't get anything accomplished with them...it'd be much easier to just buy everything myself and divide it 4 ways and tell them how much they owe but each girl wants to bring their own items and ideas.  I'm just frustrated and don't like how I'm feeling.  I know I shouldn't feel bitter or upset but it's hard for me to be happy and excited for hers when I know how little she did for mine.  Also, her and her fiance, are always angry and fighting with each other and I feel like this whole thing is more or less a convenience of saything their married for the sake of their 2 kids and the fact that my cousin has always wanted a little family since she didn't have her parents around when she was growing up.  Just venting because I don't want to take any of this out on her or let this get me too frustrated.  Any thoughts or similar experiences?

*Barbie*

SMDH @ 21 with 2 kids.

it sounds like you are trying to make her wedding planning all about YOU YOU YOU just like she made yours all about HER HER HER.

a MOH or bridesmaid is only required to show up on the day of the wedding and stand up with the bride and groom in a specified outfit. if you don't want to do the stuff your cousin is asking for, don't do it.

hmonkey

it sounds like you don't want to be her moh OR plan her shower.

ramcheer55

To be honest I don't really want to be her MOH.  I was so excited to have her be a part of my day and to share in this special time.  I was excited to be her MOH and to help plan and make this a special time for her.  But when I found out how little she did of mine and even asked on of my bridesmaids how she could get out of doing things, it really hurt and had I known that she was going to treat my special day like that, I wouldn't have asked her to be my MOH.  I don't like to hold a grudge or have negative thoughts but it's hard for me to put all of my heart and energy into this.  For me it was a lack of respect and selfishness the way she treated my day and my other bridesmaids and it was embarrassing to me that I had to keep defending her and listen to my bridesmaids and mother-in-law complain how little help they received and how she wasn't taking care of things.  I do want to give her a great day and a great shower it's just hard to get past the hurt feelings. I don't want this to be about me at all.  I just went through my wedding and I know exactly how I much I could have used a good maid of honor to help with stress and last minute details.  Instead she gave me more stress and made me have to resolve more issues that I shouldn't have had to deal with.  I want to be a good MOH to her and I will because I would never tell her my true feelings and hurt her like she hurt me.  @ Barbie - maybe that was all a MOH or bridesmaid had to do before, but I feel like nowadays bridesmaids and MOH's are supposed to coordinate and through the shower and plan the bachelorette party.  I don't think they need to be too involved with teh actual wedding as that is the bride/grooms responsibility but the other details of a shower and bachelorette party should fall on the bridal party.

mrsconn23

Good lord, paragraphs are your friend.

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_still-newlywed-but-planning-cousins-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:44d1ada3-111c-4038-bad6-566b595faf28Post:036f4374-1584-490a-a429-8809ac7dcb82">Re: Still a newlywed but planning my cousins shower</a>:
[QUOTE] @ Barbie - maybe that was all a MOH or bridesmaid had to do before, but I feel like nowadays bridesmaids and MOH's are supposed to coordinate and through the shower and plan the bachelorette party.  I don't think they need to be too involved with teh actual wedding as that is the bride/grooms responsibility but the other details of a shower and bachelorette party should fall on the bridal party.
Posted by ramcheer55[/QUOTE]

Bachelorette parties and showers are not requirements for getting married. Back in the day... (roughly 5 years ago)... my younger sister was my MOH. She didn't even *attend* my shower (MIL threw it) or bachelorette party (local friend threw it).

I would rather that someone had a party for me because they like me, and want to do it, rather than feeling like it is an obligation because they were given a title

it looks like you bought into the whole TK marketing scheme, so good for them.

if you don't want to be MOH cause you're all butthurt over your wedding, then step down and let someone who WANTS the job have it. otherwise you need to get over it.

ramcheer55

@ Barbie - Like I said I do want to give her this special time and want to give her a beautiful shower.  I didn't buy into the whole TK marketing scheme - I planned my own wedding with little help from others and came in under our budget and am proud of it.  When I came on her to vent I wanted to do just that.  I didn't ask to be ridiculed or disrespected.  How about you learn if you don't have anything nice to say - DONT SAY IT!  LIke I said before I would never tell her these things because I respect her and her special time too much and don't want to take away from her.  I can get over it and I'm workign through it but when someone you trust and love hurts you it's kind of hard to move on and be excited and happy go lucky to put more trust and love to them.  How about you quit bashing and belittling me and my opinions or feelings...I'm sure you've never felt hurt or upset so you can't possibly understand compassion.

tawillers

You asked for thoughts.  Barbie gave you hers.

Basically, you don't feel like your cousin deserves a good MOH because she wasn't one to you, but you're going to throw her a nice shower/bach party because you're an AW and you'll just b!tch about it behind her back.

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_still-newlywed-but-planning-cousins-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:44d1ada3-111c-4038-bad6-566b595faf28Post:162ef058-eccd-4c92-8fbb-6db8ff7e6d16">Still a newlywed but planning my cousins shower</a>:
[QUOTE] Any thoughts or similar experiences?
Posted by ramcheer55[/QUOTE]

you asked for thoughts, you got them.

if you were just looking for someone to coddle you and shoot puppies and rainbows and glitter out of their ass, you should have asked for that.

