Mom Issues - Long

staugustinegal

When I let my mother know that I was engaged, she was estatic. Even going through a divorce from my former step-father, she decided to contribute money towards the wedding, saying it was a gift and to use it as I saw fit for planning. I was so grateful, I cried. 

Now, she's asked for all the money back. Nothing I did, but she says she needs it to cover divorce costs and the expenses of raising my two younger half-siblings. Her idea of raising the two younger kids is driving them all around the state to tournaments and staying in expensive hotels every weekend. They eat out more often than my FI and I do, get steak when they eat in... On top of that, my former step-father is paying child support. And, my grandmother (her mother) has been supporting her since the divorce started. My mother is making more than my FI and I do, and she's blowing though every red cent to provide and compensate to the younger children. They're 11 and 13. They have every comfort and need looked after with the money my grandmother and my former-step-father give her monthly. She doesn't see how I could be upset at this, but feels entitled to that money back. 

It was a substantial amount and would have covered everything I had budgeted for except for my dress. So for her to ask for it back...I'm a little disheartened and heartbroken. My own mother is taking back the gift she'd given. 

I work hard and barely make ends meet each month. I wouldn't be able to save that money up again anytime soon. Maybe in 3 or 4 years, I'd have saved it up. I just feel so foresaken since she's milking everyone to get through this divorce. I don't mind waiting to get married and saving until the special day, but the principal of the thing irritates and hurts. 

I gave her the money back and told her to leave me alone from then on. 

Am I wrong for feeling mistreated? 

I'm sorry the post is so long, I just needed to vent a little. 

Phantom&Tessa

That is so sad, I can understand how frustrated you must be and entirely agree with what you've told her, in fact I applaud your maturity in the face of her immaturity. I suppose though, if she's going to be that immature, any money she gave you, even if she'd not asked for it back, might have had some rather nasty strings attached...
Don't let the twist in finances get you down: the day you get married will be beautiful no matter what. You can save the money up and feel proud of every cent of it :-)

staugustinegal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_mom-issues-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:617bb3c7-b89a-45b9-89e7-d2de647d42aaPost:fd30f920-3f6e-4003-8f2a-1fc3393c1444">Re: Mom Issues - Long</a>:
[QUOTE]That is so sad, I can understand how frustrated you must be and entirely agree with what you've told her, in fact I applaud your maturity in the face of her immaturity. I suppose though, if she's going to be that immature, any money she gave you, even if she'd not asked for it back, might have had some rather nasty strings attached... Don't let the twist in finances get you down: the day you get married will be beautiful no matter what. You can save the money up and feel proud of every cent of it :-)
Posted by Phantom&Tessa[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>My eyes watered up reading this. I had no one else to talk to except for FI, but he gets angry at the whole situation (understandably so). Thank you for reading. And for letting me believe I was justified.

</div>

ReturnOfKuus

How much money are we talking about here?  And, how did she provide for you vs how she's providing for the younger ones?

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_mom-issues-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:617bb3c7-b89a-45b9-89e7-d2de647d42aaPost:94edef0f-34a7-49b1-bbb0-dec76a269f2b">Mom Issues - Long</a>:
[QUOTE]When I let my mother know that I was engaged, she was estatic. Even going through a divorce from my former step-father, she decided to contribute money towards the wedding, saying it was a gift and to use it as I saw fit for planning. I was so grateful, I cried.  Now, she's asked for all the money back. Nothing I did, but she says she needs it to cover divorce costs and the <strong>expenses of raising my two younger half-siblings. Her idea of raising the two younger kids is driving them all around the state to tournaments and staying in expensive hotels every weekend. They eat out more often than my FI and I do, get steak when they eat in... On top of that, my former step-father is paying child support. And, my grandmother (her mother) has been supporting her since the divorce started. My mother is making more than my FI and I do, and she's blowing though every red cent to provide and compensate to the younger children. They're 11 and 13. They have every comfort and need looked after with the money my grandmother and my former-step-father give her monthly. She doesn't see how I could be upset at this, but feels entitled to that money back.</strong>  It was a substantial amount and would have covered everything I had budgeted for except for my dress. So for her to ask for it back...I'm a little disheartened and heartbroken. My own mother is taking back the gift she'd given. <strong> I work hard and barely make ends meet each month.</strong> I wouldn't be able to save that money up again anytime soon. Maybe in 3 or 4 years, I'd have saved it up. I just feel so foresaken since she's milking everyone to get through this divorce. I don't mind waiting to get married and saving until the special day, but the principal of the thing irritates and hurts.  I gave her the money back and told her to leave me alone from then on.  Am I wrong for feeling mistreated?  I'm sorry the post is so long, I just needed to vent a little. 
Posted by staugustinegal[/QUOTE]

