I just realized that FML and FMIL have just one letter difference, and there's probably a good reason for that. My FI and I have been engaged now for a little over a year. Although his family only lives a little over an hour away, we do not go visit them often. My FI seems much closer to my family than his own, and because of this, I haven't spent a whole lot of time around them. I've tried very hard to be diplomatic while still standing firm, but this is getting to be ridiculous.
We did spend last Thanksgiving with them (right after we got engaged), and from the get-go, my FMIL has attempted to take over my wedding. The first thing she attempted to do was to get me to order a $50 dress from “a friend of hers” that had pick-ups on the skirt (which is something I absolutely hate). From colors, to BM dresses, where to have the ceremony, what kind of engagement ring to choose, etc. Before we got engaged, she was sweet. Initially my FI said there was nothing to do but to ignore her because she just gets worse if you try to respond. However, this thanksgiving was awful. My parents came, and it was the first time they had met her.
With a little less than four months to go, many of the decisions have been made. My FI and I like to do things together, so all of the decisions (with the exception of my dress) have been joint decisions. Let me give you as brief as possible of a rundown of how she acted. First she started complaining about how I don’t cook, insulted my wedding shoes (which I had brought to show his sister-one of my BMs), and insisted we print our invitations ourselves. Then she went on an hour long woe-is-me about how we weren’t having the wedding in her hometown-in front of my mother!
I had asked my FI to get with his mom and get the addresses of his family/friends to send the save-the-dates, which I’d had for a while, and they had yet to get it together. She claimed this was because her computer was broken. They had gotten all the info off of the computer, and she still wouldn’t help put the address list together until my mom asked her several times to do so. What was crazy about this is that she had all of 1 of 30+ addresses that I needed on her old computer. She had to call people to get ALL of the rest of the addresses, which she could’ve done already. Ok, fine. Not my family, not my problem. But she got all huffy that I had already sent my save-the-dates to my guests. Um, hello-get your sh*t together, and you could’ve had yours sent too.
She complained about how small the guest list is (it’s at 315 now!), and how when her daughter gets married, she can invite 1000 people if she wants to - nevermind the fact that she bitches about the 25 person rehearsal dinner cost. She then tried to insist we put people on the list that my FI does not know and would put us over our limit. I have told her repeatedly that the reception site can seat no more than 300 people-the end, and as such we need to have an exact count of the guest list & know who the people are so that when we send out invitations, they can be addressed to the guests and people will know not to add their neighbor’s sister’s cousin’s high school ex-boyfriend. *sigh*
She invited herself shopping with me and my mom for my mom’s dress. She tried to convince my mom to buy lime green mother dresses b\c I had refused to make my BM dresses lime green (and said, “we should get dresses this color b\c (insert my name) hates it!”). She tried to get my mom to wear a short dress to the wedding b\c she (FMIL) wanted to wear a short dress. She tried to go behind FI’s back and tell the people at the tuxedo rental place to order tuxedos with tails (even though he and I both hate them) b\c she thinks it’d look nice.
She hovers behind me when I’m on my computer commenting on everything I do. She constantly harasses me and criticizes me every five minutes. FI tells her to cut it out, and I have quit ignoring it but she continues on. I’ve been growing out my hair for years, and she tries to cut it off. She states she’s going to dye her hair blond (we are black, and let me just tell you, blond is NOT her color) for the wedding.
Then she insisted on playing a song I HATE at the reception. I told her I would put it on my do-not-play list, and she said she was going to go behind my back and tell them to play it anyway. The final straw happened when, after we set our wedding date (and she knew what it was), she realized months later that it’s her husband’s 50th birthday three days after the wedding. I suggested we do a nice brunch the morning after for his friends and family. She insisted that we have a birthday cake for him at the reception & sing happy birthday to him there. When I told her that wasn’t going to happen, she decided she was going to tell guests that the reception ends at 8 PM (which it won’t b\c the band is slated for 3 hours, and there’s no way that they will be done by 8 PM), and that she would have a party at the hotel for his birthday. Complete with appetizers, finger food, and dessert. When I reminded her that we are serving a full meal at the reception, she said, “oh that’s ok; I’ll just tell people not to eat that much so that they can eat my food later.” I really wanted to rip her head off at this point, but I just looked at her sideways and continued on doing what I was doing.
She even pouted for an entire day and insisted her husband (who hates crowds) buy her a new computer b\c the one he had gone all over town and 30 minutes away from town to get her on Black Friday “wasn’t good enough”.
More and more it feels like she is trying to run my life. It’s not just the wedding. She tries to run my relationship with my FI even though she doesn’t know the first thing about what goes on between us and acts like we’re in some competition for his affection. I guess maybe she doesn’t like the fact that he stands up to her when it comes to me and tells her how it is when she tries to do these things. If he’s doing something for me or I ask him to do something, she then whines and complains and gets him to do something for her before he finishes what he was already doing. Fortunately he tells her how it is and we stick together, but it doesn’t seem to be deterring her insanity. His sister and dad seem really nice, and I enjoy spending time with them, but it’s impossible to have any fun b\c she’s always hovering asking me a million questions and insulting my answers or inserting herself into whatever is going on. WTF am I supposed to do with THAT?
I really don't know what to do. She's now planning to take off for half a week before the wedding to come to my hometown to "help" but honestly she'd just be more stress and aggravation than anything else. I've repeatedly told her that I will be out of school (spring break), my mom is taking off that weekend, and my MOH/sister is a stay-at-home mom and have all offered to help with anything I need so it's not necessary for her to come. So what do I need to do to deal with her and how do I convince her not to come add stress and drama to my already stressful pre-wedding prep time?
Whew! Glad I got that off my chest. If you've made it this far, thanks for listening/reading.