From the board where I cheat. 19 year old w/3 kids and one on the way. She's worried about meeting her stepson for the first time. Oh yeah and she thinks that having myspace pages for all her kids is 'cute' becuse 'there adorable'. I coped to Notepad and tried to clean it up as much as possible. It's still really long, but interesting if you're bored.
Question!
beautifuls...
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Question!
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I am meeting my ss soon. He is suppose to be coming in 2 weeks. I was wondering how did everyone adjust to the having a step-child thing? He is 10 and I am nervous about the whole your not my mom thing. My DH hasnt seen him in like 4 yrs and that was at his birthday and before that BM took ss to panama and didnt allow DH to see SS. So I dont know how this will work out.
EmileeKaye
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I am confused by your post. You have been with your DH for over 6 years, have 3 children and a baby on the way with him, but have never met his son who is 10? Why hasn't he been your life for the last 4 years since he isn't in Panama anymore? Do you/DH have any type of relationship with him, talk on the phone at night, e-mail, skype in the last 6 years?
I really have no advice on "having a step-child thing" if you are only now meeting him 6 years into your relationship with his Dad. I am sure it will be very hard on him coming to a new place, meeting a SM and siblings for the first time. And will be even harder if you have not had any type of relationship with him, phone, letters, ect.
We currently have SS's for two weeks, the first few days we had some adjusting to do and feelings of missing thier moms, ect, but they are here every other weekend and holidays during the year. I can not imagine years of no contact and then meeting. I met my boyfriends boys soon after we started dating(not always the best thing, but worked well for us) and they have been a large part of our relationship. I've fell in love with them and they have seen my relationship grow with their dad and treat me very well.
sweetie022...
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I'm going leave the whole custody mess where it is...in your life.
To answer your question: It's going to be weird and awkward it's going to feel something like having a child over for a very long play date. You may feel like he's watching and judging and going to go home and tattle to his mom how much you are different.
You have kids he's going to want to spend time w/ them. Perhaps look around your neighborhood and see if there are other kids around 10/11 years old and make a point to meet their parents to set up at least one play date. To help w/ some transition.
You dont' mention how long he's coming to stay, it's a few hours a meet and greet, a weekend to start an EOW schedule, staying for the summer. Really it will all depends on how long you have him to determine how long it takes to warm up and get to know each other.
beautifuls...
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Well SS doesnt live close to us and BM didnt want him to travel and we never really had the funds to leave even for a few days. But now we have more funds and we can bring him down and even leave and visit him. I have spoken to him and he even made me a nice little scrapbook this past mothers day. I just think that meeting ffor the first time and him adjusting to be with us is going to be very difficult. Oh and by the "step child thing" I mean dealing with the Do's and Don'ts and all the in's and out's to having him and bonding.
beautifuls...
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We will have him for 4 weeks and I am so nervous. Right now we are setting up his room getting some things he would like and just trying to make this feel like home to him. I really hope we can after this visit have him very often. But I feel like if everything isnt perfect he wont want to come back and that will crush DH.
sweetie022...
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beautifulsin90:
We will have him for 4 weeks and I am so nervous. Right now we are setting up his room getting some things he would like and just trying to make this feel like home to him. I really hope we can after this visit have him very often. But I feel like if everything isnt perfect he wont want to come back and that will crush DH.
Don't set yourself up for this, you'll stress yourselves out and he'll feel the tension and assume it's him.
AND he's a child he doesn't determine the visits the parents do and you are your H are parents (yes you are, you are part of the group parenting)
Yes you will want to make the visit special but it doesn't have to be or need to be disney world everyday. That just sets up unrealistic expectations and disappointment.
Plan a couple day trips to fun spots in the area and just live your lives w/ him. He doesn't set the rules either. So don't be so afraid of alienating him that you forget that you are the adult and you are the parent (that goes double for guilty parenting dad...just in case) If you wouldn't tolerate it from one of your kids you dont' tolerate it from their brother.
EmileeKaye
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How long is he going to be visiting for?
The way I bonded with my SS's was spending time with them. Giving them my attention. Which will be harder for you with having the three young children, but you will want your SS to be bonding with his siblings also.
We watch movies, go to the park(fishing)/pool, play wii together, build forts, ect. Find out what he is into. My oldest SS who is 10, loves to fish. He knows I don't so much, but I make the effort and go with them. And he likes that. He likes to make fun of my "girlyness" and we bond when I get dirty and do "boy" things.
EmileeKaye
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beautifulsin90:
We will have him for 4 weeks and I am so nervous. Right now we are setting up his room getting some things he would like and just trying to make this feel like home to him. I really hope we can after this visit have him very often. But I feel like if everything isnt perfect he wont want to come back and that will crush DH.
That's a long time for a first visit and his age. Like PP said, dont set yourself up for disappointment.
My SS's were homesick just a few days into their visit and have complained off and on. You just have to realize its normal and not to take it personal.
beautifuls...
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yeah it is a long time and I think I am worrying myself lol. Thank you for the wonderful advice.
paris.inth...
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I am not going to touch the craziness either. No energy for that today.
I think you need to take it one step at a time. See how things naturally flow. I also think the main focus of this trip needs to be that he spend time with his father, one on one. They need to get to know each other and to build a foundation.That is not to say that you should ignore the kid at all, but just know that this time is going to be super important for the two of them, and will maybe determine how their relationship goes.
Assuming you are a nice person, be yourself. Let him know that you are very happy he is there, that his siblings are happy he is there, and that you look forward to getting to know him, and see what happens.
As for the whole your not my mother thing, well your not. I think many of us have heard that at one point or another. I told my SS that he was right, I am not his mother. However, we do not treat others, regardless of who they are disrespectfully. That as an adult in his life, he was to listen to me and do what I ask, just as he would do for his aunt/uncle, teacher, grandparent etc.
Good luck. I hope it goes well, and that this is a first step to building a relationship with this child.
paris.inth...
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WOOOOAAAAAAHHHH NELLIE!
I just clicked on your bio. Ummmm, how is it that you are 19 and your H has a 10 year old????? And that you are on baby number FOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Something is NOT adding up here.
beautifuls...
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I had my daughter at 15 and was married at 16 I had my second child at 17 and my third at 18. My dh is 24 and the BM of my SS is 32. Hence a lot of the problems because minors have to go through a lot more to get custody or even EOW. Especially him because he was a problem child. Because of all the trouble he use to get into he didnt care when he couldnt see his son and now that he is mature he craves a relationship and wants to fix it. When I did the ticker I added in the time we dated and not just the time we have been married. Everything adds up just not the way most would approve of. But all my children have been taken care of. I have had a full time job since 16 and finished school. Graduated with honors and live a comfortable life. So please don't judge me just take time get to know me and see that all I want is to make my step-child comfortable and feel loved like I do with my children.
beautifuls...
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paris.inthe.spring:
I am not going to touch the craziness either. No energy for that today.
I think you need to take it one step at a time. See how things naturally flow. I also think the main focus of this trip needs to be that he spend time with his father, one on one. They need to get to know each other and to build a foundation.That is not to say that you should ignore the kid at all, but just know that this time is going to be super important for the two of them, and will maybe determine how their relationship goes.
Assuming you are a nice person, be yourself. Let him know that you are very happy he is there, that his siblings are happy he is there, and that you look forward to getting to know him, and see what happens.
As for the whole your not my mother thing, well your not. I think many of us have heard that at one point or another. I told my SS that he was right, I am not his mother. However, we do not treat others, regardless of who they are disrespectfully. That as an adult in his life, he was to listen to me and do what I ask, just as he would do for his aunt/uncle, teacher, grandparent etc.
Good luck. I hope it goes well, and that this is a first step to building a relationship with this child.
Thank you I will be taking your advice.
EmileeKaye
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beautifulsin90:
I had my daughter at 15 and was married at 16 I had my second child at 17 and my third at 18. My dh is 24 and the BM of my SS is 32. Hence a lot of the problems because minors have to go through a lot more to get custody or even EOW. Especially him because he was a problem child. Because of all the trouble he use to get into he didnt care when he couldnt see his son and now that he is mature he craves a relationship and wants to fix it. When I did the ticker I added in the time we dated and not just the time we have been married. Everything adds up just not the way most would approve of. But all my children have been taken care of. I have had a full time job since 16 and finished school. Graduated with honors and live a comfortable life. So please don't judge me just take time get to know me and see that all I want is to make my step-child comfortable and feel loved like I do with my children.
Why do you call him your BF over on 1st trimester and your DH here?
And he's 5 years older than you, getting you pregnant at 15 and he was 20. They let a 16 year old kid marry a 21 year old? That's legal?
MrsMammay
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beautifulsin90:
I had my daughter at 15 and was married at 16 I had my second child at 17 and my third at 18. My dh is 24 and the BM of my SS is 32. Hence a lot of the problems because minors have to go through a lot more to get custody or even EOW. Especially him because he was a problem child. Because of all the trouble he use to get into he didnt care when he couldnt see his son and now that he is mature he craves a relationship and wants to fix it. When I did the ticker I added in the time we dated and not just the time we have been married. Everything adds up just not the way most would approve of. But all my children have been taken care of. I have had a full time job since 16 and finished school. Graduated with honors and live a comfortable life. So please don't judge me just take time get to know me and see that all I want is to make my step-child comfortable and feel loved like I do with my children.
