Wedding Woes

He took the ring back this morning.

Our wedding date is, or was suppose to be October 6th of this year.

Back story
Things were coming along until last month. My mom told me that she didn't approve of our marriage (we've been together three years) and she doesn't think he is husband material. She says she can't tell me what she means by husband material because she doesn't know but she just feels he isn't. She also told him that we don't have her blessing and she doesn't approve. My dad is being supportive.

Last week, my parents and I went to speak with our Pastor and he was so confused because he has seen/met with Edward and myself quite a few times. He told my parents that we aren't going into this blind, we're adults and we aren't going blind into this. Again, my dad was supportive.

Edward said that he couldn't marry me without my family's approval because he doesn't want to cause any hurt or anger and that he is looking out for my best interest. Ugh, why can't people understand that I can look at my best interest?

Cut to this morning.
He asked for the ring back and here I am, at work focring myself not to cry. I can't change his mind, I made my points and feelings known but he doesn't want to disrespect my family. I know that my mom knew this would happen, she knew that he wouldn't have asked me to marry him if they didn't approve WHICH THEY DID! And BAM my mom changes her mind.

What is all weird, is that my whole family likes him, my brother, the cousins, the aunts, the uncles and so on think he is a great guy (and he is!) and my parents like him too. My mom just threw a curve ball in this with the sudden dissaproval.

My head is pounding, my eyes are burning. I'm a wreck. I'm thankful that no one has noticed or at least mentioned that I'm not wearing the ring.

I don't know where I'm going with my vent but thank you for letting me vent.
«13

Re: He took the ring back this morning.

  • This may neither be here nor there, but how old are you and Edward?
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    I just a friendly gal looking for options.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_he-took-the-ring-back-this-morning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:be4745d1-e170-4301-8f32-6bc5a2d8d0fePost:9bdaa4da-4922-41f8-86ef-d3a4e393a79a">Re: He took the ring back this morning.</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm 32 and he is 38.
    Posted by randomthinker1[/QUOTE]

    ::record screech::

    WHAT?  Why are your parents so involved?  Are you part of a culture where this is typical? 
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    I just a friendly gal looking for options.

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  • I love my mom, but she is bossy and sometimes acts like a know it all.
  • ::sits with Zsa::

    I can kind of see why he's all, "I don't need this isht."

  • GBCKGBCK member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    you may be dodging a bullet, if your husband is this spineless and you're both so enmeshed with family.
  • Do you live with them?  Next door to them?  Have you ever thought about moving away? 

    Why do did you meet with the pastor with your parents?  It seems like that would just validate your mother's concerns rather than dismissing them.

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    I just a friendly gal looking for options.

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  • Why the samhill are you still kowtowing to bossy mom when y'all are well into your thirties??? I'm giving a hearty sideeye to all involved.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_he-took-the-ring-back-this-morning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:be4745d1-e170-4301-8f32-6bc5a2d8d0fePost:0c590e1f-07dc-434d-93bc-b4f49ae433e4">Re: He took the ring back this morning.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Do you live with them?  Next door to them?  Have you ever thought about moving away?  Why do did you meet with the pastor with your parents?  It seems like that would just validate your mother's concerns rather than dismissing them.
    Posted by zsazsa-stl[/QUOTE]

    We live in the same town. I met with the Pastor because I knew that he would be able to back me up and he did. It just wasn't good enough for my mom. She's been very hurtful lately.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_he-took-the-ring-back-this-morning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:be4745d1-e170-4301-8f32-6bc5a2d8d0fePost:f0d03d2b-94ee-4cfa-9a2a-10b652704cd6">Re: He took the ring back this morning.</a>:
    [QUOTE]::sits with Zsa:: I can kind of see why he's all, "I don't need this isht."
    Posted by mrs.conn23[/QUOTE]


