Call it off?

astoriawedding

This is my first time on here.  I am trying to decide if I should call off my wedding.  I'm about to mail the invitations, but he is issuing me an ultimatum about an old friend (was ex-bf, now friend) that he doesn't want me to have any contact with.  This feels really wrong.  What to do?

sapphirebaby926

Did you have contact with him before? (based on your OP my assumption is yes).  The ex is a friend to you and if I was with anyone I would be wondering why my curent FI/DH didn't want me to have contact with someone I was close with.

I think you should have a conversation with your FI to find out exactly why he doesn't want you to have contact with this person.  Speaking from a position who knew someone that was in a relationship with someone who tried to cut off all contact from friends and family I would worry about what he'll do after getting married.

If you can't talk to him one on one with him about this I would recommend bringing it up in a pre-martial counseling session if you are doing it or go to couples counseling before getting married.

Personally for me if my DH had said I can't talk to someone ever again I'd be questioning why I was with him and at the very least postponing the wedding until the issue was resolved.

astoriawedding

Thanks so much for replying.  The issue has come up before (we've been engaged for 2 years), but at the beginning I just thought he was jealous and it would pass in time.  The problem now is that he feels that I am breaking a promise to him that he "based our engagement on".  I was not aware that it was so important to him.  He says he knows it's illogical, but it just makes him feel awful whenever this ex-bf/friend's name comes up and he doesn't want "it" in his life at all.

This is devastating, because it's a 30 year friendship (we all went to college together in the 80s) and I just can't conceive of not having any contact ever again.  It's so heartbreaking.

We have been discussing it in couples counseling for the last month and he is immovable.

skippylouwho

Without knowing details, he sounds very immature.

Is there some reason he doesn't want this person to attend your wedding? Does he feel you've been or will talk or hang out with this person and something will develop or has developed between you and the ex?

Did he have a previous girlfriend cheat on him or leave him for one of her ex's?

It's really too bad this is coming up this close to your wedding.

I would really have a problem with an ultimatum too but maybe there is more to this than appears on the surface?

nannewmur

Please read the "In case if y'all are not aware" post below.

You said FH agrees he is being illogical in couseling.  How long have you known your FH?  I could not stay with someone who is telling me who I can and can't have contact with, especially after counseling and his own admission.  With the time frame of college, I estimare you are in your 40's and I assume he is around that age so it really should not be a maturity thing.

Please read that post and ask yourself if you are willing to give up a 30 year friendship.  Good luck and let us know what you decide.

kimp67

I don't handle ultimatums well!!

VarunaTT

I'm going to stand out from the crowd here and ask you something:

Which do you love more, your FI or your friendship?  What is it you get out of this friendship?  Is it enough to replace what you'll be losing?  Is it worth what you'll be losing?  Is this person just a more third tier friend from college now or a BFF?  Is this friendship truly worth laying out your imagined marriage on the line?  Is this friend worth it?  Will this friend continue to be worth it?

People have to do things in marriage all the time that are sucktastic choices on both sides.  Spouses will get irrationally jeajous sometimes, b/c they're human.  I've done it to DH, he's done it to me.  What matters is how it's dealt with.

DH had to give up a friendship for me, b/c I asked.  It wasn't the exact same background, but it's the same ultimatum.   I wasn't going to have X person in my life or our lives, so which one did he want more, us or this friendship?  He chose us b/c he felt like this person wasn't worth giving up his wife. 

At some point, decisions start turning into, "How will this affect us?" rather than, "How does this affect me?"  Not everything has to be a power struggle, sometimes it's a decision made of, "This is going to drive my husband crazy and X is simply not worth it"

Mioh1

It kinda sounds like you still have feelings for your ex. Like those "first time love" feelings. I'm not saying you love him but you feel like you'll lose those memories if you break off your friendship. I think that you should decide what you want. An ex boyfriend or your fiance? Because it bothers your fiance you can't expect him to want to get mad every time your ex's name comes up for the next fifty years.

astoriawedding

Fiance and I are both in our late 40s.  The friend is someone we went to college with.  After now-fiance and I broke up in college, I went out with the now-friend.  But that was 25 years ago.  We've been friends ever since and hired each other for work, our parents are friends, we've had Thanksgivings together.  He is married with a kid, so there is no possibility of us ever being together romantically again.

