Wedding Woes

Parent Problems

Hi Guys and Gals,

This is kind of a vent post... Feel free to comment if you'd like. 

I have a father and a mother, but like a lot of American families, they're no longer married.  They divorced when I was 8, and I lived with my father.  I adore my mother and she has a wonderful new husband who has been like a father to me.  No worries there. 

My father and I, however, rarely speak, have a rocky history at best, and well, he's married to the only person in the world that I hate.  I grew up under my father's roof, and she was there.  To save time, I'll sum it up with: Grownig up, this woman made me feel as though I'd never be happy, never get married, never be sucessful, and should really just off myself and get it over and done with - that the world would be better off without me.  

I moved out of that house 3 days after I turned 18, and never looked back.  Now, at 25, this woman can still get to me psycologically. I'm freaking out about my brother's wedding (silently, of course) because she will be there - this is 2 months from now.  I've been having dreams every night about it - and I'm not necessarily focused on it during the day.  It's just my subconceous.

But at MY wedding next year, she 's not going to be invited.  I am waiting to tell my father this until after my brother's wedding - I don't want to ruin anything.  I am apprehensive to tell my father that his wife is not invited, because I know that he may not come to the wedding if that's the case. 

I'm okay with that.... So why am I feeling guilty about it?  Is it really so horrible not to invite someone you HATE to your wedding?  I mean, with the way she treated me growing up, why should I include her at my most intimate, vunerable moment?  I have tons of reasons not to invite her... So why am I feeling bad about it?  Because it's not proper?  Argh.

Thanks for letting me vent here!

-Jess 

Re: Parent Problems

  • loveshine1loveshine1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    You can choose to invite who you wish, but as you said, you need to be ready for this to cause a major rift in your relationship with your father.


    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • LnR70707LnR70707 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    It sounds like you may need counseling to help work through your feelings about her.
    br>imageimage
    IF/Baby Blog
    2 years, 2 surgeries, 2 clomid fails, 2 IUIs, 1 loss, IVF #1 - 10/25/10 = BFP!
    TTC #2 - 6/12 surgery #3, FET #1 & 1.2 = BFN, 12/2012 FET #2 = BFP!
    Lilypie Premature Baby tickersLilypie First Birthday tickers


    I can't wait for the "im getting a divorce" post in 5 years or so because your husbands were fed up with your disgusting chair asses from playing on the knot all day and getting fired 4-5 times for not doing any work. you guys are all winners!! ~ Laur929
  • aneislisaneislis member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011

    I've had some, thanks.  :)

  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    i cannot really relate to this because i don't have american parents, so my parents are still married to each other.

    however, if you are not inviting your stepmonster, you are not inviting your father.  fyi.  and be prepared for your relationship with him to change.

    your weddig is your most intimate, vulnerable moment?  exactly what kind of wedding is this?  because it sounds DIRTY.
    image
  • Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You can't not invite her and invite him. Be prepared to separate your family with this move.

    I understand awful step mothers, I had one, years ago.

    Also: The best revenge is a life well lived.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • aneislisaneislis member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    @ Butter Cookie:

    "Also: The best revenge is a life well lived"

    I like that.  :)  Thanks!
  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Ditto BC:  you can't really invite half of a couple.  You have to choose both, or neither.

    I'm just curious:  if she was so horrible and you got along so well with your mom, why didn't you go live with her?
  • edited December 2011

    My father isn't American, so I guess I can't help you.

    "I would be sad if sex was only about the climax, lame." Someone who is obviously doing it wrong
    Photobucket
  • aneislisaneislis member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011

    @Heffalump:
    Because of my step-mother's way with us kids, my brother (he's older, btw) left my father's house to go live with my mother... She has such a grasp on him that he had tried suicide a few times, and he just needed to get out.  The fact that he left really crushed my father.  I promised him I wouldn't leave until I was 18.  And I'm a girl of my word.

  • SchmoopitaSchmoopita member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    So your father allowed this woman to mentally and emotionally abuse his daughter? I wouldn't invite either of them nor would I have a relationship. If your relationship is rocky at best, I wouldn't worry about it. Does the rest of the family know about what happened? If they do, they shouldn't have a problem with it either.
  • aneislisaneislis member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    HookaPants
    Okay, thanks anyway!  :)
  • Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm all WTF @ your dad not leaving that psycho. I mean, I wouldn't let anybody hurt my children time and time again.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_parent-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:53d51075-d976-4951-bd96-62ea01e3dfdfPost:9d7cee18-628d-4c22-b13b-c3ab173418ff">Re: Parent Problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]@Heffalump: Because of my step-mother's way with us kids, my brother (he's older, btw) left my father's house to go live with my mother... <strong>She has such a grasp on him that he had tried suicide a few times</strong>, and he just needed to get out.  The fact that he left really crushed my father.  <strong>I promised him I wouldn't leave until I was 18.</strong>  And I'm a girl of my word.
    Posted by aneislis[/QUOTE]

    So...your father put his own desires ahead of his children's well-being?

