If you have to ask, the answer is no

gonnabemrsh

That's pretty much what I've been taught my entire life - if you have to ask (i.e. if you are having doubts), then the answer is no (i.e. you shouldn't be doing it.)

Do you think this applies to the wedding world? I've been concerned recently about whether or not this is actually the right thing to do now, and everything I've learned is telling me that if I've got any doubts, then obviously I need to get out of the relationship completely.

The problem is, I don't particularly *want* to get out of the relationship. I'm happy. But things aren't perfect - and if they're *not* perfect, then I shouldn't be getting married, right? Or is it okay to be in an imperfect relationship, and even an imperfect marriage, as long as you're generally happy?

What do you think?

Mrs.Thistletwat

No relationship is perfect. You will have problems, you will fight, you will sometimes really hate things he says or does. If you want perfection then you're in for a long and lonely life.

mrsconn23

If you're having doubts, you should probably take a step back and evaluate.  Have you thought about counseling?

However, keep in mind that nothing will ever be *perfect*.  

gonnabemrsh

Oh and if it makes any difference, the "imperfection" is along the lines of "I sometimes feel underappreciated", not along the lines of "he beats me every night" or something.

Sloane99

More background please. What are you doubting, the relationship in general? The fact that marriage is a big commitment? Are there things you want to do in life that you feel you can't once married?

I disagree that if you have doubts you need to get out of the relationship completely, this isn't that black or white. If you have doubts you need to address them either through yourself, therapy or with your FI and maybe postpone until you're comfortable in your decision.

gonnabemrsh

I guess it's pretty much just doubting whether it's okay to get married if things aren't "perfect"

*Barbie*

you need to look at the severity of the issues and determine if it's something you want to work through and the willingness of both parties to work thorugh. no relationship is perfect. 

why do you feel "unappreciated" - what is making you feel that way, and what would correct the problem for you? have you discussed with your FI?

loveshine1

No relationship, especially not marriage, is going to be perfect. If you think it's going to be, you need to re-evaluate things, because that's just setting yourself up for failure.

I had some doubts before I got married, just like most people do. But I love my husband, I'm committed to our marriage, and I took vows that mean something to me.

There are moments when I want to junkpunch him, and I'm sure there are moments when he'd like to punch me back, but that's marriage. You work through it.

Sloane99

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_ask-answer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:69dd8589-ff76-4c36-a5e9-8cff2bc394c0Post:3753fc0f-79b1-4150-86e0-7cd97a3a4a47">Re: If you have to ask, the answer is no</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess it's pretty much just doubting whether it's okay to get married if things aren't "perfect"
Posted by gonnabemrsh[/QUOTE]

Of course that's okay, but the question is whether the imperfections are things you can live with or deal with as a couple. There's not a single married person on here that has a "perfect" relationship in any capacity.

My DH is a slob and sometimes loud, this annoys me, sometimes he's insensitive without trying - the other side of that is that he's trying hard to keep things neat and clean, I tell him when I need "me" time and he's happy to let me be alone and when I call him on not hearing me out we end up having a great discussion. He has things from his perspective that aren't his ideal either (hard to believe I know).

gonnabemrsh

"There are moments when I want to junkpunch him, and I'm sure there are moments when he'd like to punch me back, but that's marriage. You work through it."

As vivid as that imagery is lol, I guess that's what I was looking for. Like, reassurance I guess that it's okay to still feel that way.

Usually the underappreciated is when I'm doing all these things for him and then he's ignoring me and on his computer playing video games all day. MOST of the time that doesn't bother me - I know that's what he likes to do, and I'm okay with that, but once in awhile a romantic date or something to show that he's actually thinking of me (instead of only his mistress, i.e. computer lol) is nice, you know? It's definitely not something I *want* to end the relationship over, but then I can be stubborn, so I just wanted opinions on whether it's something I *should* end the relationship over.

I have discussed it with him, every time it happens, and he tries - he really does. He'll do something small, and then things'll be fine...but then it happens again later because he forgets. I just wonder if it's okay that it's recurring and it results in "serious discussions" lol - we rarely argue, and even more rarely fight.

I'm probably not even making sense here.

Sloane99

I think every couple has one or two things that constantly come up in their relationship. My parents do and they've been married like 36 years, same discussions over and over and same annoyances that stem from being different people. As for whether or not this is a deal-breaker for you, pretend this never changes, are you going to be okay with it in 5 years, 10 years, when you have kids, etc, etc?

hmonkey

>If you have to ask, the answer is no

that is not correct.  what i think you mean to say is, "if you have to ask, you probably already know the answer."

and if you have the same discussion over and over again with no change, you need to have a different kind of discussion.

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_ask-answer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:69dd8589-ff76-4c36-a5e9-8cff2bc394c0Post:14bf7793-e908-44fd-a3c6-56d77293db20">Re: If you have to ask, the answer is no</a>:
[QUOTE]Usually the underappreciated is when <strong>I'm doing all these things for him and then he's ignoring me and on his computer playing video games all day.</strong> MOST of the time that doesn't bother me - I know that's what he likes to do, and I'm okay with that, but <strong>once in awhile a romantic date or something to show that he's actually thinking of me (instead of only his mistress, i.e. computer lol) is nice, you know?</strong> It's definitely not something I *want* to end the relationship over, but then I can be stubborn, so I just wanted opinions on whether it's something I *should* end the relationship over. <strong>I have discussed it with him, every time it happens, and he tries - he really does. He'll do something small, and then things'll be fine...but then it happens again later because he forgets</strong>
Posted by gonnabemrsh[/QUOTE]

<div>1) what are these things you are doing for him?</div><div>2) what would you like him to do for you (specifically)?</div><div>3) how do the discussions typically go?</div><div>4) what actions does he take when he "tries"?</div><div>
</div><div>ETA - i could probably give you some useful advice on this, but i need to have a better understanding of where you're coming from on this. </div>

Sloane99

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_ask-answer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:69dd8589-ff76-4c36-a5e9-8cff2bc394c0Post:9a9fc36e-7f23-4c70-aede-253bfe6c9850">Re: If you have to ask, the answer is no</a>:
[QUOTE] />and if you have the same discussion over and over again with no change, you need to have a different kind of discussion.
Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

I don't disagree, my point was more that most couples I know have the same annoyances with each other over the years, I don't expect DH to stop being a slob, but I expect him to understand it frustrates me and try to work on it, then a few months later it backslides a bit and I have to bring it up again. *shrugs* I dunno, maybe there's a different approach but it's not terrible enough to make me doubt being with him.

hmonkey

sloane, that's fine if you think that's the price of admission.

but it looks like op is wondering her issues with her fi are too much.

gonnabemrsh

Barbie - here are your answers

1) Just little things mostly, like this weekend he worked really hard on fixing his car so I gave him a whole body massage both nights to make him feel better & when he finished on Sunday I took him out for a steak dinner, I'll be in line at the grocery store and bring home his favorite candy bar to make him smile, I'll stick a note in his lunchbox when I pack his lunch for him in the mornings (ok, maybe that's too mom-like, but he always says he loves it and makes him feel loved hehe). Mostly I just leave him alone to LET him play those computer games he's so fond of, because I know that makes him happy

2) I guess I'd just like him to do SOMETHING without my telling him to, something to show me he's thinking of ME. I guess an example would be to plan a night out - nothing big, but just taking me out to dinner and minigolfing or something fun and silly, but something to show me he's thinking "I want to make her happy, so I'm going to do this for her" instead of always "Hm, I want to sit in front of the computer tonight." That would be a bigger thing, though. Smaller things would be like, on his way home from work, stop and get me a rose or something like that, saying "I love you" out of nowhere. (Wow, I sound really fruity, don't I? haha)

3) The discussions are pretty much how I feel like he doesn't ever think about me, and it makes me sad, and he says he's sorry, and he does think about me, he just doesn't remember to show it, and he wants to do better and he'll try, and he loves me and wants me to be happy, so I say ok, and that's about it. (Oh, and I *have* in fact given him the above specific examples of what I'd like to happenn, so it's not like I'm expecting him to read my mind.)

