Wedding Woes
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I have many questions.

Dear Prudence,
My husband had an affair with a crazy woman. When he left her she began harassing me with mean emails, phone calls, etc. Eventually this escalated into vandalism. She keyed my car and broke some of my garden statues. Once I caught her in the act, and in her attempt to get away she hit me in the face and the back of my head with a large rock. Thankfully, I wasn’t badly hurt. I called the police and she was arrested. If convicted she could face several months to several years in prison; this isn't her first brush with the law. The issue is she has two elementary-school-age children. If she goes to jail there is no one who can or is willing to take them in. There's a possibility they could end up in foster care. For that reason, my mother and some friends (though not my husband) have been pressuring me not to press charges. I feel for these kids. I am a mother myself. But it makes me sick to think this awful person might walk away from her crimes without punishment. What should I do?

—Stalked

Re: I have many questions.

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    i can;t even form a response, so i will pull a hooka and quietly leave this post.

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    I thought she was going to say her mother and some friends were pressuring her to take the kids in so they wouldn't have to go to foster care. 

    It does sound like this woman is pressing charges for the wrong reasons. When she frames it as fearing "this awful person might walk away from her crimes without punishment," that makes it about the wife getting revenge, in this case at the expense of the children, which is just wrong. She's angry about the affair and ultimately making the kids pay for it.

    If she presses charges, I hope it would be to protect the children from a mother who might one day hit them in the face with a rock. 

    And really. Rapists and murderers are out in just a few years. Unless this woman's previous brushes with the law are severe, she's not going to jail for years for simple assault.

    What did Prudie say?

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    Dear Stalked,
    I’m surprised you didn’t come home one day to find this unhinged woman in the kitchen making a sous-vide preparation with the family pet. Your husband is lucky that as an anniversary gift you didn’t give him a video box set of Play Misty for Me, Fatal Attraction, and Obsessed. Your husband’s former lover could have killed you. So not only have you apparently forgiven you husband for cheating (with a lunatic, no less), you are now being pressured—by your mother!—to forgive your potential murderer. I hope you have some people in your life who are not trying to jeopardize your safety and sanity. There seems, however, to be confusion about your role in what happens next. By appropriately calling the police after this assault and filing a report you have done your part to help the government press charges and what happens to the perpetrator is now a matter for the criminal justice system, not you, to decide. I assume your mother and so-called friends simply don’t understand this, and aren’t in fact asking for you to get yourself in legal trouble by refusing to testify or somehow trying to undermine the case. Of course it’s terrible that this woman’s children could find themselves wards of the state if their mother ends up in government-provided housing. But it must be equally terrible to be raised by someone so dangerous and unstable. Getting away from their mother could be the best thing to happen to these children. They, like you, are her victims. You only mention him in passing, but I hope your husband has taken the blame for his horrendous behavior and judgment and is trying every day to make you feel loved—and safe.

    —Prudie

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    Chris Brown didn't go to jail.
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    aren't we all, "potential murderers" though?  ;)
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    Well, maybe this woman should've thought of her kids before she went and assualting someone in the head/face with a rock while in the act of trespassing and damaging personal property.

    I have absolutely no sympathy for this woman.  I have sympathy for the kids, and that sucks, but Mom is crazy, yo.  I wonder where kids' dad is.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_i-have-many-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:cab42764-7100-488c-b41b-eb8a86404e4ePost:74969df1-0184-41cd-8bae-5dbf7528ba02">Re: I have many questions.</a>:
    [QUOTE]aren't we all, "potential murderers" though?  ;)
    Posted by Wzz[/QUOTE]

    <div>Seriously. Way to blow things out of proportion, Prudie. </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>And good point re: Chris Brown. Did Rhianna press charges, though? </div><div>
    </div><div>Our judicial system is some kind of screwed up. People can get 50 years for smoking pot or shoplifting a candy bar, but rapists and murderers get 2 or 3. Or none. </div>

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    It depends on what they're charging this lady with and what her attorney is able to deal/plead down for jail time.  I mean, with a pattern of past stalking and escalation of behavior, arguably they could be looking at some major charges depending on what the other "brushes" were.

    I think that Rihanna didn't press charges, but didn't the prosecuting attorney move forward with the charges anyway?

    I guess I'm alone in thinking that this isn't being blown up big enough.  I don't think Prudie is overreacting, this woman hit her in the face and the back of a head with a rock.  That's not minor to me, striking someone that way w/a weapon is w/intent to really hurt/kill them. She might be crazy, but still, she needs some damn help then.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_i-have-many-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:cab42764-7100-488c-b41b-eb8a86404e4ePost:ed5c09f4-11d1-4da8-aaf0-700a6b56b6cc">Re: I have many questions.</a>:
    [QUOTE].  It does sound like this woman is pressing charges for the wrong reasons. When she frames it as fearing "this awful person might walk away from her crimes without punishment," that makes it about the wife getting revenge, in this case at the expense of the children, which is just wrong. She's angry about the affair and ultimately making the kids pay for it.
    Posted by DG1[/QUOTE]

