Wedding Woes
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Need advice!!

Ok so here's the situation.  My dad (FOB) wants to have a more modern wedding where everyone helps pay for the wedding.  Fiance's parents want to pay for specifics such as photography.  It seems like there is going to be a huge shortage on other things but it's not my place to ask my fiance's parents to just put their money in and then it gets assigned randomly, but my fiance doesn't want to ask them to do it that way because he's afraid they won't help at all.  BTW, fiance's family takes up more than half our guest list and they want to do it more traditionally (my dad pays).  This whole thing is just getting really frustrating and everyone's at a stand still.  I can barely even start planning because we don't know where the money is coming from to pay the vendors.  My FI and I are paying probably about half of the fund but I have no idea how to get his parents to contribute fairly.  Doesn't it seem like they should be helping out a little more since they are taking up the most space and budget?

Re: Need advice!!

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    You could be ultra modern and pay for things yourself.  It's not okay to ask anyone to pitch in money.  Whatever you do, don't run to daddy and tell him what the ILs are or are not paying for.  It's going to lead to years of animosity.
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    This is your show  not his families. Amazing how people forget about catering per head. Make it like the club and pay a cover charge.  perhaps ask for Visa gift cards as a gift to somewhat pay yourselves back.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_need-advice-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c46eb24e-9489-4ec3-b0d3-38a55e92afe3Post:9036333b-40f5-4902-9e6d-fbe75fb9007e">Re: Need advice!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is your show  not his families. Amazing how people forget about catering per head. Make it like the club and pay a cover charge.  perhaps ask for Visa gift cards as a gift to somewhat pay yourselves back.
    Posted by joiner521[/QUOTE]

    <div>I was wondering if this was a joke until I read a few other posts of yours. Troll.</div>
    image
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_need-advice-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:c46eb24e-9489-4ec3-b0d3-38a55e92afe3Post:f1f8c9b6-9b1c-44d3-ae75-63bfe6782ac6">Need advice!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok so here's the situation.  My dad (FOB) wants to have a more modern wedding where everyone helps pay for the wedding.  Fiance's parents want to pay for specifics such as photography.  It seems like there is going to be a huge shortage on other things but it's not my place to ask my fiance's parents to just put their money in and then it gets assigned randomly, but my fiance doesn't want to ask them to do it that way because he's afraid they won't help at all.  BTW, fiance's family takes up more than half our guest list and they want to do it more traditionally (my dad pays).  This whole thing is just getting really frustrating and everyone's at a stand still.  <strong>I can barely even start planning because we don't know where the money is coming from to pay the vendors.</strong>  My FI and I are paying probably about half of the fund but I have no idea how to get his parents to contribute fairly.  Doesn't it seem like they should be helping out a little more since they are taking up the most space and budget?
    Posted by sharone58[/QUOTE]

    Your budget is whatever you and your FI can afford. If your fILs are willing to chip in for the photog, that's great. Say thank you, and move on. If your parents are willing to pay for a portion of the reception, say thank you, and move on.

    if you  and your fi pay for everything then you get final say in the guest list- you can limit each group (parents of bride/fILs/you and FI) to a set number of guests. you will also get final say in any other wedding items. Anyone who contributes will get a say in how that money is spent.

    if you and your parents pay for the entire reception then you can limit your fILs' guest list (have your FI tell them - "mom/dad based on our reception budget, you guys can invite ### guests including any family/friends. please give me your final guest list by [date]").

    you can't ask people for money (well, you can, but it's rude), and you shouldn't count on any money until you have it in your hands - i.e. just because someone offers to pay for something now, make sure YOU can afford it and want to pay for it if they back out later.
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    WOW!
    All of you are super harsh! Mean!!
    The girl is sad and distraught and you give her crap, she is posting the comment for support!! Glad you are not MY friend, Bridezillas!
    Haha! @ artbyallie Awesome.

    sharone58,

    I'm so sorry, money issues when planning a wedding is tough. It takes all the joy out of it. Family is supposed to have your back and help out, no matter what form. Perhaps for now you can get married at the courthouse and have an intimate dinner with your immediate family in a private room at your favorite restaurant. I know it may not be even close to your dream wedding but it still will be your special day. You can always have a big wedding later. Or perhaps keep it on the cheap and do a fun BBQ or pot luck style wedding and make your decos. I bet if you talk to your fiance and his parents and tell them you want something nice but your dad is being a miser (just kidding, ok not really) and there are too many guests on the guest-list (don't mention it's the grooms side guests you are speaking of) that they will offer to pay for their guests. If not then cut the list down to close friends and family. Guest list should be equal on both groom and brides side. AND if you are paying for it yourselves, then guess what, who cares who the fiance's parents want to invite!!

    Good luck!! It will all work out in the end!

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_need-advice-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:c46eb24e-9489-4ec3-b0d3-38a55e92afe3Post:f1f8c9b6-9b1c-44d3-ae75-63bfe6782ac6">Need advice!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Ok so here's the situation.  My dad (FOB) wants to have a more modern wedding where everyone helps pay for the wedding.  Fiance's parents want to pay for specifics such as photography.  It seems like there is going to be a huge shortage on other things but it's not my place to ask my fiance's parents to just put their money in and then it gets assigned randomly, but my fiance doesn't want to ask them to do it that way because he's afraid they won't help at all.  BTW, fiance's family takes up more than half our guest list and they want to do it more traditionally (my dad pays).  This whole thing is just getting really frustrating and everyone's at a stand still.  I can barely even start planning because we don't know where the money is coming from to pay the vendors.  My FI and I are paying probably about half of the fund but I have no idea how to get his parents to contribute fairly.  Doesn't it seem like they should be helping out a little more since they are taking up the most space and budget?
    Posted by sharone58[/QUOTE]

    There shouldn't be "a huge shortage on other things" if you budget according to your available funds.  The amount of money you have available drives the budget, not the other way around.

    Honestly, it's not your ILs' business who pays for what.  They contribute what they want to, and as Duckis (I believe?) said, you thank them for their GIFT and move on.  And it's none of your business how much people contribute--"I have no idea how to get his parents to contribute fairly?"  Really?  No one owes you money for a party.  Your party, you pay.  Gifts from family are just that, gifts.  They don't owe you X amount.

    If your ILs are inviting more people than you can afford, then your FI needs to tell them that it's beyond your budget; you've budgeted for X number of people, of which they can invite Y number of people. 

    And don't listen to ErickaDJ or whatever unless you want both of your families to think that you are a spoiled, entitled princess.  "My dad is being a miser, wah wah, someone else pony up?"  Yeah, no.  Advice FAIL.
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    Wow, I can't believe how rude most of you were.  What I was saying is that our guest list keeps growing because of the in-laws family and the people who "have to be there."  That's why I believe they should contribute if they want people to actually be able to eat.  Thankfully, they agree with me and are going to help out since they want more people there than my FI and I can afford.  I really thought the people on here would at least be civilized but I guess I was wrong.  Thanks for nothing.
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