Did BM go to jail for statutory rape? She was 22 and having sex with a 14 year old boy? That's illegal in every state.
ambrvan
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I'm not going to touch on the craziness here. I just want to point out some things to the Bumpies.
1. My FI has been on both sides of the statutory thing. In fact, that's why he married his previous wife. He had the choice if either marrying her (she was sixteen, he was an adult) or her parents were pressing charges for statutory rape. They got married. She turned eighteen, cheated on him with 27 guys (not to mention the girls), became a stripper, and they divorced. So yes it is legal for a sixteen year old to marry an adult as long as the parents consent. The minor is then considered emancipated, and even if they divorce, the minor is considered a legal adult. This may vary slightly from state to state, but for the most part is the same.
2. BM and my FI dated when he was a minor and she was an adult (years before SD was conceived). Statutory rape can only be pushed if the parents of the minor press charges. Charges can be presses without the parents if someone else reports it, such as a teacher, or if it ties into another crime. But it is hard to get a conviction that way.
So while I agree that this is all a little wild, I have a cousin and there was a girl I went to high school with that follow the same timeline as this Bumpie, so it's not necessarily MUD.
fauxshelle...
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beautifulsin90:
I am meeting my ss soon. He is suppose to be coming in 2 weeks. I was wondering how did everyone adjust to the having a step-child thing? He is 10 and I am nervous about the whole your not my mom thing. My DH hasnt seen him in like 4 yrs and that was at his birthday and before that BM took ss to panama and didnt allow DH to see SS. So I dont know how this will work out.
I'm guessing that this DH/BF of yours has been in jail for the last 4 years. I saw on another website that you wrote that you have been away from him for 4 years also. Let me guess, was it statutory rape?
xmaryrickx
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I am not trying to be snarky, I swear, I am just curious, why are you on baby number four at 19? Have you not heard of birth control? Do you not know how to use it properly? You are obviously a fertile little turtle, me thinks you need the pill, a condom, a sponge spermicide and hell while you are at it pull and pray please.
Littlejen2...
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My nice answer...He is 10 and has not seen Dad in 4 years. Well, expect the worst and do not freak out by it...seriously he might be on his best behavior this time because he wants his Dad to love him but expect that he will hate his Dad and you and be a monster and your DH needs to reinforce that he has totally screwed up for the last 4 years and regrets it and will never let it happen again. Trying to tell a 10yo that you could not afford to see him and that Mom did not want him to travel is not enough for him and not fair for him to feel like he is a financial burden to you and your DH, sorry your DH screwed up no matter what financial situation you are in and HE needs to own that. And it would be great for you to bond but the primary goal here is for him to get to know his Dad and for his Dad to get to know him. And remember that not seeing his son for 4 years means that he is not really a parent to this child and it will take time to become one.
ambrvan
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On second thought, I don't know about this one. Her bio has suddenly disappeared, too.
fauxshelle...
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ambrvan:
On second thought, I don't know about this one. Her bio has suddenly disappeared, too.
Here you go.
Newport News, Virginia
Due Date:
January 17, 2011
Add to My Friends
about me
I am a wonderful mother of 3 babies soon to be 4.
My age
19 years old
my interests
Animals, Cakes, Cleaning, Cooking, Dance, Drawing, Dresses, Eating Out, Entertaining, Exercise, Hair, Makeup, Reading Books, Scrapbooking, Swimming, Taking Pictures
my job
Waitress
EmileeKaye
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fauxshelley:
xmaryrickx:
I am not trying to be snarky, I swear, I am just curious, why are you on baby number four at 19? Have you not heard of birth control? Do you not know how to use it properly? You are obviously a fertile little turtle, me thinks you need the pill, a condom, a sponge spermicide and hell while you are at it pull and pray please.
She is using her super-fertile-power for the good of others. She is applying to be a surogate mother.
ETA - And no, I am not kidding. Google her SN. OP, I think that is the most amazing gift that you can give to another person. Good luck with that. Seriously.
Why oh why did I do this. Not only was I able to see the surogate posts, but also her myspace, along with a myspace page for every one of her children who are all 4 and under with almost no private settings on any of them, ugh!
beautifuls...
