Totally confused!

runningjo916

Ok, I'll try and make this a short story. Me and my fiance live in Texas, where his family also lives. My parents live in North Carolina. None of my other family members live in North Carolina nor did I grow up there. My mom really has her heart set on me having a ceremony and a reception at her house, which is really pretty perfect for a wedding, with gorgeous views of the mountains and the river. It is about 40min from a city and is not incredibly convenient for everyone to get to. It would be complicated logistically, and expensive. On top of all that My fiance's family is of humble means, and it would be a big sacrifice if they came, which probably all of them wont be able to. As far as my family goes everyone will be able to make it no matter where we have it.  My parents have told me that they will pay for the wedding and have given us a budget, and have also told us that if we go under the budget then we can keep whatever is left for a honeymoon or downpayment on a house. 
We want our wedding to be stressfree, simple, easy and cheap in order to have money left over for us.  After having spoken with my fiance we decided the best thing for us to do is to have a small ceremony in March in Texas with just our immediate family and then have a reception there the next day for all of my fiance's family and friends that live close. Then in June (I'm a secondary school teacher and my fiance is a student in college so we would both have off) we would have another "party" (nothing major)  in North Carolina with my family and friends that live closer to North Carolina. 
For a few months I really thought I had it all figured out but then when I went up to spend a month with my parents up in North Carolina my mom started complaining about how we wern't going to have it there. I thought about it and started to add up how much it would cost to have everything up there and it was more than Alfredo and I wanted to spend. It's just so complicated now because my parents are offering us a generous budget but we only want to spend about half or less than half of it on the wedding. I don't want to hurt her feelings because she IS giving us enough to have it up there... but I'm also thinking about my fiance because I know he wants to have his family and friends there and it to be easier on everyone to get to.
My sister thinks I should say "thank you for the money. We will spend it the way we want to, to have the wedding when and were we want to are you ok with that? If not we will pay for it ourselves". 

Queen Jane

Is there a reason that you are having a small ceremony with a reception the next day? That doesn't make much sense to me. The reception is a thank you for whose who witnessed the ceremony. You really should invite everyone to both.

runningjo916

The reason is that I am going to have two receptions, one in North Carolina and one in Texas. If I invite everyone thats going to the reception in Texas to the ceremony in Texas that wouldnt really be fair to the people that are going to come to the reception in North Carolina, or would there even be reason to have a reception in North Carolina. Plus don't see it as a  thank you for everyone that went to the ceremony. I see it as a party a celebration that we go married. I also love the idea of having only immediate family involved for a more intimate ceremony, and then being able to get away and be alone with my husband for a night before the commotion of the reception.

Queen Jane

Ok, well great if you see it that way, but a reception is, in fact, a thank you to those who witnessed the ceremony. You can still invite everyone in NC, even though you think they can't come. Our wedding is in Louisiana and my family is in New York, but I still invited them to everything. Then have a celebration party later for those who couldn't make it.

redheadtmk

I also dont understand why you want the reception the next day. As PP said, the reception is a thank you for those who came to the ceremony. Having a reception the next day for people who didnt come to the ceremony seems very gift grabby and/or attention whorish. Its rude to invite people to any party regarding the wedding (bridal showere, bachelorett, reception) who are not invited to the ceremony.

As for where you have the ceremony I always lean towards what is convenient for the most people (or for most of the important people ie immediate family). It sounds like having it in Texas works for a majority if not everyone. You should just tell your mother you appreciate the offer but its just not feasible for his side of the family.

