Interfaith (sort of) Advice needed!

Sancha0

Hey all,

So here's the scoop. I'm Wiccan, he's not sure, my families mostly atheist, and his is mostly Christian. We have been going out for about 4 years and we went to church with his family for about the first year until we decided it really wasn't for us. His parents didn't really question anything.

Now we have been engaged for almost a year, the wedding is in 4 months, and his parents have communicated that they won't accept a non-Christian ceremony, they want to read and review the ceremony and our vows, and that any non-Christian wedding is nothing but fraud before a false god. 

He obviously wants his parents support and to have them at the wedding. We had compromised on a secular, JP-officiated ceremony, but now that's not good enough for his parents. They have created a huge amount of fighting between us, to the point where we are questioning whether we can live together.

HELP!!!!

ReturnOfKuus

The real problem here isn't faith - the real problem is controlling parents who think that they have a right to the final say on someone else's wedding ceremony.

Butter Cookie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_interfaith-sort-of-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c6b4b7f3-dbe8-45d2-a4ff-3f52f46b5b85Post:77b26ed5-8fd4-4f02-819b-05d723ad2774">Re: Interfaith (sort of) Advice needed!</a>:
[QUOTE]The real problem here isn't faith - the real problem is controlling parents who think that they have a right to the final say on someone else's wedding ceremony.
Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]


this.

MinM

Well, first what Kuus said.

I am not religious. H is, to a certain extent. MIL & FIL are Southern Baptist, like, really, really, Southern Baptist. To make them happy, I asked FIL to say a blessing before the meal and the officant said some stuff from the bible. I just asked not to have to repeat any of it, since it isn't what I believe in.

So, you can do two things, dig your heels in hard and get prepared for the fight/backlash, or two, compromise and realize, you may be setting this as the standard for your relationship with them.

Are you considering having children? Will they insist on those children being baptised, etc? How will you deal with that?

notamrs

Min raises a good point.  Remember that this is not going to end with the wedding.  If they won't accept a non-Christian ceremony, odds are they are going to "insist" that any grandkids be raised in the church, so you need to figure out how you and he are going to deal with that.  If you can't come to an agreement together and have a united front, I would seriously rethink whether or not to go forward with the marriage.

TheDuckis

Will his parents really not show up if the wedding doesn't meet their standards? Or is it an empty threat meant to manipulate you into doing what they want?

Ask them where their religion has gotten them if they're willing to throw away their relationship with their son over something so petty.

InksWell

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_interfaith-sort-of-advice-needed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:c6b4b7f3-dbe8-45d2-a4ff-3f52f46b5b85Post:42cdb023-7de6-4ad3-a67d-85e0d7413bab">Interfaith (sort of) Advice needed!</a>:
[QUOTE]We had compromised on a secular, JP-officiated ceremony, but now that's not good enough for his parents. They have created a huge amount of fighting between us, to the point where we are questioning whether we can live together. HELP!!!!
Posted by Sancha0[/QUOTE]


Who compromised on the JOP, you and FI or you+FI and the IL's?

IL's shouldn't be able to create fighting between a healthy couple. What exactly are you fighting about?

If you are questioning being able to live together, you need to figure that out ASAP. Wedding should be on hold until you are sure you can tolerate sharing space with a person. What part of living together are you questioning?

I agree with PP, you need to sort out now how your beliefs are going to shape your married life, and you and FI need to had your ILs a sit down card. Review your ceremony? Just tell them "We want you to be able to relax and have a good time, we'll worry about the details".

Sancha0

We are questioning how much interference his parents will create between us. At the moment he is still living at home so they continually ambush him when he gets up in the morning asking him what we've decided. 

We aren't sure if it is an empty threat or not, but he is concerned that we might not want to be letting our kids go to his parent's house, which is quite sad. He really wants his parents to be there, but they won't support any non-christian ceremony. we are aware that it is not just the wedding, but our lives as well, so we aren't sure how to compromise and figure things out. 

We both love each other and he believes his parents views are extreme, but he wants to respect their wishes and respect them.

WTDuck?

Respecting them and their wishes =/= bending to their every demand. He can have an adult conversation with them and explain that while he loves them, he's not religious like they are and feels like having a religious ceremony would be a sham.

And I highly recommend he get out of their house before the wedding. Going directly from Mom and Dad's to married isn't an easy adjustment for anyone.

I'd postpone the wedding until you guys have time to work out a plan re: your different religious views and he's able to get out from under his parents' thumb.