I'm completely freaking out. Like loosing my mind freaking out. Help!

pregali80

I am seriously reconsidering if I should me married- my wedding is next weekend and I am seeing ALL the problems we have, rising to the surface. He is under serious pressure at work and our money problems have gotten worse (but the wedding is paid for). He's becoming more rude and disrespectful to me and fails to see it when I point it out. I have some self worth and feel I shouldn't be with some one who is going to cut me down, let alone in the middle of the mall.

We took some time alone last night and he was gentler today, but when I tried to join him in the shower for some makeup sex (another problem, mismatched sex drives) he just stared at me and I felt so self consious. Then our 2 year old cried, so that was over. A weird crazy feeling is growing in me, and I'm not happy. While he got ready to go to work I told him I think we need a separation. Cause I don't know what I'm doing anymore, and I feel nuts inside. He just said fine, he has to go to work. 

I'll be staying at my moms over the next couple of days and our son will be with me. I still have so many little wedding things to do, like finsih the archway, favors, my veil, etc. I have no desire to work on these things. 

Is anyone else going through anything like this? Can we be saved? We aren't communicating well and I'm afraid of things going really bad. Is this just pre wedding crazy jitters?

*Barbie*

is it possible to postpone the wedding, and go get some counseling?

the two of you have a kid to consider - and whether or not you're married, you want to give your child the best life possible.

you may want to take a step back and evaluate if you really want to be with this guy. you'll face many stressful situations during your married life, and no matter how bad, it doesn't give him license to treat you poorly.

TheDuckis

It's probably a combination of pre-wedding jitters and the fact that you don't have the greatest relationship to start with. Thing is, regardless of whether you marry each other, you're stuck co-parenting for the rest of your lives. So you need to figure out the communication problems. Money problems and job stress are enough to make anyone short with each other, so I don't necessarily think that's a deal breaker, but he does have to get better at realizing when he's being a jerk.

Either put off the wedding until you can get some counseling, or find a counselor who will meet with you immediately to address the major issues. I don't think leaving for a few days is a great idea this close to the wedding.

ReturnOfKuus

I think there's something in the two year old and just now getting married thing.  How did the two of you end up having a kid together, but not being ready to get married for another two years?  Do you think you'd still be together if it weren't for the child?  Would you be getting married if you didn't feel locked in anyway?

pregali80

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-completely-freaking-out-like-loosing-mind-freaking-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:595763a7-2528-40a7-8196-91819151066fPost:3ef8d8f1-c738-42e0-8361-c2e43a57df2c">Re: I'm completely freaking out. Like loosing my mind freaking out. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I think there's something in the two year old and just now getting married thing.  How did the two of you end up having a kid together, but not being ready to get married for another two years?  Do you think you'd still be together if it weren't for the child?  Would you be getting married if you didn't feel locked in anyway?
Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

<div>We decided to have a kid, and got pregant right away. When our son was 3 months old, daddy freaked from the sudden responsibilty and broke up with me. We stayed apart but co-parented amazingly well for over a year. Over that time we worked through a lot of the issues we had. We were still in love with eachother, so right before Valentines Day he proposed. I said yes right away. I felt like we were secure, and could fix any little bumps in the road. So far we have. I have been a single mom and know I can handle that again if I need to, so I don't really feel locked in. You choose to be married. I chose to say yes. Now, I'm starting to doubt and he thinks I'm needlessly worrying.</div>

pregali80

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-completely-freaking-out-like-loosing-mind-freaking-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:595763a7-2528-40a7-8196-91819151066fPost:123b8531-65ec-4e2b-9478-99c63a7f9aeb">Re: I'm completely freaking out. Like loosing my mind freaking out. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]is it possible to postpone the wedding, and go get some counseling? the two of you have a kid to consider - and whether or not you're married, you want to give your child the best life possible. you may want to take a step back and evaluate if you really want to be with this guy. you'll face many stressful situations during your married life, and no matter how bad, it doesn't give him license to treat you poorly.
Posted by *Barbie*[/QUOTE]

<div>Thank you! Bad situations don't mean you get to power trip and treat someone you are in love with like crap. Even though I've done this too...</div>

ReturnOfKuus

Okay, but why did you decide to have a kid, something that irreversibly ties you together, before deciding to get married?  That's a big lapse in judgment that you need to look into.

And be honest - would you really date a guy who flaked out on you after you had his kid if you didn't have to be around him to coparent anyway?  If so, this is another lapse in judgment that you need to look into.

