Wedding Woes

Big fight-need to vent-at a loss

Now I'm not sure if we're getting married anymore. :-(

Every time we fight (almost) and it's sometimes about the same things and sometimes different, it generally comes back to the same premise. That there is something about me that my FI has some struggle with. Like my past relationships. (which he delved in to in ways that didn't make me feel comfortable-kind of forced me in to telling him some private things) or the fact that I'm an animal lover and am very attached to the dog i've had for 4 years before knowing him. On top of everything, he isn't an American citizen (getting a degree here so he's a student visa) and is in the process of renewing his passport and Visa, which is proving relatively complicated and stressing him out.

I know that something has bothered him for the last several days but he kept telling me nothing. Then last night he freaked out, told me it was just stress and he was trying to let it all go an me asking made it worse.

Ok, so I let it go. I rolled over and tried to go to sleep. No need to push more and make it worse. Then he randomly says when we buy a house no pet is ever setting food inside. They will be strictly outside animals (which I have never agreed with. Pets are not lawn ornaments). I told him I couldn't agree to that. Then he freaked out about how I just let the argument go so fast, that i didn't keep pushing, like he just told me not to.

At some point, being worried that something about yourself will bother your significant other, gets pretty stressful. A lot of it is cultural differences on things that seem minor to me, but are big to him. I've stopped talking about any part of my past since it reminds him of the conversation he brought up about exes. But I won't change everything about me just to be with him. I would much rather be gloriously single than with someone I resent deep down; and i'm afraid that will happen if i change too much.

So, at this point, I don't know what's happening. He left, so i left. I came home an hour later and he was home and in bed. I slept on the couch. I did not want to share a bed with some of the things he was yelling.

So. Here we are. 4 months away from marraige. And i feel like I could be making a huge mistake that will end in divorce anyway. And from a culture not huge on divorce, i'm at a loss.

Sorry for the novel. I'm pretty upset. To a level that I feel numb about it. Thanks for reading. I just needed to type it out and try to release.

Re: Big fight-need to vent-at a loss

  • There is no need to get married.  Postpone the wedding at the very least and work through this for yourself.

    Honestly?  It sounds like you should leave.  None of this is going to suddenly change when he's your husband.
  • You're obviously struggling, and I feel for you.

    But it honestly sounds like you two are not compatible. Fighting all the time about the same things and feeling like you have to not talk about your history or change yourself are not hallmarks of a good and lasting relationship. 

    I would think long and hard about getting married to this man. Marriage is about a hell of a lot more than love, and love won't see you through basic incompatibility. 
    image
  • Yeah. I mean, we don't fight a lot, but when we do it comes back to the same thing it seems. He tells me that my outlook or what I am doing is not right.
  • MNNEBrideMNNEBride Midwest member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_big-fight-need-to-vent-at-a-loss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:b65f0929-fa83-4e99-a4b2-d0e5cb9d6e07Post:cf4f3718-b8ac-4f6a-9593-05405d948dc6">Re: Big fight-need to vent-at a loss</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah. I mean, we don't fight a lot, but when we do it comes back to the same thing it seems. He tells me that my outlook or what I am doing is not right.
    Posted by dperalsuri[/QUOTE]

    Someone who doesn't agree with the way you view life or live your life is not a compatable marriage partner.  I would suggest that you both go to couples counseling and either work it out or decide it's not fixable.  This is important to do NOW.  Postpone the wedding until this is figured out.
    image
  • I'll have to say after your 2nd post, I agree with BMom here. 
  • This sounds A LOT like my sister's situation.  She ended up going through with the wedding despite the issues and arguments and now they are attempting to go to counseling (even though his culture is extremely against it).  I honestly think that it will end in divorce because he can't get past that she was bought up "american" or dated guys when she was in her teens and early 20s and several other issues. 

    You two will never get past your "issues" by just covering them up.  Postponing the wedding may be the best option.  Who knows what will happen a couple of months down the road. 
    MNNE is right.  You should try to fix things BEFORE you make the commitment to get married.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • i'm going to agree with the others - it sounds like a major compatibility issue.

    based on your OP here and PP (the one about the "fake" wedding set) - I'm betting at least some of this is coming from very different cultural backgrounds.

    I'd recommend posponing the wedding and seeking counseling (although I doubt this would help) or breaking it off and finding someone more compatable with you on a basic level.
  • What I'm reading here is that he's very controlling.  He wants to set the house rules for both of you unilaterally, and he's all upset that you didn't hit puberty only on the exact moment you met him.  Cultural issue or no, this is a recipe for an unhappy marriage for you, where he acts as your lord and master rather than your partner.  I'd break it off completely.
    image
  • If you're concerned that your marriage won't last and you're not even married yet, that's a huge red flag.  After reading through everything, I'd pull the plug before the wedding, rather than after.  Good luck.
  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_big-fight-need-to-vent-at-a-loss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:b65f0929-fa83-4e99-a4b2-d0e5cb9d6e07Post:7fa34b97-3778-445d-b8bf-377a49ab66a2">Big fight-need to vent-at a loss</a>:
    [QUOTE] Then he randomly says when we buy a house no pet is ever setting food inside. They will be strictly outside animals (which I have never agreed with. Pets are not lawn ornaments). I told him I couldn't agree to that.
    Posted by dperalsuri[/QUOTE]

    If he happens to be Muslim, they are not permitted to have inside dogs because there is the belief that their barking scares away the spirit.

    And it sounds like you have some big issues and should be reconsidering where your relationship is headed.

  • Please don't excuse his behaviour by saying it's "cultural issues". He's degrading you because he isn't the first guy you've dated. If he has such a big problem being with a woman who has had previous relationships he should be with someone who shares his beliefs (and who doesn't mind being a doormat).

    It sounds like he was fishing for something to hold over your head to be honest and attacking a person's "romantic history" is a disgusting, albeit effective, way to do so. He sounds like a controlling monster. He has no respect for you or animals which are two huge problems (you can't even call them red flags...they're more like red semi trucks hurling towards you at 100 miles an hour).  Yes, stress makes people grumpy, and sometimes it even makes people lash out, but what your FI is doing is not just being grumpy. He's being emotionally abusive.

    To me it wouldn't matter if you were 4 years, 4 months, 4 days or 4 minutes from your wedding...run away now. His behaviour is only going to get worse if you marry him.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_big-fight-need-to-vent-at-a-loss?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b65f0929-fa83-4e99-a4b2-d0e5cb9d6e07Post:89d6d75a-0a88-4629-ba9e-69ca8acf0232">Re: Big fight-need to vent-at a loss</a>:
    [QUOTE]Please don't excuse his behaviour by saying it's "cultural issues". He's degrading you because he isn't the first guy you've dated. If he has such a big problem being with a woman who has had previous relationships he should be with someone who shares his beliefs (and who doesn't mind being a doormat). <strong>It sounds like he was fishing for something to hold over your head to be honest</strong> and attacking a person's "romantic history" is a disgusting, albeit effective, way to do so. He sounds like a controlling monster. He has no respect for you or animals which are two huge problems (you can't even call them red flags...they're more like red semi trucks hurling towards you at 100 miles an hour).  Yes, stress makes people grumpy, and sometimes it even makes people lash out, but what your FI is doing is not just being grumpy. He's being emotionally abusive. To me it wouldn't matter if you were 4 years, 4 months, 4 days or 4 minutes from your wedding...run away now. His behaviour is only going to get worse if you marry him.
    Posted by ElleB87[/QUOTE]


    YES.  Yes, in fact, it sounds like this is EXACTLY what he was doing.  If he were uncomfortable hearing about it, then he wouldn't have pressed for more info, and if the past itself were really so terrible to him, then he'd have picked another woman to date.  No, this is some controlling sh*t.
    image
  • Yeah, this does sound like a major compatibility issue. And this might seem petty to some, but there is NO WAY I could be with someone who didn't want my dog (or any future dogs) in the house. I'm not a crazy dog lady (ok, sometimes), but to me, having dogs is a lifestyle. Walking them, taking them to the park, camping with them, etc.
    While you two don't seem to be a good match, I wouldn't just up and leave. I would postpone the wedding and attempt counseling. Whatever the conclusion is, you will probably get to it with some counseling.
  • put the wedding on hold...immmediately. Because of his culture,you will never ever be considered and equal in your marriage. AHe will "own" you and  he and his family will expect you to comply with everything he says.  Very different from someone brought up in the united states. Of course if this is alright with you then by all means marry him. You either embrace his culture and beliefs or you will have constant conflict.
    and
    the part about renewing his visa? how convient he will be marrying an american citizen.....makes it easier for him to stay in the country. 

    RUN honey and RUN fast
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