Stressed Beyond Belief

pho888

I've been a healthy person my entire life but since being proposed to, I've been getting anxiety attacks and just came back from the doctor with a prescription for lorazepam.

This wedding is too much.  I wanted to elope; but how do you say no to a mother who looks you in the eye after your engagement and says, "Your brother will never marry.  We know neither of you are going to give us grandchildren.  Just. Give. Me. A. Wedding".  

I've tried to throw myself into planning a beautiful wedding in the hopes that this will all grow on me but clearly it's not, as evidenced by the ever increasing frequency of my panic attacks.  I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. 

My parents obsessively watch shows like Say Yes To The Dress, and when I took them dress shopping it was like I was letting them down.  I want something simple with no veil.  They hand me elaborate ballgowns and mermaid cuts and I can't hide my disgust, and in turn they can't either.  I feel like I'm robbing them of some perfect "ah-hah" teary dress moment that television has led them to believe exists. 

I don't want a wedding party and friends and family almost seem disappointed by this.  It is nothing personal; I just want to keep things small.  But I keep sensing some expectation on the part of certain people to be asked to be a part of a party that will not exist.

I have a "best woman", my closest and most long-time friend, and I do not want to trouble her and her busy schedule with nonsense wedding planning at this point.  I know I will have to ask her to take a couple of days off work closer to the wedding, for things like makeup and hair trials, and I want to put her out as little as possible.  She is a clotheshorse, the opposite of me, and I want her to pick her own dress - whatever colour, style, designer she damn well pleases.. her and my mother will be the only ones competing - and it's like I am denying her the experience of being a proper "maid of honour" by not forcing some hideous dress at an exhorbitant cost on her.  She is annoyed I don't ask her to help more with the wedding.  But I KNOW she is busy.. and I barely want to plan a wedding myself.. and I don't want to be that bride who asks far too much of her one and only wedding party member. 

I've quit alcohol because it does not help with my anxiety, and all my parents can say is, "You're planning a wedding at a WINERY and are quitting drinking.. well that's nice". Whenever I try to approach the subject with them of how stressed this is all making me, they just look at me like an ungrateful jerk.

Just needed to vent somewhere.. this is such an awful time of year, and I'm hoping once spring comes and more of the planning is behind me I will snap out of it.. but it's all so overwhelming at the moment.  

tawillers

Whoa.  This obviously isn't working for you.  What does your FI have to say about all of this?

If neither of you want a wedding, don't have a wedding.  If your parents want a wedding, let them throw a vow renewal for themselves.

You need to do what will make you and your FI happy (and healthy).  This doesn't sound like something you will eventually enjoy.

dharmabunny

Wow. Your mom must serve every meal with a steaming heap of guilt. If wedding planning is causing you this much emotional distress, then maybe its time to do only what you and your FI want, and leave your mothers/family/friends' projections and expectations splattered on the floor where they belong. Zero apologies to anyone.

Wzz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_stressed-beyond-belief-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:533303bd-a48b-47ef-87fe-88e17838a43aPost:18b1c236-e12a-42d9-b327-0d907861a16f">Stressed Beyond Belief</a>:
[QUOTE]I've been a healthy person my entire life but since being proposed to,<strong> I've been getting anxiety attacks and just came back from the doctor with a prescription for lorazepam.

This wedding is too much.  I wanted to elope; but how do you say no to a mother who looks you in the eye after your engagement and says, "Your brother will never marry.  We know neither of you are going to give us grandchildren.  Just. Give. Me. A. Wedding</strong>".  

I've tried to throw myself into planning a beautiful wedding in the hopes that this will all grow on me but clearly it's not, as evidenced by the ever increasing frequency of my panic attacks.  I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. 

My parents obsessively watch shows like Say Yes To The Dress, and when I took them dress shopping it was like I was letting them down.  I want something simple with no veil.  They hand me elaborate ballgowns and mermaid cuts and I can't hide my disgust, and in turn they can't either.  I feel like I'm robbing them of some perfect "ah-hah" teary dress moment that television has led them to believe exists. 

I don't want a wedding party and friends and family almost seem disappointed by this.  It is nothing personal; I just want to keep things small.  But I keep sensing some expectation on the part of certain people to be asked to be a part of a party that will not exist.

I have a "best woman", my closest and most long-time friend, and I do not want to trouble her and her busy schedule with nonsense wedding planning at this point.  I know I will have to ask her to take a couple of days off work closer to the wedding, for things like makeup and hair trials, and I want to put her out as little as possible.  She is a clotheshorse, the opposite of me, and I want her to pick her own dress - whatever colour, style, designer she damn well pleases.. her and my mother will be the only ones competing - and it's like I am denying her the experience of being a proper "maid of honour" by not forcing some hideous dress at an exhorbitant cost on her.  She is annoyed I don't ask her to help more with the wedding.  But I KNOW she is busy.. and I barely want to plan a wedding myself.. and I don't want to be that bride who asks far too much of her one and only wedding party member. 

<strong>I've quit alcohol because it does not help with my anxiety, and all my parents can say is, "You're planning a wedding at a WINERY and are quitting drinking.. well that's nice". Whenever I try to approach the subject with them of how stressed this is all making me, they just look at me like an ungrateful jerk</strong>.

Just needed to vent somewhere.. this is such an awful time of year, and I'm hoping once spring comes and more of the planning is behind me I will snap out of it.. but it's all so overwhelming at the moment.  
Posted by pho888[/QUOTE]


your mom is a real see-you-next-tuesday if you've told her that your doctor has prescribed anxiety medication for you and she still expects you to host a full blown wedding.

i would tell mom to throw herself a vow renewal if she is so obsessed with weddings, and then go and have the wedding my FI and I would be comfortable with. i don't get what the wedding extravaganza has to do with having grandchildren.

why are they making you seem ungrateful? have they offered to pay for a wedding? you know, a gift isn't a gift if you don't want it and will not be happy with it. it's okay to turn it down if it's a burden.

AuntFlo

I didn't read past your second paragraph.  If having a wedding has led you to taking a medication that you didn't previously need - then don't have a wedding!!!   

Are you seeing any kind of counselor for your panic attacks and anxiety?   Did you get your prescription from your family doctor or an actual mental health professional?

I don't want to scare you, but meds like lorazepam - if not monitored well by a mental health professional - can f--k you up.  I speak from personal experience.

pho888

He is very concerned about the toll this is all taking on me and has graciously taken on many of the duties I find less fun.  We both wanted to elope, but I am very close with my family and the idea of a SMALL wedding grew quickly on both of us.  The thought of having only our closest friends and family at a winery for a small ceremony and some great food and drinks and dancing all seemed like such a nice idea until the planning had to begin.  Neither of us realized how fast these things could grow out of proportion. 

You know, you go into it thinking it'll be small, but then you're spending all this money on stuff and it suddenly becomes, "Well, if we're doing it anyway, we might as well do it right", and before you know it, the whole day is completely unrecognizable from where it started. 

Things definitely need to be reigned in; expectations of family managed.  I am just such a people pleaser that the idea of disappointing anyone, especially my parents, is adding onto the stress tenfold.

TheMrsC23

With parents like yours, who needs enemies? 

I'm sorry you're in this situation.  I think Wzz has given great advice. 

Are you in counseling or just taking meds?  Maybe you should pursue counseling so you can get a grip on how to handle your relationship with your parents without driving yourself to taking pills or drinking.   That's not healthy for you. 

It's easy for us on a message board to throw a suggestion like this out there because we're not in your situation, but if you can muster it, I'd cancel the wedding.  Go elope like you want to.  A wedding you do not even want should not take so much from you and put you in a position where you need a pill to get through. 

Best of luck to you.  Come and update us if and when you can. 

GBCK

time to disaapoint them w/ apomb.

At this point, you are making decisions about what is best for your family--and by your family, I mean you and your FI, NOT your 'family of origin'.

Think of it this way, every time you say 'yes' to your parents and, in turn, make yourself miserable, you are also making your FI miserable, by extension.

