Wedding Woes

I just don't even know what to do about MOH

My maid of honor is my best friend. She has been my best friend for about 4 years now.... I asked her to be my MOH because A. she is my best friend and B. I thought she would actually get involved.... So far she hasn't. She went with me to find my dress and that is all she has done. My wedding is in September and she hasn't done anything at all that a MOH does. When I ask her to come to dress fittings she says she can't. She does work full time but her hours are 6 am till 2 pm. She comes home and sleeps after work and does nothing the rest of the night. Her 2 older boys are grown and her youngest is 10 so there is no reason she cannot be more available. She did ask once what I needed her to do and I told her a couple things she could check into. Never heard back.

Well one of my BM's is getting married a month after me and her MOH is very involved and she came to me today with "why isn't your MOH doing anything?" everyone has kinda noticed that and feel bad she isn't helping you in anyway.

I said IDK and honestly been really bummed for quite some time and almost rather you take that role because I know you would help. She said she would love to be MOH.

and I am really considering it.... but how do I do that without ruining my friendship with my best friend who honestly lately I just don't even feel like she is  a best friend. I have a hard time cutting ties with people because friends are hard to come by.... I honestly don't know what to do.

Re: I just don't even know what to do about MOH

  • edited December 2011
    I think you need to go back and read the hundreds of other posts before repeating the same old thing over and over and over again. Save yourself the trouble of everything thinking you are a crappy friend and total bridezilla.
  • anniemay1anniemay1 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Haha where would those be. I don't get on here much.
  • anniemay1anniemay1 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Oh and I know I am not a crappy friend and I will proudly wear the Bridezilla crown.... this is my day and I deserve one day!
  • edited December 2011
    wedding woes, snarky brides, etiquette boards, they are everywhere. most have something to do with BMs in the title. You can't miss them. They're everywhere.
  • anniemay1anniemay1 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Well anyway..... I will stick to this forum since I am not a snarky bride and since the title is wedding woes and this is a wedding woe....
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    So, your MOH is going to be that person that DOES the most for you not the person that MEANS the most to you?  Got it.

    Your MOH doesn't have to do anything but show up and be happy for you.  She doesn't need to go to fittings, tie bows on bubbles, or any other stupid thing you think she's supposed to do.

    There is no way to ask her to setop down without permanently destroying your friendship.  Ask yourself what matters more: dress fittings or your friend.

  • anniemay1anniemay1 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Sorry I feel differently. Just about everyone I know that is getting married. Their MOH is very involved. That is what friends do.... She hasn't really been much of a friend either so I really have my reasons.
  • anniemay1anniemay1 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    and she should be thinking of what matters to me, since I always think of her.... I am tired of being the good friend to everyone and the one time I need someone there for me. I don't have it.... sorry if that makes me a @itch but it is what it is.....
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    It's funny how she went from a best friend to a crappy one in a matter of posts.  You're right though.  MOH's should drop their entire lives to be there as someone pins you in a dress. 
  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    So if you already had an answer to your question, what are you doing here. If you don't think she's a good friend simply because she has better things to do than tag along on your dress fittings, then you're probably doing her a favor by asking her to step down and cutting off the friendship. I wouldn't be too interested in helping someone like you out either.
  • anniemay1anniemay1 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_just-dont-even-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:a44ca959-3a43-4802-8c4c-9bca6d27a734Post:d8c52953-86aa-4a5d-a64b-f8206cf0db4d">Re: I just don't even know what to do about MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]So if you already had an answer to your question, what are you doing here. If you don't think she's a good friend simply because she has better things to do than tag along on your dress fittings, then you're probably doing her a favor by asking her to step down and cutting off the friendship. I wouldn't be too interested in helping someone like you out either.
    Posted by TheDuckis[/QUOTE]

    Don't know I am sick and bored and thought I would post....All that is your opinion and you're making me out to be this monster. That simply isn;t the case but when you're asked to do something you should follow through and if you can't. You shouldn't accept the honor. The job of the MOH is to make the bride's life less stressed in the planning and such. I don't ask her to drop her life, she really doesn't have one. She has all the time in the world to help me out a little more, even at all.....and she chooses not too.... all I want is my supposed best friend to be involved with this part.
  • anniemay1anniemay1 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    This was found on the knot itself.... This is the job of the MOH.....

