really upset with FMIL, kinda long

[Deleted User]

We've always had issues since we met but they've always been smaller problems.  I always assumed it was the cultural differences (FI is German) and the fact that he's her oldest son and is having problems 'letting go'.  She sent an email to my FI saying that I'm always disrespectful and I'm always provoking her and making her feel horrible... all of which he doesn't understand and has assured me I've done nothing wrong.... but in that same email, she also said, "We will wait until the wedding to first meet her family.  You both have enough work and so much to prepare for the show".  Yes, she said show.  The wedding is in the states and we've been living in Germany the whole time.  They're making the trip to the states (which was another battle in itself) and they wanted to stay at my family's house.  They will be there a whole week before the wedding and they don't even want to meet my family.  My family means the world to me.  Both my FI and I were excited for our families to meet and spend some time together and now she doesn't want to even meet until the wedding day.... (not to mention, that my mom decided to make an early Thanksgiving day dinner for our rehersal dinner so that his family and friends will be able to experience an American tradition.  She has already said in the previous email that she doesn't want anything from my mom.)

 I've tried to put as much German influence in the wedding and reception to make them feel more comfortable but she still says that I don't respect their customs and traditions.  She said all American weddings are just a big show and that's all I want.  Our wedding is in 3 weeks and I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to respond to this.  I always believed a marriage is not only uniting 2 people, it unites 2 families.  And now his family doesn't even want to meet mine. 

My FI is just as hurt as I am but he doesn't want to respond in any way because he doesn't want to throw gas on the fire.  He's always been a momma's boy and this is the first time he's really seen how his mom makes me feel but he still just wants to ignore it and hope that she changes her mind.  I don't think ignoring it will make anything better and will only cause more stress before the wedding. 

Any advice on how to handle this is welcome.

tawillers

I'm not sure I understand the TG dinner in early September.  I also don't understand how your FMIL thought she would stay in your parents' house for a week without meeting them.

Ultimately, this is something your FI should handle.  However, you've already stated he's always been a momma's boy.  You have to decide if you're willing to deal with her treating you this way the rest of her life if he chooses not to stand up to her.  Is that something you can take in stride for the next 30ish years?  Your FMIL will not change her mind.  It's not going to happen and your FI is foolish to think it, since he's known her for his whole life.

Where will you live after the wedding?  Here or in Germany?  If you will be here, it might be easier to put up with her since you wouldn't see her so often.

I've got one hell of a PITA MIL but my DH made her ass sit down long ago.  Every once in a while she tries to stir up schit, but every time, he handles her.  He's on my side, not his mother's.

Heffalump

1.  MILs can be a PITA

2.  Taw is right, this is ultimately your FI's issue to handle, not yours.  If he doesn't (or doesn't do it well), then I would have a good, long think about whether you want a lifetime of this behavior.  Especially if you want kids.  This was a big issue that DH and I had to work through before we were married, because his mother was a handful (to say the least), and he'd spent his whole life trying to placate her.

3.  Half of my family is German, and I used to work with a bunch of Germans at a German company.  They can be really blunt.  I'm sure you know this if you've been living in Germany, but it's still good to keep in mind, especially for something as personal to you as a wedding.

4.  Honestly, American weddings pretty much ARE a big show, but if that's what you and your FI want, then it's not her place to say anything about it.  Your FI needs to tell her to stuff it.

5.  As for meeting your family, I know they're important to you, but clearly they're not important to her.  If she can be cordial to them, that's really all that's required.

I'd really, really focus on #2.  Good luck.

[Deleted User]

Thank you for the advice!  We've been working on how he handles comments from his mom.  I told him before that I couldn't marry someone who wouldn't stand by me and defend me.  This is the first time he's actually grown balls and firmly stood by my side.

We are going to be living in Germany.  I know American weddings can be big shows, but the two German weddings that I've been to have been about the same.

Thanks