planning's just getting started, and I'm already worried (bit of a vent)

Chipmunk415

BG: I've been lurking for a long time. I know the rule "he who pays gets to say." With that in mind, I've been doing some preliminary planning working with my own budget in case my fears come true. This is mostly nerves, (I hope). end BG

I've just started the planning process for my Spring 2014 wedding. My Dad has offered to pay. We met with him and my Mom almost a month ago to discuss some preliminary info (ie, general time of year, location). I brought printed materials for him (he likes to look at stuff himself in hard copy) from the city I live in, the city he and my mom live in, and St. Augustine since that's a big wedding city. He immediately axed St. Aug, so it's down to my city and his city (his is 2.5 hrs away, easy drive, but small college town. My city is MUCH bigger, with a lot more options).

We looked at a few places that day (drive by) in his city. My parents are coming this weekend to see the two choices I've narrowed it down to in my city (Dad has bad back, likes things on his own schedule, I'm not dragging him all over town to look at possible places, he's grumpy when he's in a good mood). And I am very, very nervous as to how this will go.

As I said, he's grumpy in a good mood. He also has selective hearing (example, Mom reminded him about the appt I was able to get with the coordinator for one site this weekend, and his response was a snarky "That's the first I've heard of it." ) Mom's been bugging him about going at some point, reminding him how quick places book up (the nicest, ceremony and reception dual location in his town is already booked next march and april, and may/june, its getting too hot). He doesn't want to come next weekend, he wants to go to a track meet in his town. But he wants input. So, this Saturday (yes, the day before Easter), they are coming over. If he doesn't like something, he tends to be very, very vocal about it, and not in a nice way.
 
I'm cringing inside, because both locations are in well to do neighborhoods, where a lot of govt workers, lawyers, judges, other professional types live. I work in govt. Gossip travels very fast in this town, and none so more as among govt workers. If I am recognized as a govt. worker (I'm in a very professional position), I'm concerned how the gossip could potentially affect my professional reputation, not to mention the emotional havoc I'll get to enjoy if he starts harping on me too.

 I'm hoping before we go to these places I can show him the more detailed info I've gathered, describe what I think are the pros and cons of each place, and what my thoughts are as to the better option, and leave final decision between them to him. I'm just really concerned he'll insist on it being in his town (even if the locations are not as nice and not as good a value for the money. One place here has EVERYTHING included but clothes, officiant, cake, and dj, and with overestimates on food, drink, and guest list, its 4600 including the tax and service charge, AND it's super nice) because he feels he needs to be in control (yes he's one of those types).
 
I'm concerned his comment will be "do it my way or I don't pay." I'm ok with him not paying, I think it's a generous offer, and I can afford the wedding I want. I suppose I'm not looking for any kind of answer here, just trying to breathe. It might sound like I'm overreacting, but he's been known to throw hissy fits over nonconsequential things, imagined slights, and he's a master of passive aggressiveness. I want to be able to enjoy the planning process, not be worried over whether he's going to blow a gasket. I may just say "I appreciate your offer, Dad, but I've got this covered, thanks," in order to save myself the stomach ulcer and white hairs.

VarunaTT

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_plannings-just-getting-started-and-im-already-worried-bit-of-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:c9a75e58-736b-4025-8bf9-e672b385b9ccPost:4324dd8a-2e7d-4bc9-957f-9f4d254b9088">planning's just getting started, and I'm already worried (bit of a vent)</a>:
[QUOTE] I may just say "I appreciate your offer, Dad, but I've got this covered, thanks," in order to save myself the stomach ulcer and white hairs.
Posted by Chipmunk415[/QUOTE]

<div>I would.</div>

Ella and Pedro

Do all the planning and pay your deposits yourself.  Tell him that if he wants to help you are overjoyed and grateful, but have decided you and your fiance prefer to coordinate the wedding and decide all the big design elements. If he asks you way, you could say it's because you *want* to design and decide these things with your fiance as a romantic process that will be very meaningful for you both.  Don't say it's because of him or how he is. He can't change (won't change) and it's just not worth the fight, or tension.  Then, thank him again for his offer and tell him how much you look forward to seeing him enjoy himself that weekend - walk you down the aisle etc.  If he then repeats his offer to help/pay, offer him specific services and vendor/s to make payments to.  Or two.  For example, select your florist and your flowers, then he pays for it.  Be clear that you decide the vendor and the services/product, and he is paying - if he does not like this offer, thank him but decline any assistance, and repeat your excitement of seeing him that weeekend and enjoying his company and expressions of love (toast, etc.)  Then make a budget based on the possibility that he won't pay for anything, just in case.

lyssabee

Uh, I have nothing to add that hasn't already been said, but I do have a question.

Where are you looking at that only costs $4600???

mrslucento

Sweetheart, (not trying to make you sound like a kid, just being nice and southern), maybe give your dad free rein over a nice engagement party or ask him to chip in on a down payment on a house or something. If you can really afford the wedding you want, there is no need to go through all the stress, grey hairs, and heartburn that sounds like. My hubby and I are paying for everything ourselves and my mother tried to be bossy (like your dad) about my dress and then where/when everything was going to be. I told her, 'you've already had your wedding(s); sit back, relax and know that we're ok.' Hope this helps. *personally I would go for that incredibly good site you mentioned that's all inclusive. Best wishes!

