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Wedding Woes

Bachelor Party Woe's

First my fiance brother didn't plan his bachelor party so he basically had to plan it himself.  His groomsmen asked him what he wanted and it was to go Paintball, Steakhouse than back to the House to play cards.  I thought it was a wonderful idea and it made me feel comfortable.  Now I just found out that one of the groomsmen talked him into going out to bars after the Steakhouse.  I am very uncomfortable with that.  My last fiance and I split when he went out for his bachelor party and ended up hooking up with someone else.  Needless to say I wouldn't have found out except she became pregnant.  He had planned his party six weeks in advance so at least we had time to call everything off.  Now my current fiance when he goes out and drinks (which he doesn't really do anymore) he gets to the point where he black outs.  I can't help worrying that the same thing is going to happen to me all over again.  How do I get thru this?

Re: Bachelor Party Woe's

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_bachelor-party-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8129d2d2-4792-477f-9f04-e844193c5b67Post:e735bf92-e535-48e9-9aad-8af5c69065bb">Bachelor Party Woe's</a>:
    [QUOTE]First my fiance brother didn't plan his bachelor party so he basically had to plan it himself.  His groomsmen asked him what he wanted and it was to go Paintball, Steakhouse than back to the House to play cards.  I thought it was a wonderful idea and it made me feel comfortable.  Now I just found out that one of the groomsmen talked him into going out to bars after the Steakhouse.  I am very uncomfortable with that.  My last fiance and I split when he went out for his bachelor party and ended up hooking up with someone else.  <strong>Needless to say I wouldn't have found out except she became pregnant.  </strong>He had planned his party six weeks in advance so at least we had time to call everything off.  Now my current fiance when he goes out and drinks (which he doesn't really do anymore) he gets to the point where he black outs.  I can't help worrying that the same thing is going to happen to me all over again.  How do I get thru this?
    Posted by ariksteph[/QUOTE]

    This is not something that does not need to be said.

    Also, I can see your concern. Have you expressed your feelings to your fiance? Also, shouldn't he be in AA if he has a history of drinking to black-outs?

    And what kind of friends would encourage that kind of behavior?

    You should talk to him about how you feel. You have legitimate concerns, not overbearingbitch issues (it sounds like.)

    If he brushes you off you should rethink the engagement to someone who doesn't respect your concerns, because clearly his friends don't have his best interest at heart. 
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Drinking to black out stage is bigger than a bachelor party.  You need to address this with your fiance outside of the wedding thoughts.  Given your history your fiance should understand why this would make you uncomfortable.  He needs to put you before his friends and one night.
  • ncole30ncole30 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011


    I am most likely gonna get fussed at but are you having a bachelorette party? You have to have trust. I understand your feelings as my last finace cheated on me but you can't hold that over him. Now the drinking thing is worrysome but set limits or ask if you can go as couples to the bar. You have to trust him  just as he has to trust you if you cant trust each other then maybe you should both move on. Its kind of a right of passage for people to have  "last"nite out. Wish you luck - this is kinda sticky

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  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I was just going to ask what belongs to Bachelor Party Woe, and what kind of a name is that, and then I planned to attack your ridiculous random capitalization, but, man. After the canceled marriage to the guy knocking up random chicks and your alcoholic current fiance, I just don't have it in me. It'd be like beating up the retarded kid. 


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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_bachelor-party-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:8129d2d2-4792-477f-9f04-e844193c5b67Post:b8d2c21f-d474-4f24-aef9-8bad2a3d7dd2">Re: Bachelor Party Woe's</a>:
    [QUOTE]Drinking to black out stage is bigger than a bachelor party.  You need to address this with your fiance outside of the wedding thoughts.  Given your history your fiance should understand why this would make you uncomfortable.  He needs to put you before his friends and one night.
    Posted by 6fsn[/QUOTE]

    This exactly. If I had a history like yours, I would hope that my FI wouldn't be planning anything bar related at all, but since he is, you need to talk to him about it. Also, drinking until he blacks out is not healthy or responsible behavior. His friends should not be promoting this behavior in any way by asking him to go to a bar. I think you have legitimate concerns here, so talk to him.