Overall, thumbs down to getting married to this guy right now.

pregali80

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-completely-freaking-out-like-loosing-mind-freaking-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:595763a7-2528-40a7-8196-91819151066fPost:09717b17-8c91-4ee6-8a89-66b2e1d4f1f1">Re: I'm completely freaking out. Like loosing my mind freaking out. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, but why did you decide to have a kid, something that irreversibly ties you together, before deciding to get married?  That's a big lapse in judgment that you need to look into. And be honest - would you really date a guy who flaked out on you after you had his kid if you didn't have to be around him to coparent anyway?  If so, this is another lapse in judgment that you need to look into. Overall, thumbs down to getting married to this guy right now.
Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

<div>I disagree that it is a lapse of judgement about deciding to have a child before marriage. At the time we were working toward marriage. It happens with many many couples. Just because you have a kid before marriage does not mean you are doomed to fail.</div><div>
</div><div>As I also said, we worked on issues over the course of a year, and that time apart, and things were amazing! He is a fantasic dad. I will not stand for that to come under fire. I will say that if we act up in front of our kid, then that is uncalled for and we should re-evaluate the relationship. </div><div>
</div><div>He offered for us to go to counseling. I think I will take him up on it.</div>

TheDuckis

I am pretty sure that actively conceiving a child and then deciding 3 months after it's born that you can't take the responsibility is the definition of a lapse in judgement. As is actively conceiving a child with a man who would do that. A fantastic dad doesn't leave the mother of his child when the child is a newborn.

I get the whole "the baby is my world, I wouldn't trade him for anything" deal, but you need to recognize--and own--the fact that you made some abominable choices in the last 3 years. 

pregali80

Well thanks for the crapload of advice and turning my choices into personality attacks. Thumbs up to you guys.

pregali80

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-completely-freaking-out-like-loosing-mind-freaking-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:595763a7-2528-40a7-8196-91819151066fPost:7b84ad04-cb5e-49e5-adeb-4095758679ab">Re: I'm completely freaking out. Like loosing my mind freaking out. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am pretty sure that actively conceiving a child and then deciding 3 months after it's born that you can't take the responsibility is the definition of a lapse in judgement. As is actively conceiving a child with a man who would do that. A fantastic dad doesn't leave the mother of his child when the child is a newborn. I get the whole "the baby is my world, I wouldn't trade him for anything" deal, but you need to recognize--and own--the fact that you made some abominable choices in the last 3 years. 
Posted by TheDuckis[/QUOTE]

<div>NO ONE plans to have a kid with a guy who might bail. I never saw it coming, It was a $hitty situation and I hope you would never have to deal with it. However, he grew up and pulled his head out of his butt. Regardless of our situation, he was there every day for his child and pulled his weight financilally.</div><div>
</div><div>Can people change? Does forgiveness exist? YES. Do I still love him? Yah, and I guess I'll just be making more bad decisions</div>

ReturnOfKuus

My point is this: if you weren't sure enough about each other to get married, right then, how were you sure enough to have a kid together?  One is a helluva lot more permanent than the other.  Hint: it's not marriage.

TheDuckis

Go back and read what you've written. He's mean and disrespectful to you and refuses to acknowledge it. He. Left. You. With. A. 3. Month. Old.

And yet, you say the reason he left is because he freaked at the responsibility of having a child, but in the next breath you say you co-parented perfectly, he was there for the kid every day and took financial responsibility. So what was there to freak out and leave over? Methinks he just wasn't that into you. He apparently still isn't.

If co-parenting with him is so great when you're not together, by all means go back to doing that. The priority should be the kid, and it sounds like he'd be better off with two parents who can handle each other apart than married parents who don't get along. Why would you insist on forcing a relationship with someone who--even if he is a good father--is a horrible partner to you?

*Barbie*

i don't agree with the decisions that you made in terms of having a kid out of wedlock, and getting back together with the guy who walked out on you and the kid - but those were your choices to make.

i would say that no matter what, if you decide to move ahead with your relationship (in marriage or not), you and your FI should go see a counselor. an impartial 3rd party can offer a lot of perspective, and help *both* of you get your heads out of your asses.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-completely-freaking-out-like-loosing-mind-freaking-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:595763a7-2528-40a7-8196-91819151066fPost:d770eda5-6609-42b6-8427-2839a0db2960">Re: I'm completely freaking out. Like loosing my mind freaking out. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]My point is this: if you weren't sure enough about each other to get married, right then, how were you sure enough to have a kid together?  One is a helluva lot more permanent than the other.  Hint: it's not marriage.
Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]
::golf claps::

mrsconn23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-completely-freaking-out-like-loosing-mind-freaking-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:595763a7-2528-40a7-8196-91819151066fPost:d770eda5-6609-42b6-8427-2839a0db2960">Re: I'm completely freaking out. Like loosing my mind freaking out. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]My point is this: if you weren't sure enough about each other to get married, right then, how were you sure enough to have a kid together?  One is a helluva lot more permanent than the other.  Hint: it's not marriage.
Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]
I'm with her.