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That is my correct bio. I made it disappear when it got brought up because I figured being treated like a normal person with normal questions would be better than be battered for the way i choose to live. I have called him my bf on the other board its because I am so use to instead of saying thats my husband and then getting rude looks and a big attitude from people I say boyfriend and they dont act like I am some type of crazy person or that I need unsolicited advice. Yes you can marry at 16. Statutory rape is something that the parents would have to make a report about. My parents choose to listen to me and weight out my feelings and what was best for my daughter and I. Hahaha on the 4 years for statutory rape. That isnt why we were away from each other. On to the reason why we were away from each other is none of anyone's business if it was I would have posted it. I was looking into be a surrogate mother I was researching it hard. I wish I could have done it but due to the fact that I have had 3 C-sections I wasn't what a person would want because of how costly that can be. I have 3 children because like most people who have more than one child I can take of them. I am stable. I am level headed and take care of everything that my children and myself needs. No one goes with out. Without saying my children have more than most. I would like to not have to defend myself to y'all because I thought this was a place where i could ask a question get a answer or two and not feel like im in high school. I am sorry if I have not answered everyone's question but there are so many things to answer about that I just answered the ones that I could remember when I started typing
beautifuls...
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Littlejen22:
My nice answer...He is 10 and has not seen Dad in 4 years. Well, expect the worst and do not freak out by it...seriously he might be on his best behavior this time because he wants his Dad to love him but expect that he will hate his Dad and you and be a monster and your DH needs to reinforce that he has totally screwed up for the last 4 years and regrets it and will never let it happen again. Trying to tell a 10yo that you could not afford to see him and that Mom did not want him to travel is not enough for him and not fair for him to feel like he is a financial burden to you and your DH, sorry your DH screwed up no matter what financial situation you are in and HE needs to own that. And it would be great for you to bond but the primary goal here is for him to get to know his Dad and for his Dad to get to know him. And remember that not seeing his son for 4 years means that he is not really a parent to this child and it will take time to become one.
Thank you for that. I completely agree.
beautifuls...
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MrsMammay:
beautifulsin90:
I had my daughter at 15 and was married at 16 I had my second child at 17 and my third at 18. My dh is 24 and the BM of my SS is 32. Hence a lot of the problems because minors have to go through a lot more to get custody or even EOW. Especially him because he was a problem child. Because of all the trouble he use to get into he didnt care when he couldnt see his son and now that he is mature he craves a relationship and wants to fix it. When I did the ticker I added in the time we dated and not just the time we have been married. Everything adds up just not the way most would approve of. But all my children have been taken care of. I have had a full time job since 16 and finished school. Graduated with honors and live a comfortable life. So please don't judge me just take time get to know me and see that all I want is to make my step-child comfortable and feel loved like I do with my children.
Did BM go to jail for statutory rape? She was 22 and having sex with a 14 year old boy? That's illegal in every state.
I am not exactly sure how they handled that situation. Due to the fact that with all of that I try not to ask any questions or pry into something that I really dont care about. lol. Im sure I could look on a sex offender website and see. But at this moment I am not sure.
beautifuls...
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xmaryrickx:
I am not trying to be snarky, I swear, I am just curious, why are you on baby number four at 19? Have you not heard of birth control? Do you not know how to use it properly? You are obviously a fertile little turtle, me thinks you need the pill, a condom, a sponge spermicide and hell while you are at it pull and pray please.
I believe you are curious actually this baby and my last were conceived while on the depo shot my last was conceived while on the depo and with the whole trust me thing. lol. I kn ow for my age that 4 children is a lot. But honestly I do feel bad about it or like I made a bad decision on keeping/having any of my children. I really feel like whether i had 4 children now or 10 years from now I would still have four children. I would still have to have a job, pay bills, and drive safely so nothing is really all that different except for how people like to judge. If my children were no being taken care of im sure everyone here has heard of CPS. Im sure I wouldnt have my kids. But like they say everyone didn't like Jesus. lol thanks for not being snarky or rude. Big Smile
beautifuls...
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EmileeKaye:
fauxshelley:
xmaryrickx:
I am not trying to be snarky, I swear, I am just curious, why are you on baby number four at 19? Have you not heard of birth control? Do you not know how to use it properly? You are obviously a fertile little turtle, me thinks you need the pill, a condom, a sponge spermicide and hell while you are at it pull and pray please.
She is using her super-fertile-power for the good of others. She is applying to be a surogate mother.
ETA - And no, I am not kidding. Google her SN. OP, I think that is the most amazing gift that you can give to another person. Good luck with that. Seriously.
Why oh why did I do this. Not only was I able to see the surogate posts, but also her myspace, along with a myspace page for every one of her children who are all 4 and under with almost no private settings on any of them, ugh!
I dont quite see the problem. The myspaces for the kids I think I are super cute my little sister set them up. There adorable.