Wedding Woes


I just realized that FML and FMIL have just one letter difference, and there's probably a good reason for that. My FI and I have been engaged now for a little over a year. Although his family only lives a little over an hour away, we do not go visit them often. My FI seems much closer to my family than his own, and because of this, I haven't spent a whole lot of time around them. I've tried very hard to be diplomatic while still standing firm, but this is getting to be ridiculous.


We did spend last Thanksgiving with them (right after we got engaged), and from the get-go, my FMIL has attempted to take over my wedding. The first thing she attempted to do was to get me to order a $50 dress from “a friend of hers” that had pick-ups on the skirt (which is something I absolutely hate). From colors, to BM dresses, where to have the ceremony, what kind of engagement ring to choose, etc. Before we got engaged, she was sweet. Initially my FI said there was nothing to do but to ignore her because she just gets worse if you try to respond. However, this thanksgiving was awful. My parents came, and it was the first time they had met her.


With a little less than four months to go, many of the decisions have been made. My FI and I like to do things together, so all of the decisions (with the exception of my dress) have been joint decisions. Let me give you as brief as possible of a rundown of how she acted. First she started complaining about how I don’t cook, insulted my wedding shoes (which I had brought to show his sister-one of my BMs), and insisted we print our invitations ourselves. Then she went on an hour long woe-is-me about how we weren’t having the wedding in her hometown-in front of my mother!


I had asked my FI to get with his mom and get the addresses of his family/friends to send the save-the-dates, which I’d had for a while, and they had yet to get it together. She claimed this was because her computer was broken. They had gotten all the info off of the computer, and she still wouldn’t help put the address list together until my mom asked her several times to do so. What was crazy about this is that she had all of 1 of 30+ addresses that I needed on her old computer. She had to call people to get ALL of the rest of the addresses, which she could’ve done already. Ok, fine. Not my family, not my problem. But she got all huffy that I had already sent my save-the-dates to my guests. Um, hello-get your sh*t together, and you could’ve had yours sent too.


She complained about how small the guest list is (it’s at 315 now!), and how when her daughter gets married, she can invite 1000 people if she wants to - nevermind the fact that she bitches about the 25 person rehearsal dinner cost. She then tried to insist we put people on the list that my FI does not know and would put us over our limit. I have told her repeatedly that the reception site can seat no more than 300 people-the end, and as such we need to have an exact count of the guest list & know who the people are so that when we send out invitations, they can be addressed to the guests and people will know not to add their neighbor’s sister’s cousin’s high school ex-boyfriend. *sigh*


 She invited herself shopping with me and my mom for my mom’s dress. She tried to convince my mom to buy lime green mother dresses b\c I had refused to make my BM dresses lime green (and said, “we should get dresses this color b\c (insert my name) hates it!”). She tried to get my mom to wear a short dress to the wedding b\c she (FMIL) wanted to wear a short dress. She tried to go behind FI’s back and tell the people at the tuxedo rental place to order tuxedos with tails (even though he and I both hate them) b\c she thinks it’d look nice.


She hovers behind me when I’m on my computer commenting on everything I do. She constantly harasses me and criticizes me every five minutes. FI tells her to cut it out, and I have quit ignoring it but she continues on. I’ve been growing out my hair for years, and she tries to cut it off. She states she’s going to dye her hair blond (we are black, and let me just tell you, blond is NOT her color) for the wedding.


Then she insisted on playing a song I HATE at the reception. I told her I would put it on my do-not-play list, and she said she was going to go behind my back and tell them to play it anyway. The final straw happened when, after we set our wedding date (and she knew what it was), she realized months later that it’s her husband’s 50th birthday three days after the wedding. I suggested we do a nice brunch the morning after for his friends and family. She insisted that we have a birthday cake for him at the reception & sing happy birthday to him there. When I told her that wasn’t going to happen, she decided she was going to tell guests that the reception ends at 8 PM (which it won’t b\c the band is slated for 3 hours, and there’s no way that they will be done by 8 PM), and that she would have a party at the hotel for his birthday. Complete with appetizers, finger food, and dessert. When I reminded her that we are serving a full meal at the reception, she said, “oh that’s ok; I’ll just tell people not to eat that much so that they can eat my food later.” I really wanted to rip her head off at this point, but I just looked at her sideways and continued on doing what I was doing.


She even pouted for an entire day and insisted her husband (who hates crowds) buy her a new computer b\c the one he had gone all over town and 30 minutes away from town to get her on Black Friday “wasn’t good enough”.


More and more it feels like she is trying to run my life. It’s not just the wedding. She tries to run my relationship with my FI even though she doesn’t know the first thing about what goes on between us and acts like we’re in some competition for his affection. I guess maybe she doesn’t like the fact that he stands up to her when it comes to me and tells her how it is when she tries to do these things. If he’s doing something for me or I ask him to do something, she then whines and complains and gets him to do something for her before he finishes what he was already doing. Fortunately he tells her how it is and we stick together, but it doesn’t seem to be deterring her insanity. His sister and dad seem really nice, and I enjoy spending time with them, but it’s impossible to have any fun b\c she’s always hovering asking me a million questions and insulting my answers or inserting herself into whatever is going on. WTF am I supposed to do with THAT? 

