Dear Prudence,
I'm adopted. I'm in my late 40s, married, have two children, am well-educated and financially secure. A few years ago, I decided to locate my birth parents. My hope was for a connection, but I was willing to settle for medical history and information about my heritage. My research revealed that my birth mother married several years after my birth and has recently divorced. The marriage produced two sons, my half-brothers. Both sons are married with children, and there are lots of other relatives. I sent my birth mother a certified letter with corroboration about my being her biological daughter. I gave a brief personal history, some photographs, and I assured her I was financially stable. I waited a month but she didn't respond, so I sent the letter a second time. Again, no response. Finally, I telephoned her. I’m sure that phone call was one of the worst conversations of both of our lives. She had received my letter and was horrified to hear from me. Only her eldest brother and deceased parents had known of her pregnancy. She had spent her entire life keeping my existence a secret, and she would be ruined if people found out about me. I tried to salvage what I could from the conversation. I asked for information about my birth father and she adamantly refused to tell me anything. I told her since I had located her she could be confident I would find him, with or without her. I suggested she should inform family members about me and trust that their feelings for her would not change. She just kept repeating that I had ruined her life. I am the mother of a daughter, and I simply cannot fathom my birth mother's response to me. A year later, I sent a second letter informing her of my intent to contact other family members and encouraging her to communicate with them about me. Again, I received no response. Part of me sympathizes with my birth mother's wish for privacy. But another part of me feels I have a right to know who my father is, and that I have a right to pursue relationships with other family members. I've given her ample opportunity to control the message. Do I have an obligation to do anything more?