Fiance says he's not jealous, and he does trust me, but it just makes him SO unhappy that he will not marry me unless I swear to cut off all contact with the friend.  Did I say that the invitation are printed and ready to mail? Date is set for October 1st?

I think the real question is for him; is it worth losing me over?  Because I don't want to be in a relationship where either of tells the other who we can see or not see.

GBCK

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_call-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:b9b2022f-5b3c-4e4c-8744-9446d1feef4bPost:243824c3-0568-4a55-8986-e837ea59d27c">Re: Call it off?</a>:
[QUOTE]Fiance and I are both in our late 40s.  The friend is someone we went to college with.  After now-fiance and I broke up in college, I went out with the now-friend.  But that was 25 years ago.  We've been friends ever since and hired each other for work, our parents are friends, we've had Thanksgivings together.  He is married with a kid, so there is no possibility of us ever being together romantically again. Fiance says he's not jealous, and he does trust me, but it just makes him SO unhappy that he will not marry me unless I swear to cut off all contact with the friend.  Did I say that the invitation are printed and ready to mail? Date is set for October 1st?<strong> I think the real question is for him; is it worth losing me over?  Because I don't want to be in a relationship where either of tells the other who we can see or not see.</strong>
Posted by 6844474511270468[/QUOTE]
The bolded goes both ways.

The Mr. and I have been in situations where there was no compromise to be had.  Some things, you can meet in the middle on.  Some things, you can't  (for the record, I think yours is something there *could* be a compromise on--in how contact is handled, etc)--He can't half-quit his job, I can't half-have a child, he can't half agree to go to the hospital, etc.

And one of the reasons that we survived those is because we both knew the answer to that question.
So when there was no compromise, and I had to ask myself "would I rather be with him or do X", my answer was that I'd be with him.  And his answer to the same situtaion (would I rather be with him or not do X?") was that he'd rather be with me.
So we both approached the decision at a complete stalemate (because there was no 'trump card' that could be pulled out)...but if I thought for one moment that
It was knowing that, if it came down to it, each of us would choose the other over our own desires.

And...I"m honesty not seeing that, in your posts, from EITHER of you.  Which raises a flag for me.

astoriawedding

After a long talk with my therapist, I really can see that this is causing him a lot of pain - thinking about the friend and things that happened in the past - and that's sad, but it is not enough reason for me to amputate a part of my life.  In fact, it would be co-dependent.  He needs to deal with his feelings, and explore why this is so important to him.  If I just agree to "not bring it up", at great loss to me of a dear friend, I am only helping him to stay stuck where he is.

If he doesn't trust me, after 2 years together and 30 years after the events in question (and, by the way, HE cheated on ME in college! that's why we broke up then), then nothing will make him trust me.

And what's next?  I think this is a control issue, and I do not agree to be controlled by my partner, who is supposed to love and support me, in a marriage.  I really think this is the end, unless he has a huge change of heart on this issue.

VarunaTT

Good luck with that.

orlterry

So your friend, FI and you were in college together? Then probably your FI might know something you dont about the guy, and have his reasons.
I have to agree with VarunaTT, Mioh1 and GBCK above. I've done the same with my FI. I have my reasons and yes insane jealousy is one of them, and he gets ruflfled too if I go to a party that has my ex bf attending, altho with wife in tow. It works both ways, But yes who is more dearer to you? the person you want to marry or the ex (possibly do you still have a thing for him?).
I'd have to say tho that if it is more than one person, your FI is objecting to then theres something to think about.
My ex bf will be attending my wedding with his wife. But FI wouldnt want me meeting him alone, neither do I for that matter.

astoriawedding

Well, if only he would agree to a compromise - like yes, he can come to the wedding, but you can't be alone with him.  OK, fine, I get that.  But he wants me to cut off a 30 year friendship.  Friend and I were bf/gf for only the first 5 years, then after that, 25 years of friendship.  If we had wanted to do something, we would have done it in those 25 years.

