To invite father to wedding or not? Advice!

junebabymia

Alright ladies please bare with me this might be a bit long

Back story: My father was very abusive to my mother, brother, and myself.(mentally, emotionally, and physically). For a few years he was actually a pretty good father and mended his relationship with my brother. Fastforward to 2 years ago, My brothers ex gf breaks up with her (second )baby daddy and loses her house. My parents took her in so she could have visitation with her children(she is not a mentally stable person and lost custody) a few months into this she said she slept with my father. all hell broke loose my parents divorced(it was coming anyway) and my brother hates my father.(he let her live with him for six months after my mother left).

Ok, So while planning our wedding I had asked my father for a loan(5k) he flipped out and said some very hurtful things to me. which in return made me bring up everything horrible he had done to me as a child.(not because I wanted to get money out of him! Because of the horrible things he said)He then told me not to worry he would not ruin my wedding because he would not be there. My brother refused to attend if my father was there so I invited him and his wife because my father wasn't coming. Now my father kinda mopes around says to take a lot of pictures during the wedding. I feel guilty now...I just dont know what to do!

Either my brother and his wife come and my father doesnt(was going to have my uncle walk me down the aisle). Or my father comes and my brother doesnt(I invited him already) I just cant help but feel horrible!

ElleB87

You are by no means obligated to invite your father and honestly, if I were you I wouldn't.  If I had had a local wedding I wouldn't have invited my mother because she was abusive.

In regards to the money you asked for...in hindsight you probably shouldn't have asked for it. It's up to you and your fiance to pay for your wedding or any other life expenses.  If someone wants to help you out financially, they will offer.  Especially when your father was such a douche and you're obviously not close, you really shouldn't have gone down that road. 

In terms of your father and your brothers ex, it's not your place to get involved. Yes, it's not cool, but they (I assume) were both consenting adults and can do what they please.  Of course your brother has a right to be a wee bit pissed (especially if him and his baby mama were together at the time) or disgusted, but that's his issue - not yours. I wouldn't go near that situation with a ten foot poll. It's extra drama you don't need to be involved in. 

Your father does sound worthy of Douche Bag of the Year so you do have my sympathies there.  Not inviting him to the wedding will likely cause permanent, irreparable damage to your relationship, if you're okay with that then I wouldn't invite him. I don't think you'd miss out on much by not having him in your life IMHO.  Talk to your venue about possible security options (either hiring venue employees or going with a private security company) and I would also keep a log of if/when your father contacts you, the verbal abuse, threats, etc...and maybe you'll be able to get a restraining order. 

Laurenbiz

If I had someone in my family with the same characteristics as your father, I would be sure that they NEVER received an invite.

I'm actually working on the A, B, C lists of my guest list at the moment. People I'm transferring to the C list are those who I just don't know well - like people my mom told me to invite because they are some cousin of hers, yet I don't really know the person. Working on my A, B, C lists forced me to ask myself, "how often do I talk to ______?"

So I would also ask yourself what communication you even maintain with him? This may be helpful with your decision. Maybe not - I'm not sure.

But all in all, if he has caused this much grief in your life to you and to your family, why would you want him at your wedding? (Blunt but honest question!)

I hope that helps!

6fsn

Forget it's your dad for a minute.  You want to invite an emotionally and physically abusive man to your wedding?  Forget your wedding, do you really want this man in your life?

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_to-invite-father-to-wedding-or-not-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:b25a2f47-d574-4f93-aead-01167f6d6af5Post:7b419b77-839c-4a85-a2a0-8125b644c631">To invite father to wedding or not? Advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]Alright ladies please bare with me this might be a bit long Back story: My father was very abusive to my mother, brother, and myself.(mentally, emotionally, and physically). For a few years he was actually a pretty good father and mended his relationship with my brother. Fastforward to 2 years ago, My<strong> brothers ex gf breaks up with her (second )baby daddy and loses her house</strong>. My parents took her in so she could have visitation with her children(she is not a mentally stable person and lost custody) a few months into this <strong>she said she slept with my father</strong>. all hell broke loose my parents divorced(it was coming anyway) and my brother hates my father.(he let her live with him for six months after my mother left). Ok, So <strong>while planning our wedding I had asked my father for a loan(5k)</strong> he flipped out and said some very hurtful things to me. which in return made me bring up everything horrible he had done to me as a child.(not because I wanted to get money out of him! Because of the horrible things he said)He then told me not to worry he would not ruin my wedding because he would not be there. My brother refused to attend if my father was there so I invited him and his wife because my father wasn't coming. Now my father kinda mopes around says to take a lot of pictures during the wedding. I feel guilty now...I just dont know what to do!<strong> Either my brother and his wife come and my father doesnt(was going to have my uncle walk me down the aisle). Or my father comes and my brother doesnt(I invited him already)</strong> I just cant help but feel horrible!
Posted by junebabymia[/QUOTE]

Are you going to be getting married on Springer? Cause if not, you should - he'd pay for your wedding, and you wouldn't need to borrow money from your *dead bear* dad.