So...make the choices for the 2 of you, and...get yourself some family therapy in the meantime; growing up w/ that much pressure to please does hard things to people.

pho888

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_stressed-beyond-belief-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:533303bd-a48b-47ef-87fe-88e17838a43aPost:488eb0a8-368a-4c56-899d-2c9eceab1149">Re: Stressed Beyond Belief</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't read past your second paragraph.  If having a wedding has led you to taking a medication that you didn't previously need - then don't have a wedding!!!    Are you seeing any kind of counselor for your panic attacks and anxiety?   Did you get your prescription from your family doctor or an actual mental health professional? I don't want to scare you, but meds like lorazepam - if not monitored well by a mental health professional - can f--k you up.  I speak from personal experience.
Posted by AuntFlo[/QUOTE]

<div>I saw a walk-in clinic doctor who gave me the lorazepam.  All sorts of blood/urine/heart tests were done and nothing was found, so he said if I feel better after the lorazepam it's most likely all in my head.  I don't intend on taking them; I'm doing things like breathing exercises, restorative yoga, quitting the alcohol, etc to try and calm myself down.  From the brief reading I've done on the meds, I'm not about to go messing with them.  And I appreciate your concern.  </div><div>
</div><div>It's also, like I said in my original post, just the time of year - tend to get very "down" in the wintertime.  So all these things piling on top of each other is just overwhelming, but I'm trying to get through it without meds.</div>

AuntFlo

Walk-in clinic doctors should not be allowed to prescribe antidepressents or anti-anxiety drugs.   Anxiety is a real thing that medication CAN help - but only under the watchful eye of a physician or licensed counselor.

That is all.

dharmabunny

In Response to Re:Stressed Beyond Belief:[QUOTE]Walkin clinic doctors should not be allowed to prescribe antidepressents or antianxiety drugs. nbsp; Anxiety is a real thing that medication CAN help but only under the watchful eye of a physician or licensed counselor.That is all. Posted by AuntFlo[/QUOTE]

Word to that!

pho888

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_stressed-beyond-belief-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:533303bd-a48b-47ef-87fe-88e17838a43aPost:64943e32-e281-48de-8afc-1c5c15a4a896">Re: Stressed Beyond Belief</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Stressed Beyond Belief : your mom is a real see-you-next-tuesday if you've told her that your doctor has prescribed anxiety medication for you and she still expects you to host a full blown wedding. i would tell mom to throw herself a vow renewal if she is so obsessed with weddings, and then go and have the wedding my FI and I would be comfortable with. i don't get what the wedding extravaganza has to do with having grandchildren. why are they making you seem ungrateful? have they offered to pay for a wedding? you know, a gift isn't a gift if you don't want it and will not be happy with it. it's okay to turn it down if it's a burden.
Posted by Wzz[/QUOTE]

<div>Yes, they are paying for it.  I would not have a wedding anywhere near this proportion if they weren't - it's just not an amount of money I'm comfortable spending on a party.  Probably another thing going on in the back of my head causing lots of fun stress.  I'm not even spending half of my mother's offered budget.</div><div>
</div><div>I don't even have an engagement ring; my FI and I have been together 10 years.. we live together..our lives are established and happy and spending X amount on a ring symbolizing my promise to marry him seemed silly for us.  </div><div>
</div><div>(and not sure what the grandchildren thing really meant.. I guess as parents you just kind of assume your kids are going to hit milestones in their lives.. graduations, marriages, children.. and they get to share in those.  My mom's friends are all attending their children's weddings, baby showers, etc.. and I guess it's natural to feel left out)</div>

pho888

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_stressed-beyond-belief-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:533303bd-a48b-47ef-87fe-88e17838a43aPost:5664a11f-f5a6-430e-8f9a-3f7199612aaa">Re: Stressed Beyond Belief</a>:
[QUOTE]With parents like yours, who needs enemies?  :( I'm sorry you're in this situation.  I think Wzz has given great advice.  Are you in counseling or just taking meds?  Maybe you should pursue counseling so you can get a grip on how to handle your relationship with your parents without driving yourself to taking pills or drinking.   That's not healthy for you.  It's easy for us on a message board to throw a suggestion like this out there because we're not in your situation, but if you can muster it, I'd cancel the wedding.  Go elope like you want to.  A wedding you do not even want should not take so much from you and put you in a position where you need a pill to get through.  Best of luck to you.  Come and update us if and when you can. 
Posted by TheMrsC23[/QUOTE]

