Wedding Woes
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Wedding is 17 months away and just found out I'm pregnant

Okay, my situation just keeps getting deeper and deeper.  Last year, without any family knowing, my fiancee and I got married because he is in the military and they were going to station him on a boat for a full year.  Getting married prevented this.  We were engaged anyways, but my family has been planning my wedding since the day I was born.  My mom is extremely excited and I am my dads only girl (I'm a big daddy's girl).  I just found out I am pregnant (not planned) and I feel like having a big wedding is selfish.  I have been dreaming of a big fairy tale wedding all my life, but don't know what to do.  I know my parents want  a huge wedding as well, but am I being selfish?!

Re: Wedding is 17 months away and just found out I'm pregnant

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    edited December 2011
    Your parents still don't know you're married?
    MIL is thrilled you're joining the family. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
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    edited December 2011
    So...if you hadn't gotten pregnant, you were going to let your parents plan and pay for a wedding anyway, even though you're already married? I'm assuming no one else but the military knows you are married as you're referring to your 'wedding' and not a vow renewal. Too bad your future kid ruined your big plans of having a fake wedding and lying to your family just so you can have your "special day."
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    MrsMyrtleMrsMyrtle member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Having a big wedding (funded by your parents) AFTER you're already marred = selfish.

    Having a surprise pregnancy ruin your fake wedding day = Karma.
    image
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    6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Mrs. Myrtle nailed it.

    I am curious if you have been living together. 
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    TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Please see ---->here for my thoughts on fake weddings.
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    quotequeenquotequeen member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_wedding-17-months-away-just-found-out-im-pregnant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4c6a501a-4d2a-4b16-bb79-c94ad75b9cd5Post:c3abb9c9-6335-4245-bdcf-0cbb9a0ea597">Re: Wedding is 17 months away and just found out I'm pregnant</a>:
    [QUOTE]Having a big wedding (funded by your parents) AFTER you're already marred = selfish. Having a surprise pregnancy ruin your fake wedding day = Karma.
    Posted by MrsMyrtle[/QUOTE]

    That was awesome.
    Married 10/2/10
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    edited December 2011

    A lot of odd things happened. I been to sweet 16's where the chick is obviously pregnant and they still throw her a party. My friends parents were legally married but had "the big party" 12 years later where she even wore white. In this century alot of odd things happen. Nothing is traditional as before. I mean alot of girls marry in white when they shouldn't (there are some girls that do qualify in that criteria ) In a traditional marriage both groom and bride need to be virgins to get married through church and that's not the case these days. Couples that live together without being engaged marry as well, when back then that was looked down on too. Besides if they have money to pay for it and want to pay for it, can anyone really stop them from having the wedding? Vendors will be there if you have a check waiting for them.

    All you need to do is be completely honest with your family. Your family will love you regardless. You want your big wedding? And they're willing to give it to you? Are you in love? That's all that counts.


    OH AND BY THE WAY CONGRATS ON YOUR BABY IT'S A BLESSING!!

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    baconsmombaconsmom member
    5 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_wedding-17-months-away-just-found-out-im-pregnant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4c6a501a-4d2a-4b16-bb79-c94ad75b9cd5Post:3477837c-79b3-48f7-b8a7-5067287ec01e">Re: Wedding is 17 months away and just found out I'm pregnant</a>:
    [QUOTE]A lot of odd things happened. I been to sweet 16's where the chick is obviously pregnant and they still throw her a party. My friends parents were legally married but had "the big party" 12 years later where she even wore white. In this century alot of odd things happen. Nothing is traditional as before. <strong>I mean alot of girls marry in white when they shouldn't (there are some girls that do qualify in that criteria )</strong> In a traditional marriage both groom and bride need to be virgins to get married through church and that's not the case these days. Couples that live together without being engaged marry as well, when back then that was looked down on too. Besides if they have money to pay for it and want to pay for it, can anyone really stop them from having the wedding? Vendors will be there if you have a check waiting for them. All you need to do is be completely honest with your family. Your family will love you regardless. You want your big wedding? And they're willing to give it to you? Are you in love? That's all that counts. OH AND BY THE WAY CONGRATS ON YOUR BABY IT'S A BLESSING!!
    Posted by Mioh1[/QUOTE]