DG1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_totally-confused?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:6fcaa55e-0259-4a45-a6bb-8bb8d00757b4Post:4bd47407-3394-4c75-a7dc-711493e4f4a3">Totally confused!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok, I'll try and make this a short story. Me and my fiance live in Texas, where his family also lives. My parents live in North Carolina. None of my other family members live in North Carolina nor did I grow up there. My mom really has her heart set on me having a ceremony and a reception at her house, which is really pretty perfect for a wedding, with gorgeous views of the mountains and the river. It is about 40min from a city and is not incredibly convenient for everyone to get to. It would be complicated logistically, and expensive. On top of all that My fiance's family is of humble means, and it would be a big sacrifice if they came, which probably all of them wont be able to. As far as my family goes everyone will be able to make it no matter where we have it.  My parents have told me that they will pay for the wedding and have given us a budget, and have also told us that if we go under the budget then we can keep whatever is left for a honeymoon or downpayment on a house.  We want our wedding to be stressfree, simple, easy and cheap in order to have money left over for us.  After having spoken with my fiance we decided the best thing for us to do is to have a small ceremony in March in Texas with just our immediate family and then have a reception there the next day for all of my fiance's family and friends that live close. Then in June (I'm a secondary school teacher and my fiance is a student in college so we would both have off) we would have another "party" (nothing major)  in North Carolina with my family and friends that live closer to North Carolina.  For a few months I really thought I had it all figured out but then when I went up to spend a month with my parents up in North Carolina my mom started complaining about how we wern't going to have it there. I thought about it and started to add up how much it would cost to have everything up there and it was more than Alfredo and I wanted to spend. It's just so complicated now because my parents are offering us a generous budget but we only want to spend about half or less than half of it on the wedding. I don't want to hurt her feelings because she IS giving us enough to have it up there... but I'm also thinking about my fiance because I know he wants to have his family and friends there and it to be easier on everyone to get to. My sister thinks I should say "thank you for the money. We will spend it the way we want to, to have the wedding when and were we want to are you ok with that? If not we will pay for it ourselves". 
Posted by runningjo916[/QUOTE]

I'm with your sister. The money either comes with strings or it doesn't.  And if getting the whole venue for free opens up the budget to cover some of your FI's family's travel expenses, that might make things more feasible for having it up there (IF that's what you and Alfredo want).

I also don't get the separate reception thing, but whatever. It's your wedding. You can easily have them on the same day and still just invite a few people to the ceremony and a lot of people to the reception.

kelleyah

I wanted to provide a counter-opinion, as I'm doing a similar thing for our wedding.  We're getting married at City Hall, which can only accommodate our immediate families.  We're then having a few smaller parties in three cities we've previously lived in -- we get to see some of our favorite cities, we're still throwing great parties for everyone, and because they are smaller parties, we'll get to spend a fair amount of time with everyone who attends. No expectation of gifts (we have everything we need, as we've lived on our own for a while) -- just great parties with people we love.

I think the idea that a reception is a thank you for people who attended the ceremony is fine, but in this instance, you aren't asking people to attend the ceremony and then not come to the reception. Instead, you are "thanking" people regardless of whether they attended the ceremony.

The money thing is between you and your mom, and you should think about whether it is something she'll be flexible on.  Perhaps tell her that if you have everything in NC, then your fiance's family won't all be able to attend -- to me, that seems like something a mom should be sensitive to, as if the tables were turned, I'm sure she'd appreciate it if you accommodated her financial situation.  But ultimately, your parents are making you an incredibly generous offer, and it might ruffle some feathers if you take your sister's approach.

runningjo916

Thanks so much, I'm glad someone understands. I just feel like if I invite EVERYONE to the ceremony then I would be asking people to travel to Texas and then on top of that ask people to come to North Carolina for another reception. It just doesn't make sense to me.  If I did it that way I would just have to forget about doing something in North Carolina, there would be no point. One of my mothers concerns is that she thinks that people won't come to the reception in North Carolina if I have it 3 months after I get married, which is what we are planning (Texas in March, NC in June). She also feels that shes getting "the short end of the stick" by us having the ceremony in NC last and 3 months later. The reason why we are having it that way is because I'm a teacher and I'll have the summer off. I guess I could do everything in the summer (TX and NC) but I'm afraid it will be too stressfull for me to plan.
I feel like my situation is really different from a typical brides because my fiance's family all lives in Texas, and they don't have much money, and to top it off they all speak Spanish (many are bilingual). So its a multicultural wedding too.   I'm not an attention whore like stated above, I just think it's a perfect solution for all of this since we do really want to party with our friends and family but we want two receptions in order to accomodate everyone. If I invite everyone to the ceremony there goes my idea of having two receptions.