Wedding Woes

Grown children????

My guy has three children over the age of 18... No troubles from the daughter. She is lovely. But the 20 year old boys..sigh. I can't do anything right. I cook, they won't eat. I listen to music, they don't like it, I bought halloween decorations, they don't like them. Every day it's something new that I have done wrong or I'm not doing right. My man is strong and holds me because he knows it upsets me, and I dont want to come between him and his kids, but by the same token, I'm not willing to let him go. I'm in a mess.
We are in our 50's for petes sake...can't we have our time for happiness?
It's sad that when one of the boys is nice to me, I know the other one is standing behind him ready with another knife for my back or a punch to the gut.
Just venting....
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Re: Grown children????

  • They're 20...not quite adults, but still wanting respect like adults.  Just give them space and time.  Let them come to you.  Forcing yourself on people is the worst way to go (though you didn't indicate you were forcing at all).

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_grown-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:87f343bc-49a6-4ae5-93e5-8f1806dbf3c7Post:4fd3e235-220b-46e5-95fb-4191ead4fb63">Grown children????</a>:
    [QUOTE]My guy has three children over the age of 18... No troubles from the daughter. She is lovely. But the 20 year old boys..sigh. I can't do anything right. I cook, they won't eat. I listen to music, they don't like it, I bought halloween decorations, they don't like them. Every day it's something new that I have done wrong or I'm not doing right. <strong><u>My man is strong and holds me because he knows it upsets me, and I dont want to come between him and his kids, but by the same token, I'm not willing to let him go. I'm in a mess. We are in our 50's for petes sake...can't we have our time for happiness?</u></strong> It's sad that when one of the boys is nice to me, I know the other one is standing behind him ready with another knife for my back or a punch to the gut. Just venting....
    Posted by calliou2[/QUOTE]

    Your "man" needs to talk to his kids.  He needs to stand up and set the standard what is acceptable behavior from them toward you in his household.    The problem isn't the kids, it's the man.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_grown-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:87f343bc-49a6-4ae5-93e5-8f1806dbf3c7Post:44051635-fe8e-4c0a-9208-87501481777a">Re: Grown children????</a>:
    [QUOTE]They're 20...not quite adults, but still wanting respect like adults.  Just give them space and time.  Let them come to you.  Forcing yourself on people is the worst way to go (though you didn't indicate you were forcing at all).
    Posted by **O-Face**[/QUOTE]

    <div>i had the same takeaway - it seems like you are forcing yourself on them - trying to "mother" them.</div><div>
    </div><div>they're essentailly adults, and probably resent your presence. </div><div>
    </div><div>you should back off the "one big happy family" train and focus on your relationship with your "man" - if they want to have a relationship with you, it will need to develop over time. </div><div>
    </div><div>you don't mention how rcenet the divorce/death of mother/etc. was or how long you have been in a relationship with the dad. for all we know you had an affair with the dad that ended the marriage, and the kids resent the hell out of you for it. </div>
  • Why are you buying Halloween decorations for 20 year old "children"? I agree that your husband is the one that needs to step up here, but is he capable of that if you are still you two are still cooking and cleaning for these "children"? I'm guessing they live with you?
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    I just a friendly gal looking for options.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_grown-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:87f343bc-49a6-4ae5-93e5-8f1806dbf3c7Post:4fd3e235-220b-46e5-95fb-4191ead4fb63">Grown children????</a>:
    [QUOTE]My guy has three children over the age of 18... No troubles from the daughter. She is lovely. But the 20 year old boys..sigh. I can't do anything right. I cook, they won't eat. I listen to music, they don't like it, I bought halloween decorations, they don't like them. Every day it's something new that I have done wrong or I'm not doing right. My man is strong and holds me because he knows it upsets me, and I dont want to come between him and his kids, but by the same token, I'm not willing to let him go. I'm in a mess. We are in our 50's for petes sake...can't we have our time for happiness? It's sad that when one of the boys is nice to me, I know the other one is standing behind him ready with another knife for my back or a punch to the gut. Just venting....
    Posted by calliou2[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Why do they HAVE to like your decorations?  why do they have to like your cooking? </div><div>
    </div><div>I assume they have a mother--and that you aren't that mother.  </div><div>You're their dad's Girlfriend/Fi/whatever.  They don't have to like you.  They probably have to show a modicum of respect and not be outwardly hostile--they have to be 'polite'.</div><div>
    </div><div>

    </div>
  • My "man" has talked to them. I do not try to mother them, but when I cook dinner, it is for the while family, not just my fiancee and I, we did not have an affair that ended the marriage, they have been apart 4 years. Oh! And the halloween decorations are for the house. We like to decorate inside and out.
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  • They're grown, they can like what they like, including you.  BUT, it doesn't sound like they're really being nasty, you just REALLLLY want them to like you.  My previous advice stands.
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  • Thank you. I do believe you are right. Ill just back up and let their Dad handle the drama like I've been doing. Just needed to vent is all...thank you for listening and your kind words...
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  • In Response to Re:Grown children????:[QUOTE] we did not have an affair that ended the marriage, they have been apart 4 years. Posted by calliou2[/QUOTE]

    I really hope you or your man don't ever portray the ex wife as "that cheating marriage destroyer" to the kids. That's a total d!ck move for petty parents to curry favor for themselves. Cheater or not, mom is still irreplaceable mom to them, those that can't respect that will likely get that same amount of respect right back at them.
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  • She didn't cheat either. Their marriage broke up due to differences. No one has ever said anything bad about her. She left him.
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  • I'm not saying they have to call you mom or anything, but these are 20 year old adults.  They can't suck it up and eat the damn food?  Why are they commenting on the decoration?