    I'm not trying to be difficult, it's just that something isn't right here.
  • **O-Face****O-Face** member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 25 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    It's all or nothing.  Sorry, that's the only answer you'll get from me.
    image
  • aneislisaneislis member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    @Schmoopita:
    Yes, my mother's side of the family knows all about it.  They don't have a problem with not inviting her at all.  They're really understanding, and would be fine as well if my father did not attend.  I know it sounds silly, but I don't know why I feel so guilty about it. 
  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    my parents ARE American, and they've been married for almost 31 years, so I'm not familiar with step-drama. 

    like the other said, you can invite who you want, but be prepared to permanently damage your relationship with your dad. and I agree that you should be in therapy for this - even if you have spoken with someone before, it sounds like it is still having a severe impact on you. 
  • aneislisaneislis member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_parent-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:53d51075-d976-4951-bd96-62ea01e3dfdfPost:542a418b-7dd4-48b7-a065-fc7e1eabe70a">Re: Parent Problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Parent Problems : So...your father put his own desires ahead of his children's well-being? I'm not trying to be difficult, it's just that something isn't right here.
    Posted by Heffalump[/QUOTE]

    There's a lot that isn't right... You're not being difficult at all. I appreciate your honest answers and insight.  Yeah, dad's a little f*d up, lol.  He put a lot of pressure on me - undue pressure - as a kid.  I just didn't want anything bad to happen to him.  As unstable as he was at the time, you know?  Not my job as a kid, but I did what I had to do.  He knows how I feel about his wife, so not inviting her would probably not come as a suprise.  However, it isn't "proper". 
  • aneislisaneislis member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_parent-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:53d51075-d976-4951-bd96-62ea01e3dfdfPost:c84563e7-c987-45bb-b778-c5205c5c1550">Re: Parent Problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]my parents ARE American, and they've been married for almost 31 years, so I'm not familiar with step-drama.  like the other said, you can invite who you want, but be prepared to permanently damage your relationship with your dad. and I agree that you should be in therapy for this - even if you have spoken with someone before, it sounds like it is still having a severe impact on you. 
    Posted by *Barbie*[/QUOTE]

    That's why I posted "a lot" of American families, rather than "most".  Congrats on being one of the lucky ones!  :)

    I agree on the counceling - I just finally got full time insurance with my job, so like a lot of Americans, now I can go!  :)
  • aneislisaneislis member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_parent-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:53d51075-d976-4951-bd96-62ea01e3dfdfPost:c3ef8835-0462-45d8-8c7d-24726f831752">Re: Parent Problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm all WTF @ your dad not leaving that psycho. I mean, I wouldn't let anybody hurt my children time and time again.
    Posted by Butter Cookie[/QUOTE]

    You and me, both!  Thanks again for your responses.  :)
  • aneislisaneislis member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_parent-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:53d51075-d976-4951-bd96-62ea01e3dfdfPost:1d12c135-eb68-4afd-b458-cae8d603f8ca">Re: Parent Problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]It's all or nothing.  Sorry, that's the only answer you'll get from me.
    Posted by **O-Face**[/QUOTE]
    Your feelings about it are shared by many.  Thank you very much for your help! :)
  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_parent-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:53d51075-d976-4951-bd96-62ea01e3dfdfPost:0e140ae1-9f20-45f5-a76d-1a93d3c7c50e">Parent Problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]Grownig up, this woman made me feel as though I'd never be happy, never get married, never be sucessful, and should really just off myself and get it over and done with - that the world would be better off without me.   I moved out of that house 3 days after I turned 18, and never looked back.  Now, at 25, this woman can still get to me psycologically. 
    Posted by aneislis[/QUOTE]

    <div>Aw, she's just like a real mom! </personal reminiscences></div><div>
    </div><div>Are you prepared to have to cut ties with your father? Because that's what will happen if you fail to invite his wife. If you're okay with that, then full steam ahead; but if you're not, perhaps you should learn to be coolly polite and dismissive of anything she says to you, so you can deal with having her there for the sake of your dad. </div>
    image
  • awesome-sauceawesome-sauce member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    If it were me? I wouldn't invite step-monster and sperm-donor, if there was that much mental (and physical?) abuse.

    But i'm not you. So, is it more important to do what you think "proper" is? Or is it more important for you to be surrounded by the ones you love, and the ones that love you back.

    I doubt Ms. Manners would say inviting abusive people to your wedding is "proper".
    .
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards