My problem is MY parents..

uniquechar

About 3 years ago my parents got a divorce and immediately got remarried and want nothing to do with each other. For example, I graduated from college last December and afterwards (according to my fiance and friend) my dad bolted out the side door with my gma. He didn't even hang out afterwards to take pics or whatever and we are starting to actually have a father-daughter relationship that we never had when I was growing up. (He wasn't even going to GO to my graduation.) Anyways, this got me thinking, "what the hell is going to happen when I get married??". My fiance and I decided we want a very small wedding/reception a few close friends and family (most of which are in the wedding party so about 6 with 3 being in the party) and I'm worried about the mom-dad thing. I plan on sitting both of them down and telling them how it is. That the other will be there and if you don't think you can be civil then I'm sorry but, you will not be invited. Honestly, I don't want either of them there. Because, even if they still say they can be civil, I don't want to have the added stress if they are going to ruin my day or not.

I'm pretty much sick of all the drama between the two. It's weird drama too. It's like they are pretending that they were never married for 25 years and never had 3 children. And my mom has been talking about my dad and i got to the point when I told her "I'm your daughter, NOT your best friend. You shouldn't be talking about this stuff with me, he is still my dad." With my mom it's "I love you, if you do this for me". Its very stressful and she gives me guilt trips all the time. I would love to just move away and never worry myself about either of them again but, I hate the fact that they are family. But, seriously, I don't want to surround myself with those kinds of vindictive people. It's like I have to had 2 separate lives when I'm with them. It's crazy! They should be adult enough to get over it and deal with the fact that they still have children together and they are going to have to see each other during functions!

Am I crazy? What should I do? Am I on the right track?

baconsmom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_problem-parents?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:90d8e608-aa04-4003-82bf-59c99f2b9685Post:d0fa67ed-0a87-49da-a9ae-de3ffb25e231">My problem is MY parents..</a>:
[QUOTE]About 3 years ago my parents got a divorce and immediately got remarried and want nothing to do with each other. For example, I graduated from college last December and afterwards (according to my fiance and friend) my dad bolted out the side door with my gma. He didn't even hang out afterwards to take pics or whatever and we are starting to actually have a father-daughter relationship that we never had when I was growing up. (He wasn't even going to GO to my graduation.) <div>
</div><div>Anyways, this got me thinking, "what the hell is going to happen when I get married??". My fiance and I decided we want a very small wedding/reception a few close friends and family (most of which are in the wedding party so about 6 with 3 being in the party) and I'm worried about the mom-dad thing. I plan on sitting both of them down and telling them how it is. That the other will be there and if you don't think you can be civil then I'm sorry but, you will not be invited. Honestly, I don't want either of them there. Because, even if they still say they can be civil, I don't want to have the added stress if they are going to ruin my day or not.</div><div>
</div><div> I'm pretty much sick of all the drama between the two. It's weird drama too. It's like they are pretending that they were never married for 25 years and never had 3 children. And my mom has been talking about my dad and i got to the point when I told her "I'm your daughter, NOT your best friend. You shouldn't be talking about this stuff with me, he is still my dad." With my mom it's "I love you, if you do this for me". Its very stressful and she gives me guilt trips all the time. <strong>I would love to just move away and never worry myself about either of them again </strong>but, I hate the fact that they are family. But, seriously, I don't want to surround myself with those kinds of vindictive people. It's like I have to had 2 separate lives when I'm with them. It's crazy! They should be adult enough to get over it and deal with the fact that they still have children together and they are going to have to see each other during functions! Am I crazy? What should I do? Am I on the right track?
Posted by uniquechar[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>Then do that. Seriously. If they're nothing but trouble, demanding, bitchy, conditional people, why are you associating with them? (Hint: "Because they're family" is not a decent answer.)</div><div>
</div><div>If these people weren't related to you, you wouldn't associate with them. Why does DNA compel you to? Get rid of them. 