    I completely disagree with you.   I don't think it sounds like she's pressing charges for the wrong reason at all.   If anyone intentionally hits me in the head with a rock, Dh's mistress or not, you sure as hell can bet I'll be pressing charges and wanting them to be punished for.   And this: "this awful person might walk away from her crimes without punishment," - um, YES, that is what I'dbe thinking and that doesn't make it about revenge, it makes it about JUSTICE.
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    In Response to Re:I have many questions.:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I have many questions.:.nbsp; It does sound like this woman is pressing charges for the wrong reasons. When she frames it as fearing "this awful person might walk away from her crimes without punishment," that makes it about the wife getting revenge, in this case at the expense of the children, which is just wrong. She's angry about the affair and ultimately making the kids pay for it. Posted by DG1I completely disagree with you.nbsp;nbsp; I don't think it sounds like she's pressing charges for the wrong reason at all.nbsp;nbsp; If anyone intentionally hits me in the head with a rock, Dh's mistress or not, you sure as hell can bet I'll be pressing charges and wanting them to be punished for.nbsp;nbsp; And this:nbsp;"this awful person might walk away from her crimes without punishment," um, YES, that is what I'dbe thinking and that doesn't make it about revenge, it makes it about JUSTICE. Posted by AuntFlo[/QUOTE]

    Totally agree with this. I think people tend to forget what the justice system is all about. Hell, even the justice system forgets this more than they should. It really shouldn't ever be a platform for a victim's personal revenge. It's enforcement of a set of rules and penalties in a public forum to remind everyone what those rules and consequences are...as evidenced by the state filing criminal charges even if the victim's not going to.
    imageAlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers
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    i agree with aunt flo and dharma.

    i still think the potential murderer comment was an overreaction, though.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_i-have-many-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:cab42764-7100-488c-b41b-eb8a86404e4ePost:1c05ef7b-7ae7-48a5-9021-e4c47716ddf7">Re: I have many questions.</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: I have many questions. : I completely disagree with you.   I don't think it sounds like she's pressing charges for the wrong reason at all.   If anyone intentionally hits me in the head with a rock, Dh's mistress or not, you sure as hell can bet I'll be pressing charges and wanting them to be punished for.   And this: "this awful person might walk away from her crimes without punishment," - um, YES, that is what I'dbe thinking and that doesn't make it about revenge, it makes it about JUSTICE.
    Posted by AuntFlo[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I think you're using those words interchangeably. Prison is really only good for protecting society from dangerous people. It's been pretty clearly shown that fear of prison is not something that keeps most people from committing <em>serious</em> crimes. (I mean, that's probably why all of us pay taxes, to stay out of prison, but it's not why we don't hit people with rocks.)</div><div>
    </div><div>So yes, if we could be confident that this woman wont' go around hitting people with rocks anymore or otherwise intentionally causing harm to this woman or others - and I'm not saying that's the case here, but that's not how the LW frames the argument - then punishment would only be about revenge.

    </div>

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    i disagree - i do not hit people with rocks because i do not want to go to prison for it.

    ;)


    i don't see why it even matters. it's like the nanny who parked in the neighbor's driveway. i would have had the car towed - partially because i could by law, and partially because iw ould be angry at the nanny for parking illegally on my property.


    regardless of why she wants to call the cops (vengence versus justice), it doesn't matter. it's not like the lunatic mistress didn't do something wrong in the first place.

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    I'm going to get a little preachy here:

    Actually the prison system per their own words is in place to PUNISH the prisoner.  By separation and lack of normal social interaction.  THIS is their punishment.  The prisoner being away from their "normal" lives.  What happens in prison is up to the prisoner.

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    maybe we should take a lesson from another era and have some tit-for-tat justice. 

    Conn gets to hit Crazy in the head with a rock, and they they chop off Crazy's hands to prevent her from doing this again. This will save lots of tax dollars (paying for Crazy's jail time and for her children to be wards of the state) and allow Conn to get some justice for the stalking and assault. 


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    You're in rare form today, Barbie. I like it.



    And really, I'm not arguing what the prison system says they do. I'm talking about what it's actually good for. It is a punishment, but to what end? Punishing for punishing's sake is pointless and a giant waste of taxpayer dollars. People either need to be locked up for the safety of the rest of society (and please, 99% won't be rehabilitated, so let's not go there) or let go. One argument for the prison system is that it's a deterrent to other people wanting to commit crimes, and that just hasn't been proven out. 

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    I'm not a huge fan of our prison system, but that's mostly b/c of the (IMO) ill founded "war on drugs".  Since our state suffers so from the methaphetamine problem, there are some test programs here of "drug courts" that have a far better success rate than prison does, in turning people back into productive members of society.

    But there are people who do need to be locked away.  I"ve always considered prison not just punishment, but a way to keep society safe from those people that need to be locked away.
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    Am I alone for thinking she should hit her husband in the head with a rock for bringing this person into her life?
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_i-have-many-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:cab42764-7100-488c-b41b-eb8a86404e4ePost:031dc83a-e805-4843-b158-feecf39250d2">Re: I have many questions.</a>:
    [QUOTE]Am I alone for thinking she should hit her husband in the head with a rock for bringing this person into her life?
    Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]
    <div>
    </div><div>not at all. </div>
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