    *nods in agreement* I would feel the same.
  • Is your mom suffering from something outside this whole thing?  She sounds a bit loopy.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_he-took-the-ring-back-this-morning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:be4745d1-e170-4301-8f32-6bc5a2d8d0fePost:18a3400a-ad54-44a3-bf63-6c8cbc74aa00">Re: He took the ring back this morning.</a>:
    [QUOTE]you may be dodging a bullet, if your husband is this spineless and you're both so enmeshed with family.
    Posted by GBCK[/QUOTE]

    He isn't spineless, don't be so quick to judge please.
    Family is very important. No matter how hurtful they can be, or whatever might be said, they are family. I don't have to agree with them, but they have my love.
  • :: waits for kuus ::
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_he-took-the-ring-back-this-morning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:be4745d1-e170-4301-8f32-6bc5a2d8d0fePost:62d370dd-c62e-41b9-921e-c117d307b52b">Re: He took the ring back this morning.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: He took the ring back this morning. : He isn't spineless, don't be so quick to judge please. Family is very important. No matter how hurtful they can be, or whatever might be said, they are family. I don't have to agree with them, but they have my love.
    Posted by randomthinker1[/QUOTE]

    So you'd rather be miserable and lose your FI than stand up for yourself and tell your mom to STFU?

    It sounds like you've made a decision, and it's not your FI.  At least he knows this information now and not after the wedding.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_he-took-the-ring-back-this-morning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:be4745d1-e170-4301-8f32-6bc5a2d8d0fePost:9c5b6f9f-4f4e-4cae-8cbd-d8bd938da11f">Re: He took the ring back this morning.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: He took the ring back this morning. : So you'd rather be miserable and lose your FI than stand up for yourself and tell your mom to STFU? It sounds like you've made a decision, and it's not your FI.  At least he knows this information now and not after the wedding.
    Posted by tawillers[/QUOTE]

    I did stand up, I said that her opinion didn't make a difference because I will marry him without her approval or not. I don't need her to be there, that will not change anything.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_he-took-the-ring-back-this-morning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:be4745d1-e170-4301-8f32-6bc5a2d8d0fePost:c60f1fd9-a126-471a-9f32-f987a9773cfb">Re: He took the ring back this morning.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: He took the ring back this morning. : ::record screech::
    Posted by zsazsa-stl[/QUOTE]

    I laughed so hard at this, you don't even know.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_he-took-the-ring-back-this-morning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:be4745d1-e170-4301-8f32-6bc5a2d8d0fePost:62d370dd-c62e-41b9-921e-c117d307b52b">Re: He took the ring back this morning.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: He took the ring back this morning. : He isn't spineless, don't be so quick to judge please. Family is very important. No matter how hurtful they can be, or whatever might be said, they are family. I don't have to agree with them, but they have my love.
    Posted by randomthinker1[/QUOTE]
    Bullshit. <div>
    </div><div>Family are just people whose DNA you share. If they're great, that's great, but no, they don't deserve sht just because they happen to share some genes with you. </div><div>
    </div><div>FFS, grow up and tell them to shove it.</div><div>
    </div><div>And I can't tell if your FI is dangerously paternal (doing this for your own good? Srsly?) or if he recognizes the crazy and just wants out. But him cancelling because you're too involved with your parents should be the wake-up call you need to get out from under their thumbs. </div>
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  • Well, thank you all for your understanding.

  • Honey, do you realize that you should be mad?  I mean, really, really, really mad?  B/c apparently everyone else in your life thinks they should get to make decisions for you?  And you are letting them, while meekly submitting to your hurt?  Be hurt, but first you should be PISSED.  OFF.

    Your mother needs to butt out.  She's said her piece, tell her to butt out and move on.

    Your FI?  Maybe this is a good thing for you, b/c he sounds like he makes decisions for you too.  I'd kick anyone to the curb who thought my parents were better decision makers for our lives than me.

    Get thee to therapy and figure out how to have a spine for your own life.  Tell mom you love her, you're an adult and won't be allowing her to choose anything for you anymore and maybe find new FI.  Maybe not.  But be happy controlling yourself.

  • GBCKGBCK member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    oh, he has enough spine to stand up to YOU and boss YOU around.
    Just not enough spine to stand up to your mom.