NOLABridesmaid

That's a lot of family issues. Girl, just elope.

dharmabunny

OP, you realize that the mopey sh!t is a manipulation tool, right? Probably the same ones he used to devalue you and the rest of your family into putting up with his abuse instead of having him arrested for assault and battery like any stranger on the street would have done. You didn't actually follow through on that loan, did you?

Heffalump

Um, so did she actually sleep with your father, or just say that she did?

Yes, that is pretty much where my interest lies here.

Also, I don't mean to be harsh, but why would you borrow money from this man, relative or not?  I'd rob a bank first, if I needed the money that badly.  But seriously, if you need to ask for money from people this toxic, I'd hold off on the wedding planning and the TTC until you're on more stable financial footing.

librababy

I would probably not invite him (at the risk of not having your brother there, who you seem to be close to and have a good relationshio with). 

I am inviting my father, however I doubt he will be able to make it. If he doesn't come that will be for the best because I already asked my stepfather to walk me down the aisle...if my father is there, I know it will cause some family drama (on his side).

ReturnOfKuus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_to-invite-father-to-wedding-or-not-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b25a2f47-d574-4f93-aead-01167f6d6af5Post:9a91a905-273e-4433-be79-7f26e219498a">Re: To invite father to wedding or not? Advice!</a>:
[QUOTE]Um, so did she actually sleep with your father, or just say that she did? Yes, that is pretty much where my interest lies here. Also, I don't mean to be harsh, but why would you borrow money from this man, relative or not?  I'd rob a bank first, if I needed the money that badly.  But seriously, if you need to ask for money from people this toxic, I'd hold off on the wedding planning and the TTC until you're on more stable financial footing.
Posted by Heffalump[/QUOTE]


All of this, but especially the part about the ex-gf sleeping with your dad.  Inquiring minds want to know!

zitiqueen

Do you still live with your dad?

junebabymia

This is a bit hard to explain, while my father was abusive he could also be very nice at times and was always willing to help us out growing up so we are somewhat close but also not.(I know sounds stupid) When I was 16 I got into a physical fight with him and moved out to live with my fiance. (when I dont live with my father we get along.

My brother was with the ex all through high school and she even lived with us for 3 years then.(should have metioned this before). When all hell broke loose I was 8 months pregnant and was thrown into the middle of everything it was rediculous and very stressful. I dont know if he slept with her or not but he let her stay in the house with him for 6 months after and basically provided for her and her kids when she had visitaion.
My unlce whom I was going to ask to walk me down the aisle has never had children and was a second dad when I was younger. we would go to his house(a block away) to get away from my father. He is the nicest guy ever.

mdeidre

First, my dad was abusive to my mom, but not me.  I've blocked out a lot of the first 6 years of my life (up til he left) because of stuff he did, so I've been there.  I've also been in an abusive marriage and worked in a domestic violence shelter for 4 years, so I have some professional as well as personal experience with this topic.

Abusers will try to control the people and situations in their lives in any way that they can.  They do this by being nice sometimes, because if they were always douchbags it would be so much easier to kick them to the curb.  They also control by using guilt, domination (phyiscal or mental) and manipulation.  This is what your dad is doing, this is another way for him to try to control you since he can't get his hands on you to make you do what he wants you to do.

If you were to get some counseling for the horrible things I'm sure you've gone through, they would explain the cycle of abuse, which is uaually represented by a large circle with three stages: Tension-the abuse is building up, not much has happened, but you can feel it coming; Explosion-an abusive episode occurs; Honeymoon-the abuser tries to make up, they're so sweet, they'll never do it again, please forgive me, I'll get help, etc; The Honeymoon stage then flows right back into the Tension phase again and the cycle continues.

Your dad has not changed, he will not change, not without a lot of hard work, much counseling and a lot more hard work.  And some more counseling.  I won't tell you to kick your dad out of your life, only you can decide if that's something you want to do, but I can tell you with absolute certainty, charts and graphs if you like, that you will get nothing but more of the same from him, gradually getting worse, as long as he continues to have access to you. 

My dad got the help and did the hard work and I still see glimmers of it in him from time to time, but I've gotten tougher so he doesn't get to me.  PLEASE talk to someone professional about what you went through as a child, no one should bear those memories and feelings alone, no you should not just "get over it" or try to block it out.  Please get help with this, no matter what else you decide to do.

flower_diva

for real...definately a Jerry Springer episode

suzetteparker

If you feel you can only invite one or the other, then can you put yourself in the future say.... 10 years and look back?  Imagining your wedding day,  who do you think will be most likely to leave you with good memories?  Having your dad there or your brother?

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