Mommy Issues

Jordyana

I think I just need to vent a little.

My mother and I have never had a very good relationship. Since I was a little girl we have been constantly butting heads. My dad has often had to break us up - I know we're both to blame for this and I honestly don't know how it all got started. We just can't get along. I don't like it and we've even been to family counseling, but nothing seems to work. I love my mother very much and I know she loves me. We do get along from time to time, but it's hard to be one on one with her.

Anyway, after I got engaged, a lot of people in my family weren't exactly thrilled. I had just barely turned 21 and they all thought I was too young. Nothing against him or even our relationship, they claimed, they just thought I needed to wait a few more years. My aunt actually told me that if HER daughter had told her that she was engaged, well, she would just DIE. Honestly, the week following my engagement was more stressful than pleasant. FI worried I would call off the engagement (I would never do that, though.)

Well, time has passed since then and I haven't talked much about being engaged/marriage around my family. Things seem okay. Suddenly, my mom keeps bringing up topics that she says FI and I should talk about. Honestly, we talked about all of those topics extensively even before we got engaged. We still have talks to make sure we're on the same page.

She asks about us raising kids, religion (we're an interfaith couple and she doesn't like that), where we're going to live, finances, etc....I told her that we had talked about those things and were on the same page. Well, she wants to know WHAT we talked about. When I said I thought this was between me and FI, she got really upset and said, "They're my grandkids too!" Um...the grandkids that aren't even conceived yet? I know that even if I get married when I'm 40, she'll never be 100% for me getting married. That's just how she is.

Tonight was the last straw, I guess. FI and I have been talking a lot about when to get married and we finally decided July 13, 2013. I'll have my degree by then, he gets his this year, we'll be able to fully pay off our cars, save up more money for the wedding and after the wedding, find a place to live, etc. It just seems like we'll be in a good place by then.

My mother was having another rant at me about everything I need to discuss with him. When she was done, I said, "Well....We've been talking...and we're thinking about getting married in summer of 2013." She just said, "mmm," looked at the TV, and started talking about what was on. I feel like crying.

I'm sorry for the rant, everyone. I realize it's ridiculously long. I just wish my mom were more excited or even OKAY with me getting married. But it seems like she'll never be and it breaks my heart. Honestly, I try to do good and be a good daughter. I thought that maybe being engaged would be seen as a good thing, not as a death sentence. It's not like I'm getting married tomorrow.  I guess I can't change how my mom feels about it, though. Maybe with time....

baconsmom

You said this has been going on since you were small. You need to adjust your expectations. 

You'll never have a loving mother who supports you. So stop expecting your mom to be that. Expect her to be her - fractious, difficult - and you won't be hurt or surprised by her reactions anymore.

I know it's harder than it sounds. I had to do the same with my mother. Once I accepted her for *her*, our relationship got a lot better. (Putting a couple of states between us didn't hurt, either.) 

Athsea

Poor thing. Having a difficult mother myself, I sympathize. However, it is important to keep in mind that your wedding is over two years away. Something that far away can be difficult for most people to really get excited about, especially if it's not their wedding. Should she have shown a tad more enthusiasm, yes, of course. But you can't really change her attitude about it, all you can change is your response. So keep doing what you're doing. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and you're responsible enough to wait until you're on more solid financial ground to make such a big step.

Perhaps, as the date draws nearer, and you continue acting mature and doing all of these responsible things you two plan on doing, your family and especially your mother, will become excited.  Right now they probably still see you as a little girl. Give them time to see you as the responsible woman you are and hope to continue to be. I hope everything works out for you. Best of luck!

Jordyana

Thanks, everyone.

There's a lot of personal issues I'd rather not put out here, but I've actually come a LONG way in the past few years and have accomplished a lot. I mean, I'm going to be the first person in my family to get a college degree. This whole time my family has been SO happy for me and saying how proud they are that I'm making something of myself....

Then I got engaged and suddenly they're not so proud anymore. It hurts. I don't really expect my mother to be excited. I just wish she'd be okay with it, y'know? I don't feel like I'm expecting a lot from her, but maybe I am...

I think I took that unreceptive "mm" a little too hard. I guess it's just one of those days, y'know? It's been a rough week and then my mom pulls some old crap again. I think I just need to have a good cry and get some rest.

sister2groom

If it's any consolation, it sounds like she does care about your happiness. I'm not exactly a fan of the way she's showing it, but if she didn't give a flip about you, she wouldn't make sure you'd had tough conversations about things with your FI.

zsazsa-stl

I'm going to sit next to your aunt and say that you shouldn't get married until you are old enough to quit calling your mother mommy.

mrsconn23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_mommy-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:a382d410-9014-4261-badd-e579bbf13ad4Post:a37fd8e5-f833-4b62-a574-fb11be97628a">Re: Mommy Issues</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to sit next to your aunt and say that you shouldn't get married until you are old enough to quit calling your mother mommy.
Posted by zsazsa-stl[/QUOTE]

This.

Jordyana

Wow. The "Mommy Issues" thing wasn't cause I call my mother "mommy." It was a play on the old phrase "daddy issues."