tightwad BIL to officiate

StarryEyed30

My future brother in law is supposed to be officiating our wedding because he is a minister.  He wants to charge my fiance and I $150 to do this.  we are getting married at the reception site, not his church.  I personally feel like he should be doing this as a gift to his brother?  Any thoughts and advice?

[Deleted User]

If he's doing a service for your wedding then you need to pay him. It would be nice if he just did it out of kindness but he's well within his right to be paid his fee. 

kmmssg

I think that is a steal. Why are you bringing up that you think he is a tightwad? Do I think it would be nice if he was doing this as a gift? Yes. Would I dream of charging my sibling if I was oficiating their wedding. No way. Unfortunately, he does and he is within his rights to charge for this. You could have someone else officiate, but you wouldn't save any money. In all honesty, just let it go and move forward. The sooner you do, the better you will feel.

StarryEyed30

Typically, the officiant is not invited to the reception though.  In this case he will be getting dinner, drinks and entertainment....

 in Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_tightwad-bil-to-officiate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:aaa20783-10c7-4f2e-b10c-a85a2b17da5aPost:13143be4-5762-49e7-b93c-ced9c5bafc70">Re: tightwad BIL to officiate</a>:
[QUOTE]I think that is a steal. Why are you bringing up that you think he is a tightwad? Do I think it would be nice if he was doing this as a gift? Yes. Would I dream of charging my sibling if I was oficiating their wedding. No way. Unfortunately, he does and he is within his rights to charge for this. You could have someone else officiate, but you wouldn't save any money. In all honesty, just let it go and move forward. The sooner you do, the better you will feel.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

willywally5

Definitely pay him. 

My brother owns a floor covering business; I didn't expect my flooring for free. My other brother is our broker. We pay him to handle our investments. My sister-in-law is a massage therapist; we pay for treatments. I could go on ... it's a big familly. ; )

Just because it's your wedding, doesn't mean you don't need to pay for services rendered. 

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_tightwad-bil-to-officiate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:aaa20783-10c7-4f2e-b10c-a85a2b17da5aPost:d0d7c91b-678a-4260-969f-f66c3eb546bc">Re: tightwad BIL to officiate</a>:
[QUOTE]Typically, the officiant is not invited to the reception though.  In this case he will be getting dinner, drinks and entertainment....  in Response to Re: tightwad BIL to officiate :
Posted by StarryEyed30[/QUOTE]



You are inviting him to your reception because he is your FI's brother - that has nothing to do with his roll as officient. And FTR, officients usually ARE invited to the reception. Those with whom you have no relationship don't usually attend, but those whom you know personally normally do.

Let it go.

TheSlowskys

I disagree. I think its pretty crappy. The flooring and investment broker thing are completely different. He us not missing out on business by officiating your wedding he would be there as a guest anyways. Where its not costing him anything to do it I think its crappy he's charging you. Pay him, but I wouldn't get him a gift like you would for other people participating in the ceremony.

kmmssg

If you are paying your officient, you don't normally get them a gift also.  If they don't want to pay him, they can choose another officient - who they will also have to pay.  

I agree it's kinda crappy, but a gift is a voluntary thing.  It isn't something that the receiver gets to choose.  This guy didn't choose to make his services a gift.  He doesn't have to.  Yeah, it is crappy, but OP and her FI don't get to decide that he has to marry them as his gift.

willywally5

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_tightwad-bil-to-officiate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:aaa20783-10c7-4f2e-b10c-a85a2b17da5aPost:6de6cc72-06ab-4914-b252-8f7034e07471">Re:tightwad BIL to officiate</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree. I think its pretty crappy. The flooring and investment broker thing are completely different. He us not missing out on business by officiating your wedding he would be there as a guest anyways. Where its not costing him anything to do it I think its crappy he's charging you. 
Posted by TheSlowskys[/QUOTE]

<div>I'll give you that the flooring is different because there are goods involved, not just time. But sticking to the broker and massage therapist. </div><div>
</div><div>Maybe BIL just wants to ATTEND the wedding and not be working. Is it selfish/crappy/tighwad of him? I dunno about that; it's just not what the bride has in mind.</div><div>
</div><div>For many years, I worked at our small-town newspaper. Often, I'd go to some local community or school and would just shoot a few photos, take some names and basically cover it because I was there anyway, many times off the clock. Sometimes I was asked to, but most of the time I offered. But know what? I got tired of watching events through the lens of my camera and having to worry about names, numbers and details. I just wanted to go be a normal spectator or participant and NOT be reporting on it. This was especially true for things like kids' sports, plays, etc. So I quite offering and only did it if I was on the clock or we were REALLY desperate for coverage. </div><div>
</div><div>Rev. BIL might just want a break to kick back and enjoy a family wedding. If he doesn't get to do that, he feels he should be compensated. </div>

peachiejean

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_tightwad-bil-to-officiate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:aaa20783-10c7-4f2e-b10c-a85a2b17da5aPost:8cfe88aa-5d9e-423d-9c05-19ff087ecb15">Re:tightwad BIL to officiate</a>:
[QUOTE]Rev. BIL might just want a break to kick back and enjoy a family wedding. If he doesn't get to do that, he feels he should be compensated. 
Posted by willywally5[/QUOTE]