    The maid/matron of honor is part worker bee, part emotional lifeboat. Chosen for your energetic, get-the-ball-in-motion qualities, you should also remember that listening to the bride, making her laugh, and offering emotional and logistical support are also part of your honor attendant package. Here's what's expected:

    • Lead the bridesmaid troupe. It's the maid/matron of honor's (MOH) job to direct the other maids through their duties. Make sure everyone gets their bridesmaid dresses, go to dress fittings, and find the right jewelry. Also provide them with the 411 on all prewedding parties.

       

       

    • Help shop for dresses (the bride's and the bridesmaids'). And the MOH pays for her own entire wedding outfit (including shoes).

       

       

    • Offer to help the bride with prewedding tasks, from addressing invites to choosing the wedding colors and nodding enthusiastically when she waxes poetic about wedding cake.

       

       

    • Spread the news about where the bride and groom are registered.

       

       

    • Help the bride change for her honeymoon and take charge of her gown after the ceremony. Arrange for storage in a safe place until she returns.

       

       

    • Lend an ear. Whether it's about the planning, the marriage, or the registry china patterns, the MOH should assure the bride that she has someone with whom she can share her thoughts. Even if she seems to dwell on the same subjects repeatedly, the MOH keeps listening.

       

       

    • Host or cohost a bridal shower for the bride.

       

       

    • Attend all prewedding parties.

       

       

    • Keep a record of all the gifts received at various parties and showers (or delegate a bridesmaid to handle this).

       

       

    • Plan the bachelorette party with the bridesmaids.

       

       

    • See to it that all bridesmaids get to the rehearsal; coordinate transportation and lodging, if necessary.

       

       

    • Make sure that all bridesmaids get their hair and makeup done, get to the ceremony on time, and have the correct bouquets.

       

       

    • Hold the groom's ring during the ceremony. Safest place to put it? On your thumb.

       

       

    • Arrange the bride's train and veil before the ceremony begins and just after she arrives at the altar. The MOH might also need to help her bustle the train for easy dancing at the reception.

       

       

    • Hold the bride's bouquet while the couple exchanges vows.

       

       

    • Sign the marriage license as a witness, along with the best man.

       

       

    • Stand next to the groom in the receiving line (this is optional; the bride may decide to have attendants circulate among the guests instead).

       

       

    • Play hostess along with the other bridesmaids at frequent points during the reception: show guests where to sit, direct them to restrooms, tell them to where to put presents, invite them to sign the guest book, etc.

       

       

    • Collect any gift envelopes brought to the reception and keep them in a safe place.

       

       

    • Make sure the bride takes a moment to eat something -- refresh her drink, get her a plate of food from the buffet table, or instruct the wait staff to keep her entree warm.

       

       

    • Dance with the best man during the formal first-dance sequence and possibly be announced with him at the beginning of the party. Also dance with other groomsmen, the groom, and others.

       

       

    • Toast the couple after the best man. (This is optional, but it is a nice touch.)

       

       

    • Troubleshoot emotional crises. In most cases, this will require lots of tissues, hugging, and hair-smoothing. The MOH continues to be a trusted friend, a good listener, and a smart advisor.

       

       

    • Keep the bride laughing. For the stressed-out bride, laughter can be as effective as venting.

  • anniemay1anniemay1 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    and you seemed to have missed this part...

    "and I am really considering it.... but how do I do that without ruining my friendship with my best friend who honestly lately I just don't even feel like she is  a best friend. I have a hard time cutting ties with people because friends are hard to come by.... I honestly don't know what to do."
  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    It's been a long time since I saw that asinine list. Thanks for the laugh.

  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_just-dont-even-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:a44ca959-3a43-4802-8c4c-9bca6d27a734Post:aa5d6037-4918-4f5c-a9e5-690786d38665">Re: I just don't even know what to do about MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]and you seemed to have missed this part... "and I am really considering it.... but how do I do that without ruining my friendship with my best friend who honestly lately I just don't even feel like she is  a best friend. I have a hard time cutting ties with people because friends are hard to come by.... I honestly don't know what to do."
    Posted by anniemay1[/QUOTE]

    You don't. How would you feel if you woke up at the crack of dawn every morning, worked a full day, and just wanted to relax when you got home. Then your supposed best friend told you she didn't want you to be her MOH anymore because her dress fittings should be more important than spending time with your 10 year old? Pretty crappy? Really angry with your "friend"? Not interested in continuing the friendship? Right.

    PS. Friends are a lot easier to come by when you don't make such high demands of them.
  • edited December 2011
    PS--Duckis mentioned the three kids, right, including a 10 year old, that this MOH has.  God you're sadly in need of a reality check.  Read any of the posts titled "MOH is not......".  You'll see the same responses.  She's not being a crappy, MOH, you're being a crappy friend.  An engagement ring and a wedding venue doesnt not make you the boss of anyone. 

    I'm the mom of a 10 year old, and I'll tell you the last thing I'll do between hockey practice, soccer practice, school and play dates, is to come and watch some self-centered,  self-entitled bride play pretty princess day.  And yes, I'm talking about you.
  • edited December 2011
    ps--this woman gets up at dawn, works until 2 (and here's the part you're missing), parents her 10 year old until he/she is in bed.  That would be around 8:30 pm.  Then she has to make lunches for the next day before she falls into bed, unconscious.  Oh, and there's laundry, dishes, home maintenance.....
  • edited December 2011
    I have a similiar thing going on. My sister is my MOH and only bridesmaid. She has been completely absent from wedding planning but it's my wedding, not hers. I have other friends and family helping out without a title. And others have made comments that she is not involved and I tell them that she has to hold my hand the day of. I think you are hurt and maybe think she isn't excited for you. I would leave it alone if you value the friendship and find others to help you. I personally have more people who want to help then things to do. I hope this helps.




  • PaddamillPaddamill member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    AnnieMay1:
    Ignore the bitchiness coming from most people! Here is my take!

    My MOH and I were having issues and finally fixed them so I feel your stress and your anxiety about losing a friendship. For one, the MOH doesn't HAVE to do anything, granted it would be great and fun, but honestly it is just a tradition that people have come up with!

    I know you want her to be involved like crazy, helping you plan a bridal shower and bachelorette party, all the stuff we want our friends to do. However, if she isn't interested then she just isn't interested. Sit her down and talk to her face to face in a calm and kind way, don't send a message to her stating you will drop her if she doesn't do anything! That would be mean! If she can't "make time" or what have you, then understand that she can't or doesn't want to.

    You can have two MOH!! As many as you want! This is your day! If you want to make the person who wants to do all these nice things for you a MOH, then do it, but try and understand the Maid of Honor is just that, an honor, not an entertainment committee.

    Talk to her, if she doesn't want to do those nice things, then maybe ask the other woman to help you plan if you don't want to make her your maid of honor. My best friend isn't in my wedding party but she is helping me plan all that fun stuff because my MOH doesn't want to.
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  • Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I know! Don't you hate it when you ask someone to stand up with you the day of your wedding and be there for support and they don't immediately fall to their knees and kiss your shoes and scrub your toilets and empty the litter box and spend all their waking hours considering what they could do to make your life better and easier and how they can possibly live up to the honor you have bestowed on them?

    I just figured out what this is. A god complex. You have a god complex. Congratulations.
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  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Undecided at:

    - The list of "duties"

    - The OP's sense of entitlement

    - All of it, really

    The MOH sounds like the only sensible one in this whole story.
  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Guys, let's not be too hard on her. The Phoenix sun has obviously fried her brain beyond repair - and we all know, it's not nice to make fun of retards. 
    image
  • edited December 2011

    OP--I tried to warn you. Maybe next time you'll listen to reason.

    And if The Knot told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it? No? Then it doesn't make sense to take their word on MOH duties, now does it?


    Butter Cookie was right, you have a God complex. Get the fuuck over yourself.

  • anniemay1anniemay1 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You all are so stupid, haha its so funny! I mean I posted being bored. Nothing anyone has said has done anything other than make me laugh my arse off.... so thank you for that, I did need to laugh with all the stress I have been under.

    Yes my MOH should be doing everything on that list if not more....Yes she is a bitch for not even getting one ounce involved.... (instead she would rather stay home and smoke pot all day after work)

    NO i am not a horrible friend, I happen to care about my friends and yes when I feel they don't support me then I will find someone who does...

    thats all

    PEACE OUT!

  • GBCKGBCK member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_just-dont-even-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:a44ca959-3a43-4802-8c4c-9bca6d27a734Post:422f2c73-7300-4fbe-9906-3b18300405bf">Re: I just don't even know what to do about MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well anyway..... I will stick to this forum since I am not a snarky bride and since the title is wedding woes and this is a wedding woe....
    Posted by anniemay1[/QUOTE]

    See, there's the problem.
    "waaah, she doesn't pay enough attention to my wedding" (note, it's not "she doesn't pay enough attention to ME, it's 'she doesn't want to be involved in wedding crap') is NOT a wedding woe.
    It's a "wah, I'm not the center of the universe for EVERYONE just because I happen to be getting married" woe.