<div>No counselling, and I'm not actually taking the meds; I was just prescribed them (like, 5 of them, actually.. not a full blown prescription; not that I know how many lorazepam usually get doled out to people).  </div><div>
</div><div>And I didn't mean to say my parents are making me drink.. I'm not even a big drinker.  I do love a nice glass of wine every now and again, but I figure anything I can cut out of my diet that may be causing my anxiety to be worse than it is, I should just nix for the time being.</div><div>
</div><div>So I have to deal with the anxiety of continuing to plan this wedding or the anxiety at the thought of cancelling this and eloping ;)  lol.. what a mess!</div><div>
</div><div>Thanks for reading/replying/caring.. wow this was my first post and lots of support around here.  </div>

Wzz

yes, i totally agree with AF. even if you didn't take the medication, someone with a medical degree saw something in you that needs attention. you should follow up with your primary care doctor, and perhaps a therapist to just talk about your stress.

pho888

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_stressed-beyond-belief-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:533303bd-a48b-47ef-87fe-88e17838a43aPost:3800e823-dde9-46bd-9bc7-5fd219cb52ff">Re:Stressed Beyond Belief</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. Your mom must serve every meal with a steaming heap of guilt. If wedding planning is causing you this much emotional distress, then maybe its time to do only what you and your FI want, and leave your mothers/family/friends' projections and expectations splattered on the floor where they belong. Zero apologies to anyone.
Posted by dharmabunny[/QUOTE]

<div>If only my mother ever cooked! ;)  (...ah, sorry mom)</div><div>
</div><div>Sometimes I think I'm just being a brat, wanting to do a wedding entirely Our Way.  Sacrifices have to be made, right?  Our guestlist is definitely nowhere near where people want it to be.. my dress is simple and my mom feels forced to turn down the volume on her dream outfit.. our venue is "weird" in the eyes of anyone I've talked to about it.. you just reach a point where you're exhausted and can't fight for some stuff anymore. </div>

Wzz

last thing i have to say....everyone here gave sound advice.

but i keep reading your replies, and it's almost like you're making excuses for your parents, making it seem like the medication is no big deal....making it seem like it wasn't that big of a wedding anyway....

in the end, if it's not what you and your FI want, no matter what you're stressing about, then don;t go through with it. making excuses for everyone around you is only going to put you in a position that you're probably not going to be happy with. if all of the excuses make up for their bad behavior, then why bother complaining if it's not a big deal, right?

pho888

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_stressed-beyond-belief-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:533303bd-a48b-47ef-87fe-88e17838a43aPost:54b0b92a-0e6e-4945-924d-4a8d0ed722c9">Re: Stressed Beyond Belief</a>:
[QUOTE]last thing i have to say....everyone here gave sound advice. but i keep reading your replies, and it's almost like you're making excuses for your parents, making it seem like the medication is no big deal....making it seem like it wasn't that big of a wedding anyway.... in the end, if it's not what you and your FI want, no matter what you're stressing about, then don;t go through with it. making excuses for everyone around you is only going to put you in a position that you're probably not going to be happy with. if all of the excuses make up for their bad behavior, then why bother complaining if it's not a big deal, right?
Posted by Wzz[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm pretty classic for the excuse making; you're spot on.  I don't think backing out of this wedding is a viable option.. I will definitely not be happy having to see so many disappointed faces (and bank accounts).  </div><div>
</div><div>Guess I'm just trying to vent a little in the hopes of releasing some of this stress.  Figuring out how the hell I got here in the first place.  Little online talk therapy, right.  </div>

GBCK

listen to wzz.

And...do see someone.

If either you or your FI has an EAP through work, (employee assistance plan.  Places like helpnet that you'll find in your benefit's package), they're an awesome place to start.

Toxic family members (and, honestly, someone who has this much control over your life is likely to be toxic) have a way of having their issues seep into your consciousness and gaslight you so you don't realize HOW bad it is until you're away from it/out of it/talking to a neutral 3rd party.

(and stop for a moment...if this was, say, an anniversary party, not a wedding.  And this was a husband, not a parent....and your BFF was telling you this story about her life, what would your advice be?  would it be "holy shittake mushrooms, this person is an abusive ass, run run run run run?"  Ponder that a moment)