recently got married and now a Maid of Honour

JCooper3110

Hi! I recently got married in August and it was a disaster. The only thing that didn't fall apart was that I got to marry my best friend which I am very grateful for. Very few of our pictures turned out, the band was 3 hours late, 30 people who rsvped didn't show up so we paid for more food than was needed, my dad couldn't dance with me because he was too sick, the hair and makeup girls made my bridesmaids look like they were going out for Halloween so we had to redo all of their makeup, and we paid for the whole thing out of pocket. I worked 45 days straight while trying to get the wedding stuff done and organized.

I am having a HUGE moral dilemma! My best girlfriend and MOH didn't do anything for me at all. She didn't throw me a shower, she didn't plan my bachelorette party (i had to do it and I paid for everything for her as well and she cried the entire time because she was homesick), and she didn't help with pulling together the bridesmaids or make any effort what-so-ever to take stress off my back. She actually just created stress. I also had to pay for her MOH dress which wasn't that expensive but it still added to me working yet one more day to pay for it. I have known her since I was in 6th grade and she considers me her best friend as well. None of my other bridesmaids had ever been a BM before and also made my wedding experience horrible. A few of them bailed on me last minute because they forgot to get the time off.

Now my MOH is getting married and she is expecting me to pay for her shower and her bachelorette party and make her dream wedding come true. I want to make sure that she has an amazing time and look back on all of this and smile. I don't want her to experience what I feel when I look back on my wedding and bachelorette party. I feel so negative and pissed that I just wanted to have some fun. I'm pissed at this point but she is sensitive and I know if I were to say something she would be offended.

Is it too late to say something to her or should I say something after her wedding is done? I just a little frustrated. Please help!

VarunaTT

Let it go and move on.  

PMeg819

Move on. No one is entitled to a shower or a bachelorette party, and your MOH doesn't have to be the one that puts these events together. If you can't afford it, be clear with her. Tell her that given the finances of your recent wedding, you can't afford to host those events if that's the case. She is entitled to her dream wedding- but she can make that happen. You aren't responsible for her happiness and if having those two parties doesn't make her happy then that's pretty pathetic.

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_recently-got-married-and-now-a-maid-of-honour?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:46f2bfea-ea71-489f-b6fd-1302be4a9a22Post:b1e64a3c-4605-4e74-a1ee-6d0fb169ac9a">recently got married and now a Maid of Honour</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi! I recently got married in August and it was a disaster. The only thing that didn't fall apart was that I got to marry my best friend which I am very grateful for. <strong>Very few of our pictures turned out, the band was 3 hours late, 30 people who rsvped didn't show up so we paid for more food than was needed, my dad couldn't dance with me because he was too sick, the hair and makeup girls made my bridesmaids look like they were going out for Halloween so we had to redo all of their makeup, and we paid for the whole thing out of pocket.</strong> I worked 45 days straight while trying to get the wedding stuff done and organized. I am having a HUGE moral dilemma!<strong> My best girlfriend and MOH didn't do anything for me at all. She didn't throw me a shower, she didn't plan my bachelorette party (i had to do it and I paid for everything for her as well and she cried the entire time because she was homesick), and she didn't help with pulling together the bridesmaids or make any effort what-so-ever to take stress off my back. She actually just created stress. I also had to pay for her MOH dress which wasn't that expensive but it still added to me working yet one more day to pay for it.</strong> I have known her since I was in 6th grade and she considers me her best friend as well. None of my other bridesmaids had ever been a BM before and also made my wedding experience horrible. A few of them bailed on me last minute because they forgot to get the time off. Now my MOH is getting married and she is expecting me to pay for her shower and her bachelorette party and make her dream wedding come true. I want to make sure that she has an amazing time and look back on all of this and smile. I don't want her to experience what I feel when I look back on my wedding and bachelorette party. I feel so negative and pissed that I just wanted to have some fun.<strong> I'm pissed at this point but she is sensitive and I know if I were to say something she would be offended. Is it too late to say something to her or should I say something after her wedding is done?</strong> I just a little frustrated. Please help!
Posted by JCooper3110[/QUOTE]<div>
<div>you realize that in your role of MatronOH, all that is required is that you show up for the wedding, and stand up with the bride wearing the specified outfit, right? </div><div>
</div><div>the first bolded sectoin is a list of stuff that went wrong, that had *NOTHING* to do with your MOH - just your poor choice in vendors,  your rude guests, and illness. none of this was her fault, and all of the same crap could happen to anyone. </div><div> </div><div>you were not required to have a shower or a bachelorette party- and throwing these for yourself is considered rude. </div><div>
</div><div>you were not required to pay for her dress - this is a choice that you made for whatever reason (she couldn't afford it, she was dragging her feet and it was the only way to get it ordered, etc.) you can't hold it against her that you made this choice. </div><div>
</div><div>if you are such good friends, why didn't you bring anything up at the time when it was all happening? isn't part of having a best friend being able to talk to them about everything - even if it's a difficult or potentially hurtful subject?</div><div>
</div><div>i don't understand what you think you will accomplish by bringing this up to her after her wedding. are you planning on rubbing it in her face? "ZOMG, you were such a sh!tty MOH, and I was an awesome one because i did all of this stuff for you, and you didn't do anything for me!"</div><div>
</div><div>i think that you need to get over youself and take one of two courses of action:</div><div>1) shut your gob and be the best MOH EVER because she's your friend, you love her, and you want her to have a good time. </div><div>2) tell her off for not living up to your expectations, and either talk things out or end the friendship. </div><div>
</div><div>you could always take the passive aggressive path and do the bare minimum, and react in the same way she did as your MOH, but that won't actually resolve anything. </div><div>
</div></div>

