Prudie has some doozies today.

mrsconn23

I'll start out with the easiest one. 

Dear Prudence,
I live with my boyfriend, who, in many ways, is a wonderful person—hardworking, smart, and funny. We are constantly butting heads over one thing, however. He is an extreme perfectionist. I’m not messy, but compared with him I’m a slob. He travels often for work, and lately I’ve found myself becoming anxious before he returns. He always notices if something has been put back in the wrong place, if I didn't sweep under the couch, or if I bought the wrong brand of detergent. I make checklists the days before he returns, but there are things I miss. He thinks everything should look the same as how he left it. Should I just hire a maid, or is he being unreasonable?

—Not Cinderella

GBCK

Please say she said DTMF?

mrsconn23

Dear Cinderella,
Here’s a way for the place to look untouched when your boyfriend returns. After you see him off, get your suitcase, pack your things, and move out. If you aren’t ready to do that, before he comes home, forget the checklists and just live your life. When he returns, if he rages, threatens, or gives you the silent treatment, accept that his good qualities do not outweigh that he’s a bully who will make your life a misery. Imagine his reaction to the chaos a child might cause. People like him generally don’t get better; their partners just get more panicked. If he wants a perfect life, let him have one without you.

—Prudie

Nevtali

That's pretty much right. My husband has perfectionist tendencies. We only work because I refuse to get anxious about them. When he gets on my case, I tell him to knock it off. To his credit, he does. If I were a different person (like this woman), though, we could easily be miserable together.

baconsmom

That's not perfectionism. My H is a perfectionist - he berates *himself* when *he* doesn't do things perfectly, and will pass on doing things at all (like organizing) because he'll never be able to get them perfect. 

This is a control issue, and could be the precursor to abuse, either mental or physical. Expecting *her* to be perfect is bullying behavior, not perfectionism. 

MNNEBride

I agree BM - it's a huge difference.