    I do think it's not fair to hold your past over your FI's head, but I can understand why it would be difficult to be comfortable with the idea of him going to a bar. Good luck!
  • cwcottagecwcottage member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Normally trust issues should be in place but with this brides past experiance I would hope her fiance would be understanding and respect her request. I can't imagine the stress this is causing her. Totally a dark cloud over what should be one of the happiest times of her life. Good luck to you. Keep us posted.
  • cwcottagecwcottage member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Glad to see someone help back from a mean post. Thank you for doing that. This girl is going through enough right now.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_bachelor-party-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8129d2d2-4792-477f-9f04-e844193c5b67Post:8fc4fba7-5a17-40f5-94c9-d67d3dcf62b4">Re: Bachelor Party Woe's</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am most likely gonna get fussed at but are you having a bachelorette party? You have to have trust. <strong>I understand your feelings as my last finace cheated on me but you can't hold that over him</strong>. Now the drinking thing is worrysome but set limits or ask if you can go as couples to the bar. You have to trust him  just as he has to trust you if you cant trust each other then maybe you should both move on. Its kind of a right of passage for people to have  "last"nite out. Wish you luck - this is kinda sticky
    Posted by ncole30[/QUOTE]

    When the man has a history of not knowing when to stop, and drinking to the point of actually blacking out, it's definitely a legitimate concern. If he was an occasional drinker and knew his limits she would be out of line but clearly he does not, and I'm quite sure a bachelor party isn't going to be the time he practices willpower.
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  • edited December 2011
    Yeah, drinking to the point of blacking out is definitely a major concern. I'd worry about that before I'd worry about the party.  Alcoholism is a deal breaker for me.
  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_bachelor-party-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:8129d2d2-4792-477f-9f04-e844193c5b67Post:8fc4fba7-5a17-40f5-94c9-d67d3dcf62b4">Re: Bachelor Party Woe's</a>:
    [QUOTE]I am most likely gonna get fussed at but are you having a bachelorette party? You have to have trust. I understand your feelings as my last finace cheated on me but you can't hold that over him. Now the drinking thing is worrysome but set limits or ask if you can go as couples to the bar. You have to trust him  just as he has to trust you if you cant trust each other then maybe you should both move on. Its kind of a right of passage for people to have  "last"nite out. Wish you luck - this is kinda sticky
    Posted by ncole30[/QUOTE]

    Nice.  Her FI drinks to the point of blacking out, and the solution is to...trust?  Reading comprehension FAIL.

    OP, he needs help.  I don't mean that in a judgy way, but surely you can see that his behavior is neither normal nor healthy.  And if he doesn't want to address his problem, then please think long and hard about whether you want to be married to someone who is, at best, a problem drinker.
  • LnR70707LnR70707 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_bachelor-party-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:8129d2d2-4792-477f-9f04-e844193c5b67Post:39dc9c32-313c-4924-b2f0-7a799955d766">Re: Bachelor Party Woe's</a>:
    [QUOTE]Glad to see someone help back from a mean post. Thank you for doing that. This girl is going through enough right now.
    Posted by cwcottage[/QUOTE]

    We are never mean to someone who has a legitimate problem.
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  • cwcottagecwcottage member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_bachelor-party-woes?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:8129d2d2-4792-477f-9f04-e844193c5b67Post:c3024262-7a1c-4bd5-bd4b-33aa218d6600">Re: Bachelor Party Woe's</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelor Party Woe's : We are never mean to someone who has a legitimate problem.
    Posted by L&R70707[/QUOTE]

    I beg to differ. I am not familiar with your responses personally. The replies here were constructive and with concern. I have been reading (many) posts that were not the case at all so that's why I wanted to acknowledge this. You can see baconsmom was going to get snippy or whatever but held back. Often is not the case and that's sad when someone is going through a tough time.
  • edited December 2011
    Hey, I'm sorry you are going through that. I am in a similar situation. My ex husband cheated on me and my fiance is the same way as yours is when he is drinking and so I really don't want his friends throwing him a bachelor party at a strip club.  I trust him but when it comes to drinking and blacking out that's when i get concerned and am not as trusting. I think you have every right to feel the way you do and they should respect that. Talk to them, maybe you can all go out together, that's what I'm trying to get my fiance to do. Goodluck!
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