For discussion - retro jealousy

Butter Cookie

This man wrote into the local radio show with something like this:

Dear Radio Guys,

I am getting married to my fiancee this weekend, so this isn't the best time to deal with this, but I have been having some jealousy issues about my fiancee's past. In her mid twenties she had about a 4 year span where she was - I will say - free with her body. It bothers me so much that other men enjoyed my fiancee before me. She's a wonderful person and I love her so much but I feel like I need to deal with these feelings.

Help.

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So - I think this guy is a complete douche. She was open with him from the beginning about her past and it makes him feel better slightly that she regrets her past, but he's not over it. What's more is that he asked her to marry him knowing this was gnawing at him, and their wedding is this. weekend.

The radio guys said he needs to sit down and have an honest discussion with her about his feelings, but really he's had a lot of time to think about this. I'm not sure there's anything she can say that will make this okay for him.

WDYT

6fsn

If he wanted a virgin, he should have found one.  I agree he is a huge douche.

I wonder what she did.

Butter Cookie

One is saying they shouldn't get married if it's a concern for him, and the other is saying they should postpone teh wedding, so at least the radio guys aren't crazy.

*Barbie*

i want to know how many girls he's been with - is this guy a virgin or did he get around just as much as his FI?

either way, I think this is something that should have been brought up and dealt with before now. it's good that she was honest with him from the beginning - I know a girl who tells guys that she has very little experience - has been with a couple of guys, when her number is closer to 100 at last count (and that was a few years ago...)

nicoleg1982

Ditto Barbie - is this guy a virgin?

Also, if he had an issue with how many bats had been in her cave, he should've mentioned that in the beginning.  It's a little too late to be handing out vag rejuvenation gift certificates as a wedding gift to your wife.

**O-Face**

He needs to get over it.  Something must've sparked it.

Butter Cookie

Apparently he's been with other women, but not as many woman as she's been with men. What's more is she's said she regrets her choice (which I don't personally agree with - I wouldn't change my past, even though I've been with more men than H has women) and that's not good enough for him. I don't think he should even want her to regret it, but you get what I'm saying.

nicoleg1982

$5 says she wouldn't "regret" those decisions if she weren't with Senor Prude.

GBCK

" It bothers me so much that other men enjoyed my fiancee before me."

THat sentence right there smacks so much of ownership that I can't even see straight.

I am OK w/ being uncomfortable w/ someone's past...and I get that you might think "oh, I'm OK w/ that" and then discover that, on a gut level, you're not.

But at some level, you either get past it or you break up.  WTF is talking about it going to do?

ReturnOfKuus

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_discussion-retro-jealousy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:be658402-024b-42e0-9475-22208d3b7647Post:36432f97-a476-4a78-9191-2bc956daeee6">Re: For discussion - retro jealousy</a>:
[QUOTE]" It bothers me so much that other men enjoyed my fiancee before me." THat sentence right there smacks so much of ownership that I can't even see straight. I am OK w/ being uncomfortable w/ someone's past...and I get that you might think "oh, I'm OK w/ that" and then discover that, on a gut level, you're not. But at some level, you either get past it or you break up.  WTF is talking about it going to do?
Posted by GBCK[/QUOTE]


I agree with every single bit of this.  You know I'm totally okay with judging someone's past, and maybe ruling them out as a partner because of it.  But staying with them and berating them about it?  No.  Hell no.

I do, however, have to wonder if some of these problems are caused by the societal pressure NOT to judge and rule someone out based on their past.  I guess I'm saying, I wonder how many people stay with people they otherwise wouldn't because they think one thing or another isn't a "good enough" reason to rule that person out, and that they'd be a jerk and feel guilty if they did opt out for that reason.

csousa1

I love my BF more than anything in the world. He has been with 100+ women. He told me this before we ever started dating, slept together, fell in love, etc. He offered me full honesty from the get go, which is more than his previous GFs got from him about that topic. He was nervous to tell me and how I would react, and I honestly told him I was a bit taken aback, but that, "The past doesn't matter, I care about you for who you are." Now, if I am being honest, there are some days where the past DOES matter. We both speak fairly candidly about our lives, and sometimes a story will come up or I will have a question, and halfway through it my gut wrenches and I realize, "I don't want to know that, actually.." But that is when I realize that I need to stop asking the questions - that is all on me, not him. I need to know what I can and cannot handle. I have my moments of having trouble dealing with it, like when I caught myself going though his phone, and realize that that is my problem, not his. If I need to talk to him about it, then I need to, but none of  my insecurities are his fault. That is an important distinction to make, and one that this guy clearly needs to learn.

NOLABridesmaid

Csousa, I'm wondering if he's dealt with what was going on with him that he felt like he had to have sex with 100+ women, and has he dealt with those issues.

I think that when someone has a number in that range there is something deeper going on, and needs to be address before they can enter into a committed relationship, let alone marriage. He might have dealt with it, but only you know the answer to that.

Just my 2 cents.

ReturnOfKuus

Uh huh.  That's pretty gross.  I wouldn't feel bad for giving the hell no to a date with that guy.