    <div>You mean they're not rich enough to buy a dress they only wear once? </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
    image
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_wedding-17-months-away-just-found-out-im-pregnant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4c6a501a-4d2a-4b16-bb79-c94ad75b9cd5Post:3477837c-79b3-48f7-b8a7-5067287ec01e">Re: Wedding is 17 months away and just found out I'm pregnant</a>:
    [QUOTE]A lot of odd things happened. I been to sweet 16's where the chick is obviously pregnant and they still throw her a party. My friends parents were legally married but had "the big party" 12 years later where she even wore white. In this century alot of odd things happen. Nothing is traditional as before. I mean alot of girls marry in white when they shouldn't (there are some girls that do qualify in that criteria ) In a traditional marriage both groom and bride need to be virgins to get married through church and that's not the case these days. Couples that live together without being engaged marry as well, when back then that was looked down on too. Besides if they have money to pay for it and want to pay for it, can anyone really stop them from having the wedding? Vendors will be there if you have a check waiting for them. All you need to do is be completely honest with your family. Your family will love you regardless. You want your big wedding? And they're willing to give it to you? Are you in love? That's all that counts. OH AND BY THE WAY CONGRATS ON YOUR BABY IT'S A BLESSING!!
    Posted by Mioh1[/QUOTE]

    <div>holy way to know nothing about anything. wearing white has nothing to do with virginity. the church doesn't require anyone to be a virgin when they marry. what does a sweet 16 have anything to do with being pregnant? (which is just sad - a pregnant 16 year old)</div><div>
    </div><div>welcome to reality - it DOES matter if you're married or not when you have a WEDDING. you can't have a wedding when you're already married. it doesn't work that way. </div>
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    edited December 2011

    I meant that they're not virgins, money has nothing to do with it. And in the old days it was a requirement because it meant "purity". Now they don't require it because it's 2010 not 1800's.

    The sweet 16 being pregnant has to do with a girl becoming a woman. She's not suppose to be pregnant and have the party but it still happens. Yet the parents still throw her a party. So in this case, she can go get her marriage blessed by the church and have her big party. Just call it a vowel re-newel. If her parents want to throw her a party they can. It's still a celebration of their unity.

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    BeeBee22BeeBee22 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Vowel renewal?  

    Actually, the "sacredness" of virginity had to do with women being property.  If they were known to be non-virgins, they were considered damaged goods.  It was also an attempt to guarantee that a man's heirs were, in fact, his children.  That's it.  White is a random custom to do with wealth (once upon a time only the wealthy could afford to keep clothes white)

    Sweet sixteen is a bogus celebration.  There were ancient rituals around the beginning of a girl's menses (thereby becoming capable of childbearing), but that would have generally happened before 16, and not involved big gift grabs.

    Try researching things.
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    GBCKGBCK member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_wedding-17-months-away-just-found-out-im-pregnant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4c6a501a-4d2a-4b16-bb79-c94ad75b9cd5Post:0bdab1c5-46b3-4107-83a9-c7e8d2e8b947">Re: Wedding is 17 months away and just found out I'm pregnant</a>:
    [QUOTE]I meant that they're not virgins, money has nothing to do with it. And in the old days it was a requirement because it meant "purity". Now they don't require it because it's 2010 not 1800's. The sweet 16 being pregnant has to do with a girl becoming a woman. She's not suppose to be pregnant and have the party but it still happens. Yet the parents still throw her a party. So in this case, she can go get her marriage blessed by the church and have her big party. Just call it a vowel re-newel. If her parents want to throw her a party they can. It's still a celebration of their unity.
    Posted by Mioh1[/QUOTE]

    You need to actually know something before you start spouting off such stuff....white =/= virginity.
    white = money.

    That's what the girls here were trying to tell you--that you need to do your research.
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    brilibby4brilibby4 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It isn't a wedding if you are already married.
    image
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    redheadfsuredheadfsu member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    ditto the pps (the ones that know this should be a vow renewal & know history)

    Op, how could you keep being married from your parents? That's horribly wrong.
    A vow renewal is fine, but always be honest with friends and family. The lie is what is so bad here, not having a party or baby. Time to behave like an adult.

    Planning Bio
    Married 9/15/11

    image
    *This is Not Legal Advice*
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    edited December 2011

    I just don't see why you guys needed to bring that girl down. I don't believe in kicking people while they are down. I was just simply trying to state that if she wants to have a big wedding, her parents want to give her the wedding, that she can. All she needs to do is be honest to her family and call it a vow renewal.  I mean really, is it going to be a thorn on your side if she has the big wedding? Are you going to be any less happy? Who cares?

    Even if sweet 16 is bogus people still do it, it was just an example relax I wasn't saying it was the only thing. Every culture has different ceremonies.


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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_wedding-17-months-away-just-found-out-im-pregnant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4c6a501a-4d2a-4b16-bb79-c94ad75b9cd5Post:c9a1b788-aff2-43b2-b3aa-020dfd0f241d">Re: Wedding is 17 months away and just found out I'm pregnant</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just don't see why you guys needed to bring that girl down. I don't believe in kicking people while they are down. I was just simply trying to state that if she wants to have a big wedding, her parents want to give her the wedding, that she can. All she needs to do is be honest to her family and call it a vow renewal.  I mean really, is it going to be a thorn on your side if she has the big wedding? Are you going to be any less happy? Who cares? Even if sweet 16 is bogus people still do it, it was just an example relax I wasn't saying it was the only thing. Every culture has different ceremonies.
    Posted by Mioh1[/QUOTE]

    The only thing they're bringing her down to is reality.  She's already married.  That means she already had her wedding, even if it wasn't the one of her dreams.  Everyone here is simply pointing out that she's acting immature by 1) lying to her family about being married, and 2) allowing her family to spend gobs of money on a pretty princess day for her when she's already married and pouting that the baby might put a damper on things.

    This isn't about tradition.  It's about common decency and the OP is showing that she quite possibly doesn't have any.
    image

    Stop The Drama!

    image Love people. Use things. Never confuse the two.
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    quotequeenquotequeen member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_wedding-17-months-away-just-found-out-im-pregnant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:4c6a501a-4d2a-4b16-bb79-c94ad75b9cd5Post:c9a1b788-aff2-43b2-b3aa-020dfd0f241d">Re: Wedding is 17 months away and just found out I'm pregnant</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just don't see why you guys needed to bring that girl down. I don't believe in kicking people while they are down. I was just simply trying to state that if she wants to have a big wedding, <strong>her parents want to give her the wedding</strong>, that she can. All she needs to do is be honest to her family and call it a vow renewal.  I mean really, is it going to be a thorn on your side if she has the big wedding? Are you going to be any less happy? Who cares? Even if sweet 16 is bogus people still do it, it was just an example relax I wasn't saying it was the only thing. Every culture has different ceremonies.
    Posted by Mioh1[/QUOTE]

    Her parents want to give her the wedding because <em>they don't know she's already married</em>.  Because <em>she's lying to them</em>.  It's preposterous.
    Married 10/2/10
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    edited December 2011
    I'm not going to comment on whether or not I think the original poster is a good person or a horrible person.  Obviously this is a delicate situation for her and she's freaked out enough. 

    However, I feel that she should come forward and tell her family the truth about her secret marriage and the pregnancy.  Chances are, if they're super-attached to the concept of throwing her a proper wedding, they will throw the party anyway.  I haven't done anything like this, but if I had, my parents would probably be a little upset, but they would almost certainly have a 'proper'-looking wedding anyway.  It is a celebration of the couple no matter what. 

    But she should tell them the truth.  The rest is up to her family.
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    edited December 2011
    "However, I feel that she should come forward and tell her family the truth about her secret marriage and the pregnancy.  Chances are, if they're super-attached to the concept of throwing her a proper wedding, they will throw the party anyway.  I haven't done anything like this, but if I had, my parents would probably be a little upset, but they would almost certainly have a 'proper'-looking wedding anyway.  It is a celebration of the couple no matter what. 