Fiance and I broke up (in college) 30 years ago, and didn't have any communication in the interim, then got back together 2 years ago.  I've agreed for the past 2 years to not contact the Friend, although it has been very painful for me, as I have been fighting breast cancer.  But I can't agree to this for the rest of my life.  I brought it up in couples counseling 3 months ago, and it's been hell ever since.

We are almost 50 years old.  Of course we have past lives that brought us here.  We can't just erase that.  I don't expect him to erase his ex and his daughter, even though that is difficult for me.  I just feel that I can't marry him under this condition.  I wish so much that he would be reasonable, but if he can't, then I can't marry him.  It's so sad.

p.s. The friend's wife doesn't particularly like me, but she is gracious and welcomes me as an important friend of her husband's.  Why can't my fiance be like that?

orlterry

hmm that makes things a bit clearer. Since you guys are almost 50, you do need to make a tough decision. I could understand this behaviour in younger couples. ANd he needs to be more mature about this. He may say he's not jealous and he trusts you, but his actions show otherwise. Maybe you should call it off and see how FI reacts to it. If he truly loves you he'll come around, if not, I think you'd be better of alone.
Hope your health is good now. Take care and good luck.

astoriawedding

He just called and effectively reversed his position, saying that he "doesn't care if I see/contact the friend" again, and just wants to be with me.  He also said something funny about how now he expects that decisions about the house we set up will be 50/50 and I will not be the boss of him.  ??? Go figure (I never thought it would be otherwise).

So, I guess I am relieved.  But I am having a hard time recovering my joy in the wedding planning and have a lot to do still.  I feel pummeled and sad.  I am hoping that breathing and letting it go for a few days will bring me back... but this episode has been truly awful.

Thanks everyone for your concern and messages.

GBCK

so...
it sounds like the issue is NOT contact/no contact w/ friend.
It sounds like the issue is that you're afraid he's 1) going to be unreasonably jealous in other areas and 2) going to be unreasonable controlling.

(and kinda 3
And it also sounds like you 2 haven't discussed (just made assumptions) about basic things (ike house setup being 50/50, etc))

Pre-marital counseling STAT.
Because all 3 of the above issues are going to come up again and could make or break a marriage.
Especially the 3rd.  There are a lot of things that end up on the TIP board on thenest because someone assumed that their significant other was on the same page re kids/job/porn/chores/whatever.  And it sounds like, regardless of how long the relationship has been, you 2 are operating still under assumptions instead of clarity.

astoriawedding

Thank you.  We have a couples  counseling session tomorrow.  We'll see what happens.  I need to be sure he's not going to change his mind again.  He's always been certain he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he says, even when we were 20, but this marriage thing has unleashed a lot of weird stuff, believe me.

I just wish things would settle down a little for the next month.  I don't mind heavy discussions and difficult decisions, but I need to get my head together to prepare for the wedding.  I don't like how much doubt this has interjected into things for me.  I think, because of the breast cancer, I don't take any moment for granted any more, and I just want to be happy, not being in crisis all the time.

pnutkitten

Honestly, unless you've been with your FI for thirty years (the length of the friendship with your friend), I would stand your ground and defend your friendship. If you two have been friends that long I think its obvious that he isnt a threat in any way to your relationship with your FI on a romantic level, and your FI should respect that relationship and the other relationships that you have.

astoriawedding

Thank you.  Well, I did stand my ground, and he turned around.  I feel better.  Still a little disgruntled, but better.  And now I have SO much to do to get ready for the wedding!  And I'm still having breast cancer treatments - ugh.

Thanks everyone