Best Man Drops Out 12 Days Before Wedding

brigbriggbriggg

I am but 11 days until my wedding, and the best man dropped out of the wedding yesterday.  My future husband and I are both pretty strict morally and are not open to having strippers at my or his bachelor/ette parties.  My FH was very blunt about it not being acceptable, but they continued to persist, as if they knew what FH "needed" and he didn't.  They discussed openly in front of him ways to make it happen without me finding out.  When I heard that they changed the venue of the party from my future mother in law's to his shady friend's house, and was informed by my brothers and FH's college friends that they hadn't been included in the planning, I sent them a message stating that regardless of what they're planning, strippers are not to happen.  I made it clear that it would be not only upsetting to myself and FH, but an act of disrespect to our marriage.  Not summarizing, I was told to "eff" off, in not so nice words, and that he and his shady friend wouldn't be coming to the wedding.  This sort of puts a huge hiccup in the wedding plans.  I'm also upset because this is FH's best friend from seventh grade, although they've been drifting since college.  I want FH to be happy, so I apologized for infringing on their planning, and have gotten no response.  What should I do plan for them to be there only for the embarrassment of them not showing up?  Or plan for them to not be there and risk the awkwardness if they do decide to attend?  This is most certainly stress I do not need so close to the big day!! Please help!

mandi921vh

The best man is being disrespectful to you and your FI's wishes. Because he is your FI's friend he should be the one to talk to him to find out if he is still in your wedding or has decided to drop out.

I am a bit confused when you refer to "them" do you mean the best man or do you mean all of the groomsmen?

brigbriggbriggg

It's the Best Man and the Shady Bad Influence Friend of the Best Man

TheDuckis

First, why is your FI such good friends with people who would blatantly go against his wishes when throwing him a party?

That said, it wasn't your place to lord your "strict morals" over his friends. Your FI should be capable of telling his friends what he wants, and of getting up and leaving if the party devolves into something he's not comfortable with. Emailing his friends the way you did makes you look like a shrew and your FI look like a pvssy.

I think you should apologize for your behavior, have your FI reiterate his wants/expectations for the bachelor party, and see how they act from there.

sister2groom

I'm pretty conservative too, not comfortable with strippers myself so I can understand not wanting them at his bachelor party, but I really think you should have left this up to your FI because he's the one who should be willing to respect you and values you share (I'm also confused why he would want to be friends with people who so blatantly don't respect his beliefs).

Hopfully since you're getting married you trust him so if anything untoward had happened that he felt went against his beliefs, he would have left or made the strippers leave. You should have expressed your fears about the party to your FI and had him deal with his friends.

My hope is that these friends were trying to get your goat and you took it too seriously and then overreacted. If you guys decide you still want them at your wedding, I'm not really sure how your planning would change if you knew they were coming. If you're worried about him standing up for your FI, that can be straightened out 2 minutes before the ceremony, just put an extra guy in the lineup. Seating charts won't be killed if one table has 6 people instead of 8.

L_Woods

What Duckis said.

brigbriggbriggg

The FH did stress this to the guys, but they decided they knew better than he did.  I wrote what I did to them with his help and his approval before it was sent.  As I stated in the original post, I did apologize for interfering for the sake of the FH.  The Best Man has been unresponsive.  Their relationship has been tumultuous since the FH left for college, and the FH feels that a blow up like this was bound to happen as we're both about to leave for military training and the Best Man is staying in their hometown.

Regardless, the FH and I have both reconciled over it and we're moving on.  Thank you for your responses, but this close to the wedding I'm not worrying about it anymore.  I put myself out there with an apology and that's all I can do.

As a final note -- I'm not "lording" my strict morals over his friends.  The FH shares these morals and we mutually decide on our decisions and take action together.  But thank you for your reply.

Butter Cookie

I haven't read the replies, but this really should have been left to your FH. It wasn't, and now you can only move forward. Not sure why your FH is friends with someone so dead-set on making him go to a strip club.

H's friends are huge stripclub goers, and he's not a fan, and they've always respected that. I mean a little mild teasing here and there but generally respected it. His bachelor party? Thrown by the MOH as a double bachelor/ette shower at a bowling alley followed by a dueling piano bar.

InksWell

The bachellor party at his mom's house didn't sound like a whole lot of fun, to be honest.

You needed to leave this to your FH and you need to trust him. It's not an issue of trusting that best friend. If your FH had ogled strippers at his B party it would have been his fault and no one else's. It's an issue with trusting your H to stick up for himself, his beliefs, and you. You need to work this out before the wedding, because that's a way bigger deal than not having a best man.

ReturnOfKuus

Your FI needs to let go of seventh grade and make some new friends who share his values, or at the very least won't try to throw a party "for him" that violates them.  What assh*les.