    But she should tell them the truth.  The rest is up to her family."


    I completely agree with this statement.  Everything else was just judgemental chatter. 
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    snowbunniectsnowbunniect member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You can still have a wedding if you are already married. There is a difference between signatures on a paper and a public event to celebrate a relationship. I have a friend who secretly got married when her uninsured fiance broke his ankle so his treatment would be covered by her insurance. Marriage is not only about that one big party--it's about establishing a life together as well as a lot of mundane things like finances, taxes, and insurance. It also has a TON to do with family. It's hard to say what's best because you know best how your family will react. I went into debt for grad school because my mom said the money she has saved is strictly for my wedding. Some cultures/families place a lot of value on the ceremony itself and that's hard to go against. That being said, I truly believe if I got pregnant my mother's (along with my own) priorities would change and she would use the money for the baby. It sounds as if this web of secrets (I don't want to call them lies because they seem necessary for your social wellbeing) is getting more tangled, and it might be time to sit down as a family and have a serious discussion. At that point, it's your parents' money and decision. You can choose to go along with it, but declining such a generous gift could be considered rude or ungrateful and cause problems. I know it seems like a huge issue now, but think about the time in the future when it is all worked out and you have your child to focus on. Stress and family conflict is bad for the baby, even in the womb, so do your best to get everything worked out so you can focus on your health and happiness.
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    edited December 2011
     My FI little brother did the same thing so they could qualify for school grants and are not planning on telling anyone.
    The only reason that we found out is because our local paper publishes marriage liscenses.

    I am not going to tell their secret because it is not mine to tell and I will also be at their wedding in the future.

    My best friend is also pregnant and engaged to a millitary man... they are  doing a court house wedding when she goes to meet the family for the first time.

    Is their anyway that you could push the wedding up??  maybe have a smaller wedding that still resembles your dream day and you could still make your family happy and prepare for the baby.

    Good luck with your situation, just remember you are not alone with this and just need to figure out what works for you.
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    edited December 2011
    First I'd like to say I did not read ALL responses to this initial posting so my point may have been brought up.  I apologize if it has been. 

    I have a ton of friends in the military.  My best friend is an Army wife.  Often times, quick, unplanned weddings that are kept from family and friends are the norm.  Military life is stressful and most couples will do what it takes to stay together - even if that means hiding the marriage from the people that mean most to them.  In fact, this past fall I attended two BIG weddings for military couples who had been married for 6+ months before.  There were a few select people who knew about the initial vows - none of their families knew.

    Now, by far I'm not saying I think this is the best course of action by any means.  I'm just saying that this happens more frequently than some would believe.  The thread starters already married. Maybe the thread starter can coax her parents into ditching some of the more lavish ideas for something simpler.  Her situation is not too different than the girls who spend tens of thousands of dollars on extravagant weddings. Or those who have to have two or three dresses.  Or even those who have more than one wedding and reception. 

    Like I said - I do not necessarily agree with the thread starters approach to things.  However, that is what her and her husband decided was best for them at the time they did it.  She did not ask for you to pass judgement and tell her how selfish you think that she is. 
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    edited December 2011
    i seriously can't believe that people think that this is ok. it makes absolutely no difference if you're in the military or not (this seems to be a popular excuse to lie to family about your marital status). insurance isn't a reason for getting married in secret either. it's a horrible thing to do to your families and they will be pissed when they find out, and rightfully so. 

    mioh1 - before you try to make a point with incorrect information you really should do some research. white really only started to get worn by brides after queen victoria wed in 1840. and even she, the prudest of the prude, didn't say it had anything to do with virginity (in fact, blue was representative of virginity). that's something that popular culture has grabbed on to that has no basis in any fact. so your example is completely moot. and we're not "bringing her down" from anything. she needs a good does of reality to see that what she is doing is terrible to her family. 
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