    And, you actually think a website designed to sell you crap is gives a flying fluck about relationship when it tells you the duties of your MOH?  really?

    (and...here's the rub...being your BFF, didn't you KNOW she's the sort of person who would rather stay at home and smoke pot than go to incredibly incrdibly dull *please poke my eyes out and put me out of my misery* dress fittings?  Why did you think your sparkly ring would change HER?)
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_just-dont-even-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a44ca959-3a43-4802-8c4c-9bca6d27a734Post:31d268da-d954-4843-9651-2710554ed28f">Re: I just don't even know what to do about MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]You all are so stupid, haha its so funny! I mean I posted being bored. Nothing anyone has said has done anything other than make me laugh my arse off.... so thank you for that, I did need to laugh with all the stress I have been under. Yes my MOH should be doing everything on that list if not more....Yes she is a bitch for not even getting one ounce involved.... (instead she would rather stay home and smoke pot all day after work) NO i am not a horrible friend, I happen to care about my friends and yes when I feel they don't support me then I will find someone who does... thats all PEACE OUT!
    Posted by anniemay1[/QUOTE]
     
    I have the feeling that if your "best friend" saw this post she would think you were a pretty sh!tty friend. Here you are calling her a bitch because she won't drop everything to be at your beck and call. Sounds like you're the POS to me and your friend needs to drop you as fast as possible. 

    And we may all be stupid, but at least we don't treat our friends as slaves then pretend to be posting out of boredom when we don't get the validation we so obviously came looking for in the first place.

    It makes me really sad to know there are people like you out there, and even sadder that there are girls who are willing to call themselves your friends.
  • Butter CookieButter Cookie member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    All I know is that I'm getting married in 6 months. One of my bridesmaids is having a personal crisis, another is OOT and another is also handling a lot personally, and it would never occur to me to demand that they do anything other than show up, maybe smile for pictures, and enjoy themselves. I'm lucky, MOH is coming to help me find a dress, but if she didn't I'd deal. I wouldn't fire her. She's my best friend and that's why I asked her to be my MOH. People's lives don't stop just because you're getting married. People don't suddenly owe you their servitude because you're a bride. You get one day.
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  • anniemay1anniemay1 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_just-dont-even-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:a44ca959-3a43-4802-8c4c-9bca6d27a734Post:a8168d2a-dd79-42c0-9c34-e3d9d1846f7d">Re: I just don't even know what to do about MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have a similiar thing going on. My sister is my MOH and only bridesmaid. She has been completely absent from wedding planning but it's my wedding, not hers. I have other friends and family helping out without a title. And others have made comments that she is not involved and I tell them that she has to hold my hand the day of. I think you are hurt and maybe think she isn't excited for you. I would leave it alone if you value the friendship and find others to help you. I personally have more people who want to help then things to do. I hope this helps.
    Posted by ErinMarieZ[/QUOTE]

    That's awesome that you do. I however, do not have a mother or mother in law to help me with any planning. My sister is in Chicago. My one friend is planning her own wedding and she is willing to help me but its not quite the same.... So being that I have no family and  my best friend is like a sister to me and someone I want being with me every step of the way. Since I don't have a mother to do that with'
    Sorry about wording and such I have been sick for 3 days.'

    I do not feel bad for wanting her to be there, i do not feel bad for ousting her if she can't start stepping up.
  • anniemay1anniemay1 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_just-dont-even-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:a44ca959-3a43-4802-8c4c-9bca6d27a734Post:6e2890d0-9884-4fc9-9e38-c5668f926a14">Re: I just don't even know what to do about MOH</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I just don't even know what to do about MOH :   I have the feeling that if your "best friend" saw this post she would think you were a pretty sh!tty friend. Here you are calling her a bitch because she won't drop everything to be at your beck and call. Sounds like you're the POS to me and your friend needs to drop you as fast as possible.  And we may all be stupid, but at least we don't treat our friends as slaves then pretend to be posting out of boredom when we don't get the validation we so obviously came looking for in the first place. It makes me really sad to know there are people like you out there, and even sadder that there are girls who are willing to call themselves your friends.
    Posted by Seshat411[/QUOTE]


    Really don't care if she does or not..... she is the shitty friend. When she has absolutely nothing going on in her life, she is there for everyone but when she is busy she alienates everyone.
  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Alright. We get it. You think she sucks. This begs the question: WhyTF did you ask her to be your MOH in the first place? I think it's because you suck.
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