4)  When he tries...well...um...sometimes the next day he'll try harder to be all sweet and cuddly with me, and once he did actually bring me flowers.  But I mean, he *says* he tries. He says it's really hard, though. I just don't quite understand what's so hard about it, but he gets really upset (not angry, but sad) when I push it, so I try not to push it.

Sloane99

The Five Love Languages is my suggestion

*Barbie*

I'd suggest asking him to limit the time on the computer, and to spend more time with you. Yes, you want him to be happy and enjoy his free time, but you guys need couple time too. 

I'd suggest having a date night/day each week - you can alternate who plans. It's not hard to think of 2 "dates" each month - even if it's just a dinner out, it gives you guys a break from cooking (and takes him away from the computer for a few hours). 

Looking at the types of thing you do for him, I'm guessing that (in part) the reason you are doing these things is because they are things you would like him to reciprocate. You're getting upset because he's not doing these particular things - but what *DOES* he do for you? Does he take care of a lot of household chores? Does he maintain your car? etc. 

... my husband could buy me flowers more often, or little surprises, but i understand that he shows that love and affection in different ways  - i.e. he takes care of most of the chores around the house (i never do yardwork, and he's been doing most of the cleaning, especially since I got pregnant) - he's taking care of me, and letting me relax - and I know that to him, he sees that as more important than little token items. 

... in terms of #3 and #4, you may want to approach this from a different angle than what you have, because it's not working. 

 has he always been this way, or is this a new development? if he has always been this way, then what has changed for you that you no longer feel appreciated? you need to come up with a list, be clear and concise (bullets). have you taken on more responsibility when he hasn't? are you having unrelated issues that are causing you to stress over this? can you fix things on your end - because if he has never been overly demonstrative, he's likely not going to change. if this is the case, you need to determine if this is a dealbreaker for you, and act from there. 

 if this is new behavior for him, what could be the underlying reasons for it? is he under more stress at work/home? if this is something new, then you need to talk to him about what's going on in his life, and if something is bothering him. 

TheDuckis

He's just not that into you. He has no desire to get out of the relationship because he's getting pampered and it's great for him. But he doesn't do things for you because he doesn't want to and he doesn't have to.

gonnabemrsh

He's pretty much always been like this, except when we were first together. The first 6 months or so he was always doing little things like that that I loved, but we've been together for about 4.5 years now and the rest of the time he's been like this, so I'm used to it. I'm not "suddenly" feeling unappreciated, really. It's been a recurring thing over those 4 years, and it just happened again last night so that's why I was thinking about it today and wanted to ask.

I would like him to reciprocate, of course, but I don't do it just so I get something back - I do it because I love him & I want him to be happy.

As far as what he does do...he takes out the trash when I make him lol. He did work on his car this weekend, but that's the first time he's done anything like that, usually we take them places and I pay for everything to do with my car. I take care of all the household chores, and we live in an apartment so there isn't any outdoor maintenance type stuff for him to do.  He'll scratch my back when I go to sleep a lot of times, so that's one sweet thing of course (and I certainly don't mean to sound unappreciative of *him*!) Is that what you meant?

gonnabemrsh

I've actually considered that, Duckis. You really think so?

Sloane99

Okay, now I'm jumping on the "he's just not that into you" train. This is not at all comparable to my situation anymore, or PPs wanting to junkpunch their DHs

You are being used/taken advantage of.