</div>

DG1

Agreed.

And if you're not ready to cut them out completely, just take the high road and invite both. Let them fight it out. And if they choose to fight it out AT the wedding, don't be shy about asking either or both of them to leave.

Elopement sounds like a great option.

Butter Cookie

They are right. Stop having contact with them. I know it sounds awful but what are you supposed to do? These two people who are supposed to be role models and adults and who raised a child together cannot now be in the same room together? Come on, that's ridiculous. THEY are ridiculous and will break your heart over and over again. Don't let that happen. Maybe a few years without contact will make them wake the hell up.

Cant_wait!

My parents did this too about my wedding, and it was one of the many reasons that we eloped...so that is my advice you.

miah_23_ncb

waht does oyur fiance say. ithink you should ahve sit down w/ echof them sepraterly and talk them about it and jsu tlay it all out for them. ad if you want picture w/ them maybe one of them could come early & takepic w/ you if staying at the recptio is too much for them

GBCK

Bacon's mom makes a good point.
There are family members I don't deal w/ or who I ONLY deal w/ on my terms.
Why?
Because I had to realise (and it is a tough realization) that their behavior was to shiitty for that.  The big question was "would I tolerate this behvior if they weren't family?"  If the answer is NO...then why tolerate it from family?
If the answer is "maybe, under very specific terms" then set those terms and don't waver.
if the answer is "yes because I"m a doormat" then work on THAT w/i yourself (and...we all have people we/re doormats w/.  It's a lot of work to fix--but WORTH IT)

uniquechar

I never thought about it that way. (If they weren't family then would I put up with them.) The answer to that would be no, I would not. We thought about eloping but we really wanted our friends to be there and we cannot afford to pay for them to go somewhere for a destination wedding. I really want my gma to be there but I can't invite her and not my dad, or could I. I don't know. It's a lot to think about. Thank you guys, so much for the great advice. )

Cyncia

Who says if you have a destination wedding it has to be far? You live in Florida, there has to be a few really great places, and i wouldn't think a road trip would kill people, especially since you are planning to have an intimate wedding of close friends and family.

Invite your grandmother because your riff doesn't involve her, and by not inviting her, you would add her to it and then it would just snowball. Also, as your dad's mother she knows how her son is. She wouldn't miss your wedding for anything or ANYONE because you know what? She saw her son get married saw how it went. To see her granddaughter get married...my gosh...she'll remember it forever. It's that much more significant for grandparents to see their grandchildren get married.

As far as your parent's go, they are blinded by pride and selfishness. If your the first to get married, let this be a lesson to them so that when your siblings marry, they don't f*ck up, and suck it up.

I wish you and yours all the best! In the end you'll have married the man of your dreams! And what more could a woman want?!

Copper2008

My parents went through the same thing when they separated about five years ago. Sadly they still don't talk, though my Dad is still madly in love with Mom, but at least they no longer bicker.

My sister was married a couple of years into the separation and they were both so happy that they completely forgot they were mad at each other. It was absolutely surreal! (though I'll be the first to admit it was too late to undo any of the stress the bride had beforehand that they would be at each other's throats)

As a measure of insurance my Dad's best friend (our Godfather) was seated between the two so that the boys were too busy talking football for there to even be awkward silence.

While it's undeniably hard and unfair the way they are behaving right now, I was very glad I stuck it out and was a friend to my parents through their hard times because now my Mom, sister and I have such a strong friendship.

You're not just putting up with them because of DNA, you would be putting up with them because they have and would do anything for you too. 

Remember that phase every 14 year old goes through when she hates her mother and doesn't mind handing out that "Oh my gosh Mom. You're such an idiot!"face 100 times a day? or all the times your Dad told you that you deserved better even though he knew you would get mad and not talk to him until you finally figured it out for yourself?

It's not easy but it is worth it! They will always be there for you unless you kick them out of your life. You may not be able to take it back if you uninvite them.