Vent vent vent vent vent, before I attack someone.

Mrs Littlefield

So here's the deal, me and fiance are still relatively young, he's about to be 20 and I'll be 21 soon. Yes, I know we're young but we've been together the majority of the past seven years and have been best buds since we were eight. F(step)MIL has this thing with constantly giving her opinion and butting into ANYTHING and EVERYTHING.
She sat me down today for what she calls "porch talks" and looked at me and told me that FI has heard enough about the wedding. I hardly talk to him about it, we have a while to go and I just get all "giggly" with my girls sometimes but I know he doesn't want to go into a million details yet so I don't force him. Therefore I highly doubt he talked to her about this, I know he would come to me and talk to me on a personal level before involving her in this. She told me she wants me to be her DIL but if I continue in this way FI won't want to marry me. Shouldn't it be his decision to want to marry me and not hers? Then she adds on a huge shock, that people have been calling me Bridezilla behind my back, these "friends" who are supposed to be in my wedding party who are actually the girlfriends of FI's groomsmen. I'm not so sure I see them calling me that and I think F(step)MIL is saying that herself because when she told me she hated the bridesmaids dresses I like and told me that they were hideous I told her it was a good thing she wasn't wearing one then.
I don't want to be rude to her, both her and FFIL have helped us out a lot; we used to live with them, they help us out when we're in a bind, and they're offering to help us pay for the wedding. Honestly, if it comes down to listening to her complaints and having to do things her way on MY day I'd rather us pay for it all ourselves. Am I wrong to be upset by her stepping on my toes or am I being perfectly reasonable? I don't want to be rude or unappreciative but I'm tired of her constantly sticking her nose in our relationship and telling me everything I want for my wedding day is stupid.

Butter Cookie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_vent-vent-vent-vent-vent-before-attack-someone?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:5b5b8f83-7f0a-4cc8-af26-4cb7914a2496Post:8cedea3f-7f85-4740-82e4-11412cf7f2dc">Vent vent vent vent vent, before I attack someone.</a>:
[QUOTE]So here's the deal, me and fiance are still relatively young, he's about to be 20 and I'll be 21 soon. Yes, I know we're young but we've been together the majority of the past seven years and have been best buds since we were eight. F(step)MIL has this thing with constantly giving her opinion and butting into ANYTHING and EVERYTHING.
She sat me down today for what she calls "porch talks" and looked at me and told me that FI has heard enough about the wedding. I hardly talk to him about it, we have a while to go and I just get all "giggly" with my girls sometimes but I know he doesn't want to go into a million details yet so I don't force him. Therefore I highly doubt he talked to her about this, I know he would come to me and talk to me on a personal level before involving her in this. She told me she wants me to be her DIL but if I continue in this way FI won't want to marry me.
 Shouldn't it be his decision to want to marry me and not hers? Then she adds on a huge shock, that people have been calling me Bridezilla behind my back, these "friends" who are supposed to be in my wedding party who are actually the girlfriends of FI's groomsmen.
I'm not so sure I see them calling me that and I think F(step)MIL is saying that herself because when she told me she hated the bridesmaids dresses I like and told me that they were hideous I told her it was a good thing she wasn't wearing one then. I don't want to be rude to her, both her and FFIL have helped us out a lot; we used to live with them, they help us out when we're in a bind, and they're offering to help us pay for the wedding.
 Honestly, if it comes down to listening to her complaints and having to do things her way on MY day I'd rather us pay for it all ourselves. Am I wrong to be upset by her stepping on my toes or am I being perfectly reasonable? I don't want to be rude or unappreciative but I'm tired of her constantly sticking her nose in our relationship and telling me everything I want for my wedding day is stupid.
Posted by Mrs Littlefield[/QUOTE]


You don't want to hear this but you two are not old enough to be getting married.  You're not yet financially independent, much less emotionally so and you want to add an extra layer of hardship into that?

There are red flags all over this post, so let me point them out to you:

(1) Your FMIL has no business communicating for her son. He is an adult and should be able to communicate effectively with you one-on-one without her interference or guidance.

(2) Your FMIL is telling you how it's going to be. She's setting the tone for the rest of your life. You do realize that don't you?

(3) Your FMIL is either lying to you or teling you things that you really don't need to be hearing. If anything, she should be telling these people who apparently feel the need to vent to her about you that they need to communicate with you.

(4) Your FI should be willing to listen to the details of the wedding. I'm not saying he needs to know the difference between turquoise and aqua, but the man should want to know and weigh in on the big things - what kind of ceremony (religious, in church? non-secular, in a field?) how much money the two of you will be spending, etc.

There are more, but hopefully you're seeing the issues.

You two need to get away from FMIL and her thumb, learn to financially support yourselves, learn to communicate effectively with each other - and really just spend some time growing up. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being where you are right now, you are young - but that immaturity that just goes along with the age isn't going to make your marriage any easier.

At the very least talk to a pre-marital counselor.

Mrs Littlefield

I talked to him about it and he said nothing about it to her which is probably typical. I'm quite aware that she tries to hold us under her thumb and won't let go. We'll moving right after the wedding which is part of the reason we're getting married when we are. His job will require us to move out of state shortly after and I'm praying that will help us get away from her judgement and ridicule.
We are on our own financially now, they help out here and there when we need it but it doesn't happen often or on a regular basis. I realize we are young and that is why our date is set for almost two years away and I already planned on getting premarital counseling, I think even the best of couples should get it before getting married.

and yes he cares about the details to an extent, he's helped to pick the major things he just doesn't care like you said about the small details and I don't expect him to. We each have things we're doing together and things we're each more in charge of that is our expertise so to say.

I already knew everything you said in this post, and although I appreciate the input very much I didn't ask for a list of our problems because I am very well aware of them I asked for help on a way to approuch his stepmother.

ReturnOfKuus

One reason she's saying you're too young is because you don't need to approach his stepmother.  At all.  Just talk to her less, and tell her that you're not comfortable discussing your relationship with your FI, or your friends, with her when she starts on one of her random tangents.

Mrs Littlefield

I wasn't planning on approaching her about it, I was just planning on telling her next time she brought up the subject that it was between me and my FI but I didn't know how to tell her in a polite manner.  But thank you.