FMIL isn't too thrilled about us being engaged :(

jmfhokie

We've been together over 5 years and knew each other a year before that-met in college.  However, my fiance's mom says that she is too young to be a mother-in-law (she is 50-heck, if it makes her feel better, my mom is 64!), that we are too young (25 and 24-and the wedding isn't for a year and a half!), that we should have dated more people (we've both had at least 2 other substantial relationships, but didn't feel the need to date around after we got together), that we are still growing as individuals (this is going to happen throughout one's life right?), that we are settling for one another and cannot possibily know what it is to love (she isn't too keen on 'losing' her oldest son, the most responsible and attentive of them, and naturally either parent set is going to think their child is better and that no one is good enough for them and then that they may not internally be super pleased with said child's choice of partner), and that we should be living together before marriage (we prefer not to-if tons of couples have made the leap from relationship to engagement to marriage and managed to acclimate to one another's living patterns, if you've been together a long enough time, and if you have spent enough time doing mundane chores or staying over one another's places, then why does that all really matter?).  

On my end, I note to myself the following things about her (albeit it was a different time): she was only 22 when she got married, she hadn't ever lived outside her parents' house on her own (we've gone away to school and afterward lived in our own places with and without roommates), and she didn't have the full educational backgrounds that we've pursused (we both have master's degrees and she an associate's).

So what do we do?  My fiance is sad about his mom feeling this way and because of it he really doesn't want to move forward in planning much lately...which in turn makes my parents bummed out.  Plus, when my mom called his mom to ask if she wanted some input for things and maybe to see if the two families could get together later this summer, she never got a call back, and my fiance says it is because his mom isn't ok with this since it makes her feel old and she isn't ready.  

What are we going to do?            

I love him and miss him very much!

flower_diva

my take:   she is manipulative and "her" territory (her son) is being taken over by someone she has no control over(you). FI is going to be made to make choices here that you may not like(she will)  Don't fight over it,just continue the planning with or withour her. When she see's her attitude isn't going to make any difference she will either get on board with the planning or will be left out of the loop(her loss)  The more it bothers both of you the more satisfaction she will get out of being such a stinker.  JMO

[Deleted User]

Mine's the same way (or at least very similar).  I tried to keep my FMIL as in the loop as possible.  The more I started to plan, the more excited she became about us getting married.  Just don't let her actions get in between your relationship with your FI.

GBCK

The big issue isn't going to be that your FMIL doesn't like this, it's not her life, she'll have no choice but to get over it.

The big issue is going to be how your FI deals with this.  How he responds to cutting the apron strings, 'making' her sad, etc.

mrsconn23

OK, so everyone in life is going to have hang-ups.   Right now, it's FMIL's hang-up about feeling old.  Say you get married...She's going to start in on "Don't make me a grandma too soon! I'm not ready to be 'grandma'!"  I bet she'll be full of fun comments for you for the rest of her life.

So, you need to talk to your FI.  Be tactful, but explain that his mother's hang-ups can't stop time and should not prevent you from moving forward with your lives together.

There's nothing you can do about your MIL.  But your FI needs to realize that.  If HE can't get over his mother's hang ups or 'feelings', then I'd be seriously concerned.  Do you really want spending your time worrying about her issues/feelings/hang-ups?

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fmil-isnt-too-thrilled-about-us-being-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:5b4a76fc-fd67-4e20-a50b-9f0616e2c55ePost:06f48fa0-feae-4b5d-b376-904bda49648e">FMIL isn't too thrilled about us being engaged :(</a>:
[QUOTE]We've been together over 5 years and knew each other a year before that-met in college.  However, my fiance's mom says that she is too young to be a mother-in-law (she is 50-heck, if it makes her feel better, my mom is 64!), that we are too young (25 and 24-and the wedding isn't for a year and a half!), that we should have dated more people (we've both had at least 2 other substantial relationships, but didn't feel the need to date around after we got together), that we are still growing as individuals (this is going to happen throughout one's life right?), that we are settling for one another and cannot possibily know what it is to love (she isn't too keen on 'losing' her oldest son, the most responsible and attentive of them, and naturally either parent set is going to think their child is better and that no one is good enough for them and then that they may not internally be super pleased with said child's choice of partner), and that we should be living together before marriage (we prefer not to-if tons of couples have made the leap from relationship to engagement to marriage and managed to acclimate to one another's living patterns, if you've been together a long enough time, and if you have spent enough time doing mundane chores or staying over one another's places, then why does that all really matter?).   On my end, I note to myself the following things about her (albeit it was a different time): she was only 22 when she got married, she hadn't ever lived outside her parents' house on her own (we've gone away to school and afterward lived in our own places with and without roommates), and she didn't have the full educational backgrounds that we've pursused (we both have master's degrees and she an associate's). So what do we do? <strong> My fiance is sad about his mom feeling this way and because of it he really doesn't want to move forward in planning much lately...which in turn makes my parents bummed out. </strong> Plus, when my mom called his mom to ask if she wanted some input for things and maybe to see if the two families could get together later this summer, she never got a call back, and my fiance says it is because his mom isn't ok with this since it makes her feel old and she isn't ready.   What are we going to do?        :(     I love him and miss him very much!
Posted by jmfhokie[/QUOTE]

See what I bolded? That's your biggest problem. Not that FMIL is sad about losing her baby boy, but that FI is more than happy to let her sadness dictate his actions regarding your possible future wedding. That behavior won't stop once the wedding is over. He will continue to let his mother dictate his choices.

TKzilla

I don't think you should raise the alarms just yet. I think maybe (just MAYBE) your fiance is bummed about this because he's disappointed in his mom's reaction. It would upset me if I made this wonderful, life-changing decision to spend my life with the one I love and she was like "Eh... I dunno..." It might be his feelings are hurt and that's okay. What's NOT okay is for him to let his mother dictate whether or not you two marry. You have SO much time between now and the wedding. 

Talk to HIM first. You two need to be a united front. Try not to get your feelings hurt because of his mom. Remember that 26 is the average age to get married, lots of people marry their first/second/third loves (my mom did at age 17, they're still together after 35 years!), and you are in no way "taking" her son from her! 

Engagements and weddings are majorly emotional for everyone involved. Sometimes the emotions aren't the ones you expected.

The only thing I agree with (in terms of your FMIL) is the idea of living together. It is definitely a personal choice but my fiance and I have been living together for over a year and it's been an experience! I would suggest to anyone getting married that if it's possible, give it a shot. I realize not everyone can or wants to for various reasons. But to me it was definitely an eye-opener!