you don't get to dictate how other people choose to spend their money, and you may not know the full extent of your mother's financial state. for all you know, she has massive amounts of debt to compensate for all of the "luxury" purchases. maybe she makes stupid money decisions and is living beyond her means. maybe she gave you that money out of guilt/to compensate the same way that she is acting towards your brothers - even though she couldn't really afford it.

all of that said, it is shitty of your mother to give you a *gift* and then ask for it back. it looks like you will either need to scale back on the wedding plans or postpone getting married and save some money to pay for the wedding you want. if it's that important to you or your FI, take a second job or some side work to help save.

also, if you are barely making ends meet, i would suggest focusing on saving for an emergency account rather than a big wedding - make sure you are financially stable before you get married. you never know when something is going to come up, and should try and be prepared in case of an emergency (job loss, health issue, broken down car, etc.)

staugustinegal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_mom-issues-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:617bb3c7-b89a-45b9-89e7-d2de647d42aaPost:d90e2ecc-891f-4428-93f0-1857b968f612">Re: Mom Issues - Long</a>:
[QUOTE]How much money are we talking about here?  And, how did she provide for you vs how she's providing for the younger ones?
Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

<div>We're talking about 10k. And, I wasn't provided for. Not as a child, and definitely not after I turned 16. I was an accident child from the first marriage. I think she often compensates for never giving me anything by giving everything to the other children (who were planned). </div><div>
</div><div>A lot of it is guilt on her part, I'm sure. I don't know what else to think. </div>

ReturnOfKuus

I suspected as much.  Call me crazy, but I wouldn't have given her back a dime.  And I would certainly call her out on this discrepancy now.  While you may not get to actually decide how other people spend their money, you can certainly tell them when they're spending like jackasses.

staugustinegal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_mom-issues-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:617bb3c7-b89a-45b9-89e7-d2de647d42aaPost:12896f7d-4ecb-4b37-b45a-3e6ebe3ac02f">Re: Mom Issues - Long</a>:
[QUOTE]Iyou don't get to dictate how other people choose to spend their money, and you may not know the full extent of your mother's financial state. for all you know, she has massive amounts of debt to compensate for all of the "luxury" purchases. maybe she makes stupid money decisions and is living beyond her means. maybe she gave you that money out of guilt/to compensate the same way that she is acting towards your brothers - even though she couldn't really afford it. 
Posted by *Barbie*[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't care if she spends all *her* money, I was just upset that she asked for *gift* money back to cover expenses. If she was financially unstable, I would hope she wouldn't give a gift in the first place. That's all. I'm happy that at least the two younger kids are getting pampered. The divorce is rough on them.</div>

VarunaTT

My gut reaction is that you shouldn't give back the money.  It was a gift, it's been given.  What if you had spent it already (I can't tell if you have/haven't).

The big "but" here is what will this do to your relationship and are you willing to pay that consequence (for whichever decision you make).  

I don't think anyone will tell you it isn't schitty no matter the circumstances.  Even if it was a life necessity, it'd be schitty albeit more understandable.

mdeidre

You did the right thing giving it back and I think it's totally justified that you feel the way you do.  Your mom has issues, don't let her issues affect your life anymore.  It's up to you to let her back into your life or not, but either way, I would encourage you to get some counseling to help you deal with the very understandable feelings you have concerning your mom and how she's treated you your entire life.  I'm glad your FI is angry with how she treated you, hopefully he'll help you to continue to stand up to her and her selfishness.  No, you can't tell her how to spend her money, but once she gave it to you, it was yours.  I agree that keeping it may have eventually come with some really nasty strings, so even though you technically didn't have to give it back, it's best that you did.  Don't feel guilty for not wanting anything else to do with her.