Chipmunk415

Thanks ladies!

Lyssa, to answer your question, I live in Tallahassee, FL. Not Destination Wedding Central, but there are some nice plantation homes and ritzy housing areas, mostly home to politicians, lawyers, executives, and doctors in this town, with nice country clubs. It's basically decently kept secret- you can have a full out plantation house wedding with natural arbors of shade trees for under 8 grand with tax if you plan right and choose carefully. In my case, we're also planning a small (50 person or less) wedding, and that estimate accounted for extra people.

Mrs Luc, that would work, but he doesn't really do parties. He paid for my education, including grad school, so I'm not asking for anything more, I'm flattered he offered so generously. Additionally, aside from my folks and FI's folks, everyone else in the family is far flung around the country- engagement party is out.

They arrive tomorrow. I've given detailed directions to my house, I'm cleaning the bejeezus out of everything tonight, getting groceries, etc (mom's laid back, willing to pitch in; Dad's the "make me feel at home" type). I've already copied everything from both locations in  the folders of materials I was given, and made a list of pros and cons so he can examine it himself. I've got my reasons written down for not looking at other venues (too big, too small, bad reviews, hard to get to, etc), and I'm praying this goes smoothly. As a precaution, I've stocked up on Moscato (my favorite) and I'm considering a back specific massage appointment next week.  Send good vibes, I'm gonna need em.

Lyds85

Im going to chime in here and say that i think you should give your dad the benefit of the doubt. you are his daughter and im sure that as grumpy as he may be that he really just wants you to have a nice wedding. As far as worrying what other people think of him, who cares? people always have an opinion anyway. I think you shold let him help you with this, and just take it one day at a time. besides, it sounds like mom is easy going and im sure she can help with working things out with him. Your dad sounds like a gentlemen who just wants to give his daughter a nice wedding. so i think you should let him and trust that he only wants te best for you.

Ella and Pedro

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_plannings-just-getting-started-and-im-already-worried-bit-of-a-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:c9a75e58-736b-4025-8bf9-e672b385b9ccPost:aaa8ca49-e231-4b4f-a3b3-62c581c1332e">Re: planning's just getting started, and I'm already worried (bit of a vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks ladies! Lyssa, to answer your question, I live in Tallahassee, FL. Not Destination Wedding Central, but there are some nice plantation homes and ritzy housing areas, mostly home to politicians, lawyers, executives, and doctors in this town, with nice country clubs. It's basically decently kept secret- you can have a full out plantation house wedding with natural arbors of shade trees for under 8 grand with tax if you plan right and choose carefully. In my case, we're also planning a small (50 person or less) wedding, and that estimate accounted for extra people. Mrs Luc, that would work, but he doesn't really do parties. He paid for my education, including grad school, so I'm not asking for anything more, I'm flattered he offered so generously. Additionally, aside from my folks and FI's folks, everyone else in the family is far flung around the country- engagement party is out. They arrive tomorrow. I've given detailed directions to my house, I'm cleaning the bejeezus out of everything tonight, getting groceries, etc (mom's laid back, willing to pitch in; Dad's the "make me feel at home" type). I've already copied everything from both locations in  the folders of materials I was given, and made a list of pros and cons so he can examine it himself. I've got my reasons written down for not looking at other venues (too big, too small, bad reviews, hard to get to, etc), and I'm praying this goes smoothly. As a precaution, I've stocked up on Moscato (my favorite) and I'm considering a back specific massage appointment next week.  Send good vibes, I'm gonna need em.
Posted by Chipmunk415[/QUOTE]

Moscato also my favorite :)

Chipmunk415

UPDATE!!!

Things ended up going really really well, aside from one of my cats scaring the bejeezus out of Dad when she wanted to say hello (just got the two of them in December, Dad hadn't met them yet, and she took a flying leap to her favorite perch when he was turning around right beside it).

Aside from snarky comments and questions about my opinion on certain current events (I'm an attorney, and he, as the doctor and much more experienced Dad, always wants to pull my arguments apart), discussion of wedding stuff went well. He was happy to have his own copy to look over, though I had to re-explain some details several times the night before and morning of.

They liked both venues, but much preferred the second and liked that it has space for indoor wedding in case of bad weather. I was able to answer all his questions, and the first location managed to handle his questions pretty well too. But second location is a go, just gotta set date in stone, get contract, and make deposit!

I have to wonder if my mother didn't have a stern talk with him, though he did make a comment about wanting input on the bridal party (uh, we're not sure if we're even going to have one!!) Perhaps he was in a good mood because we took him to a few gun shops too. Perhaps he had planned to be snarky, but when he saw all the work I'd put into selecting locations and providing him with info, he relized what a jerk he'd seem like (this has happened before). Either way, I'm breathing a big sigh of relief for now, until the next big issue comes up.