no involvement from my dad :(

Lyds85

Been having lots of issues with my dad. He's always been kind of in and out of my life but when I got engaged I tried to include him in everything. Overall he hasn't been interested in helping do anything or help pay for anything. He said would come to my engagement party but called the day before and said he just couldn't do it. I then decided to have my grandpa walk me down the aisle and he is pissed. Howeveri I still had planned on the father daughter dance. Well yesterday he texted me saying he wants to skip the dance and he's not sure if he can make it to the wedding. I'm so sad and hurt

Wzz

parents sometimes suck. your dad sucks. if you stop trying to include him, maybe you'll start enjoying your events more. clearly he doesn't feel you or your wedding is a priority, i seriously doubt you can change his character.

can you do a gradfather/daughter dance? you don't have to have the traditional dances to have a nice wedding day. most everyone comes from a non traditional family, so some of these traditions may just become obsolete.

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_no-involvement-from-my-dad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8822592f-d1d4-4142-8a7a-89f3c0cc553bPost:ce3d2e7c-7108-437d-bf25-cbcaf3637ee2">no involvement from my dad :(</a>:
[QUOTE]Been having lots of issues with my dad. He's always been kind of in and out of my life but when I got engaged I tried to include him in everything. Overall he hasn't been interested in helping do anything <strong>or help pay for anything</strong>. He said would come to my engagement party but called the day before and said he just couldn't do it. I then decided to have my grandpa walk me down the aisle and he is pissed. Howeveri I still had planned on the father daughter dance. Well yesterday he texted me saying he wants to skip the dance and he's not sure if he can make it to the wedding. I'm so sad and hurt :(
Posted by Lyds85[/QUOTE]

<div>if you're just looking at him as an ATM, it's no wonder that he doesn't want to participate. </div><div>Really, how did you even approach this? "Hey dad, I know we don't have much of a relationship, but I really want you to be involved with planning my wedding. Can I have $10K? For your $15K contribution, I'll let you cwalk me down the aisle and choose the song for the father/daughter dance. For $20K I'll let you choose an entree and what type of centerpieces we have."</div>

hmonkey

from one mention of payment, you think she's only interested in his financial involvement?  did you not read about him not attending the engagement party?  or walking down the aisle?  or doing the dance?  or skipping the wedding altogether?

[QUOTE]<strong>Been having lots of issues with my dad. He's always been kind of in and out of my life but when I got engaged I tried to include him in everything.</strong> Overall he hasn't been interested in helping do anything or help pay for anything. <strong>He said would come to my engagement party but called the day before and said he just couldn't do it. I then decided to have my grandpa walk me down the aisle and he is pissed. Howeveri I still had planned on the father daughter dance. Well yesterday he texted me saying he wants to skip the dance and he's not sure if he can make it to the wedding. I'm so sad and hurt :(</strong>
Posted by Lyds85[/QUOTE]

tawillers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_no-involvement-from-my-dad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:8822592f-d1d4-4142-8a7a-89f3c0cc553bPost:7a4f9697-0c13-4e51-81b4-194ad8c2d237">Re: no involvement from my dad :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to no involvement from my dad :( : if you're just looking at him as an ATM, it's no wonder that he doesn't want to participate.  Really, how did you even approach this? "Hey dad, I know we don't have much of a relationship, but I really want you to be involved with planning my wedding. Can I have $10K? For your $15K contribution,<strong> I'll let you cwalk me down the aisle</strong> and choose the song for the father/daughter dance. For $20K I'll let you choose an entree and what type of centerpieces we have."
Posted by *Barbie*[/QUOTE]

I am ded and gone at c-walking down the aisle.

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_no-involvement-from-my-dad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8822592f-d1d4-4142-8a7a-89f3c0cc553bPost:11c17789-7beb-4c4a-8e71-10658b30d1d9">Re: no involvement from my dad :(</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: no involvement from my dad :( : I am ded and gone at c-walking down the aisle.
Posted by tawillers[/QUOTE]
i had to google to determine why my typo was funny. i'm going to leave it. 

tawillers

MNNEBride

It's sad but shouldn't be surprising.  You said he's been in and out of your life.  Just because you're getting married, doesn't mean he's going to change.  He is as he always has been, unreliable.  Be sad but then adjust your expectations and move on.

[Deleted User]

Ded @ Taw.

NOLABridesmaid

hee.

Knottie_22382102

I don't get the impression that she's looking at him as an ATM at all... I think she was just listing that as part of the list of reasons he is not participating.

When are you getting married? I feel like you may have jumped the gun on asking your grandfather to walk you down the aisle if it was in response to your dad not showing up to your e-party. Regardless of the reason, I can completely understand why your father (whether he's been good or not) might be hurt that you didn't want him to walk you down the aisle.

I'd have a heartfelt conversation with him face to face and tell him why you are hurt and tell him that you want him to be a part of your wedding. I hope for your sake that his reaction is to realize that this is meaningful to you and attend. If he doesn't, then you tried.

I'm sorry that this is so hurtful a situation for you.

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_no-involvement-from-my-dad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8822592f-d1d4-4142-8a7a-89f3c0cc553bPost:a733eef9-b157-4d99-8343-0c9d49b68856">Re: no involvement from my dad :(</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>from one mention of payment, you think she's only interested in his financial involvement? </strong> did you not read about him not attending the engagement party?  or walking down the aisle?  or doing the dance?  or skipping the wedding altogether?
Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

<div>yes, because if money wasn't the issue, it didn't need to be mentioned at all. </div><div>
</div><div>"I have an absentee father, and although I have been trying to build a better relationship with him in recent years, it hurts that he does not seem interested in the same. I have tried to reach out to him while planning my wedding, but he has not been interested in attended the events/parties, and told me that he may not even attend my wedding. I have asked my grandfather to walk me down the aisle, because i feel like my dad does not deserve the honor. I am debating having a father/daughter dance, but not sure what to do if dad skips out.</div><div>
</div><div>Has anyone else been in a similar situation, and can you share how you managed the disappointment of having an absentee dad?"</div>

Lyds85

It wasn't me asking him to be an ATM machine at all you guys. I called him right away when I got engaged he lives far away and I was texting him about stuff wedding related. I then asked if he could pay my 1,200 flower bill as a wedding gift. I don't think that's unreasonable for me to ask of my dad. He said yes then he said he'd think about it then he was like I don't know. Then he said he'd come to my eparty then didn't. My grandfather who btw has always picked up his slack stepped in and paid the flowers and added extra flowers. That being said, it was never about the money. It's about the fact that he is unreliable that I chose to walk with my grandpa. I don't want a no show on my wedding day wouldn't put it past him also I don't think it's right that hes never been there for me when I needed him so I don't think he deserves the privilege. There were times my mom couldn't feed or cloth us and it was my grandpa who always stepped in to help. The only time my dad comes around is when times are good and nothing is expected of him. When things get rough then he's out. He never even comes to see me I always have to go to him. It's just not right. Then my step mom butts her nose in and talks crap. However, I do care about him and did want a dance w/ him so it hurts my feelings. I think the problem is I was just hoping because its a special time in our lives that he would step up and be there for us when in reality I should have known how he is. I guess my expectations were far too high. To add to this, because of my parents messy divorce I'm pretty sure none of the family on that side will even show up. Ugh it sucks. I need a drink lol. It really isn't about the money though, we are having a simple wedding and are paying most of it ourselves. btw our wedding is August 3

PMeg819

So your dad is always a complete flake and you think that this would just magically change him? Yeah, good luck with that.

hmonkey

no pmeg, it's about money because she mentioned it briefly so of course it's totally obvious it's only about that.

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_no-involvement-from-my-dad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8822592f-d1d4-4142-8a7a-89f3c0cc553bPost:98e56c7b-58e2-4e4b-923e-829bd30bd5fd">Re:no involvement from my dad :</a>:
[QUOTE]It <strong>wasn't me asking him to be an ATM machine at all you guys. I called him right away when I got engaged he lives far away and I was texting him about stuff wedding related. I then asked if he could pay my 1,200 flower bill as a wedding gift. </strong>I don't think that's unreasonable for me to ask of my dad. .......<strong> It really isn't about the money though, </strong>we are having a simple wedding and are paying most of it ourselves. btw our wedding is August 3
Posted by Lyds85[/QUOTE]

<div>o rly?</div>

Lyds85

Yeah I know, stupid right? Now that I'm typing it I can see that was me being delusional! Just hard to see other people's fathers so excited and involved and I guess it just hurts that's he doesn't care.