  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_he-took-the-ring-back-this-morning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:be4745d1-e170-4301-8f32-6bc5a2d8d0fePost:dd948c43-239a-4b39-b369-15d37cc02c68">Re: He took the ring back this morning.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Honey, do you realize that you should be mad?  I mean, really, really, really mad?  B/c apparently everyone else in your life thinks they should get to make decisions for you?  And you are letting them, while meekly submitting to your hurt?  Be hurt, but first you should be PISSED.  OFF. Your mother needs to butt out.  She's said her piece, tell her to butt out and move on. Your FI?  Maybe this is a good thing for you, b/c he sounds like he makes decisions for you too.  I'd kick anyone to the curb who thought my parents were better decision makers for our lives than me. Get thee to therapy and figure out how to have a spine for your own life.  Tell mom you love her, you're an adult and won't be allowing her to choose anything for you anymore and maybe find new FI.  Maybe not.  But be happy controlling yourself.
    Posted by VarunaTT[/QUOTE]

    Nods head in agreement.  It may sound harsh, but you really need to get angry and stand up for yourself and your fi.
  • WzzWzz member
    2500 Comments 250 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    i know you want to cry and get support for having your feelings hurt, but the point people are trying to make is that this all was preventable. and it might even be reversible if you take the above advice into action.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_he-took-the-ring-back-this-morning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:be4745d1-e170-4301-8f32-6bc5a2d8d0fePost:18a3400a-ad54-44a3-bf63-6c8cbc74aa00">Re: He took the ring back this morning.</a>:
    [QUOTE]you may be dodging a bullet, if your husband is this spineless and you're both so enmeshed with family.
    Posted by GBCK[/QUOTE]

    <em>sits with GBCK.

    </em>I think your FI was just looking for an out and is using this (lame) excuse. He's manipulating you in trying to make you think "it's for your own good" so he doesn't come off as the bad guy in this situation. You'll probably run into him a month or two from now with his visibly pregnant side piece.

    When you're 32 (or 38), you're presumably an adult who is capable of making your own decisions. Why either of you would let your family make this choice for you is beyond me. I'm assuming that there's no cultural reason for this deferential behavior, so I can only  really believe that it's a lack of maturity or there's something fishy going on.
  • "I love my mom, but she is bossy and sometimes acts like a know it all."

    OH WE ARE SISTERS!!!  WOOO HOOO!!!

    Sorry in advance this is a long reply with the spelling and grammar all over the place, blame it on the coffee and nothing to do, and the fact that it hit close to home.

      Let me ask, have you always been the "good" child?  Do you always or for the most part try to please your mom?  Has your mom ever or does she come up with an idea for you or help you plan something then when the plan is in motion or complete she changes her mind and trashes on how bad the idea or plan is\was?

    For instance, a few months after my FI popped the question my mother suggested to us that we go ahead and move in together.  He had his house (the house we would live in) and I had an apartment in rent, mortgage, and utilities we were paying out over a 2 grand a month and he was primarily staying with me and my son at our apartment.  So she thought and we agreed that it would help financially if we just went ahead and moved into the house together, that also ment my son changing schools, and it put me 45 min away from work.  I worked for the family business, but with all the money we were saving I really didn't have to work, I could go back to school.  I would be home more with my FI and son (a normal work week was 60+ hrs).  I told my step dad with intentions of giving plenty of notice and staying on doing book work from home.  He let me go the very same day I told him, I didn't even finish my shift.  Fast forward a few months and mom is acting real wierd.  I call my brother to talk to him about it and he tells me "Oh well she does not approve of you two living together before your married, and you up and quit the restaurant and left them in a bind".  WTF!!! BTW my mom and step dad got a divorce last fall but they still live together (if they are not fighting)   Fast forward to yesterday and today, she never has anything but nice things to say about FI until now. Now she is starting to criticize him, he is shy, he gets nervous around large groups of ppl, he and I are both concerned about the wedding and his heart. Heart condition, his heart beats too fast and he has to take a rx for it. Heart rate goes up= bad. Trying my best to keep him comfortable at the wedding, OUR WEDDING, in my mothers eyes makes him a bad person. I can go on and on.

