OK, we can't judge my IL's by normal standards. They have a totally different paradigm of right and wrong. I don't agree with it, H doesn't agree with it.
There is 1 Grandma, she has 7 kids, each of them have 4 or more children (MIL has 6). They all live in the same small town, they all go to the same ultra conservative church, all of the children go to the same private school that is funded by the church. So the craziness is reinforced. They're very ethical, nice, religious folks, but they are "different". when I say "family" I mean the entire 100+ person unit. H was really happy to leave. H is also worried about his siblings. The school focuses so much on religion that the youngest two can barely read (14 and 15), and we want to be in their lives to make them feel like there is a world outside Small Town. H was glad to have some people who did that for him.
"Family" is a virtue. There is no "inviting", it's expected that your door is open to family anytime You don't sell or trade in old things (cars and houses included)- you are supposed to offer them to someone who might need it. They seem to have no idea that this amount of "closeness" is not normal. The women in the family invented the Mrs. Degree. They all have college degrees, but once they are married, they quit work, even if money is tight. Several families are on assistance while the SAHM's volunteer at the church. BC is also frowned upon. As a result, you have very large, poor families who depend on eachother to get their needs met. And everyone is a doormat, willingly. If we ever needed anything, they'd be there in a second.
MIL and FIL are the ringleaders of the family. MIL was as normal as the above circumstances allow, until the wedding. We got along great while H and I dated for 5 years.The night before the wedding, she crashed H's (very tame) BP, and it's been downhill ever since. I think she feels like I'm making him toss all of his "values" out of the window, and she's freaking out. H wants to go to the mattresses. He thinks his Mom needs to know that by disrespecting the family he chose she's disrespecting him and he's not going to allow it. On the other hand, they are his family, he does love them, and I think he'd regret cutting them out.
I'll let H say his piece, but I also need to have a sit down with her. Her issue isn't with H, it's with me, and she needs to know that I'm not H's replacement Mommy, I'm his wife, and she needs to back off about how I do that job, woman to woman.
Now, You guys do that thing where you put all this in perpective with your worldy wisdom, and I go "damn, you're right. I don't know how/why I live with this crap."