Wedding Woes
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Help! I need advice

     So my guy and I have been trying to work out the details of the wedding. I come from a very strictly religious family that is also very anti-alcohol. We NEVER have any alcohol what-so-ever at any of our family events. My fiance, however, comes from a family where as he put it "everyone is used to going and getting wasted at weddings." His dad is an alcoholic and his brother has substance abuse issues of his own. My guy had agreed originally that the wedding reception would be an alcohol-free event so my family is not scandalized. Now he is insisting that we should have some alcohol there because his family would be uneasy at an alcohol-free event. I honestly want his family to feel welcome and comfortable. But I also want my family to feel welcome and comfortable. If my family will feel out of place around alcohol and people drinking, and his family will feel out of place if they can't drink I don't know how to make everyone happy. I personally have no problem with people drinking in moderation but I do NOT want people getting drunk at my wedding. Undecided The sad thing is that neither family will be happy with a compromise for various reasons. At least not any compromises that I have found so far such as limited alcohol so people can drink without having people get drunk.

**Too Long, Didn't Read (TLDR): His family gets wasted at weddings and they want there to be alcohol. My family wants no alcohol for religious reasons and having it there would make them uncomfortable.

So ladies, what do you think? Has anyone else successfully worked through an issue like this? Is there a "best" way to handle this?

Re: Help! I need advice

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    WzzWzz member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited November 2012
    "I don't know how to make everyone happy. I personally have no problem with people drinking in moderation but I do NOT want people getting drunk at my wedding."

    not everyone will get "wasted" just because there is alcohol, but there will be people who are going to get drunk. i assume these are grown folks and not frat boys who know how to behave in public, the alcoholic included. i think your teetotaling made you think that anyone who might have a drink will do so to the point of oblivion. it's kind of condescending if you think about it.

    that said, i didn't vote. if you don't want alcohol and your fiance does, you're going to have to figure out a compromise. will alcohol in the building completely offend your family? do they never go out to eat at restaurants because there may be a bar in the place? i'm just really curious about how bad it is for your family to be around liquor.
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    You're not going to win with either side no matter what you choose. What do you both want?
    image
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    <div>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_help-i-need-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:5e56055c-381f-4b47-953f-c69daa0c2b7bPost:3b7cac3d-ee03-4b1e-9202-b25d79f07c33">Re: Help! I need advice</a>:
    </div>[QUOTE]You're not going to win with either side no matter what you choose. What do you both want?
    Posted by NOLABridesmaid[/QUOTE]

    This. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_help-i-need-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:5e56055c-381f-4b47-953f-c69daa0c2b7bPost:3b7cac3d-ee03-4b1e-9202-b25d79f07c33">Re: Help! I need advice</a>:
    [QUOTE]You're not going to win with either side no matter what you choose. What do you both want?
    Posted by NOLABridesmaid[/QUOTE]

    This.  What do you want?
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     "I don't know how to make everyone happy"

    ^there's the problem right there....you're trying to do the impossible.

    You don't want people drunk.  Well, you know that your FI's family will have some people get drunk if there's alcohol there (although--all 'drunk' is not equal.  Aunt Bertha doing the electric slide may be drunk but NBD--she's still well behaved and amusing.  Uncle Fred puking in the corner is drunk and ill behaved.  Your issue isn't the drinking/level of drinking, it's about the behavior. )

    His family wants to be able to enjoy adult libations.

    Do YOU want no alcohol/drunkeness/etc or do you want to appease your family?
    Does your Fi WANT alcohol or does he want to appease his family?  

    Motivation is a part of this.
    But, honestly, you can't make everybody happy.  So youa nd your Fi figure out what makes the 2 of you happiest...and run with it.
    The rest of them be damned.
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    Who is the host? If it is you and FI, then you are back to square one. If it is your parents, then honor them. My dad drinks to excess and ends up a mean drunk. My mom wanted nothing but wine and champagne. No beer. Worked for us. No one that I know even got tipsy.
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    This is so different from the way I was raised, so I'm just curious:  why do people who don't drink feel "uncomfortable around alcohol?"  I mean yes, I get that if everyone is sloppy drunk and you're not, it can be really awkward, but in my experience that's not how it usually plays out.  And they don't say "I'm uncomfortable about drunken creepy gropers," they say "I'm uncomfortable around alcohol."  It's not going to jump down your throat and intoxicate you against your will.  Don't drink if you don't want to.  (And by "you" I mean in general, not you personally.)