JCooper3110

@Barbie

I am not a mean person and am very passive! You are very aggresive and I would never approach a friend like how you said of telling them they were a shitty bridesmaid ever. She asked me to buy her dress and she would pay me back but she backed out. I never asked her for a bachelorette party or a shower but she wanted to throw one and asked me to book the rooms and flights and she would pay me back, she never did. I wasn't meaning to be rude by booking these things for myself, I was more thinking of how to have a good time with my bridesmaids. I never blamed her for any of the things that happend at the wedding and I understand that it was the vendors not her. I am sorry for the miscommunication on that. Please don't tell me to get over myself. I am not obsessed with myself, I was just asking for opinons for the situation. I am sorry if I offended you I was just looking for helpful advice on how to handle the situation not looking for a fight.

PMeg819

Well honestly, that's a whole different other layer to the story. She said she'd pay you back. What sort of friend bails on all of that? That's a substantial amount of money- so what's her excuse? Honestly, I'd be annoyed at having to foot those bills and then be asked to have to pay more for someone else's party. I'm confrontational though. But given your response to Barbie you sort of seem like you are just going to pay up and shut up, so I'm not sure why you are even posting.

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_recently-got-married-and-now-a-maid-of-honour?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:46f2bfea-ea71-489f-b6fd-1302be4a9a22Post:e10120a4-1e7e-47fa-9051-08f7e2d3d43d">Re: recently got married and now a Maid of Honour</a>:
[QUOTE]@Barbie I am not a mean person and am very passive! You are very aggresive and I would never approach a friend like how you said of telling them they were a shitty bridesmaid ever. <strong>She asked me to buy her dress and she would pay me back but she backed out. I never asked her for a bachelorette party or a shower but she wanted to throw one and asked me to book the rooms and flights and she would pay me back, she never did.</strong> I wasn't meaning to be rude by booking these things for myself, I was more thinking of how to have a good time with my bridesmaids. I never blamed her for any of the things that happend at the wedding and I understand that it was the vendors not her. I am sorry for the miscommunication on that. Please don't tell me to get over myself. I am not obsessed with myself, I was just asking for opinons for the situation. I am sorry if I offended you I was just looking for helpful advice on how to handle the situation not looking for a fight.
Posted by JCooper3110[/QUOTE]

<div>when you only give part of the story, how do you expect to get a real response?</div><div>
</div><div>it sounds like you may be her best friend, but she isn't yours. a real friend wouldn't take advantage of someone like that. i don't understand what is so wonderful about this woman that you're willing to stick around and let her take advantage of you</div><div>
</div><div>i still think that you need to be straight with her and tell her that you're upset with her and why. you want advice? grow some balls. </div><div>
</div><div>if you're too passive to do that, but are still feeling passive-aggressive, then just use the line from PP that you're still busy paying for your own wedding/bachelorette/her MOH dress, etc and you can't pay for all of that stuff for her/her wedding. too bad, so sad. </div><div>
</div><div>or you know, you could just shut up, pay for everything, and not worry about "offending" this woman.</div>

NYCMercedes

You asked if you should say something and I think you should say nothing to her about how she acted regarding your wedding. Don't throw her any parties, if that is what you need to make you happy. You can tell her you cannot afford it, but then you need to put it all aside and be happy for her marriage and wedding.

FluffyGumDrop2

Your options are:

1. Decline to be her MOH

2. Accept to be her MOH, show up to the wedding in the correct dress and don't get involved in the wedding events

3. Accept to be her MOH, plan and participate in the events that you want to participate in; DO NOT throw it in her face later that you did x thing for her and she didn't do it for you. If you agree to help with things, you have to let it go that she didn't pay you back for the other stuff or follow through on plans for your wedding.

Honestly, I think you need to talk to her about the money she said she'd pay you. I'm sure it'll be an awkward conversation but either you get that money back or you move on with your life knowing you'll never see that money again. She sounds like she used you but you let yourself be used as well so either confront her about the money or let it go and move on with your life. 

jrm111

I think the best course of action would be for you to nicely talk to her about it. Just say you don't think you could financially handle paying for her shower and bachelorette party after paying for your own and if that means she wants to pick someone else for her MOH you'd understand. Hopefully she will understand that she should have been more helpful during your wedding but if not move on. You must be a better friend to her than she is to you.

Heffalump

I think these are two separate issues.

1.  As others have pointed out, no one is entitled to have their MOH throw them a shower, bachelorette party, etc.  They're a gift, not a requirement.

2.  If you want to fulfill her requests, then by all means do so.  If you can't, then tell her so. 
She didn't owe you, and now you don't owe her.  Simple.

And her saying she would pay you back and then not doing so is pretty shady, regardless.  I do agree that it sounds like she's not that into you, so do what you want with that.

JCooper3110

@Heffalump

Then why did she ask me to be her MOH? She has 6 other bridesmaids... why me?