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Dad's out!

Ok, this may sound very rude but I don't want my father at my wedding and I don't know how to break the news. I'm 36 and he's not really been involved in my life except to complain that I never come visit or call. I feel that he doesn't deserve to walk me down the isle and also, it would make my entire family on my mothers side where we are to be wed, uncomfortable for him to be there since the reason their divorce was a result of him cheating with his current wife (of 35 years). I was thinking of just telling my dad that we are simply having mini receptions throughout the United States since our family is so dispersed and then going to visit him after the honeymoon. I don't keep in touch with that side of the family at all ... I don't want to.  What do ya'll think? Am I being completely disrespectful or what?

Re: Dad's out!

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    SposatiSposati member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011

    You're a peach.

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    zsazsa-stlzsazsa-stl member
    First Answer 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited December 2011

    So do YOU not want him there or do you feel like your mother and her family don't want him there?  Was he a bad father (other than the whole cheating on your mother thing)?

    image

    I just a friendly gal looking for options.

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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    YOU need to not hold the cheating thing against him.  That was his and your mother's relationship.  Crappy husband =/= crappy dad

    And it's an AISLE.
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    notamrsnotamrs member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_dads-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:6b4cb7ea-d1e3-411d-aa46-e9bb35c11dd3Post:248620d0-5c98-4dca-bf09-35133b63cc07">Re: Dad's out!</a>:
    [QUOTE]And it's an AISLE.
    Posted by mrs.conn23[/QUOTE]

    Thank you.  That makes me crazy.
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    You know, I actually think it's totally okay to hold cheating against a parent.  And I think it's pretty sharty to expect the wronged spouse to be in the same room with the guy who cheated on her and the woman he cheated with, even for a wedding.  I know it's unpopular, but there it is.  If you don't want your kids to think you're a jackass, then don't cheat on their mom and don't marry the mistress.
    image
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    HeffalumpHeffalump member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_dads-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:6b4cb7ea-d1e3-411d-aa46-e9bb35c11dd3Post:65536da8-30e5-426d-8cf2-baab119c6b86">Re: Dad's out!</a>:
    [QUOTE]You know, I actually think it's totally okay to hold cheating against a parent.  And I think it's pretty sharty to expect the wronged spouse to be in the same room with the guy who cheated on her and the woman he cheated with, even for a wedding.  I know it's unpopular, but there it is.  If you don't want your kids to think you're a jackass, then don't cheat on their mom and don't marry the mistress.
    Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]
    As someone whose father cheated on her mother and later married the mistress, I see where Kuus is coming from.  It's a crappy thing to do, and causes a lot of pain.

    If all this happened within the past year or two, then I can see how it would be fresh enough to make things very uncomfortable.  If it's much more than that, then there comes a time when you choose to move on--maybe not forgive, but at least get over it enough for everyone to at least be in the same room together--though obviously not the same pew, table, etc. 

    If the OP doesn't want him there, then that's her call based on their relationship.  I would think twice before completely cutting my dad out of a major life event, but some people do think twice and conclude that that's best for everyone.  If it's more fear of the family's reaction, then they need to all be adults for one day.  They don't have to like him, they just have to coexist for a few hours.
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    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I do see your point, Heffa.  I'd just probably err more on the "f*ck you" side than the getting along side if I didn't care much one way or the other.
    image
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    6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011

    I agree with everything you said Heff, but OP said it's been 35 years. After that long shouldn't you have either forgiven the man or concluded he's a douche and cut him out?

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    mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Well, I see where you're coming from Kuus and Heff. 

    OP is 36 and instead of playing these childish games, she needs to grow up, sort out her feelings, and use her words with her dad, whether or not she does or does not want him there. 
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    DankamieDankamie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yes, "Aisle" you got me, I was planning my getaway at the same time I was writting. My mistake. 

    There's actually a lot of very personal information I didn't put in here dealing with the molestation of me and my sister but since you all are pounding on me like houds instead of actually helping me make a decision ... there it is.

    ... and Sposati ... back at ya. If you have nothing constructive to say, don't bother wasting space. I thought this website was for helping one another though this frantic time.

    Would have been nice for someone to just say "I think you're being disrespectrul. I don't think this is a good enough reason ..." and be done with it. Geez.
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    DankamieDankamie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_dads-out?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:6b4cb7ea-d1e3-411d-aa46-e9bb35c11dd3Post:7ddb2239-a1c9-4b9e-8904-58560b2a4a62">Re: Dad's out!</a>:
    [QUOTE]So do YOU not want him there or do you feel like your mother and her family don't want him there?  Was he a bad father (other than the whole cheating on your mother thing)?
    Posted by zsazsa-stl[/QUOTE]


    Yes, he was a bad father. Never paid child support and my mother had to work so much that I hardly saw her. Lied constantly.  He said he was holding my child support to help me pay for college and promised that if I went to live with him after High School and went to the college across the street he would use the child support to help pay. he also promised to get me a car and help me get a job. He did NONE of those. I was working 2 jobs to try to save up money for college since he said he could only afford to pay for books. He co-signed on a loan for a $1000 car for me (best thing he ever did for me) but made sure it was in his name for "insurance purposes" but I paid for it. When I went into the military, he gave it away to my sister who lived in another state. As for the job ... it was a 30-day holiday temp job at the post office working for his wife who was stealing what she could when she could. My father constantly made sexual advances at me and touched me innapropriately. I moved in with my boyfriend less than 2 months after moving in with him.  So ... that's all of it. And thank you for actually asking for more information before proposing your opinion.
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    DankamieDankamie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Oh yea, and the other night when I told him my Fiance and I got engaged, he said "well ... isn't that special" ... his wife's daughter is getting married in April so that may have something to do with it but I thought that was quite rude. His wife didn't even send me a congratulations email or anything. I sent her an email saying "Did Dad tell you Dan and I got engaged?" and she just replied back "Yes, congratulations ... are you going to do a civil/JOP wedding?" because she had offered to pay me off to do one before. I've never once asked for money, I told her a long time ago that I would never ask for money... in fact, she used to call ME asking to borrow money even when she was fully employed at the post office and I was on unemployment for 5 months. She called three times saying "oh I was pumping gas and the money just flew out of my purse" ...  come on!
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    Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Don't invite him. Don't invite anybody who touched you inappropriately as a child. This is way more significant information than him cheating on your mother and abandoning your family - not to say that isn't hard to deal with - but come on!

    Don't invite him to your wedding.
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