"ZOMG, I can't believe your cousin was such a witch-with-a-B when it came to YOUR SPECIAL DAY! every BRIDE deserves her SPECIAL DAY, and it was sooooooooooooo awful that she totally ruined yours with her negative attitude. YOU are such an AWESOME MOH to go dress shopping <em><u>after your honeymoon</u></em>, and plan your Cousin's wedding shower and bachelorette EVEN THOUGH OTHER PEOPLE ARE PAYING FOR HER WEDDING AND YOU TOTALLY PAID FOR YOURS!!! Those other bridesmaids had better<strong><em><u> GET IN LINE</u></em></strong> and start doing what you want for the shower because you are like the BEST HOST EVER! I KNOW you are going to throw a TOTALLY AWESOME party for your cousin's SPECIAL DAY. I AGREE WITH YOU 100%. HANG IN THERE!!! LOVE AND SMOOCHES, PUPPIES, GLITTER, and UNICORNS CRAPPING RAINBOWS!!! XOXO, YOUR NEW BFF, *Barbie*"

better?

[Deleted User]

I love how in these posts about terrible MOHs the OP always throws in personal info to make the MOH sound like a terrible person, even though it has nothing to do with being  a MOH. For example, what does the fact that she ignores her kids have to do with anything? I bet if she ignored her kids to plan a bachelorette party, OP wouldn't have a problem.

LnR70707

Dress shopping ruined your ability to enjoy being a newlywed?  Your married life must really suck.

ramcheer55

So am i to take it that no one has ever had a bad day or just wanted to have someone give them positive encouragement?  Wow you guys are pathetic.  I hope none of you ever need some uplifting because the way you put people down I'm sure there isn't anyone around you who would want to care.  My life as a newlywed is awesome - just because I spoke about not even being able to get back home from the honeymoon adn it being all about her again.  DId i mention she even contacted me on my honeymoon to plan her wedding.  The fact that she has 2 kids and everyone else raises them shows how little she cares abotu people and their feelings and taking advantage of others for her own benefit.  I prefer to help people and support people (even tho inside I may have other feelings).  I would never put someone down or say anything negative to them to upset them in their special time.  No I don't want to sh!t rainbows and butterflys but for once in my wedding it would have been nice to have it be about me.  Dress shopping wasn't what ruined my married life - my married life is great.  But it sure is a b!tch slap to be likey hey nice honeymoon now on to me.  I always sit back and bide my time but for once I feel like saying to all of you f**k you I don't need to defend myself - I was feeling stressed and upset and don't want to say anything i'd regret to my cousin who despite hard feelings, I do love.   I don't need someone to coddle me! I was looking for someone who may have gone through an equally frustrating time and could say hey it was hard but this was what I did.  Not b!tch at me and put me down for feeling upset.  Just a hint here - if you guys can criticize and bitch at someone you don't know....hmm...wonder what your wonderful lives are like. 

tawillers

Next time you get married maybe you should be more vocal about not wanting to be bothered until your newlywed wears off.

ramcheer55

Aw I'm sorry do I know any of you?  No so quite acting like you know me.  Don't judge or attack - people on this website are here for advice and for getting positive feedback to help them...not negative and messages that are meant to attack.  You must all have awful lives if you have to bash and hurt others who you don't even know...that or you're all just cowards who can b!tch on here about everyone else but can't face real life.

artbyallie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_still-newlywed-but-planning-cousins-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:44d1ada3-111c-4038-bad6-566b595faf28Post:13f95d6c-4f3a-412b-82dc-20e99599a434">Re: Still a newlywed but planning my cousins shower</a>:
[QUOTE]Aw I'm sorry do I know any of you?  No so quite acting like you know me.  Don't judge or attack - people on this website are here for advice and for getting positive feedback to help them...not negative and messages that are meant to attack.  You must all have awful lives if you have to bash and hurt others who you don't even know...that or you're all just cowards who can b!tch on here about everyone else but can't face real life.
Posted by ramcheer55[/QUOTE]

<div>How old are you, honey? Because you're acting about twelve. We can only know about you from what you've posted with your grand total of <strong>7</strong> posts, and you come across as an entitled brat. Give us something to go on that doesn't make you look that way if you don't want to be treated like one. Also, these are not the puppies and rainbows you're looking for.</div>

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_still-newlywed-but-planning-cousins-shower?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:44d1ada3-111c-4038-bad6-566b595faf28Post:13f95d6c-4f3a-412b-82dc-20e99599a434">Re: Still a newlywed but planning my cousins shower</a>:
[QUOTE]Aw I'm sorry do I know any of you?  No so quite acting like you know me.  Don't judge or attack - people on this website are here for advice and for getting positive feedback to help them...not negative and messages that are meant to attack.  You must all have awful lives if you have to bash and hurt others who you don't even know...that or you're all just cowards who can b!tch on here about everyone else but can't face real life.
Posted by ramcheer55[/QUOTE]

no, we're here to talk about TV, baked goods, peen, hair touching, give good advice to folks who are smart enough to take it, and for general entertainment purposes. 

beebees who come on and throw "you don't know me" tantrums fit into that "entertainment" box. so thank you for providing us with some minor amusement.