    I'm not doubting that this occurs, I've seen it, I just genuinely don't understand.  But maybe it's because I was raised by a bunch of Polish Catholics--drinking is totally normal in my family, at any and all occasions.  Births, birthdays, sausage-making, weddings, funerals...

    And yes, to answer the question, I would decide with your FI, because this isn't the last time you'll want different things and have to compromise.  But IMO, it's easier to provide alcohol and let those who don't want it stick with soft drinks, than it is to skip it and leave the drinkers high and dry.  Unless you're into BYOB (flasks and minibottles and such), which would not be my preference but whatever.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_help-i-need-advice-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:5e56055c-381f-4b47-953f-c69daa0c2b7bPost:2364ce14-6245-4ce0-8409-6ea7b926c582">Re: Help! I need advice</a>:
    [QUOTE] <strong>But IMO, it's easier to provide alcohol and let those who don't want it stick with soft drinks, than it is to skip it and leave the drinkers high and dry. </strong> Unless you're into BYOB (flasks and minibottles and such), which would not be my preference but whatever.
    Posted by Heffalump[/QUOTE]
    ^^^ I agree with Heffa.<div>
    </div><div>you also need to keep in mind the legality of her second sentence. Depending on the liquor license of your reception venue, and the state you live in  - Folks who BYOB could be doing something illegal and end up getting kicked out/arrested if discovered. </div><div>
    </div>
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    I don't think my ILs are necessarily uncomfortable around alcohol, but they don't drink. At all. Ever. 

    We did beer/wine/signature drink. My family was a little peeved there was no scotch and went to the bar next door to get a drink. His family sat at a table and watched other people (drinking and not) dance and have fun, just like they would have if we didn't have alcohol. 

    If I had it to do over again, I'd have a full bar. 


    But I"m not you. 

    As a practical matter, I'd also examine how this plays into the wedding budget. Booze is expensive, and if you're on a tight budget, eliminating the alcohol can help it stretch a lot. 

    Finally, having a brunch or afternoon reception makes people expect the alcohol a little less. You can always have an afterparty at a bar for the drinkers.

    image
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    What if you worked out a "drink ticket" system? Everyone gets 2 or 3 tickets to use at the bar. That way, people can't get overly intoxicated, but can still have a drink with dinner.

    Just a thought! Its sort of half way in between the 2 sides!
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    Please do not do drink tickets.  You host your guests properly.  Drink tickets are not hosting properly at all.

    Here is what I wrote in your other thread:

    Your situation contains 2 of my pet peeves:

    1.  Non-drinking family making an issue of alcohol being served at the family wedding.
    2.  Family and friends who abuse the alcohol and get trashed at weddings.  I think that is incredibly tacky.

    Addressing #1:  Does your family eat in places like Applebees, Chili's, Olive Garden, Ruby Tuesday?  If so, they choose to sit in a room of people drinking alcohol while they eat their dinner.  No one is forcing them to drink at those restaurants and no one will force them to drink at your reception.  If your family isn't scandalized eating at these places they won't be scandalized by your wedding.  I seriously detest that attitude.  Now, if you  tell me they won't step foot into any restaurant that serves alcohol I will back down on that one.  Your family gets to choose how THEY wish to handle alcohol, not how everyone else does.

    Addressing #2:  If these people truly use receptions to get trashed, you need to limit your alcohol.  Will they still find a way to get trashed?  Probably, but the rest of your guests should be able to enjoy a cocktail if you are choosing to serve alcohol.  Just serve wine/beer.  

    Your FFIL being an alcoholic really means nothing here.  If he is an active, drinking alcoholic and not in recovery he will be bringing alcohol.  My immediate family is rampant with alcoholism and I have lost some of them to it.  If your FBIL has substance abuse problems that really isn't alcohol, is it?  I'm saying that because you used "alcoholic" to describe theFFIL, and "substance abuse problems" to describe FBIL.

    You guys need to decide what YOU GUYS want.  Your family needs to deal with someone enjoying a glass of wine at the next table and his family needs to deal with the fact that there won't be free flowing alcohol.  Compromise.
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