theluckyharts

These ladies are not personal attacking you. They are giving you honest advice about your situation. I hope that someone in your life did the same with you planned a pregnancy outside of marriage, then after he broke up with you for a year accepted his proposal. Your choices, I would not wish them on anyone. To conceive a kid before getting all the facts on the father, like if he truly is ready for a kid, is heartbreaking to me. The reason why is for every couple that has a planned kid and then gets married happily ever after, there are at least four couples that had a planned kid first and then the relationship fell apart. You have to fall on the sword that thinking "Well we are towards marriage so lets just skip to babies." is bad decision making. It adds insult to injury when he leaves you when your kid is only three months old. No matter how good he parents after that, doing that is unforgivable and he needs to own up to that before he can be a changed man.

I personally think your body is telling you something you have been ignoring. And that is the issues that he caused two years ago didn't just go away with time or just talking it out. It takes lots of difficult counseling and effort. Has he done his part? If not postone the wedding until he does.

GBCK

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-completely-freaking-out-like-loosing-mind-freaking-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:595763a7-2528-40a7-8196-91819151066fPost:48c9934b-34b2-4fe3-b0c0-617b28c02b60">Re: I'm completely freaking out. Like loosing my mind freaking out. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm completely freaking out. Like loosing my mind freaking out. Help! : NO ONE plans to have a kid with a guy who might bail. I never saw it coming, It was a $hitty situation and I hope you would never have to deal with it. However, he grew up and pulled his head out of his butt. Regardless of our situation, he was there every day for his child and pulled his weight financilally. Can people change? Does forgiveness exist? YES. Do I still love him? Yah, and I guess I'll just be making more bad decisions
Posted by pregali80[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Take him up on the counsling, definately.</div><div>
</div><div>But this here?</div><div>Yeah, if you don't own up and take soem responsiblilty for the crap in your life, you'll always have a ton of crap -- and it will be your fault.</div><div>
</div><div>There have been a few tings that have made me think hard about being married to my husband.  HARD.</div><div>EVERY one of those was something I felt blindsided by.  Ya know what?  I shouldn't hav been blindsided.  He has his faults and I have mine--there is a flaw in ME if I am not observant enough to notice that my husband might run away when I have a baby.  There's a flaw in me if I'm continually around someone who belittles me.  There's a flaw in me if I"m turning a blind eye to *insert real life situation for me here*.</div><div>
</div><div>Those flaws in me had to be addressed too.</div><div>If you're with someone who belittles you, runs away and leaves you witha  child (who he co-parents and supports...but still runs away.  Not sure which version is 'truth' here), and who is the wrong person to marry, that sucks--so grow a spine, take a deep breath and think about why you're screwed up enough to be w/ someone who treats you that way.

</div>

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-completely-freaking-out-like-loosing-mind-freaking-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:595763a7-2528-40a7-8196-91819151066fPost:d67734ba-efc0-4bd5-828b-7073815219ba">I'm completely freaking out. Like loosing my mind freaking out. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am seriously reconsidering if I should me married- my wedding is next weekend and I am seeing ALL the problems we have, rising to the surface. He is under serious pressure at work and our money problems have gotten worse (but the wedding is paid for). He's becoming more rude and disrespectful to me and fails to see it when I point it out. I have some self worth and feel I shouldn't be with some one who is going to cut me down, let alone in the middle of the mall. We took some time alone last night and he was gentler today, but when I tried to join him in the shower for some makeup sex (another problem, mismatched sex drives) he just stared at me and I felt so self consious. Then our 2 year old cried, so that was over. A weird crazy feeling is growing in me, and I'm not happy. While he got ready to go to work I told him I think we need a separation. Cause I don't know what I'm doing anymore, and I feel nuts inside. He just said fine, he has to go to work.  I'll be staying at my moms over the next couple of days and our son will be with me. I still have so many little wedding things to do, like finsih the archway, favors, my veil, etc. I have no desire to work on these things.  Is anyone else going through anything like this? Can we be saved? We aren't communicating well and I'm afraid of things going really bad. Is this just pre wedding crazy jitters?
Posted by pregali80[/QUOTE]

Don't worry, it's a well-known fact that a wedding ring will solve all of your problems.

EngineerAaron

I don't think anyone is attacking you.  If anything, everything that's been said just validates your unease as the wedding date approaches.  You already had the right idea by wanting to separate and give it more time.  These are not healthy pre-wedding jitters, if there is such a thing.  It's you screaming at yourself to not make a potentially huge mistake.