    They sound incredibly immature for 20.  If they have some issues regarding their parents' divorce, they need to seek some therapy.

    Do they live with you?  Do you support them?

  • edited October 2012
    Yes, they live with us, and yes, my fiancee supports them. He wants them to go get jobs and move, but that starts another sore spot with them... Then the arguing starts and something about me pops up. Something else I've done they don't like... Let me clarify...i am not involved with these discussions or arguments.... It's between their dad and them.
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  • tawillerstawillers member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited October 2012
    Ah, jobless 20 year olds who live off their parents.  This sounds like completely normal behavior then.

    I'm sorry you're always thrown in the middle and cut down.  Your FI needs to handle this better.  Obviously whatever he's been doing isn't productive/healthy.

    ETA:  I'd give them more of a break about living at home if they were in school, but it doesn't sound like they are.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_grown-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:87f343bc-49a6-4ae5-93e5-8f1806dbf3c7Post:f99090bb-3762-4ccf-abcc-f1e11521c05f">Re:Grown children????</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yes, they live with us, and yes, my fiancee supports them. He wants them to go get jobs and move, but that starts another sore spot with them... Then the arguing starts and something about me pops up. Something else I've done they don't like... Let me clarify...i am not involved with these discussions or arguments.... It's between their dad and them.
    Posted by calliou2[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ahhh.</div><div>a suggestion that you didn't ask for...so a nickle's worth of free advice that's worth exactly what you paid for it...</div><div>Sounds like the kids are being master players here and that dad doesn't know how to say "we're not talking about her right now, we're talking about YOU."--and, really, it's a lot harder to say than it seems.</div><div>I'd say it's past time for some help with that.  A good counselor helps a lot w/ how to draw boundries and how to communicate information.  Family counselor would rock, but I'd say that the adults going to see someone would be a good step 1.  </div><div>
    </div><div>(And it's not about "zomgs, the relationship needs counseling or it'll die, STAT!", It's about going to professionals when it's appropriate to do so.  I mean, I cut off a finger, I'm not going to die, but I go see a doctor BEFORE there's gangrene)</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_grown-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:87f343bc-49a6-4ae5-93e5-8f1806dbf3c7Post:f99090bb-3762-4ccf-abcc-f1e11521c05f">Re:Grown children????</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yes, they live with us, and yes, my fiancee supports them. He wants them to go get jobs and move, but that starts another sore spot with them... Then the arguing starts and something about me pops up. Something else I've done they don't like... Let me clarify...i am not involved with these discussions or arguments.... It's between their dad and them.
    Posted by calliou2[/QUOTE]

    <div>This actually changes my answer (b/c I was going to agree with everyone else basically).  Those boys need to STFU or GTF out of their dad's house.  That's incredibly disrespectful of them, since I'm assuming you cook dinner for everyone in the house, take care of the house, etc (with or without FI's help).</div><div>
    </div><div>I say FI throws their asses out.  They don't like his house (i.e. YOU).  Too damn bad, get out then.  Grown children do not need to be giving their parents grief when they live at home.</div>
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_grown-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:87f343bc-49a6-4ae5-93e5-8f1806dbf3c7Post:03aa284b-bb32-45a0-8697-a032eb48658e">Re: Grown children????</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ah, jobless 20 year olds who live off their parents.  This sounds like completely normal behavior then. I'm sorry you're always thrown in the middle and cut down.  Your FI needs to handle this better.  Obviously whatever he's been doing isn't productive/healthy. ETA:  I'd give them more of a break about living at home if they were in school, but it doesn't sound like they are.
    Posted by tawillers[/QUOTE]

    I agree - it's too bad you're in the middle of this. 
    Dad needs to step up and handle them differently.  If he doesn't, then you will need to decide if you want to stay with this drama surrounding you or move on with someone who doesn't have children or who has children who are adults supporting themselves.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_grown-children?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:87f343bc-49a6-4ae5-93e5-8f1806dbf3c7Post:caa6372c-55c5-4228-8835-b08df90cea72">Re:Grown children????</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Grown children???? : This actually changes my answer (b/c I was going to agree with everyone else basically).  Those boys need to STFU or GTF out of their dad's house.  That's incredibly disrespectful of them, since I'm assuming you cook dinner for everyone in the house, take care of the house, etc (with or without FI's help). I say FI throws their asses out.  They don't like his house (i.e. YOU).  Too damn bad, get out then.  Grown children do not need to be giving their parents grief when they live at home.
    Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]

    Ditto. These guys are not kids. They're 20 years old and by now they should know how to be respectful. They should also have jobs. At 20 they are most likely not going to start the job they will have forever - that's life and you can't get a good job with no work experience. These young MEN need some tough love.

    OP - sit down with your FI and tell him that you are not comfortable with being so disrespected in your home. Either he deals with his sons' behaviour or you will be reevaluating how the relationship is working out. He needs to be an adult and stand up for you and your relationship. His kids don't have to be your best friends but they do have to respect you as their fathers partner. I wouldn't stand for that crap and I know that none of the older people in my family would have put up with it either.
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  • You have a FI problem, plain and simple.  I'd be more irritated with your FI than his kids right now.  He's obviously allowed this behavior for a long time and the kids aren't going to change until he changes how he deals with them.

    Seriously, there are more than 4 men in the world and you can find one that doesn't have ungrateful mooching jackholes for children.
  • These are freeloading adults in their twenties in your home.  Stop cooking dinner for all of you as a family - they're old enough to fend for themselves.
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