Wedding Woes
Options

Oh dear

The boyfriend has two kids with his ex-wife. When I came into the picture, BF had agreed to his ex that she could take the kids entirely across the country to live with her sister and get a new start. Before that point, the ex had not worked in 8 years, was a stay at home mom with no driver's license, no friends to speak of, and spent all day watching soaps and not interacting with the kids. As a result, his ex obviously had no self-sufficient capabilities, and the kids were socially and educationally behind their peers - both with speech impediments. On top of that, he's military so none of his family nor hers is here, so she had no support system to speak of once they became separated.

BF was definitely torn about them leaving, but decided that this would be a good way for his ex to financially get on her feet. Her sister is a great mom who enforces her expectations, so BF thought this would be a good environment for his ex to learn how to be a self-sufficient adult.

The agreement was that she could take the kids to live on the other side of the country, BF would pay child support (double what the courts would have made him pay b/c he wants to make sure his kids are well taken care of), and they would split the costs to fly the kids back to see him during Christmas break and for the entire summer.

Well, surprise, surprise. She supposedly didn't have the money to send the kids back over Christmas and she refused to use the money that he was sending her each month to pay for half. So he didn't get the kids over Christmas break. And now, he hasn't been able to talk to them for 3 weeks. He calls 10-15 times a day trying to get in touch with them. He leaves messages, emails, texts, everything. And not a word in return.

This is going to get ugly.

Re: Oh dear

  • Options
    edited December 2011
    I feel sorry for him and the kids, and you, by extention.
    image
  • Options
    DG1DG1 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Very sad, but he should have seen that coming a mile away. 

    I hope he is REALLY awesome, because he is coming with a lot of baggage and drama.

    image
  • Options
    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I'm with DG on this.
    image
  • Options
    SposatiSposati member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, I don't know. He gets the crappy luck of being the first guy I've gotten involved with after ex-H.

    I really care about him, and I really enjoy our life that we're very slowly building. But i'm not sure what my place is in a situation like this, to be completely honest.

    I think my status will really be determined by how he handles this situation. I'm definitely watching him. So far, he's been great with his interactions with the kids (skype, phone), and even with his ex. He's definitely been patient and understanding with her when the situation has called for it. But he hasn't had to face anything this bad yet. So...I guess we'll see.

    I've got one foot out the door anyway, just from my own emotional circumstance. This will be a catalyst, either for me to completely walk away or realize that this is the guy I want to be with. Either way, I don't like the fact that this is how I have to learn what he's made of. His kids are the ones that are ultimately being harmed, and she doesn't seem to get that.
  • Options
    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    If there's a vote, I'm going to vote for putting the other foot out the door too; you've been through enough drama not of your own making in one lifetime.  Either way, though, I'm sure you'll make a sensible decision.  You always do.
    image
  • Options
    +candi++candi+ member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    That sucks, but he should have seen it coming. Also, if he was concerned about the kids being behind etc he should have done something about it (as much as he could anyway since he didn't live with them) enroll them in activities, whatever, to get them around other kids. Tell her she needs to get a DL to be able to get them to these places. WTF @ that anyway? What if there was an emergency and she needed to get them somewhere?
    imageimage
  • Options
    SposatiSposati member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    He definitely should have seen it coming. His POV was that they had been able to work everything out (child support, custody, etc) so amicably that he never dreamed she'd think it was a good idea to keep him from having contact with the kids. He was never a deadbeat dad and was always a big part of their lives.

    He definitely gets the side eye from me that he let things get as bad as they did with the kids. His only defense is that he was deployed a lot, and worked rotating 12 hour night shifts for 4 years before the separation. He said he'd constantly ask that she go to a driving school, but she would sign up then quit. The kids' development was also constantly brought up, and of course, without a DL, she said he would have to take them, and that just wasn't possible with him working 12 hour nights.

    He said he felt very guilty and stuck it out in the relationship for 5 years because he knew that once he left her, she'd be incapable of doing anything for herself or the kids. That probably just ended up making it worse, because she constantly had that safety net, plus other military wives who were willing to drive her around and do things for her.

    I want no drama, please. I don't mind getting involved with someone who has a history and has kids. I just don't need to be sucked up into something this stupid and messy.
  • Options
    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I'm wondering why he even dated a grownass woman who couldn't drive.
    image
  • Options
    ~~Busy.~~~~Busy.~~ member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I will put this simply.  Do you want a project or a calm relationship?  He sounds like a project to me.
  • Options
    SposatiSposati member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    That's the crazy thing, Kuus.


    I asked the same damn question, and apparently she went from one extreme to another.


    When they met, he was overseas and her dad was military at the same base. Nobody drove there (unless they were permanently stationed there) because pretty much everything was walkable or they used public transit.

    Apparently, she was very outgoing, had a decent job and was motivated to make something of herself. She had a lot of good friends, and she seemed like she had her crap together.

    He got orders to come back to the states, so within a year of dating, they were married so he could bring her back with him. She was supposedly really excited and started making all these plans about what she was going to do, college, job, etc. Once they got to the states, it was like a lightswitch flipped off. She apparently became reclusive, always talked about getting a license and a job, never really did. She had a job at the base for 3 weeks, but quit. Decided to stay home with the kids, and slowly deteriorated into this automaton who stayed on the couch for hours and didn't accept the fact that this was her life, these were her kids, and that if she wanted more, she needed to make it happen.
  • Options
    +candi++candi+ member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_oh-dear-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c50a6bb2-19bd-4e08-be2a-539d450a642bPost:226f496e-4980-4b41-9b10-b4a5cc8d4a52">Re: Oh dear</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's the crazy thing, Kuus. I asked the same damn question, and apparently she went from one extreme to another. When they met, he was overseas and her dad was military at the same base. Nobody drove there (unless they were permanently stationed there) because pretty much everything was walkable or they used public transit. Apparently, she was very outgoing, had a decent job and was motivated to make something of herself. She had a lot of good friends, and she seemed like she had her crap together. He got orders to come back to the states, so within a year of dating, they were married so he could bring her back with him. She was supposedly really excited and started making all these plans about what she was going to do, college, job, etc. Once they got to the states, it was like a lightswitch flipped off. She apparently became reclusive, always talked about getting a license and a job, never really did. She had a job at the base for 3 weeks, but quit. <strong>Decided to stay home with the kids, and slowly deteriorated into this automaton who stayed on the couch for hours and didn't accept the fact that this was her life, these were her kids, and that if she wanted more, she needed to make it happen.</strong>
    Posted by Sposati[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Wow. That's crazy. And sad.

    </div>
    imageimage
  • Options
    SposatiSposati member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_oh-dear-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:c50a6bb2-19bd-4e08-be2a-539d450a642bPost:f27bb038-7449-4d9f-9ced-fdab93ff5cbb">Re: Oh dear</a>:
    [QUOTE]I will put this simply.  Do you want a project or a calm relationship?  He sounds like a project to me.
    Posted by ~~Busy.~~[/QUOTE]

    Good point. Thankfully, he's figured a lot of isht out and he isn't so much a project anymore. If I had gotten involved with him two years ago, he definitely would have been. And all he would see is my booty as it was running out the door.

    But this is most certainly inherited drama that I wasn't expecting.
  • Options
    ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Ah.  So really, the only mistake he made there was marrying someone he hadn't been with for very long.  Rookie mistake, but it happens.
    image
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards