MIL vent

6fsn

I need to get this out because I can't say it to anyone else.

Early last week DH asked MIL to take M2 from Tuesday to Thursday.  6let's tonsils are Wednesday morning some time.  This would mean that M2 would be taken care of so we could get to the surgery center and be able to focus on snuggling and caring for 6let. My mom was prepared to do it, but MIL said she would. 

A few days later I was talking to MIL and I just got the feeling she wasn't fully into the plan.  She kept talking about "wouldn't M2 be more comfortable at home? SHe'd have all her toys but whatever you want."  Yes M2 would be more comfortable here, but DH and I won't be able to take care of 6let like he deserves with her here. I asked DH to double check that MIL was okay with this plan because I could still get my mom.

Saturday morning I get this email:
"I sent [DH] an e-mail to see what the plan is for next week. Maybe he could call me. [SIL]and the boys are here and he could talk to them. I hope the circus is fun."  After laughing that DH can only talk to his sister when she's at MIL's I told DH to call her.  DH gets off the phone with her and basically says she is worried so if M2 is freaking too much he'll go get M2 after work Tuesday night.

WT?!  How does that help in any way?  If it's really bad bring her back Wed at the earliest.  Can she really not suck it up for 24 hrs so we can focus on the child having his tonsils out?  And what are we going to do with her while the surgery is going on?  I don't want her there.  

When I said something about just having my mom come over he said "well my mom could just as easily come sit with her through the surgery."  Except that my mom is perfectly willing to come get her and take her away for the night.  At least if she's with my mom I won't have to worry.   

MIL is retired and sFIL is out of work.  Not to mention there is another set of grandparents in town. This shouldn't be that hard.

tawillers

Dude.  This would piss me off.  If it were me, I'd ask my mom to just do it and call MIL myself and cancel her (and probably tell her why).  But you know my past with MIL, so I'm not worried about ruffling family feathers. 

Everyone reallly is making this hard.  And Tuesday after work?  That doesn't help you at all.

TheMrsC23

The *last* thing you need is MIL blowing your phones up during the surgery because she can't handle M2.   I'd call your mom and be done with it.  

Even though it's a routine surgery with few complications, it's *your* child going under the knife and you'd think the person taking care of your kid would understand respect that.  I don't see your MIL being that way. 

Heffalump

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_mil-vent-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:b6e783ee-2c0f-48e8-b09f-d16a6ba22af5Post:8c946be9-770e-4328-8f30-e5b17ee36139">Re: MIL vent</a>:
[QUOTE]The *last* thing you need is MIL blowing your phones up during the surgery because she can't handle M2.   I'd call your mom and be done with it.  
Posted by TheMrsC23[/QUOTE]
That was my thought as well.  Even if she miraculously ended up taking M2, I doubt it would be the last of your problems with her on this.  Your mom sounds way more capable here.

6fsn

It's too late to get my mom for the duration.  She could get M2 from Wed- Thursday as a back up.  It just honks me off.  She also wants to turn the carseat which I flat out said no to.  I don't want to turn her for a few reasons, but it also means I'd have to rethread the straps.

VarunaTT

I'd be pissed too.  I don't like it when I don't get to make the plans I know are the right plans and then when I'm proved right, I'm pretty damn pissed about it.  B/c it doesn't matter that I was right, the plans are all still F'd up.

I think you'll be shocked at how fast 6let is up and about though.  When I had mine out at farking 16, the little 5 year old in the bed next to me was up running around and laughing, while I was still conked out and in pain.  I know it's not what you wanted, but I really think the day after will be a mostly normal day for you.

Now you just know that next time, you can tell MIL graciously, Thanks, but no thanks, we've already made arrangements.

Wzz

your MIL did something my mother would done, and has done.cancel and just have your mom do it for as much time as she is able to. you don't need MIL stressing you out, and M2 deserves to be with people who can care for her properly.
i know MIL is fully capable, but you know in the back of your mind you'd be wondering if M2 is doing okay when really ypou could use that energy and focus for 6let.

AuntFlo

I know you don't *really* know me, but I would be happy to offer my husband up for babysitting.  Actually DD would be doing most of the work.  She'd die for another little girl (or tomboy) to play with!

And we still have a crib.

Of course, I told DD last night that I was going to run away from home - so I'm not the best mom at the moment. 

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_mil-vent-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b6e783ee-2c0f-48e8-b09f-d16a6ba22af5Post:3c6aa323-a278-428d-a385-26e5e418a5a1">MIL vent</a>:
[QUOTE] <strong> DH gets off the phone with her and basically says she is worried so if M2 is freaking too much he'll go get M2 after work Tuesday night.</strong> WT?!  How does that help in any way?  If it's really bad bring her back Wed at the earliest.  <strong>Can she really not suck it up for 24 hrs so we can focus on the child having his tonsils out?</strong>  And what are we going to do with her while the surgery is going on?  I don't want her there.   When I said something about just having my mom come over <strong>he said "well my mom could just as easily come sit with her through the surgery." </strong> Except that my mom is perfectly willing to come get her and take her away for the night.  At least if she's with my mom I won't have to worry.    MIL is retired and sFIL is out of work.  Not to mention there is another set of grandparents in town. <strong>This shouldn't be that hard.</strong>
Posted by 6fsn[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>1) you don't have a MIL problem, you have a DH problem. The two of you are not on the same page here. It sounds like he'd be perfectly ok with is mom sitting at your house with M2 during the surgery, and M2 being at home on Wed evening.</div><div>2) asking your MIL to "just suck it up for 24 hours" sounds really ungreatful. You should just be happy and thankful that she's willing to help you out and watch M2 at all. </div><div>3) you kinda brought this on yourself. you know what your MIL is like, and you kept bugging your H to ask her to watch M2 for you. You should have either asked your mom, asked the other grandparents, or just sucked it up and stayed home yourself (you or your H)</div><div>4) i get that surgery of any type is scary, but this is a routine procedure, and it's outpatient. 6let won't need 2 adults waiting on him hand and foot for 24 hours pre surgery and 24-48 hours post surgery. </div><div>5) something about your post really struck a nerve with me. you should be thankful that you have the family support system that you do, and people willing to help you out and watch the kids. a lot of people don't have that option, and they manage to deal. </div><div>
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Wzz

you know barbie is right.

this:

"you have the family support system that you do, and people willing to help you out and watch the kids. a lot of people don't have that option, and they manage to deal."

which i took out of the context it was meant to quote, but it is true.

this stuck out to me because i actually never expected barbie to acknowledge any sort of support system. barbie, you always came off as a person who would not rely on a support system because people should be able to rely on themselves for this sort of thing.

i may be completely wrong here, i am willing to accept that. but i don't think barbie has the luxury of local help. maybe that's where this comes from.

6fsn

1) DH would be fine with that because he's not the one juggling the kids. 
2) I know the suck it up sounds bad.  She has had two separate direct times to say no and a myriad of other times to call and say no.  She knew we had other options.  If she didn't want to do it she should have said no last week.  Not two days prior. 
3) I bugged DH to ask because MIL gets pissy that I ask my mom first. 
4) She's going the night before in case we have the likely surgery time of before 9am.  Someone would have left their home before 5 to be here morning of. 
5) I had non family options, but they would have needed to be booked last week.  It's spring break which means people are either on vacation or filled up with kids off school.  It sucks to have made plans to have your child cared for and at the last minute that change.

ETA: The bolded is the biggest things.  I had other options.  She knew there were other options I just needed to make them last week.  She still says she wants to do it, but has now planted this idea that we'll need to come get her if things don't go okay. 

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_mil-vent-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b6e783ee-2c0f-48e8-b09f-d16a6ba22af5Post:95a696bc-5de0-471b-bdad-ecdc69c8448d">Re: MIL vent</a>:
[QUOTE] this stuck out to me because i actually never expected barbie to acknowledge any sort of support system.<strong> barbie, you always came off as a person who would not rely on a support system because people should be able to rely on themselves for this sort of thing.</strong> i may be completely wrong here, i am willing to accept that. but i don't think barbie has the luxury of local help. maybe that's where this comes from.
Posted by Wzz[/QUOTE]

<div>I really do feel that people should rely on themselves. There's nothing wrong with family members helping each other on occasion - but i think it should be the exception rather than the norm. </div><div>
</div><div>Even if we still lived in Philly (2mi from ILs), we wouldn't be asking my ILs to watch Wolverine all of the time. It disgusts me that my SILs (one is 30 min from ILs, the other is 90) are always asking MIL to come over and watch sick kids or using ILs as babysitters. (Or when OSIL basically used MIl as daycare for the 8 months where she lived with her.) I know DK feels the same way because of his reactions to his sisters.</div><div>
</div><div>We'd trade off feeding/walking dogs with the ILs if someone took a day trip - but that was about the extent of it. "Hey, do you mind swinging by the house around 5-7 and letting the dogs out and giving them dinner?"</div><div>
</div><div>In 6's situation (SAHM, working dad, multiple kids, family in town) the most I would have asked the ILs to do was come over and hang out at the house for the day to keep an eye on M2 (and/or M3) so we could take oldest kid for surgery. I think the scope of the request (3 days) is an imposition. It's nice that they are willing to help at all - don't complain because their ability to help does not meet your desire. ("Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.")</div><div>
</div><div>Our families are a 2.5-3.5 hour plane ride away. It would be nice to have them closer so that Wolverine could have more of a relationship with them (beyond 1-2x/year visits and skype)- but that's the extent of it. </div><div>
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nicoleg1982v2

You are ridiculous with your MIL/kid issues.  The problem here is you and your DH.  You have endless childcare options, but you still call the most fuckedup of them all to help?  It's like you keep heaping grief and trouble on your plate, you say it tastes awful, but then you go back for more.  

You are way overreacting to this surgery.  I did, too, when DD had her adenoids removed and tubes put in.  I was a basket case.  But also was prepared to send her to school the next day, too, per the doctor's advice.  I know tonsils are a little different, but after the drugs wore off DD was running around like her usual self.  And she was maybe 18 months old.  DD went to school the next morning, same as usual.  6let will not need you to set up an infirmary.  

Have someone watch M2 the day-of and have her dropped off for dinner/bedtime routine. You'll survive - you aren't single-parenting all three kids if your H is there, right?

6fsn

DH is going back to work after the surgery.

nicoleg1982v2

Okay, so your H leaves.  What exactly IS the issue with MIL watching M2 and possible 3 at the house?  Is 6let on bed rest?  Isn't it just modified diet and no gymnastics for a few days?

nicoleg1982v2

I just feel like there are many options here, none of which are working out... and not at the fault of your MIL.

PMeg819

I'm sorry, but this woman is constantly a flake or annoying you in some way? So why ask this of her?

Heffalump

nicoleg!

That's all I got.

azimm45

Haha .. I have to admit I am a bit of what you ladies call a lurker on here and when I saw the smack down Barbie gave 6sfn I couldn't help but say Bravo! 6sfn .. to me you are one of those women who quite frankly has nothing to complain about! Seriously ... do you have any idea what some women, people, etc in this world have to deal with and you complain about what, target giving you only 10 minutes to take your kids pics, your MIL who quite frankly may not be perfect but still helps you out a lot more than other people's MIL.Wake up and smell the coffee or get in your minivan and buy some and maybe leave your suburb once in a while and take a look as to what is out there in the world and perhaps then you will realize you have absolutely nothing to complain about .. AT ALL!

6fsn

Yes Azimm you have me all figured out.  Thank you for pointing out what a sheltered ass I am.  I'll go look for ways to open my eyes.  Oh wait.  I already do work with a homeless group and a senior group and used to work with a pregnancy center and a handicap center and an animal rescue.