Advice

jesssmi5465

Ok so I am getting married and my parents are paying for the wedding.  My father and mother have been more than generous and have taken a back seat to the planning so FI and I can have the wedding the way we want it.  There is one limit that my father have given me and that is that each side gets 100 guests, which I think is more than generous.  My side has cut out list to fit the 100 limit but my FMIL refuses to budge,  they are 40 people over and she keeps trying to cut my FI's good friends from the list not any of her extended family that they hardly have a relationship with.  She claims that she will pay for the extra people but I just do not trust her word because they also offered to pay for our videographer which we hired months ago and now are acting like that was never on the table.  I would like to get the final cost per head before save the dates go out and get the money upfront.  Is that a bad idea?  I just dont want my parents to be taken advantage of.  

Wzz

are you and your FI willing to pay for the additional guests?

if not, you should have you FI (and you should be present) sit down at a table with your FMIL and explain to her that there is a strict 100 person limit, and they need to see whioch 40 people can be eliminated. that should really be the natural end of the conversation.

if they keep going on about paying for these people themselves, thank them, but tell them that there is a 100 person limit and they need to reduce their list by 40 people.

i'm not sure how far you are willing to go, but you said that until you have the money in hand you don't trust their word. to me, this is the end of the discussion.

NOLABridesmaid

You know she's going to make a copy of the invitation.

alikatt17

I think this is the only time I've ever found it acceptable to ask parents for money.

I would not be sending out any STDs to these extra people unless you have that cash in hand. 

Wzz

just ftr, i gave my mother and my Ils a 6 person limit on who they were allowed to invite if the people were not on the agreed upon guest list. this might seem small, but we had a budget to stick to since we paid for everything ourselves, and the important people were already invited. mom tried to tell me she would pay for the extra peope she wanted beyond those 6, but i stood firm at no.

i was glad i did because she never actually had any money to help with any extras she "offered" to help with. it didn't matter because we were able to cover everything ourselves.

but still. i would never trust someone saying they would pay for their people. how does that even work? do they take a headcount at the wedding and hand over a check?

MNNEBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_advice-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a9bb7e85-3a16-4023-84cb-4f7cbfa3996bPost:ef6e7cb3-ab65-4e28-8f88-fac0c509b874">Re: Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]are you and your FI willing to pay for the additional guests? <u>if not, you should have you FI (and you should be present) sit down at a table with your FMIL and explain to her that there is a strict 100 person limit, and they need to see whioch 40 people can be eliminated. that should really be the natural end of the conversation. if they keep going on about paying for these people themselves, thank them, but tell them that there is a 100 person limit and they need to reduce their list by 40 people.</u> i'm not sure how far you are willing to go, but you said that until you have the money in hand you don't trust their word. to me, this is the end of the discussion.
Posted by Wzz[/QUOTE]

If it continues after what Wzz suggests, your FI may ultimately need to say, "Please cut the list by 40 people by xday.  If it's not done by then, we'll need to cut the list ourselves."

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_advice-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:a9bb7e85-3a16-4023-84cb-4f7cbfa3996bPost:c073d5bf-c4b3-41cf-8dfc-297f5d3769de">Re: Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice : If it continues after what Wzz suggests, your <strong>FI may ultimately need to say, "Please cut the list by 40 people by xday.  If it's not done by then, we'll need to cut the list ourselves."</strong>
Posted by MNNEBride[/QUOTE]<div>
i would just skip to this step now. </div>

Wzz

that's another thing - your FI should be able to cut that list by 40 people without his parents' input. if he doesn't know the people on the list, that would make the decision even easier.

jesssmi5465

I just dont want her to completely hate me for cutting her list 

Wzz

you can't really control how she feels about it. you want her to cut her list AND be happy about it? i don't think there is a guarantee that will happen. i doubt she'll hate you forever.

again, are you and your FI willing to pay for anyone that may go over the 100 limit?

ReturnOfKuus

Don't give her a list at all.  Take her list as a list of suggestions, and since that's your FI's side, have him use that to get an idea of who he wants on his side. 

TheMrsC23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_advice-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:a9bb7e85-3a16-4023-84cb-4f7cbfa3996bPost:14cca99c-b585-45e6-9449-f7d1881f8e29">Re: Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]I just dont want her to completely hate me for cutting her list 
Posted by jesssmi5465[/QUOTE]

<div>Your FI should take responsibility and the lead in this situation.  And if his mom blames you, he needs to be prepared to deflect it off of you.  The 100 people per side was agreed upon.  He needs to hold up his end of the bargain even if that means going toe to toe with MIL. </div>

Knottie_22382102

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_advice-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:a9bb7e85-3a16-4023-84cb-4f7cbfa3996bPost:cb9db4ce-5f3b-4591-a9c2-f3febeee9574">Re: Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Advice : Your FI should take responsibility and the lead in this situation.  And if his mom blames you, he needs to be prepared to deflect it off of you.  The 100 people per side was agreed upon.  He needs to hold up his end of the bargain even if that means going toe to toe with MIL. 
Posted by TheMrsC23[/QUOTE]

This. FMIL blames me for all sorts of stuff that were simply decisions FI and I made together about our own lives and when she doesn't like something, she has a fit and hates me for it but doesn't hate him. She didn't talk to me for 2 months because we considered buying a house she didn't like. She talked to FI though. So I've learned it's important for him to deal with her for anything she might possibly perceive as negative.

I would stay at 100 people per side. You don't want twice as many people from FI's family than yours either. Don't allow her the control of changing the dynamic of your wedding and opening up the possibility for opening your wallets if you can't afford it either.