<div><p class="MsoNormal">I agree. I think the person who would ask a family member to provide them with a service and NOT expect to pay...is closer to the definition of tightwad than someone asked to work and expect compensation for it. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">My father is a photographer and was asked to take pictures for my cousins' weddings. It was work for him not a chance to be with family during a celebration….just work. Yes, he was more than happy to do it for them but it is rude to assume he didn’t deserve anything for his time. </p></div>

kmmssg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_tightwad-bil-to-officiate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:aaa20783-10c7-4f2e-b10c-a85a2b17da5aPost:8cfe88aa-5d9e-423d-9c05-19ff087ecb15">Re:tightwad BIL to officiate</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:tightwad BIL to officiate : I'll give you that the flooring is different because there are goods involved, not just time. But sticking to the broker and massage therapist.  Maybe BIL just wants to ATTEND the wedding and not be working. Is it selfish/crappy/tighwad of him? I dunno about that; it's just not what the bride has in mind. <strong>For many years, I worked at our small-town newspape</strong>r. Often, I'd go to some local community or school and would just shoot a few photos, take some names and basically cover it because I was there anyway, many times off the clock. Sometimes I was asked to, but most of the time I offered. But know what? I got tired of watching events through the lens of my camera and having to worry about names, numbers and details. I just wanted to go be a normal spectator or participant and NOT be reporting on it. This was especially true for things like kids' sports, plays, etc. So I quite offering and only did it if I was on the clock or we were REALLY desperate for coverage.  Rev. BIL might just want a break to kick back and enjoy a family wedding. If he doesn't get to do that, he feels he should be compensated. 
Posted by willywally5[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>OMG Willie - I worked for our small town newspaper for 4 years back in the early 80's before I went in the military!!  We must seriously be long lost sisters or something!

</div>

willywally5

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_tightwad-bil-to-officiate?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:aaa20783-10c7-4f2e-b10c-a85a2b17da5aPost:263310ff-b2fb-4209-bc5c-2ffaccb76f16">Re:tightwad BIL to officiate</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:tightwad BIL to officiate : OMG Willie - I worked for our small town newspaper for 4 years back in the early 80's before I went in the military!!  We must seriously be long lost sisters or something!
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

<div>WOW! Totally weird. I never was in the military, but my kids sometimes think I'm a drill sergeant!!!! ; )</div>

StarryEyed30

Just to clear things up:  My FBIL actually just assumed he would be officiating our wedding.  He approached us about it and we then agreed.  To give some background, he is a 38 year old man who lives with his parents, has never been in a relationship and shamelessly mooches off of whoever will allow him to.  Yes, I am resentful of him because he takes advantage of the people around him who enable him to be this way.  I have been on my own since I was 18, I am now 30.  Everything I have I have worked for and earned.  He has had everything in life handed to him on a silver platter.  His father cooks, cleans, shops, does all of the yardwork, etc....and he thinks that $40 a week covers that?!  He works at McDonalds where he has been since high school and has no drive to be his own person.  Yes I am resentful towards him and yes i think he should start giving back to the people who have carried him for so long, including his 33 year old brother.

kmmssg

Well that was a new piece of information!

I'm lost a bit here.  How is he a minister but has always worked at McD's?  Is this an online thing?  Is he truly a minister with a church?  I think a lot of might see this differently if you could elaborate.

If your wedding is really August 2013 you can just look for a new minister easily enough.  Can you elaborate a bit?

BTCarolus

Yeah, is it actually important to your FI that his brother officiate? (And is the brother actually able to?!) I totally agree with other posters in that you can't take advantage of family and friends...but it sounds like maybe he ambushed you with this request, and then it became clear that he really was just doing it to get you to supplement his income. That's pretty lame. I'd go with a real professional.

StarryEyed30

He works full time at McDs and also is the minister for a very small non denominational church...he gets very little money from this.  He runs every aspect of this church and does sunday service 3 out of 4 sundays each month.(another minister comes in the other sunday to give him a sunday off)

NeedWeddingFavors

I think it is wrong to build bad blood with your in-laws before you have even married into it. He is giving up the opportunity to do another wedding and get paid for it. If he just did it for free would you still expect a wedding gift?

The florist at our wedding was a good friend of my ILs. We talked pricing for our flowers, he put everything together, wrote us an invoice and at the wedding wrote us a card saying that the flowers were our wedding gift from him.

If your BIL was planning to do the same and you are badmouthing him, you've burned that bridge for no reason him. $150 is not a big deal in a wedding budget.

kmmssg

OK - bottom line - do you guys WANT him to perform your wedding?  How important is this to your FI?