FMIL Acting Like a Child, I'm in Need of Advice

Lady+Wolf

My fiance and I have been struggling with the whole father/ daughter and mother/son dance things because my bio dad will not be at my wedding due to us having a bad relationship. My stepdad and mom are giving me away. When it came to thinking about the father/daughter dance, it made me feel nervous. I don't like dancing, and neither does my stepdad. So my fiance and I decided not to have either dance with our parents. My FMIL then made it clear she would be upset if she didn't get her dance with her son.

So we begrudgingly agreed to let her have it, but decided to have us both dance with our parents at the same time so the focus wouldn't just be on one of us. This however was not good enough for my FMIL, because she sent a message saying the song she wanted for HER dance was called "Mother's Song" which would not work with the combined dance. We told her as much and she called my fiance to throw a fit and say that if she doesn't get her song, she doesn't want to go to the wedding.

I never had any problems with his mom until the wedding, then she started making things about her. Should I call her bluff and see if she still comes to the wedding, or should I just give her what she wants? I'm honestly mad that she's acting like a selfish child and causing drama and I want to tell her to screw off, but my fiance wants her there and I know this is putting him in an akward position. I don't know if even me talking to her would do any good. She has been getting upset easily over wedding stuff and she takes things the wrong way and doesn't really listen to me.

Wzz

i wouldn't get involved in a problem between your FI and his mother. you said he wants her there, so whatever he decided is his decision. if you think he's in an awkward position, you could speak to HIM about it, but he's an adult, so you don't need to be his mother and talk to his actual mother about how he feels. as an adult, he could do that himself.

VarunaTT

You and FI made a decision.  He needs to tell her that it's YOUR wedding and YOU both made this decision re: it.  If she continues to throw a fit, you will be returning to the previous decision of not having the dance at all.  "I love you, Mom, but this is how it is."

She won't not come.  She's using that as a threat to manipulate.  Don't allow her to.  

jennylee813

Agree. Let your FI deal with her. It's always best for each of you to deal with issues regarding your own families, because when you get involved with his family, YOU'RE always going to be the bad guy.

Trust me. Let your FI make his decision and support whatever he decides.

Lady+Wolf

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fmil-acting-like-a-child-im-in-need-of-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b0c21478-236d-4878-823e-55c6d615008fPost:78a76204-bbcc-43b5-b819-c9956291e6c7">Re: FMIL Acting Like a Child, I'm in Need of Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]You and FI made a decision.  He needs to tell her that it's YOUR wedding and YOU both made this decision re: it.  If she continues to throw a fit, you will be returning to the previous decision of not having the dance at all.  "I love you, Mom, but this is how it is." She won't not come.  She's using that as a threat to manipulate.  Don't allow her to.  
Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]
I agree, I think it's just a threat she made because she was upset. Unfortunately she doesn't see it as an issue between her and her son, she sees it as ME not giving her what she wants, even though we both made the decision. She told my fiance he needs to "grow a pair" and just tell me that she will be getting what she wants. He again explained it was both of our decision, but she just brought up reasons why she felt we owed her, like us not inviting her friends, even though she never asked. We think if she just has some time to think about it, she'll realize she's being ridiculous, but I'm worried this is ruining my still developing relationship with her. I'll definitely feel akward every time I see her now.

flower_diva

why don't you dance with your mom(all the old ladies do it anyway at weddings) and he dance with his mom ...and you can call it the "Mom dance"   use her song and call it a day....weddings are anything but traditional anymore, go for it and keep the peace,you'll be glad you did down the road after the wedding.

Salsera29

Just throwing another option out there...maybe you could reconsider dancing with your stepdad. There are a lot of appropriate songs that aren't too mushy, and you can tell the DJ or band to keep it short. It might be worth it to suck it up for 1 minute to keep the peace with your FMIL.

Lady+Wolf

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fmil-acting-like-a-child-im-in-need-of-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b0c21478-236d-4878-823e-55c6d615008fPost:eae4e67f-07e6-4d58-a34b-02904e5695c7">Re: FMIL Acting Like a Child, I'm in Need of Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]Just throwing another option out there...maybe you could reconsider dancing with your stepdad. There are a lot of appropriate songs that aren't too mushy, and you can tell the DJ or band to keep it short. It might be worth it to suck it up for 1 minute to keep the peace with your FMIL.
Posted by Salsera29[/QUOTE]
You mean to have the dance alone with my stepdad so she has her dance alone with her son? I guess I don't see why it's necessary for her to be selfish and demanding like that. She's barely been involved with the wedding by her own choice, and I've invited her to plenty of stuff but she comes up with lame excuses as to why she can't come. Then she complains about stuff later. She's being extremely difficult and my fiance agrees she shouldn't just get what she wants because she throws a fit. We've both found her extremely difficult to deal with lately. I'm really just hoping this stops after the wedding is over.

Salsera29

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fmil-acting-like-a-child-im-in-need-of-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b0c21478-236d-4878-823e-55c6d615008fPost:b230a7d7-1561-4d47-b5d9-556886fd749e">Re: FMIL Acting Like a Child, I'm in Need of Advice</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: FMIL Acting Like a Child, I'm in Need of Advice : You mean to have the dance alone with my stepdad so she has her dance alone with her son? I guess I don't see why it's necessary for her to be selfish and demanding like that. She's barely been involved with the wedding by her own choice, and I've invited her to plenty of stuff but she comes up with lame excuses as to why she can't come. Then she complains about stuff later. She's being extremely difficult and my fiance agrees she shouldn't just get what she wants because she throws a fit. We've both found her extremely difficult to deal with lately. I'm really just hoping this stops after the wedding is over.
Posted by Lady+Wolf[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah that is what I meant. I usually go with the path of least resistance when it comes to my difficult mother, so that was the solution that I thought of, but I admire you for standing your ground. Hopefully you are setting a precedent that she can't pout and whine to get her way. I do think everyone calms down a little when the big event is over. Have you decided what to do about the dance?</div>

kmmssg

I don't understand why they can't just dance together alone?  Why did you guys decide that the attention shouldn't just be on one of you?  I have been to weddings where there was only a dad/daughter dance, and where there was only a mom/son dance.

The reason I ask is because this was something that was heartfelt and important to the moms of both of my sons'in law.

If you guys made the decision because your FI is shy and doesn't want the attention that is one thing, but if you made the decision based on you not being able to dance with your dad I'm curious as to why this was an issue.

FTR - she is behaving horridly.

Lady+Wolf

My MIL apologized to me before the wedding and tried to explain her reasons for being upset. She said she felt like she was losing another son and was freaking out over it. Her middle son passed away about 8 years ago so that is what she was referring to. I think that is a bit overly dramatic since my husband isn't dying by marrying me, but I told her I understood and accepted her apology.
We decided to go with our oriiginal idea to have our dances together, and we're both very glad we did that. Me and my stepdad are both shy and dislike dancing, but it turned into a very emotional and sentimental time for us. We were both thankful to not be alone on the dance floor with everyone watching us cry. I've had no further issues with my MIL, but she hasn't been around much either.