Cold Feet and the "What if?" game.

erinlrauh

So my wedding is awhile away. My fiance and I have been together 2 years, but living together almost 3. We fell in love as roommates. Leading up to our engagement I was never more sure about how much I loved him and wanted to be his wife. Now that the wedding planning is underway, I was excited. We got the big stuff done early (venue, food dress all set) so now I have nothing urgent to deal with for a good 6 months. Due to our schedules, we don't have full days off together I see him a few hours a day at best. I've started thinking "what if I don't love him enough to marry him?" I can't see a life without him and certainly don't want to be with anyone else so why is this nagging question in my head? Can you have cold feet this far out? Is it just a matter of not enough time together? He and don't have any together hobbies and the TV is on when we're together. Do we just need to interact more? Please tell me this is normal and not signs of bad things....

Lyds85

its natural to worry about your wedding and getting married. try to relax and spend some time with your fiance!

lifeonthehill

FI and I are currently living apart due to work and haven't seen eachother except for three or four hours in over a month. We are both going through the same feelings you are. I honestly think it is not spending enough time together for me and FI and I bet that's whats going on for you.

For me when we aren't together for long periods of time like this doubt creeps in and he and I just talk it out. There is nothing we can do about it right now but hopefully after the wedding we will be able to be living together again.

Good luck! Try and do more things with him but if you can't then you should do more things with friends. I have been doing more dinner nights and I am signing up for a quilting class at JoAnn Fabrics to fill my time. 

erinlrauh

What scares me is that I'm used to him being away. I am going to try and be more social, and see if we can't develop some more "together" hobbies. He's an outdoorsman who hunts and fishes, and I'm a musical theatre and glee nerd that's never been camping. Any ideas coed hobbies? I've tried his, he's been to plays with me, but I want something that's us. Sigh.

beardownbchs

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_cold-feet-and-the-what-if-game?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:7207f7b7-3cac-40fb-a66d-15c815d7ce18Post:8b2aa01b-b69f-4804-bf00-6920e081258c">Re:Cold Feet and the quot;What if?quot; game.</a>:
[QUOTE]What scares me is that I'm used to him being away. I am going to try and be more social, and see if we can't develop some more "together" hobbies. He's an outdoorsman who hunts and fishes, and I'm a musical theatre and glee nerd that's never been camping. Any ideas coed hobbies? I've tried his, he's been to plays with me, but I want something that's us. Sigh.
Posted by erinlrauh[/QUOTE]

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</div><div>My FI and I are pretty similar. His favorite things to do are hunt, fish and play bass. I don't like to see things die and fishing sucks. I can't even play air guitar. </div><div>
</div><div>I've found that I like some outdoorsey stuff for a few hours - wild animals are pretty cool. </div><div>I know this sounds lame, but we go on walks together (can't really call it a hike in suburban Chicago) and we have forest preserves and we walk around in there and watch birds nest and things like that. There's nothing to do but talk to each other when you're just walking down a trail. FI has taken me to where he hunts for ducks and geese just to watch the birds. I loved it.</div><div>
</div><div>We also cook together. Well, I cook and he gets in my way. But it's nice. We talk and figure out what we both like and we have a lot of fun. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm not sure where you live, but look for random things going on in your city that may not be super interesting to either of you, but would be fun to do together. FI and I just went to the auto show. Neither of us are particularly into cars and not shopping for a new one, but it was something to do together. It was fun to go downtown, wander around the auto show, go to lunch - we made a day of it. We went to the art museum even though we hate art. We had a blast. We go to flea markets, the zoo, just random things together because laying on the couch watching TV together all the time isn't really being together at all. </div><div>
</div><div>And make it a point to turn off the TV during dinner. This was FI's idea and we really love it. </div><div>
</div><div>Good luck to you - it's totally normal to have cold feet - no matter how far out. </div>

anssett

If there are no things you like to do together, what made you fall in love in the first place? That may hold a key to moving forward together. Or may signal that this is a big mistake. I don't know. I do know that I'm also having moments of OH MY GOD IS THIS RIGHT???? AM I GOING TO RUIN EVERYTHING???? It's normal. There is no one I'd rather spend my time with than him, and no one I trust more to support me, love me, protect me, and grow with me in life. I win. This is right. Only you know if that's true for you.

bfsboo

It's completely normal to have those moments. My FI and I don't have a whole lot in common either as far as interests go but when you start your life together, THAT will be what you have in common.    Also, it's good to know that others get that panicky "what if what I'm doing is wrong?" feeling! I get them too but I remind myself how much I love him and how natural our relationship has been from the beginning. I can't imagine ever being with anyone else either so bring on the wedding!!

nycrose2013

I get a little bit like that sometimes, but more in the vein of "omg i will never have the butterflies of a first kiss again! No anxious waiting for someone to call! We will get bored of each other!!"

I think its normal, because you are making such a huge commitment when you are relatively young. I am 25, and I sometimes think wow, we will still be together when I am 42, 56, 65 etc. You can't predict how things will go, you just really have to take that leap of faith that you will grow and change together. Honestly, I think anyone who goes into marriage without even a little fear is kind of dumb, because they must not be grasping the magnitude of it.

I make myself feel better by reminding myself of how awesome we are together, how fun we are, how our personalities are so complimentary, and how he makes me laugh. I know he will be an amazing father and family member to me. He is responsible and strong and makes me better. So that makes up for the fear.

Basically, I think its normal to be a little scared

erinlrauh

I want you all to know I took all of this to heart. Its a huge relief to know I'm not a horrible person by having these concerns. its been better with us. We're keeping the TV off more, talking. My doubts still creep up from time to time but then I force myself to think about life without him, trying to find someone else that loves me and makes me feel as safe as he does...and I'm certain that isn't what I want. Its not perfect, because we're still struggling with being apart so much. But I've been working on keeping myself busier, because I realized that all I ever did was wait for him to come home with the TV on and that's no way to live. He's the right man, the right father for my future kids, the right person to handle me, because honestly even when I wasn't a future bride, I'm a little nuts. I trust him, he makes me laugh, he doesn't just tell me what I want to hear. And when I think of our wedding I still see it clearly, and know that there isn't anyone else I'd want waiting for me at the end of the aisle. We're a little less than a year out now, even if my nerves dont go away completely, leading up to it after I'm his wife and its all done, the anxiety of it all will fade away.