Lyds85

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for 1,200 from my dad. He said he would pay it. Yes that's part of what hurts my feelings, but not overall why I chose my grandpa

Lyds85

To clarify he said he would pay it then as soon as I ordered the flowers he decided he just couldn't do that.

tawillers

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_no-involvement-from-my-dad?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:8822592f-d1d4-4142-8a7a-89f3c0cc553bPost:98e56c7b-58e2-4e4b-923e-829bd30bd5fd">Re:no involvement from my dad :</a>:
[QUOTE]It wasn't me asking him to be an ATM machine at all you guys. I called him right away when I got engaged he lives far away and I was texting him about stuff wedding related. I then asked if he could pay my 1,200 flower bill as a wedding gift. I don't think that's unreasonable for me to ask of my dad. He said yes then he said he'd think about it then he was like I don't know. Then he said he'd come to my eparty then didn't. <strong>My grandfather who btw has always picked up his slack stepped in and paid the flowers and added extra flowers.</strong> That being said, it was never about the money. It's about the fact that he is unreliable that I chose to walk with my grandpa. I don't want a no show on my wedding day wouldn't put it past him also I don't think it's right that hes never been there for me when I needed him so I don't think he deserves the privilege. There were times my mom couldn't feed or cloth us and it was <strong>my grandpa who always stepped in to help</strong>. <strong>The only time my dad comes around is when times are good and nothing is expected of him. </strong>When things get rough then he's out. He never even comes to see me I always have to go to him. It's just not right. Then my step mom butts her nose in and talks crap. However, I do care about him and did want a dance w/ him so it hurts my feelings. I think the problem is I was just hoping because its a special time in our lives that he would step up and be there for us when in reality I should have known how he is. I guess my expectations were far too high. To add to this, because of my parents messy divorce I'm pretty sure none of the family on that side will even show up. Ugh it sucks. I need a drink lol. It really isn't about the money though, we are having a simple wedding and are paying most of it ourselves. btw our wedding is August 3
Posted by Lyds85[/QUOTE]

So if your grandpa has always "picked up the slack" and acted like more of a father than your bio dad, why was bio dad considered over grandpa to begin with?

Your dad sounds like a douche.  How many years does he need to show you he's just not into you?

Frankly, I think it was rude to not ask grandpa first.  Forget your dad - have you considered you may have hurt grandpa's feelings?

Knottie_22382102

It's rude to ask anyone for money....

But, it sounds like it makes sense for you to ask your grandfather to walk you down the aisle.

 I still understand why your dad is hurt by that (is it possible to have them both walk you down?)

He's probably never going to change, but he might still come to your wedding. I would still call him and try to make it work and tell him how you feel.

I wish you the best!

PMeg819

So your dad is historically uninvolved but says he'll pay for something. You order and he (predictably) backs out. Where exactly am I supposed to feel bad or sympathize? Get some therapy to deal with your father issues. He's not going to change. Instead of lamenting this lost relationship, appreciate that you have a grandparent that is going above and beyond.

Wzz

the money IMO is just one other element to his flaky behavior. he isn't around, so he probably said he'd pay for something. some people think they can buy some forgiveness. and shock and surprised, he flaked on one more thing he probably offered in vain.

i think it's a little bit of a jump to say it's only about money. sure it didn't have to be mentioned, but it's probably one other thing the dad promised and took back.

i think it's time the OP stop expecting her dad to follow through on any promise he makes. he's full of it and probably makes promises to make himself feel better, and really doesn't expect anyone to take him up on it.

Lyds85

Yep you guys are right. Thanks for letting me type it out on here and for making a few good points. Maybe it was rude to ask for money, but I guess that's how I am, I ask for what I want. In the future I will try to be more thoughtful with that. Anyhow, Im going to focus on the good people in my life and be thankful for my awesome grandpa and get excited for our special day. In retrospect I realize should have planned on my grandpa walking with me in the first place. In the future ill remember not to count on my father for anything.

Lyds85

Thank you for all your input you guys are great!

PMeg819

More often than not, most people get butt hurt about what we say. They forget that we don't have the years of back history, just what the poster has written. I'm glad you didn't think we were attacking you- we're not, we're just making our judgements based on the limited set of facts.