Soon2BSand

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-completely-freaking-out-like-loosing-mind-freaking-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:595763a7-2528-40a7-8196-91819151066fPost:d67734ba-efc0-4bd5-828b-7073815219ba">I'm completely freaking out. Like loosing my mind freaking out. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am seriously reconsidering if I should me married- my wedding is next weekend and I am seeing ALL the problems we have, rising to the surface. He is under serious pressure at work and our money problems have gotten worse (but the wedding is paid for). He's becoming more rude and disrespectful to me and fails to see it when I point it out. I have some self worth and feel I shouldn't be with some one who is going to cut me down, let alone in the middle of the mall. We took some time alone last night and he was gentler today, but when I tried to join him in the shower for some makeup sex (another problem, mismatched sex drives) he just stared at me and I felt so self consious. Then our 2 year old cried, so that was over. A weird crazy feeling is growing in me, and I'm not happy. While he got ready to go to work I told him I think we need a separation. Cause I don't know what I'm doing anymore, and I feel nuts inside. He just said fine, he has to go to work.  I'll be staying at my moms over the next couple of days and our son will be with me. I still have so many little wedding things to do, like finsih the archway, favors, my veil, etc. I have no desire to work on these things.  Is anyone else going through anything like this? Can we be saved? We aren't communicating well and I'm afraid of things going really bad. Is this just pre wedding crazy jitters?
Posted by pregali80[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Intuition never lies.</div><div>
</div><div>Mine didn't when I married the wrong man in 2004 and it didn't in 2009 when I filed for divorce.</div><div>
</div><div>

</div>

kjewell

When H and I started having problems before our wedding he convinced me it was pre-wedding jitters.  We got married, fought our entire honeymoon, have been miserable 3 years, seperated, gave it another go and are seriously considering divorce.  Cancel or postpone the wedding and get counseling/

ridesbuttons

Whatever you do, do not decide to go forward with the wedding on the basis that it is paid for. 

Listen to your gut, talk to a true and trusted friend.  Talk to your fiance.

The world will NOT end if you decide to postpone and/or cancel the wedding.

deanabuonincontri

Agree with ridesbuttons...its never to late to postpone or cancel the wedding. it may seem like the world will end but it wont. trust me, it will be much worse to go through with it only to separate or divroce later. you deserve a wedding and a marriage...not just a wedding.  Good luck! and dont let these other ladies cut you down! thats the very last thing you need right now.

karilynk

First of all, I would just like to say that your decision to have a child before marriage has nothing to do with the scenario you have asked for help with, so I'm not quite sure why it keeps being brought up.  Second, that choice was yours and yours alone, no one else has the right to comment on it, especially in a negative way, unless you have asked them to. 

That being said, you definitely need to take a step back from the wedding and focus on the relationship.  IMO, it seems as if you both need to take some time apart to seriously think about this decision.  Rushing into counseling to get it done before the wedding date will do no good.

Take a break, postpone the wedding and quit thinking about it entirely.  It seems that maybe the wedding excitement/feelings that it has to happen next weekend may be clouding your judgement.  If once it is completely out of your mind, you still think you want a future with this man, go through with the counseling.  Like a few others have said, you have your child to consider here as well.  The best thing for him is to be in a happy, loving home.

imoan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_im-completely-freaking-out-like-loosing-mind-freaking-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:595763a7-2528-40a7-8196-91819151066fPost:94911a9a-5044-4af9-9216-7aa60cae360d">Re: I'm completely freaking out. Like loosing my mind freaking out. Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]First of all, I would just like to say that your decision to have a child before marriage has nothing to do with the scenario you have asked for help with, so I'm not quite sure why it keeps being brought up.  Second, that choice was yours and yours alone, no one else has the right to comment on it, especially in a negative way, unless you have asked them to.  That being said, you definitely need to take a step back from the wedding and focus on the relationship.  IMO, it seems as if you both need to take some time apart to seriously think about this decision.  Rushing into counseling to get it done before the wedding date will do no good. Take a break, postpone the wedding and quit thinking about it entirely.  It seems that maybe the wedding excitement/feelings that it has to happen next weekend may be clouding your judgement.  If once it is completely out of your mind, you still think you want a future with this man, go through with the counseling.  Like a few others have said, you have your child to consider here as well.  The best thing for him is to be in a happy, loving home.
Posted by karilynk[/QUOTE]
I have every right to comment on it seeing as the OP put it on a public forum.  The moment she did that, she opened the topic up for discussion.

And yes, being willing to create an ENTIRE NEW HUMAN LIFE before you're willing to bind yourself to someone via a flimsy piece of paper IS relevant to the OP's issue.