    If you are seeing any similarities in our mothers then you can accompish what I have by making yourself stronger. Start saying no to her. Hey it took me 31 years, I turned 32 last week and I still have a hard time with it. A friend of mine who is my mothers age and who had a mom just like mine taught me this "You can't get water from an empty well", and once I believed that with all my heart and soul, and repeated it to myself, to others even on this very website, and even to my MOM about my step father I finaly started to get stronger.

    Now about you......
    If you can, leave work, you need to. You need to cry to get mad.  If you really and truly love this man you are obligated to fight for him.  Being married isn't easy, something will constantly be attacking your commitment to each other so if your not ready to do battle for your marraige then you better stay single.
    If I was in your shoes, I would go straight to the sources, first I would tell my father what has happened and get his insite on why your mother disapproves, then I would ask her, "he is just not marraige material" is NOT an answer.  Once you have spoken to both of them call your pastor back and find out when you and your FI can come talk to him WITHOUT your family.  Then go find your man talk to him, see if he will go with you to talk to the pastor.  Hopefully by then you have some solid answers from your mother.

    About him....
    If you have all the info that you need from your mom and she still disapproves of him, and he is unwilling to prove her wrong, then he is unwilling to fight for you.  That is something you will really need to think about and maybe a break would be a good thing.

    I know my FI got permission, but if now a month before the wedding it was taken back, it wouldn't matter to him.  He is marrying me, the family that I belong to comes with me but he doesn't have to "like" them, and they don't have to like him. Of course for me, although we are close, if it came down to choosing between FI and mom, the choice would be easy. But if we were in your shoes he would be beating the door down to find out why he wasn't "good enough" for thier little girl.
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  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    One more question- have you and your fi met with the pastor?  It seems very strange to go with your parents and not the person you want to spend your life with.
  • You know.. I just started typing a response, but deleted it.  I can't offer advice here.  I don't know what to say or what stressors were placed between you and your FI that made him come to the point where he called it off.   Your mom is being a child.  But, you're letting her opinion ruin things for your own life.   My mom would NEVER go this far, but she says stupid things all of time.  Find a way to pick up the peices and decide if it's more important to be with this man or to please your mother.  I can't tell you which is right. But, if you don't make a decision, you will remain in this emotional place.  It's not a good place, and it leaves you with zero control of your situation.  I am so sorry for your hurt right now.  I would be enraged.  Best wishes.  Please do keep us informed.   And, for the love of God, go home.  You don't need to sit at your desk crying.  Go put on sweats and think.  
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  • You should grow up! Sorry if that sounds rude, but you are 32 and you should not have validated your mothers hysteria by going to see a pastor. If he is the love of your life, you should have told your mother to get over it and that you are marrying him anyway. Your fiance probably figured you are going to allow your mother to ruin your relationship so he left. Good for him!
  • Flany, I'm not sure you have much room to throw stones.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_he-took-the-ring-back-this-morning?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:be4745d1-e170-4301-8f32-6bc5a2d8d0fePost:52746be5-30aa-44eb-a882-3175df6be622">Re: He took the ring back this morning.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Flany, I'm not sure you have much room to throw stones.
    Posted by NOLABridesmaid[/QUOTE]

    *like*
  • What in the... why are you even entertaining this absolute f*ckery from your mom?  Why did you even tell your ex-fiance what your mom said, let alone treat it so seriously that you went to a pastor to counsel it out?  And furthermore, why did your fiance take your mom SO seriously that he just plain won't marry you if she doesn't approve? 

    This is all just so completely insane.  Unless there's some really important detail we're missing, like that you're talking to us through a magical time portal from Victorian England, and your mother the queen needs to approve in order for you to get married, then this is so crazy that I'm tempted to advise you to raze your whole family and social circle to the ground and start over.
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