my family is ruining everything :(

squiggle09

UGH!!!  I am recently engaged (2 weeks ago but still on cloud 9 somewhat) and what should have been one of the happiest days of my life has been crushed torn butchered and slaughtered.    great combination huh?  

My parents dont like my choice of marrying my FI.  When I finally was brave enough to tell my parents I was engaged the first thing my mother does is bawl like a baby and ask me why?  are you even sure?  why, why, why, why, you would think I had killed someone and told her that I did.  My parents and I had a "serious" talk aka them lecturing me and telling me all sorts of BS that if you get married its going to be your mistake to live with when 10 years or less down the road you regret doing this and realize how big of a mistake you made marrying and enlisted poor boy.  They lectured me for a good two hours.  Telling me everything my FI has ever done wrong in their eyes, telling me how poor he is and how we will never have a good life and will live in poverty forever. (thats not going to happen mind you we are both finishing up college debt free, we each have a savings account with plenty of safety money, I will be a nurse in the labor unit he an electrical technician) anyways, I got so sick of what they were saying.  When they were finally done they threw in something that hurts me more than I think anything in this world ever will..... they said " We think it wise you not share this "news" with anyone until you are positive you want to do this and are willing to accept the outcome it will bring! Oh and dont wear your ring around people we know either so you can save yourself the heartbreak and embarrassment that will come when this ends badly." 

OUCH that was such a huge smack in the face.  My parents have always been very controlling of me (military father with 30 years service, mother who is 100% submissive to my father no matter what) so it didnt surprise me when they reacted the way they did, still hurt though.  I am the baby and I am still living under their roof due to college and all the expenses that come with that.  I have been able to survive and put up with all their BS since I can remember but this, this has crossed over way too many lines.  

They have me so upset and so mad that I am thinking of just leaving them period and not even let them come to my wedding.  Anyone else ever had a nightmare of a family try and ruin everything about this special time?  If so how in the hell did you survive? 

Butter Cookie

The thing about being an adult is realizing that your parents aren't always right and they don't always know what's best for you. Unfortunately you need to learn that now, before you get married and before you go through with this wedding.

It's not like you have to yell and scream and bitch at her, just listen and be open to what she says, let her know you hear her, and let her know the reasons you're marrying your FI, and let her know that while you wished she could support your decisions you won't change your mind.

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_family-ruining-everything?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:b0dd7c87-9bed-4e39-9c5e-e83d4f5619c2Post:c9dfe70c-044b-4dcc-a8bb-692fd0b37043">my family is ruining everything :(</a>:
[QUOTE]UGH!!!  I am recently engaged (2 weeks ago but still on cloud 9 somewhat) and what should have been one of the happiest days of my life has been crushed torn butchered and slaughtered.  :(  great combination huh?   My parents dont like my choice of marrying my FI.  When I finally was brave enough to tell my parents I was engaged the first thing my mother does is bawl like a baby and ask me why?  are you even sure?  why, why, why, why, you would think I had killed someone and told her that I did.  My parents and I had a "serious" talk aka them lecturing me and telling me all sorts of BS that if you get married its going to be your mistake to live with when 10 years or less down the road you regret doing this and realize how big of a mistake you made marrying and enlisted poor boy.  They lectured me for a good two hours.  Telling me everything my FI has ever done wrong in their eyes, telling me how poor he is and how we will never have a good life and will live in poverty forever. (thats not going to happen mind you we are both finishing up college debt free, we each have a savings account with plenty of safety money, I will be a nurse in the labor unit he an electrical technician) anyways, I got so sick of what they were saying.  When they were finally done they threw in something that hurts me more than I think anything in this world ever will..... they said " We think it wise you not share this "news" with anyone until you are positive you want to do this and are willing to accept the outcome it will bring! Oh and dont wear your ring around people we know either so you can save yourself the heartbreak and embarrassment that will come when this ends badly."  OUCH that was such a huge smack in the face.  My parents have always been very controlling of me (military father with 30 years service, mother who is 100% submissive to my father no matter what) so it didnt surprise me when they reacted the way they did, still hurt though. <strong> I am the baby and I am still living under their roof due to college and all the expenses that come with that.</strong>  I have been able to survive and put up with all their BS since I can remember but this, this has crossed over way too many lines.   They have me so upset and so mad that I am thinking of just leaving them period and not even let them come to my wedding.  Anyone else ever had a nightmare of a family try and ruin everything about this special time?  If so how in the hell did you survive? 
Posted by squiggle09[/QUOTE]

How old are you and your FI? And maybe it's time to move out of your parents' house and stand on your own two feet. You'll never regret learning how to be a self-sufficient adult who only has herself to rely on before you get married.

Zippy88k

I had a less dramatic version of this happen to me. Rather than telling me I was making a huge mistake and that I would embarrass them, etc, my parents simply stated their concerns about my FI (that he doesn't go to church and a few little things), and I was really upset at first, but once we had a rational conversation, I realized that they weren't saying, dont' marry him, they were just warning me about things they saw, and wanting reassurance from me. I'm the baby, too, and the only girl, and they just need to parent as much as they can. But I agree with others who say that independence is important. All of the drama happened while I was still living at home (I just graduated from college), and I'm still largely dependent upon my parents. The fact that I am dependent upon my parents and they are paying for a huge part of the wedding ultimately means they have the right to voice their opinion, even if it's difficult.

Also, think of it this way. They love you, and they trust you, or else they wouldn't have said what they did, for fear of losing you. Ultimately, at the root of anything they say, no matter how heinous, it's clear they love you.

kayakrunhike

I'm curious as to what their reasons were for disliking your FI enough to not want you to marry him.  Did they disapprove of him before now?  Are there any legitimate concerns that they have, including that you may be too young to get married?  I understand why you are upset, and I think your mom was pretty dramatic with her reaction.  But.  I have a feeling there was some indication of their feelings previous to this talk you had with them. 

And, why wasn't your FI there when you broke the news?  The fact that he was absent in itself tells me that you may not have expected a positive reaction to begin with.

Heffalump

I can't read all of that, but I skimmed your poll and it should be "lose," not "loose."  Loose is the opposite of tight; lose is when you experience the loss of something.

Sloane99

When we cut through the dramatics of your post, basically it boils down to this: you want to marry your FI, he wants to marry you, and your parents don't like him and/or want you to marry him, right? Forget about "hurting you more than anything in this world ever will" and all that crap for a second and look at the situation.

You are an adult and are free to make this decision, including telling whomever you want that you're engaged or inviting people to the wedding.

However, as an adult, it is also your responsibility to take into account what other adults are saying to you. Is it possible your parents have legitimate concerns here? If so, evaluate those and address them head-on.