 I really don't know what to do. She's now planning to take off for half a week before the wedding to come to my hometown to "help" but honestly she'd just be more stress and aggravation than anything else. I've repeatedly told her that I will be out of school (spring break), my mom is taking off that weekend, and my MOH/sister is a stay-at-home mom and have all offered to help with anything I need so it's not necessary for her to come. So what do I need to do to deal with her and how do I convince her not to come add stress and drama to my already stressful pre-wedding prep time? 

Whew! Glad I got that off my chest. If you've made it this far, thanks for listening/reading.Smile


  • Your FI needs to grow a set of balls and tell his mother to back off and STFU.  This crap won't end after the wedding, do you really want to deal with this the next 20+years?
  • OMG!!! How do you survive?  Previous post has a point, this definately cannot go on for much longer.  I hope you guys are living far away from her. 
  • Yes, he and I have had multiple conversations about this. Most of what she's done recently has been when he is not around, and I have informed him of his mother's behavior, and he pretty much told her where to stick it. The problem is that she continues to do it, and I don't want to just not visit them at all b\c I do actually like his father and sister, and I'd hate to damage the fledgling relationship we've formed thus far over his mother's drama. But something has to give :( 
  • poor thing...and I thought I had it bad!  lol  Just do not tell her your plans and if she does come make her stay at a hotel and then she will not be able to know when you come and when you go.   and if all else fails...get your Mom to cuss her out because I am sure at this point that your mom has had enough too.  I know if it was my daughter I would be taking off my earrings and putting on my tennis shoes and vaseline at this
  • Ha ha ha. Yes, she offered to handle the woman for me, and as much as I would LOVE that right now, I guess I have to be a grown up and figure out a way for FI and me to handle this ourselves. Fortunately, I haven't heard a single word from her since I posted this, so hopefully it'll be a quiet few months. I'll keep my fingers crossed. Or run her over with my car and plead justifiable homicide. Not serious...but you make a good point. She can come to town, and I can't stop her, but I don't have to include her in what I'm doing while she's there! 
  • Holy crap! She sounds totally insane. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that!! Definitely avoid her like the PLAGUE when she comes to town. And keep your plans to yourself... if you don't tell her anything she won't have anything to critisize.
  • i think you should be very thankful that your FI stands up for you.  i'm going through a similar situation.  my FMIL told me not to buy my dress at a certain store b/c it's cheap, offered to take me dress shopping (after my mom and i had already gone), complained that our reception won't have alcohol (my parent's and my wishes) and the list goes on.  she is very rude and hurtful in front of my face.  we are getting married in my hometown and she has complained to my and other people that there are just no good places to host rehearsal dinners at in the area.  she is talking about places that are 45 minutes away from the rehearsal after his side will have already driven 2 hours to get to my church!!!  my FI just tells me i am too sensitive and of course his mother would never intentionally say hurtful things about me or my town or the surrounding town for that matter.  it is soo frustrating!!  i moved away from my family to be with him.  his mom lives 2 minutes away and his sister 6 houses.  i am getting really nervous that the rest of my life is going to be like this.  i told him i don't expect him to disown his mom or bash her, just support me and make me feel better not make it so i feel bad for what she says......sorry for venting so much on your post!!!
  • oh, no problem. i'm beginning to think this FMIL problem is not as uncommon as I first believed. my FI was like that initially, he was all like, don't worry about it, she's just her...blah blah. Until he saw the crap she was doing/saying & saw how much it affected me. She is his mom, and sometimes it's hard for us to see the flaws in the people we love. I just wonder if there are women out there who have been through this before and it got better? I keep waiting for the moment when we turn the corner and she's calmed down. 
  • I wholeheartedly agree that initially he was the problem, which is why we talked about it (i.e. I told him what i would and would not put up with and that he needed to take care of the situation). And since then, he has. This past trip to his hometown, he was on my side on every situation and independent of my saying anything, told her to back the f*ck off. The problem now is that while he sticks up for me and attempted to deal with the situation, she still continues on in her insanity. It makes it really difficult for me to have any kind of relationship with his family b\c it's not like i can visit without seeing her. This last time even her husband and daughter told her she was being crazy. I'm beginning to think she just enjoys aggravating me. 
  • I have a pretty bad situation too, my FI and I have been engaged for a year now, and his mom quit her job so we would have to take her in, otherwise she'd be "homeless". We told her we're not taking her in because we can't afford it, and because she was irresponsible, and quit her job in a recession, just so my FI would have to support her. Low, and behold she found a place to stay after we told her no, and won't talk to us unless she wants to start trouble or needs something. From day one she has tried to break us up, and at one point, told me my FI was going to beat me, and then turned around and told him I said I was afraid he was going to hit me. I know for a fact he never would, and she argued with me that it would happen. So idk what to tell you darlin. Just stay strong and as long as you're happy with your FI and you guys know that you'll stand together through it, that's all you can do, and hopefully she'll get tired and let things go once the wedding is over. Just don't let your kids spend the night at her house!!!!! Good luck =]
  • I am so sorry. And although I have no advice for what to do to get her to shut up and freaking go away, my heart goes out to you and I must say that you are an incredibly strong woman for putting up with this. I hope your relationship with your FI continues to stay this strong and he continues to back you up.

    And youre right, she probably does enjoy or get something weird out of her behavior. Maybe its all for attention. Although, if it is, I doubt ignoring her will make it go away.

    Best of luck. Stay strong.
  • Tell your FMIL that is she doesnt stop acting like such a c*$%%T that she wont be invited at all. 
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