Since we're talking about divorce & kids

MrsMyrtle

You're in a loveless marriage. You and your spouse are constantly fighting. The only reason you're married is because you have a child together.

That child gets older and has its own set of problems. Serious problems.

Your life is miserable. You should be retiring, and instead you continue to work and stay in the schitty marriage because you think it's the right thing to do for your kid.

WDWWT? There's really no good resolution.

NOLABridesmaid

Was there ever any love between the couple?

MrsMyrtle

Maybe for a minute.

MinM

I have a friend right now, where both he and his wife have stepped out on each other. Their kid is now 13. She's a smart kid, with a good head on her shoulders.

He said he wants out but worries about how divorce would affect the kid.

I said, in my experience, it's worse for the kid to see all the fighting and parents being jerky to another. Like THAT sets a better example than divorce? An unhappy marriage isn't a good example or good for the kid either (in general). I feel it is better to have two happy, seperate parents than living in a house where there is constant fighting/miserable parents.

Also, his wife used to be super jealous of me and told him never to spend time alone with me and then SHE went out and cheated. I find this highly ironic - or something - I'm not sure if that is the right word. But oh, how the mightly have fallen.

MrsMyrtle

I totally agree with you, Min. I'd get the HELL out of there.

nicoleg1982

Welcome to my dad and smom's marriage.  My brother is a wreck.  Still.  Years later, b/c they stayed together and put on happy faces til he graduated high school.  They should've split 20 years ago.

NOLABridesmaid

I think it is possible to get back to a healthy marriage with a lot of help and Jesus.:)

That is if BOTH people want to save their marriage. It's not going to work if only one person wants to save it, and the other person has one foot out of the door.

MrsMyrtle

Adding to this: You know that if you get divorced, that the mother will take the kid and raise it herself, and she'll never let you see him. And she'll take you for everything you've got. She's said so many times and has even taken steps to ensure that she'll come out looking like the victim.

jojobrn

This is my best friend. She is 29, hasn't had any real long term relationships because her parents stayed together for the kids. Hell, they are still married now, for god knows what. They hate each other, fight like cats and dogs, and my friend would rather be single that ish scarred her so much.

NOLABridesmaid

I hope he can afford a good lawyer.

MinM

Myrtle - that isn't the case with my friend and yes, that would change things.

Also, FWIW - my friend's wife stepped out on him first. They tried to work it out, with Jesus, and I guess something happened because the next thing I know, he's cheated, doesn't know if he can get his marriage back, doesn't know if he wants it back, has quit his job and went back to his hometown (which is in a different country). Crazy.

TheDuckis

If I knew my child would be taken from me I'd stay in the marriage. If I knew I could take the child with me I'd leave.

hmonkey

i do think it's way worse for parents to stay in a horrible marriage for the kid. 
1) that's no example and
2) no kid wants to feel like she's the reason both of her parents are so unhappy.

they should divorce.  if she wants to spend the money making him unhappy, that's fine.  but her crazy will probably win out and he can get some rights to his kid.

TheDuckis

Also, how does one get into a loveless marriage? I just don't see that being a mistake I would make. I do think people have a responsibility to live with their decisions, and I don't think happiness is an entitlement.

MrsMyrtle

No, I'm not pregnant.

This is FIL's situation. And he got into it because he saw what his divorce from MIL did to Fishy, so he's vowed to stay in it for LLB. Meanwhile, sMIL is making him completely miserable and LLB continues to be the biggest brat I've ever seen. But he's made his own bed, so he's lying in it.

baconsmom

They can't live civilly together at all? Then yes, it's better to divorce, and try to live close to each other and co-parent. And not throw any new serious relationships into the mix. 

If she's going to be a bitch and "take him" and take the kid, well, I don't know. Can the kid live with grandma or something? 

This is why it's important to choose the right damn person in the first place, so these situations don't happen. 

MrsMyrtle

They can be civil when there are other people around, but it sounds like behind closed doors she's just a massive bitch. And I'm sure he can be an ass, too.

And no, there are no grandparents. These two are 60+ now. Hell, THEY'RE grandparents.

DG1

If I were him, I think I'd consult a lawyer first and ask for advice. (I'd say a counselor, but it seems to be way past that.)

I know when SIL and BIL were planning to separate, SIL went to see a lawyer who gave her good advice about what to do before they split up (getting finances straight, miscellany about health insurance for the kids, etc) and what could/should be resolved afterward.  Naturally, they ended up not divorcing (eyeroll).  I expect them to be right back in the same situation in a year or two. Even DH thinks so, and he always has rose-colored glasses on about people.

MinM

My friend and his wife married because she caught the preggers.