Wedding Woes
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Not that it will happen, but what if...

I have a scenario that has been running through my head the past few weeks and was wondering if someone could either convince me this won't happen or if it will, how to deal with it:

FI's parents are supper Catholic and are both peeved that FI is atheist.  I'm spiritual at the most but not religious.  We will not have anyone religious marrying us.  This does not sit well AT ALL with his parents.

FMIL has continuously suggested that I at least get a non-denominational minister to marry us, so at least she and her husband can feel good about God being in here somewhere.  FFIL is threatening not to come to the ceremony because of this.  (good, I say!)

Well, my cousin has offered to get ordained and marry us for free!  I'm am delighted and so is FI.  But, when FMIL asks if I have an official yet, I just say "yes, it's all taken care of".

They won't know who is actually marrying us until my cousin walks in and starts the ceremony.  Surprise!  What are the chances that they will make a scene then?  I can very very very much picture FFIL standing up and walking out - and even saying something (yep, he's that kind of guy). 

So - might this happen?  Do I tell FILs about my cousin and deal with the argument now?  And if something does happen during the ceremony, how would I handle the situation?  OR am I just worrying too much about this (which I tend to do)

FYI - FILs are not contributing a dime to the wedding - no pay , no say!
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Re: Not that it will happen, but what if...

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    VarunaTTVarunaTT member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, FI needs to deal with this.  "Sorry Mom and Dad, we want you there, this is how we want to be married.  Time to nut up and shut up".  Or something along those lines and politely.
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    edited December 2011
    His approach to his parents is "oh well, if they don't like it they can stay home".  We don't take crap from his parents (and they do dish it out) but they are also very nice people...who just want things to always go their way.

    Which is fine.  I just keep thinking "What if they make a scene right then and there"  or "Would they?"


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    6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I don't think it's fair to the parents to spring this on them.  Tell them now and deal with the fallout. 

    Besides, won't they figure it out at the rehearsal?  They will feel even more hurt, betrayed, and lied to then. 
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_not-will-happen-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:7d1d03c2-774b-442e-9a0c-b23e42030a8cPost:2c37b5f3-6fcb-40b1-9f26-01aa2274b773">Re: Not that it will happen, but what if...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think it's fair to the parents to spring this on them.  Tell them now and deal with the fallout.  Besides, won't they figure it out at the rehearsal?  They will feel even more hurt, betrayed, and lied to then. 
    Posted by 6fsn[/QUOTE]

    Well, we aren't going to have a rehearsal so there is no worry there.
    As far as being hurt or betrayed - I'm not sharing my wedding details with them because it's none of their business.  I've learned that if I don't want to hear people's opinions on things, I just don't tell them.
    And they wouldn't be lied to as we have not lied to them.  Yes, I have found someone to marry us.  That is taken care of.

    I know if we let them know now who is marrying us, it will be a fight and argument for the next 6 months.  I'm hoping that they are mature enough to keep their mouths shut during the ceremony.  Once the wedding is over I can deal with the fallout - we would already be married so what's the damage?   They aren't going to approve any way no matter when they find out.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_not-will-happen-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:7d1d03c2-774b-442e-9a0c-b23e42030a8cPost:0f254d39-257c-4cdf-814f-141385330204">Re: Not that it will happen, but what if...</a>:
    [QUOTE]are they the kind of people who normally make scenes?
    Posted by Wifezzilla[/QUOTE]

    Sometimes yes, sometimes no.  I have seen them make big scenes at restaurants over really dumb things (they don't have the salad dressing they like...). 

    I do know that his father drinks a great deal.  I have never seen him very drunk very often but I do worry that he might have a few too many before and not have the good sense around him anymore to not make a scene. 

    I don't see his mother doing anything during the ceremony.  She's more of the "talk about it behind their back" kind of person.  I don't mind that.

    If we tell them now, there will be snide remarks made constantly until the wedding.  His dad already tells FI's little cousins that we are going to hell because we don't believe in Jesus.    He just does annoying inappropriate stuff like that and it has me a bit worried.
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    6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011

    You know they are going to ask about it.  Are you just going to lie for 6 months?  Tell them.

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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_not-will-happen-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:7d1d03c2-774b-442e-9a0c-b23e42030a8cPost:cd40a3e7-9cae-4774-a21d-d99931b74e27">Re: Not that it will happen, but what if...</a>:
    [QUOTE]You know they are going to ask about it.  Are you just going to lie for 6 months?  Tell them.
    Posted by 6fsn[/QUOTE]

    Well, if they ask who, I'll tell them - I've never lied to them and don't intend to.

    All she asked so far was "did you find someone yet" and I said "yes".

    I think I will be opening a can of worms if we said at dinner tonight "hey, so my cousin is going to marry us".   Maybe I can convince FI to sit them down and let them know - but he doesn't feel they need to know as it's not their business and he doesn't want to hear about it for 6 months. 
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    6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011

    It's your wedding and your soon to be family.  It still sounds mean and childish to me.

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    MNNEBrideMNNEBride member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I think it is respectful (and adult) for your FI to tell them the next time it comes up.  Then there are no surprises on your wedding day.  If they choose not to respond in a respectful way, then it's on them. 
    image
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    edited December 2011
    6fsn - I don't see this as mean and childish at all.  I'm trying to figure out which is the better way around this to reduce arguments that will happen.

    MNNE - Yeah, if it comes up we can let them know but otherwise I'm not going to approach the topic myself.   My major concern is that they will be shocked at that moment and I'm worried about the outcome.  I'm guessing telling them before the wedding is the only way to reduce the chance of a scene.  We can just let them know when it's a few weeks out so there will be less time to listen to complaints!

    I can deal with the threats of not coming and the complaints we will get from them, but I wouldn't know what to do if I was standing in front of all my guests and my FFIL stands up to make a scene!
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    6fsn6fsn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment
    edited December 2011

    Mean- not telling his parents until the last second and expecting them not to react.  Not respecting them enough to take their feelings into consideration and letting them know ahead of time.

    Childish- ignoring a problem until the last possible second.  Not standing up for your wants and beliefs.

    I'm not saying you should do things differently or that it's wrong to use the cousin.  I'm just saying you should treat these people with some respect. 

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    MNNEBrideMNNEBride member
    First Comment 5 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I agree with Zilla and 6.  Also, this is only going to be the first of many similar topics that are going to come up where his parents are going to disagree with your choices (think children & baptism and other sacraments).  You and your FI need to be able to respond  to them respectfully when they disagree. 
    image
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    edited December 2011
    Waiting until the last possible second to tell them will only serve to create the drama you claim to so desperately want to avoid.
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    edited December 2011
    I've actually had a discussion with his father and we both agreed that we will always disagree about the religion thing and our kids.  He said he's not happy about it and will not approve of our kids being raised without a religion.   I responded that those are just things we will disagree on because FI and I are not going to become Catholic.

    I guess telling them now is the only way to prevent something from happening during the wedding.  I still hold the belief that they really don't have any business knowing any details about the wedding.  But if it will prevent an incident, I'll have FI do it.  They are his parents, after all.  My parents are so laid back on matters such as this that I really have little patience for his parents' arguments that we must be married Catholic just "because we have to".
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    edited December 2011
    and 6, while I know his parents need to be treated with respect, I also feel FI and I need to be treated with respect in our choice of faith by his parents.

    It is very insulting when comments are made about us and to us and I do get very hurt when I constantly have to defend my beliefs.
    So it has come down to just not telling them things to try and keep the peace, which I realize really can't happen in this situation because they will find out one way or another.
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    Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If it helps my SUPAH HARDCORE BORN AGAIN SOUTHERN BAPTIST father took it in stride when my minister (a woman: gasp horror panic shock) did not mention anything about hell, fire, damnation, owning your partner, etc. He even admitted she was wonderful.

    Then again she was still a spiritual minister - but hey, miracles happen.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_not-will-happen-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:7d1d03c2-774b-442e-9a0c-b23e42030a8cPost:ffd691a1-ead9-428c-821a-e43b5dc8c880">Re: Not that it will happen, but what if...</a>:
    [QUOTE]If it helps my SUPAH HARDCORE BORN AGAIN SOUTHERN BAPTIST father took it in stride when my minister (a woman: gasp horror panic shock) did not mention anything about hell, fire, damnation, owning your partner, etc. He even admitted she was wonderful. Then again she was still a spiritual minister - but hey, miracles happen.
    Posted by Butter Cookie[/QUOTE]

    I'm always uncomfortable at weddings where those things are mentioned - the wife being owned by her husband, to obey

    But to some it's good.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_not-will-happen-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:7d1d03c2-774b-442e-9a0c-b23e42030a8cPost:d01370df-811a-4c01-bf65-a5a8d8a5f2da">Re: Not that it will happen, but what if...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not that it will happen, but what if... : I'm always uncomfortable at weddings where those things are mentioned - the wife being owned by her husband, to obey But to some it's good.
    Posted by M&R7111[/QUOTE]

    It's okay with some because they understand what it actually means. I am not owned by my husband. I do not own my husband. If you chose not to subscribe to any particular faith, at least let it be an informed decision.
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    Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Meh - the wording offends me and I'm not a religious person. But I'm sorry if I offended you.
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_not-will-happen-but?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:7d1d03c2-774b-442e-9a0c-b23e42030a8cPost:699134e3-d79d-459f-b7c9-a059a7d6b40c">Re: Not that it will happen, but what if...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Meh - the wording offends me and I'm not a religious person. But I'm sorry if I offended you.
    Posted by Butter Cookie[/QUOTE]

    Ditto this. :)
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    edited December 2011
    I'm really shocked that no one here has taken any offense to the parents' behaviors. Telling little kids their cousins are going to hell? Really?? Ugh, it's things like that, that give religious people a bad name.

    I totally understand where you're coming from, and the hesitation to stir the pot. That said, I think the deeper issue is your ILs total disrespect for you (and their son's) decisions about how you choose to live your life. It's your wedding, your marriage, and your soon-to-be family. If they can't appreciate that, and be trusted to let you have your day and support you I would seriously reconsider inviting them to begin with.

    I'd suggest talking to them, in general, about how you don't appreciate being demonized just for having different beliefs or opinions. That said, hopefully you can get to a better place with them, one where you're less afraid of outbursts.

    I wholeheartedly agree with you about not rushing to tell them about your choice of officiant, it's your wedding and the details you choose to share is completely in your hands. Just let them know (without laying out your entire ceremony) that the wedding may not be exactly what they'd have chosen, but is best for you and your future hubby and that you hope that they'll at least respect that and let you two have your day. If they can't promise to respect your right to make decisions about your own wedding (especially considering the fact they aren't contributing to it) then they should reconsider attending. You want a day of happiness and joy. You shouldn't need to be stressing about family drama.

    As someone who knows a thing or two about familes who have no qualms with making scenes, the best is to just be firm and upfront. If they are not going to respect your decision, and appreciate the fact that they are sharing a very intimate and special moment in YOUR life then honeslty they have no right being involved.

    You have enough things to stress about. Nasty gossiping parents, who think you're going to hell should definitely not be allowed into your little circle of peace.

    Cheers, and I hope your wedding goes off exactly the way you and your fiance dream :D
     
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