What he does:
1) Works on *his* car
2) Plays video games
3) Takes out the trash, only because you have to ask
4) Sucks up for a day after you mention you're annoyed
5) Scratches your back sometimes before you go to sleep

3/5 benefit just him

What you do:
1) All household chores (this could be at least 10 items on this list)
2) Make his lunch
3) Allow him to spend a crapload of free time doing his hobby
4) Buy him things that make you think of him as well as leaving nice notes
5) Free up even more time for him by paying to get your car fixed
6) Give him full body massages
7) Are generally concerned with his level of happiness

YourAllINeed

Sometimes men can be insensitive, as it is the nature of the beast, lol. Women are the emotional ones. Good luck, sweetie!

gonnabemrsh

Wow, this isn't really verbal abuse, he just doesn't think about doing romantic things for me. He's not some horrible evil guy who leaves me in tears every day or something.

The only real reason he worked on his car himself this time around, and nothing ever really has happened to his car before, is because it was going to cost around $1,000 to fix it at a garage.

I don't really feel "used" or "taken advantage of", really, like I said it's just an occasional thing. If anything, I was afraid *I* was the one being overly sensitive and needed to "grow up and get over it" if you will.

TheDuckis

I think if you want to find out for sure you should stop doing all those little nice things for him and see how he starts acting when you treat him the same way he treats you.

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_ask-answer?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:69dd8589-ff76-4c36-a5e9-8cff2bc394c0Post:791654b7-e56e-466e-a6b4-d389f13333d3">Re: If you have to ask, the answer is no</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, now I'm jumping on the "he's just not that into you" train. This is not at all comparable to my situation anymore, or PPs wanting to junkpunch their DHs You are being used/taken advantage of. What he does: 1) Works on *his* car 2) Plays video games 3) Takes out the trash, only because you have to ask 4) Sucks up for a day after you mention you're annoyed 5) Scratches your back sometimes before you go to sleep 3/5 benefit just him What you do: 1) All household chores (this could be at least 10 items on this list) 2) Make his lunch 3) Allow him to spend a crapload of free time doing his hobby 4) Buy him things that make you think of him as well as leaving nice notes 5) Free up even more time for him by paying to get your car fixed 6) Give him full body massages 7) Are generally concerned with his level of happiness
Posted by Sloane99[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>i'm going to have to agree with Sloane and Duckis - it sounds like at this point he's just taking advantage of you. for me this would be a dealbreaker. </div><div>
</div><div>if you're serious about staying with him, i'd suggest postponing the wedding and looking into counseling, but you're going to have to determine if you can deal with being in a totally one-sided relationship/marriage. it seriously sounds like once he got you where he wanted you (head over heels for him, and doing everything for him) he completely stopped with any effort to make you happy. sucking up for a day or two after you yell at him is not "trying" - you need a sustainable change. 

</div><div>also, my assumption for the reasons that you "rarely fight" is because you're too afraid of losing him if you rock the boat. you keep your mouth shut because you don't want to upset him. </div>

gonnabemrsh

Actually we rarely fight because we rarely have anything to fight about. Sometimes I'll start feeling like this and it'll coincide with the wrong time of the month and it'll come out pretty harsh, and then we fight, but, I don't know, we just don't have things that come up very often that we even disagree on.

gonnabemrsh

Thanks for letting me "talk" this out guys, I'm better now LOL. I love him and I want to be with him, and I don't know what I was thinking, I guess I was just being crazy and weird but after talking about it and thinking about it and everything, I realize I was worrying over nothing. Thanks

TheDuckis

How did you get "worrying over nothing" from the above responses? This is not nothing. But Good luck with your decision. I predict a short marriage.

gonnabemrsh

Mostly I realized from the replies that I was apparently making things overly dramatic in my head because of the intensity of the replies when it's not really that bad. I'm certainly not being verbally abused! Thanks for your vote of confidence on my marriage, but I'm pretty sure I can handle it. It's been 4 years and I'm still *happy* (which I stated previously), I think we'll be okay